Legend Buys Jager Bombs

I was standing outside the place I occasionally show up to work earlier today, minding my own business and smoking a cigarette, when some super-thin dude with a neck brace, walker, & from what I could discern 2 teeth, ambled by ever so slowly (probably owing to the walker he was using). Anyway, this gentleman spoke to me for a bit. The impetus for him stopping was to inquire if he could bum a smoke off me. And seeing as how he appeared to be a bum, I gave him a Marlboro Light (which he was very excited about for some reason - I'm guessing bums buy the off-brand smokes when they can scrounge up enough loose change). Well, this thin, crippled bum decided to stand around and chat a bit after I gave him the smoke. The conversation that ensued was quite enlightening. The first thing he told me of interest was that 4 years ago he died and as as result of being dead he got the opportunity to have a little talk with God. And he wanted me to be sure to know that God loves me and is looking out for me at all times. In fact, this smoke bumming bum relayed to me that God specifically wanted said bum to pass along this good news to me. I politely told him thanks and that it was very comforting to know that God loved me and all. During our exchange about God loving me I noticed that this bum/cripple had a name tattooed on his left arm. The name was David T. It appeared to be a prison tat, at least to my untrained eye. Well, at one juncture this cigarette smoking bum extended his hand and asked me my name. I told him "Jack." When they ask, I tell all bums and strange women I meet in bars my name is Jack. He informed me his name was David. I told him that I'd surmised that fact, what with the tat on his arm proclaiming to the world that he was David T. I then asked this bum what the T stood for in David T. It's then that I got even more interesting news than the news of God loving me. David, the neck brace wearing, 2 toothed bum, told me he made the tattoo himself when he was 14 because he got tired of telling girls his name all the time. Which seemed strange, but whatever. As far as the T part of the David T tat, he told me his last name did not in fact start with a T, but with a B. The reason it appeared to be a T is because he quit giving himself the tattoo without completing the B due to the fact his arm was really bloody. David the Bum had stopped tatting himself back in the day when the B looked like a T. I told David the Bum that he was really falsely presenting himself to folks he asks to bum smokes from by having the T there on his arm when his last name actually started with a B. He appeared to laugh. Since this David B as in Bum looked way older than 14 this morning, I asked him why he'd never had the tat fixed and made the T on his arm into a B; thus righting a long standing wrong. David B as in Bum then let me know that he was in his mid-50's and that in the last 40 years had never got around to having his tat fixed. And that made sense to me. What with bummy David being so busy the past 40 years with school, work, and no doubt raising a family in the suburbs, it stands to reason that he just never found the time to have that pesky T made into a B on his arm. At that point I had finished my smoke and headed toward the door to go back inside the place I occasionally show up to work to finish writing up something very meaningless. I told David B, the cripple, teeth deprived bum, that I'd see him around. He told me to have a "blessed day." And that was it. The thing is that I feel like I am having a blessed day. An incredibly blessed day, in fact. Very fucking blessed.

When last I left you I was headed out to the infamous Kickin Chicken to watch Sunday Ticket. Well, the Kickin Chicken lived up to its reputation. Brandon wasn't feeling so hot, so I managed on my own. And sure enough, within 10 minutes of sitting down at the bar I had struck up a conversation with a big kid to my right that called himself Legend. He was there with his buddy who called himself Closer. I never did figure out why these 2 guys went by Legend and Closer. And I sure as hell wasn't about to ask. Legend & I got to discussing the dark world of 11 to 10 for awhile. He was an amiable enough chap and I was more or less not hating conversing with him (as many of you know, I hate people - they're the worst). About an hour passed and Legend passes me a Jager Bomb. I drank it and said thanks. Well, what happened from that point until about 6 when I stumbled out of the bar, can only be described as surreal. Even for me. Legend and Closer were stopping every remotely cute girl who passed by the bar and bought whoever wanted one, a Jager Bomb. All harmless bar fun, I'll grant you that. The thing was that this Legend guy kept passing me a Jager Bomb whenever he bought a round for whatever babes he was hitting on at a particular moment. I probably had 7 of them over a 3 &1/2 hour period. Needless to say, I was feeling it. So was Legend. In fact, Legend was feeling it so much so, that right before 4 he asked me to throw out a 2-team parlay for him to bet. I told him SD & CIN were both excellent picks. Legend then goes online via his IPhone or whatever and proceeds to place a $1000 parlay on the Bengals and Bolts (which would have paid $2600, if anyone cares). I was a little startled at the amount of the bet. But Legend seemed to be having the time of his life, knocking back Jager Bomb after Jager Bomb and talking to random thin brunettes about how beautiful he found them. As close observers of Sunday Ticket are aware, the Chargers did not cover their end of the bargain. They moved the ball up and down the field but were hurt badly by several bone-headed errors. That's gambling. The Bengals held up their end of things, losing by only 2. I wasn't with Legend when San Diego failed to get the job done for us, but I feel kinda bad for the guy. I mean, that's a bold bet right there - a dime on a 2-teamer. I'm guessing I'll run into Legend and Closer again here some Sunday. Legend kept informing me that all he and Closer do is: "Drink shots and pull women." I can't vouch for how many women they pull, but I sure as hell can confirm that they drink the hell out of some shots. Damn...

At one point during Sunday Ticket I found myself outside smoking with one of the many girls that Legend and Closer were coming onto. This chick decided it was vital to keep telling me how fertile she was. And she was pleasant enough and everything, and not totally unfetching in a "I've had multiple shots of Jager on an empty stomach" kind of way. But, just a word to any ladies reading this who might be curious about how seductive men find it when you inform us, even while dead drunk at a bar, that you are very fertile. Zero is the answer...

On the gambling front, it was that rare perfect storm of a weekend when everything that could go wrong, did. I could rehash some terrible luck, especially in the Nevada/SJSU game, but I won't bore anyone with that. All I know to do is move forward.

I didn't watch the Emmy awards at all. But there is this show that basically swept the board in the comedy categories. It's called Modern Family. I've never seen it. I couldn't tell you for certain what night it airs or which network broadcasts it, to be honest. But I did notice that Al Bundy is in the thing. I don't think Bud or Kelly Bundy are in the cast. But I do wonder if they miss their dad. I mean, Al Bundy wasn't the Leave It In My Beaver type of father or anything. He was always at the tittie-flop bar in his free time. But I still think it's kind of uncool for Al to have moved on to another family entirely (modern or not). It's disturbing to me. And you always have to wonder what the hell happened to Jefferson after the show ended. Is he even still alive??? These are the kinds of things I worry about constantly. This kind of stuff keeps me up nights.

A Little Matricide In The Windy City

I got an email from an occasional reader of this silly blog, & attached to the email was a link to a story from the Huffing Paint Post. The story was about some psychopathic 33 year-old cat from Chicago who killed his mother because she refused to buy him tickets to an Avril Lavigne concert. In all honesty, I didn't read the article too closely. But I can imagine the particulars of the tale. It's as old as time itself. You know, some nut job who is socially pitiful, can't find any job that relates to his master's degree, balding, never been laid, hanging with his mom watching soft-core porn on the old Skinemax. That type of dude. Now, I don't pretend to know too much about Avril Lavigne. But she strikes me as just the type that wackos described above would latch onto in their sketchy little brains. She's cute enough, I guess. And she gives off that kind of phony edginess that men with an axe to grind find so fetching. I feel particularly bad for the mom in this instance. You know, what with her being dead and all as a result. I think Ms Lavigne will be just fine - she's got her millions. As far as the kid committing the matricide, I know dudes like him. I've supervised dudes like him. Hell, I may have actually supervised him at one point when I was doing some work up near Chicago in some place called Aurora, Illinois. It's not beyond the realm of possibility. And the thing about dudes like this matricide commiting freak is this - they work too slowly, are never in their seat on time, ask too many questions, and leer at too many ugly women. Other than that, they're awesome...

Gotta run for Sunday Ticket, & after taking the pipe yesterday, I will be pulling hard for the Bolts. If anyone is bored this afternoon, Brandon & I will be at the infamous Kickin Chicken; chain-smoking and mocking Jerome Booger. Obviously...

Gats in holsters, girls on shoulders

Yuuup!!!

Okay, 1st for the degenerates looking for college football picks - Mich St +5 (this line is laughable), Nevada -6 (the real Wolfpack will take out their frustration from getting killed in Eugene), Houston -7 (I'm rolling with Keenum as long as possible, the kid is awesome), Tulsa +13 &1/2 (huge game for the home team, and Ok St has Texas A&M next week). None of these games kick off until 3:30 today. For NFL picks, you're gonna have to wait to the end of this stupid post...

I just saw on Weather Channel that Giant African Snails have attacked Miami. The greater south Florida region is still reeling from what Tom Brady did to the area the other night against the Fins, and now these slimy and pesky Giant African Snails show up. You gotta feel for the overly tanned & aged folks of Dade & Broward counties. They can't catch a break. The thing I wonder about with these Giant African Snails is, what part of Africa did they migrate from??? My guess would be Gabon, obviously. Those Gabon snails are lethal. Fucking lethal. Also of note, at least to this observer, is that not only are Giant African Snails panicking the massively ethnic communities of south Florida, but TOSU is in town this weekend to play the baby Thugs. I'm not certain what you get when you cross a Giant African Snail with a buckeye nut, but I'm imaging it can't be too tasty. I mean, what kind of seasoning would need to be thrown into this concoction of Giant African Snails and buckeye nuts to make said concoction palatable??? The answer is most likely paprika. What the hell else could it be???

There's this song that's been running through my head this morning with the following lyrics - A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Now, I've never been too much into sugar. Nor have I ever been a particular fan of medicine. I know nothing about medicine. The part of the lyrics that interest me is the go down part. Anytime one of these dead lyricists threw in something about going down, it wasn't an all bad tune. As for what musical this go down song comes from, that I'm a little uncertain about. I think it may be the musical where that chick is a caregiver to a rowdy and restless group of Hitler youth. Or the musical where another chick is a caregiver to a gaggle of crooked toothed British brats. Either one. It doesn't matter. They both suck. Not the caregivers necessarily. Although on second thought, maybe the caregiver chicks in these musicals do indeed like to perform a little of the old fellatio on their wards from time to time. That would certainly fit with the whole go down aspect of the lyrics. I can't say for sure. But it's worth keeping in mind. That's the thing about Julie Andrews - maybe she's addicted to head. If so, it would explain her attraction to the roles in both of these musicals where some nanny type chick goes down all the time. Wouldn't it???

I got a text from Geilfuss the other day and he informed me that a caller to some sports radio station claimed that the reason the Steelers got blown out by the 20 and the rest of the Ravens last Sunday was because Pittsburgh got tired quickly due to wearing black uniforms. Black does absorb heat. That's a scientific fact. And that being the case, I feel like this enlightened Steeler fan was really on to something. In fact, I'm gonna start making bets against teams that wear black uniforms in warm weather games. Say, for instance, the Raiders, forced to wear black, play an away game in hell against Coach K, Al Gore, & Mohamed Atta; bet the damn home team. Hell, I'd lay up to 5 touchdowns in that scenario. For one, it's a little toasty down in hell. Two, Atta would reign fury down upon Jason Campbell from the outside rush spot. And 3, Coach K would sneak out into dead spots in the Raiders' secondary schemes from the slot for big play after big play. We all know Coach K loves the slot. Fucking loves it.

I'm not sure how many readers of this silly blog are familiar with a program on the old TV called Storage Wars. If you haven't seen it, I urge you to. There's a guy on there who has to be the biggest villain in the US right now (this side of our dear friend and epic failure Barry, anyway). His name is Dave Hester. He goes to these auctions around southern California and when he bids on a foreclosed storage unit, instead of nodding or politely indicating a bid to the auctioneer, he yells "Yuuup." Really obnoxiously, I might add. Do I hear $1200? Yuuup! Okay, $1350? Yuuup! You gotta check it out. It's so addicting that a few Saturdays ago at Stumbles for College GamePlan, I started yelling it really loudly during the Notre Dame/USF tilt. I was screaming "Yuuup!!!" over and over. The typical Stumbles' barflies were baffled. No one said anything to me though. The regulars in there have no idea how to react to me. And really, when you think about it, who does???

Speaking of old Barry, there was this item on the old news recently that claimed he was finally getting serious about trying to energize job growth in our pitiful economy. Now, I don't doubt for a moment that Barry would like to see more folks working. It would probably help with his reelection bid and all. But, someone should inform him that it's businesses that hire workers. And as long as old Barry is busy clowning around in DC with Joe Biden and his massive medically aided boner, companies are gonna be real leery of hiring folks. The best thing old Barry could do at this point to encourage the private sector to take on more employees, is to quit.

Okay, back to info for the degenerates, NFL Week 2: Top pick - SD+8 (roll with Phil Rivers when he's getting points, he's a covering machine). My advice is just put one big bet on the Bolts tomorrow.

Remember what Johnny Rotten said at the Winterland Ballroom in San Francisco in January, 1978 - Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?

NFL Picks Week 1 2011

Huge day today. I was very poor in sharing the wealth, as I did not post the college picks this morning. But, starting with Kentucky's huge 2nd half and ending with Michigan's last second win, it was an awesome day, at least for Brandon, Andy, & me. So, that's good. 6-2 overall.

NFL Week 1: AZ-7, IND +10, STL +3&1/2, CHI pk, BUF +5, TEN pk, SEA +5. Also throw a 12 team teaser out on BAL, BUF, IND, STL, CLE, TEN, WAS, AZ, SEA, SEA/SF Under, MN, & DAL. That tease will pay 70 to 1. It's unlikely to hit, but I've done it before...

Typing, Ever So Briefly

NFL Opener - Take the Dog & the Under.

I should probably type something more than the above. So, something more than the above...Get it??? That's the kind of humor that can only be found on this blog and elementary school playgrounds. Or maybe a group home - if the retards are on fire. And that's a big if. Not literally on fire, mind you. On fire in the Marv Albert sense of on fire, like "Miller is on fire here in the 3rd!" Or on fire in the sense that Marv becomes on fire when a woman bites his back as he lounges in some of her finest frilly lingerie. That kind of thing. Fire is generally pretty warm. Don't play with it. Unless you're a pyro, then by all means - go ahead and play with it. It's what you do. Did you know that the closer you get to the fire the more you get burned??? That's important to know. So, don't walk into a fire and just stand there. You might regret it. Hell, it could burn you. Badly!!! Don't do it, my friends. Is this enough typing??? I sure hope so. I'm stopping now.

College Football Picks 9/3/11

Real quick here this morning, as it's less than 2 hours until the Braxton Miller show's 1st episode kicks off. Thus, I'm gonna keep this short. Top pick - SMiss -12 (don't worry about the hurricane down there). Also, in no particular order, W Mich +13&1/2, SCar/ECU Over 62 (I'm gonna keep riding the Pirates going Over until it's no longer profitable), UGA +3, Hawaii -6, Troy (not the 10, the school in Alabama) +15.

I have a few things to do, but if you wanna find me this afternoon, I will be sitting at the bar at RumbleForeskins hanging with my man Tommy...

Sabotage

The Fear In The Children's Eyes

There is a bit of weather hitting the old NC coast here today. I believe the culprit is some hurricane named Irene. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, one of the triad's talking head TV anchors has been covering Hurricane Irene live from Morehead City (More Head...). His name is Cameron Kent. He's one of these typical innocuous middle-aged news readers that can be found all over the place. You know the type - all ex-jock, phony smile, smarmy fake concern, and Stone Phillips hair - that type. Well, our man Cam came on the air at 11 this morning, standing in a hotel parking lot, with the beach in the background. And he reported that while many of the adults in Morehead City are pretty calm about this Hurricane Irene deal, the kids are a little nervous. In fact, Cam went so far as to claim that as he was visiting some shelter set up at a nearby high school last night, he felt the children were fearful. This is what he said about the youth of Morehead City: "I saw fear in the children's eyes." I burst out laughing. Obviously. He saw fear in their eyes. What a tool...

Geilfuss sent me an email this past week describing some random hook-up he had earlier this summer with a 43 year-old Iowan. Evidently this Iowa chick was in the old Charm City on business and dropped into whatever joint Geilfuss is currently slaving away at as a server to grab a bite to eat and decided to go ahead and fuck her waiter as well. And since Geilfuss is Geilfuss, he went ahead and obliged her. After I read the paragraph describing this event, I was disappointed in the lack of details Geilfuss went into about the encounter. Not that I was looking for anything risque in particular. Just something I could run with on this silly blog. So, I sent Geilfuss a reply email stating my disappointment. And he did get back with me on one slightly interesting detail. Geilfuss claimed that the 43 year-old Iowa skank was into the old dirty talk. He described her language, and I'm quoting exactly here, as "sordid." No examples were offered. And to be honest, I'm not too interested in examples of what Geilfuss considers "sordid" speech from a 43 year-old Iowa mother of 2. But I have a few guesses. She probably said things like, "Geilfuss, you're sexier than Tom Arnold." Or "That's a big ear of corn you've got there." Or "Do me like we're in a barn filled with goat shit." Or "I'm so horny for you that I want to bake you an apple pie." Those types of "sordid" phrases.

Talk at the place I occasionally show up to work turned to evolution at one point last week. I could care less about the whole phony debate between evolution and creationism personally. It's silly. Well, this one strange woman who routinely wears those awful Croc shoe things to work had an opinion on this eternal debate that I'd never heard before. Evidently this gal is somewhat religious, as she was attempting to reconcile the fact that the Earth is like several billion years old with the fact that the Bible people believe it's like 6,000 years old. A conundrum if there ever was one. This Croc wearing woman's rationale (and I use that word loosely) was that while she acknowledged the scientific proof of the Earth being several billion years old, she claimed that God kept trying different things until finally getting it right with Adam, Eve, that pesky snake, and all the crap that has followed. Now, I was nice. I didn't burst out laughing in her face. Instead, I ran out of the room and laughed in the hallway. When I came back into the room I did have one question for this strange woman about her claim that God had been failing for billions of years and finally hit on the perfect world 6,000 years ago. I asked her, "Is this the best he could do? I mean, have you seen Jersey Shore?"

The old blog looks a little different right now. I added a couple things that Google makes available. I'm not sure that I'll keep the new stuff though. For one thing it lists the posts that have been the most read. And I was a little depressed to see that many of my most read posts are ones I'd forgotten that I'd ever written...

That's it for me today. I'm gonna brave the hurricane conditions here in the Gate City. That and look for the fear in the children's eyes.