I got a fascinating text Friday night about 1 am. It was from Luke (one of the scores of Jacobys, you know the Jacobys, the people who auction crappy stoneware to unsuspecting freaks). In the text he let me know that this homeless guy named Chuck (a chubby brother probably in his early 50's) had hit him up for some dough, and Luke actually turned Chuck down for once. And I want to congratulate Luke for wising up, finally. I've been imploring the kid to quit giving Chuck money for several years. The problem with giving dough to someone like Chuck is that as long as he can get enough each day to eat something and get whatever fix he's looking for as far as a vice, he has no incentive to try and become a productive member of society. If we could just get everyone in the town that Elaine Benes is from to quit enabling Chuck, he and the community would all be better served. So, again, Bravo to Luke.
Speaking of homeless people, ever notice how many of them aren't exactly super thin?
Speaking of homeless people, the fine city of Greensboro tried to curb panhandling about 5 or 6 years ago by requiring panhandlers to get a permit from the city (I believe the permit was like $10). Anyway, as part of the permit process, the panhandlers had to provide an address. The only problem with that is most panhandling homeless folks don't, as a general rule, have, you know, a home. I called City Hall at the time and inquired about how to get one of these permits (as did a reporter for the Rhino Times, if I recall correctly). And when I did, the nice woman I spoke with seemed dumbfounded. As except for me and the reporter, no one else had called or stopped in to look into getting a panhandling permit. Baffling, right? I still see panhandlers all over town. In fact, just Friday I drove by at least half a dozen standing at various intersections with signs begging for a few bucks. It looks like the permit ploy to curb the panhandling problem in the Gate City hasn't worked. Shocking!!!
Well, another NFL Draft has come and gone. I mocked the average NFL fans way too intense interest in the draft last year. Go back and read the post if you want. This past Thursday evening, I was sitting out at that wing joint on Battleground, trying to enjoy the Thunder/Laker game (and thank you Thunder, they came through like champions, and did again last night too). To my right a few spots at the bar were a couple of kids who were spewing the same silliness back and forth to each other about the draft that they'd read on some website. I didn't think much of it, as I just kind of rolled my eyes and shook my head. A few minutes later, the Broncos took Tim Tebow. Now, all of you regular readers of this blog know my thoughts on how Tebow will perform in the NFL. I think he'll be a catastrophe. I could be wrong, but that's my opinion. One of the kids watching the draft down the bar from me a few spots is a big Gator fan evidently, because the kid went into great detail about Tebow and kept mentioning that Jon Gruden says Tebow will be a star. The only problem with what the kid was saying about Tebow's career as a Gator, is that all of it was wrong. The kid claimed Tebow didn't become the Gators starter until 2008. I asked him if he recalled that Tebow won the Heisman in 2007? And wouldn't it be quite a feat for a backup QB to win the award? He also claimed that Tebow only lost 3 games in his life. And I asked the kid what his definition of "life" was. Because I can remember several more than 3 losses. In the 2007 season alone, the Gators lost 4 times. If I remember correctly the Gators were beaten by Auburn, Georgia, LSU, and The University of Michigan. Well, this Gator kid (who happened to be sporting an enormous fake diamond stud in his left ear, and what with the stud earring and his shaved head, I asked him if he was the progeny of Mr Clean, alas, the kid didn't know what progeny meant...) thought I was making stuff up and hating on Tebow and blah, blah, blah. So this kid and his running buddy got out their IPhones and started googling to prove me wrong. The funniest part about that is that the stud earring wearing Gator fan tried to tell me that he had info that showed Florida went 11-2 in 2007. I asked him to show me the phone and he did not oblige me. Then his running buddy shoved his IPhone in my face with the score of the BCS title game between Florida and TOSU. He said, "Read that asshole. 41-14. In 2007. Fuck you asshole!" And, oh boy, I didn't know how to deal with them at that point. While it's true that the game in question was played in 2007, it was played in early January 2007. It was the conclusion to the 2006 season. And Tebow wasn't the starter that year anyway. These kids stomped outside to smoke and told me as they left, "We're gonna ride your ass all night. Just wait." I wasn't sure, but for a moment I was worried they were propositioning me for some bizarre, 3-way, Mr Clean-like, gay sex romp. The kids were outside a long stretch, about 10 minutes. When they came back in, something funny happened. They never said a word to me. As they must of looked on their pesky IPhones and noticed that I was not wrong. I did inquire at one juncture of the Mr Clean-esque Gator fan, what year he graduated from Gainesville. And like many other phony bandwagon jumping fans before him, he didn't have an answer for that. The poor kids took off about 12. I'd be surprised to see them back up at the wing joint on Battleground again. I really would.
And as far as Gruden being in love with Tebow, he may be right. But I'd remind everyone that Gruden doesn't have a great track record drafting QB's. Chris Simms? Bruce Gradkowski? Josh Johnson?
I was out at the thrilling Wednesday trivia competition the other night. And instead of 10 questions about Vegas Vacation, the kid running the game asked 10 questions about Beavis & Butt-Head. And that wasn't real fair to the other teams. I got them all. The closest anyone else came was 4 right. The thing was, I didn't think he asked really hard questions about the show. He could have really asked some hard ones, if he'd been so inclined. Now some of you reading this are aware of my feelings concerning Beavis & Butt-Head. As I have argued that the program is the greatest artistic achievement in the history of Western Civilization. And I wasn't kidding. Mike Judge, sheer genius. Much like David Bowie. Or Ray Chandler. Or Tommy Hobbes. Or Dosteovsky. Or a few other dead white males. Did I mention I won the pointless trivia game going away? It was a blowout.
There's a woman who is working for me right now who has been asking lots of questions (which I encourage, it comes with the job). Anyway, the thing about this woman and her questions is that she prefaces them by saying something along the lines of "This might be a stupid question, but..." And I've found that when folks preface their queries like that, that lo and behold, 99% of the time the question is indeed stupid. It's like when these guys preface statements by saying "Now, I'm not a racist, but..." Whenever guys do that, inevitably the next thing to spew out of their mouths is racist garbage. It happens without fail. Same thing with "I don't mean this personally, but..." Or "I hate to sound mean, but..." All that kind of silliness. It's nauseating. Just say whatever is on your mind. Or better yet, don't. I don't care.
Everyone's favorite bartender in Greensboro, my man Dave (the guy who worships Glenn Beck), has been getting super excited whenever a commercial for the new Nightmare On Elm Street comes on. I keep telling Dave that the film will suck. There's no way that it can't suck. I've been imploring Dave to lower expectations for this remake or re-imagining, or whatever. Because, it will suck. It will suck balls. Large donkey balls.
Lots more to cover, but my memory is hazy at the moment. I'll get to more next time.
Slip me a napkin and now that you start
Is this your name or a doctor's eye chart?
I am out - TBFH
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