A Night At The Hooters Girl Competition

Note - My man Q took many photos at the competition last week. He was posing as Mason Lee, a photographer from LA, for some reason. Anyway, I got a great shot, using his IPhone, of Dave, Dave's Dad, Q, and a Hooters Girl. Well, Q managed to not save any of the photos he took on his phone from the event in question. Which is pretty ironic in light of the fact he was pretending to be a photographer. Instead of the photo I wanted to use, this one, of some Hooters girl from somewhere or other, will have to suffice.

Well, last Thursday evening I ventured to an event that I would normally never be caught dead at. At the urging of Greensboro's favorite bartender, Dave (you know, the guy who worships Glenn Beck), I and several other guys joined Dave for a rollicking night at the Miss Hooters Pageant. Dave had been hyping up this event for at least 3 months, and I like the guy, so I reluctantly agreed to go along. And it was something. I have been inside a Hooters exactly 1 time in my life (in San Antonio), and got so depressed over the girls wearing those ridiculous pantyhose under those neon orange shorts, the pitiful men dropping huge tips to said girls after 5 minutes of phony sweet talk, and the poor kids who were dragged into the joint by their single dads, that I never had any interest in going back. And technically I didn't go back, as the event here in the Gate City was in a huge tent in the Hooters parking lot on High Point Rd. I never set foot inside the actual restaurant. Me and Brandon pulled up to the Hooters at about 7:30 that evening. Once I got a hold of Dave and my man Q, got the VIP tickets, bought $80 worth of booze tickets, and stumbled inside the tent, I realized that the thing would be memorable. Why, you may ask? Because, there were 30 girls wondering around half-naked, about 200 utterly pitiable dudes (and yes, many of them were wearing Duke hats), me, Dave, Brandon, Q, Dave's dad, Dave's brother Nate, and 2 of Nate's running buddies, and that was a mix that spelled having a time all over it. Obviously. It became apparent pretty quick that Dave and some of the other guys were not pacing their getting loaded very well, as shots of Cuervo and Jack were flying at our special VIP Table, #25. I spent some time before they started the 1st round talking to Nate and even though the guy is a huge fan of Barack Hussein Obama, he's a pretty good kid (we talked the twisted art of gambling mostly). When 8:00 rolled around the competition began and I had no idea what to expect exactly. The MC of the thing said it would be lingerie round. My interest in the event rose considerably. And when contestant #1 came out in next-to-nothing, I mean virtually nothing covering her ass or breasts, and the guys in attendance started whooping and hollering, I turned to Brandon and said, "We're gonna have to drink faster." I'm not sure if he heard me though. The kid had a huge grin on his face and seemed oblivious to anything but the almost naked chick strutting around the catwalk. Eventually all 30 girls competing came out and showed their wares to the throng of getting drunk men. And let me say this about the quality of the girls competing; about 7 0r 8 were fairly attractive girls with awesome bodies, and 7 or 8 more were not too cute girls with awesome to pretty hot bodies, and the rest of the girls were various types of nasty, skanky, ho-like, and repulsive (1 poor slut came out in that lingerie round sporting this so flimsy fabric white thong that the outline of her vulva was extremely pronounced, I giggled). Anyway, more shots were consumed and the 2nd round started. This round the girls came out in wife-beaters and tight shorts, wearing hats. They auctioned the hats, supposedly for charity (although I highly doubt that was the case). One of the hats sold for $250. I am not kidding. The interesting thing about these hats is that each girl signed the hat they sold as a kind of souvenir for whatever idiot bought the thing. And Dave and Q both bought a hat (although I give them both a pass, as they were hammered). The coolest thing about the hat that Dave bought was that Yudi, contestant #7, signed the brim this way: All Yours Truely, Yudi xoxo. And I have not quit laughing yet about that. The poor Hooters girl can't spell truly right. Awesome. And strangely appropriate. Well, about 2/3 of the way through the hat auctioning round, everyone in our group took off. Except me and Brandon. We had about $40 worth booze tickets left, and I'll be damned if those were going to go unused. On one hand, it was probably a good decision for the guys who were pretty tanked up to take off and not risk any issues later in the evening. On the other hand, Dave, Q, and the rest of the fellas missed the swimsuit round. And I gotta say, the swimsuit round was enlightening. Because the girls were showing off more T&A in the swimsuit round than they did in the lingerie round. Brandon had a perpetual smile glued on his face the entire round. Anyway, we drank up the $40 of booze tickets, saw them announce the 4 winners, and got the hell out of there. All in all, it was a good time. And I expect Dave to do the whole thing again next year. I might even show up again. You never know. You just don't.

Gotta run here, but on a serious note, I wanna give a huge congratulations to Dan and Katie. They got engaged over the weekend (although my sources indicate they've been shacking up for a number of months now...). And, as they know, I think the world of both of them. I'm sure they'll have a long and happy life together. As for me, probably not very long & almost no happiness. Alas, ...

I'm out---->