I was out last night at some sports bar joint and met one of the worst, most annoying people I've come across in days. Right after halftime of the Bills/Patsies game, I wander into the bar and see one open area at one end of the bar. So I walk over to the spot and wait for the bartender to see me. Well, there was a guy to my right and I didn't think much about him, but a few minutes passed and he says "What you drinkin'?" I said "I guess just whatever crappy beer is the special tonight." He then proceeded to call for the bartender and order me a Bud Lite (and they are terrible, but whatever). Then the guy introduced himself to me as John and then things went downhill - fast. Over the course of the next 2 hours, I became suicidal with utter disdain for this John. Why? Well, let me count the ways: 1) He talked about his fantasy football team. I didn't pay attention to what he was saying, but it went on for over 5 minutes. 2) He talked about his 4 kids. And I remember some of what he said about them and they seemed like they might not be too awful (they were all college age or out of college - his oldest son is a pharmacist!). 3) John complained about how much he'd lost gambling on Sunday (and he was getting killed last night too) and I made the mistake of telling him who I'd picked and, oh fuck, that was a mistake. I got into a 3 or 4 minute conversation with John about the SF/AZ game and he thought I was lying about taking the Niners. Now, normally I wouldn't care about a drunk moron at a bar not believing me. But, I got so agitated that I showed him the text I sent out about 5 minutes before the kickoff Sunday that clearly stated SF +6&1/2 for 100. And that was a mistake because he wanted me to give him my picks for the rest of the season because he was so impressed over one correct bet. Pitiful. 4) He wanted to play some game he called speed betting, where you put a dollar on the bar for each play and predict what is going to happen. I had no interest in his idea, but he insisted. I agreed to do it for one play. Now the play was right after a Bills return to about the 40 or 45 yard line (this is late 3rd/early 4th quarter). I said "Play action pass." John said "No. Fuck no. Run." Right after the Bills did indeed try a play action pass, the moron said "Incomplete. You don't win." I said "You can't fault me for Trent Edwards throwing a bad ball." I was hoping we were finished with this absurd speed betting game. But John wanted a chance to win his dollar back (even though I wouldn't take it off the bar and put in my pocket anyway). So, a few more plays go by and I say "Okay. One more play. Then that's it. OK?" John said "You call it." I said "Shallow cross is the call - probably to T.O." And sure enough that is exactly what happened. I think he was stunned that I have some grasp of NFL play calling. 5) He wouldn't leave when he was hammered and couldn't drink any longer. John wanted to do shots of Tuaca. 3 shots later (and this was after he had God knows how many Jack and Cokes {at least 7}), John was done - slurring his words terribly and complimenting the nearest girl on the size of her rack (she WAS heaving them out there, I had noticed that fact myself from the moment I walked into the place). He kept wanting to shake my hand and say "It's all your fault." Believe me, I didn't want to pursue whatever that meant. Well this goes on until the end of the 1st quarter of the Bolts game. Finally, I moved away from him completely. But he stuck around - just standing there hammered and looking completely foolish. Here's my advice - do not talk to middle aged men in sports bar during Monday Night Football, even if they wanna buy you a beer or two. It's not worth it. It was so bad that I'll say this: if I had a soul, part of it was crushed and ground up forever last night from meeting the horrendous John (fortunately for me, I have no soul to speak of and, FYI, there's probably a giant hole where my heart should probably be as well).
I was talking to the guy who writes movie reviews in Chicago and he was telling me about some chick who had friended him on the Faceshit. And this is really bizarre. Evidently he worked with this girl about 6 years ago and one day gave her a ride home. Well this girl made the guy who writes movie reviews in Chicago drop her off like 2 blocks from her house because she was embarrassed about the dilapidated state of her home. So, this broad gets out of the car and gives the guy who writes movie reviews in Chicago a hug and starts kissing his neck a bit. Well at this point in the story, I asked the guy who writes movie reviews in Chicago this "Why would she start making out with you if she didn't want you to come inside and nail her?" He ignored that question (which I thought was totally appropriate). He continued with the story and said that she was a whack job and he wanted no part of her. He had to get her fired from work and put a block on her calls and email to get away from her. Anyway, he hadn't heard from her in 6 years and now she friends him on the Faceshit and the guy who writes movie reviews in Chicago ACCEPTS! So, now she's writing all these bizarre comments on his Faceshit wall - psychopathic. The whole reason I bring the whole thing up is because at one point I was trying to ascertain what made this girl a whack job. And the guy who writes movie reviews in Chicago says "Well, I'll tell you this, she has her Masters in something called Fat Studies." And I said "That's not hip hop related is it Paul?" He laughed and said "No." Well, Fran was sitting across the table (this happened at lunch) and she says "Was this girl heavy?" And I said "Of course she was fat. You don't think Calista Flockhart is gonna get a Masters in Fat Studies, do you? Maybe Roseanne." And the guy who writes movie reviews in Chicago confirmed that she is indeed a bigger gal (I can confirm this, as I've seen her picture on the Faceshit). And Fran said "What does someone do with a Masters in Fat Studies?" I said "Probably a lot of sweating in their ass crack."
Good weekend gambling, as we were up $555 on the week - now up $200 on the young season. Thanks especially to John Harbaugh for going for a late TD on 4th & Goal - And The Ohio Bobcats for going for 2 at the end of the 2nd OT against N Texas - Whew!
Rudy Can't Fail
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