The Bush Of Death

Well, the Faceshit has struck yet again. This time I got a note from a girl who claims I went to school with her way back in the 80's. Her name is Renee and she informed me she was a big haired hair metal fan. And my initial thought was - I should remember this person. But I didn't. So, I very nicely wrote her back and didn't lie to her, I admitted I had no recollection of her whatsoever. I also told her to read this stupid blog and that Bon Jovi still sucks. Renee wrote me back and informed me of a couple things that were pretty interesting. 1) She read some posts from this blog and said "you are still bombastic." & 2) She mentioned that I was "the nucleus" of schoolgirl crushes, of which I may have been unaware. And I want to say for the record that 1) I wouldn't describe myself as bombastic in 9th and 10th grade. I'm sure I was a jerk. A narcissistic asshole. A pathological cheater with an unhealthy fixation on a girl named Rayna Russell. But not bombastic. & 2) I'm not super surprised to learn that I was the "nucleus" of schoolgirl crushes, but in my defense, I didn't encourage any crushes. As I said above, I was a terrible, terrible person, just as I am now. As far as Renee goes, I wished her luck. If she was a big haired Bon Jovi fan back in 1987 (the last time I would have seen her), she's needed it over the years. Those poor girls. Whew!

The school that Renee was talking about was a school I mentioned last year in a few posts (old Mrs Rummer, the Electric Boogie Woman, and that chick who stalked me at Papa Joe's when I was in college). It's not the old Wellington School (which Renee, the big haired Bon Jovi fan mentioned above, in one of her notes on the Faceshit called "that swanky school"), this school was one I lovingly referred to at the time, and still do today, as The Bush Of Death. Now, The Bush Of Death was a private school, that in addition to poorly educating kids, also tried to brainwash them with religious indoctrination. It mostly worked too. Lots of those poor kids were scared to death they would go to hell if they so much as smoked a cigarette, thought about naked chicks, or questioned the scientific validity of creationism. It was a terrible place. I was lucky to make friends with Todd Myers (who I have also mentioned on this blog in a number of posts). That kid saved my life at The Bush Of Death. The first time I met Todd I said something totally arrogant about my prowess in soccer, and he found it funny. We became fast friends very quickly. Here are some interesting nuggets of info about The Bush Of Death -

1) There was a kid nicknamed Whacker - so coined because he was a chronic masturbator. This kid went door to door soliciting money so he could start a band. He wasn't selling anything. Whacker was just ringing doorbells and looking for a handout. And he didn't bathe regularly. I think he raised like 3 bucks.

2) They had a prayer circle every morning. You were supposed to hold hands while some teacher prayed. As many of you know, I hate touching people. This was pure torture.

3) You had to attend a bible class every day. I never paid any attention to it. It was more tedious than listening to George, J, and Fat Adam talk sports at Get Bent Lounge.

4) The teachers were woefully under qualified in almost every instance (although old Mrs Rummer was an exception of sorts). The biology teacher could never refute any argument made against creationism. The Geometry teacher was constantly making mistakes when lecturing. The World History teacher was a senile old woman who used a textbook from like the 50's. The Spanish teacher was hot, but I never got the sense she knew much Spanish.

5) The Athletic Director/Soccer Coach/Hoops Coach was a bitter man plagued with a Napoleon complex. And he was one of the dumbest individuals I have ever met. His name is escaping me at the moment. Bucky something, I think. His idea of coaching was to put on tapes of the 1986 World Cup and have us watch. I refused to play hoops for him. He was petty and vindictive. I learned some years later that this Bucky character was carrying on an affair with a female teacher for some time. Now I don't pass judgment on those kinds of things, but it seems awfully, I don't know, maybe hypocritical to force kids to pray, study the bible, and scare them shitless about sinning, while carrying on adulterous affairs within the school staff. Just a little.

6) The kids that went to The Bush Of Death could basically be split into 2 camps. The 1st were the children of very religious middle class people who didn't want there kids anywhere near public schools. The 2nd were kids of lower middle class, not particularly religious, people who also didn't want their kids anywhere near public schools. Needless to say, this created a great deal of friction. The 1st group of kids looked down on the 2nd group and the religious nature of the education made the 2nd group feel even worse because these kids parents were not insiders in something called Church Of Christ. The whole dynamic of the place was us against them. It was ridiculous. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

7) Every kind of social outcast imaginable went to school there. Kids who could not cope or function in a normal school were funneled there. I mean freaks of all kind. Hyper kids. Ugly kids. Fat kids. Kids who refused to bathe. Kids who smelled like soup. It freaked me out on a daily basis.

Enough about that place for now.

The other day, I was flipping around the old TV and came across the ABC Family Channel. Something called Mr Magoo's Drug Emporium or something like that was being aired. Anyway, it held my interest. Why? It held my interest because that girl from Jerusalem from the Star Whores movies was in it. That's why.

It will come back to you