A Conspiracy Freak Walks Into The Bar

I was sitting at a bar - just innocently minding my own business. Not wanting to bother a soul or a sole. Then some guy 2 seats down starts in with some comment on the Bonus Penetration deal and all the oil all over the place. I told him I hadn't heard anything about it. Again, I just wanted to sit there and contemplate things like - how big is Oprah's clitoris??? Things like that. I had no interest in any conversation whatsoever. Well, this guy would not shut up and started claiming that there is some conspiracy afoot involving Bonus Penetration, The Tory Party, & Dick Cheney to make Barack Hussein Obama look bad. When the guy said that, I couldn't help myself, I said, "Isn't Barack Hussein Obama making himself look plenty bad all on his own?" This dude didn't laugh (of course, I wasn't exactly kidding...). Anyway, I have found that when you find yourself near a guy who likes to dabble in conspiracy kookiness, it's best not to say anything. You can't shut these nuts up. Just nod your head at them and act as stupid and disinterested as possible. They'll talk themselves out in 5 minutes or so if you don't engage them. So, the guy waited a minute and then said something about if I knew the truth about 9/11. I said, "Never heard of it." THAT, he laughed at. And I thought - Oh Fuck...Here we go. Sure enough, this guy talks 4 or 5 minutes about how the Mossad, CIA, and yes, Dick Cheney again, were the perpetrators of the 9/11 attacks. I just let the freak talk. It wasn't anything I hadn't heard from similar nuts before. Finally, after his mini-tirade, he asks me another question, "Who was to gain from the attacks, man? Who, man?" As I said earlier, it's best not to engage these nuts. What they do is this; any rational argument you make as to why their ideas are loony, they turn around and use it as further proof to STRENGTHEN their delusional silliness. For example, if you say something like, "What would you say to the parents of folks who were on the planes and talked to their kids via one of those airphone deals minutes before the planes either hit the World Trade Center or the Pentagon or crashed in PA? Would you call them liars, to their faces? Because I would enjoy seeing that." When you make such an argument what these idiots inevitably do is, as I noted, use it to embolden themselves. They'll say something like, "That's how horrible Bush and his crew was, man. They paid off parents of passengers to lie. Don't you see?" You'll get that kind of infuriating response. So, I didn't say anything more than this when the nut asked me who was to gain, "Count Chocula?" He wondered if I was mocking him. And then I said, "Well, let me ask you one thing and then I'll tell you if I'm mocking you. Okay? Do you believe the assassination attempts on JFK, MLK, & RFK are part of vast conspiracies?" The freak got excited. He said, "Fuck yeah, man. Fuck yeah." I said, "Okay. Do you believe that the assassination attempts on Gerry Ford, Ronald Reagan, and W were carried out by lone crackpots?" He said, "Fuck. You know it. So what?" I said, "Okay. Now I can definitively tell you that, yes, I am mocking you." The guy looked frazzled and like he needed an enema (but I digress). He said, "What the fuck? What does one thing have to do with the other, man?" I said, as I got up from the bar to take off, "Well, what you're telling me is that if a guy you like has an attempt taken on his life, then that must be conspiracy. And if a guy you don't like is is shot at, it's not a conspiracy. You're an idiot." And then I left that bar. It smelled like Malaysian diarrhea in there anyway. I mean, it was a little rank. And by rank I mean, it wasn't pleasing to smell.

I've noticed these creatures from Despicable Me popping up all over the place - I believe they are called minions. And I gotta say that, although it's unlikely I'll ever see the movie, I'm down with those minions guys. I really am. I'm gonna have to get a few to go with all my other silly toys that most men give up when they are 11 year old boys...

I went over to this cheap grocery store near the joint where I occasionally show up to work the other day. I was looking for chicken gizzards, but couldn't find any. I saw tons of parts of the pig for sale that I'd never knew existed before, but no chicken gizzards. So, I went over to the potted meat aisle & bought a tin of that for 33 cents. Then I walked back to work and placed the potted meat on a table in the break room. Then I told a bunch of folks that I got an awesome treat for everyone to share & they needed to go to the break room to find out what it was. Well, I can report that, as of end of business today, the tin of potted meat remained unopened. How sad. I try and do something nice, and...

They are about to show Better Off Dead on AMC and then 16 Candles. My man John Cusack. I am out.