Trivia at Charlie Clown's

I walked into an awful, terrible, horrible dive called Charlie Clown's just before 7 last night. I have been in the place a couple times before and here is how awful it is - it is located in this strip mall and the inside smells like a mixture of cum soaked panties and menthol cigarettes. Most of the women are terrifyingly putrid. Ridiculously putrid. In fact, I'd wager that if you pooled them all together, they might have one decent set of teeth combined. The lady running the trivia is awesome, in a not so complimentary way. The first time I played trivia with her was a couple years ago - and back then she was screaming for free shots and had a gaping hole where the top row of her teeth were supposed to be. To her credit, she has gotten caps or dentures or something for her teeth since then and she doesn't scream at people to bring her free shots anymore. But here's how surreal her trivia games used to be: Last year, for the halftime "question," the only way you could get points was to bring a girl born in the 1980s (with an ID to prove it) to the hostess' area and buy 3 shots (one for the hostess herself, one for the girl born in the 80s, and one for yourself). I played along, because I wanted the points for the trivia game and I was in an awful place (both literally and figuratively) where being drunk is highly desirable. By the way, the girl I found with an ID showing she was born in the 80s - she wasn't too bad (especially for Charlie Clown's). I remember 2 things about her 1) she was born in 1981 and 2) she kept flashing me the 2nd half of the game (it's important to note she was there with her FATHER) and she did have attractive enough breasts. Now, 2 years ago was worse in a way, as this was when the hostess screamed for shots. For the halftime that night, she had the teams do a scavenger hunt - seriously. You had to find a state quarter (I think Oklahoma, but could be "misremembering" a la Andy Pettitte and his recollection of watching a needle go into Roger Clemens' butt), a used straw wrapper, a hairbrush, and a condom (not a used one, thank God). I didn't have any of the crap on me or even in the car and I sure as hell wasn't going to walk around and ask the women at Charlie Clown's if they had any condoms on them. Okay - back to last night. The game starts and the slightly reformed loud alcoholic woman running it asked the stupidest questions imaginable - I even knew the science questions. And I'm terrible at science. I did miss a question on Jethro Tull and that agitated me to no end. So, I'm sitting there and there were about 8 teams playing. Most of the folks playing were getting hammered, I mean fast like they do at Martini's Bar in that movie with that dumb angel Clarence. There were 2 guys who must have taken 4 or 5 rounds of shots up to the newly dentally enhanced trivia hostess and did them with her (if one of them did her is another matter entirely). At one point I had to have a shot just to keep from wanting to pound my head into the table due to the sheer absurdity of what was going on - I mean between the trivia questions and everyone getting blitzed, it was alarmingly silly for a Tuesday between 7 and 9. I ended up getting a "prize" at the end of the game and was told I could reach into the hostess' treasure chest and pick something. I told her very frankly that I didn't consider her chest much of a treasure. And I will admit, she did laugh. She had a sense of humor. The best thing about the trivia is that she took music requests throughout the game. And this awful, shot loving, dentured hostess played the following songs for me: Some Might Say, Hey Ya, Get Back (the Luda version, not the Beatles), and Mo Money, Mo Problems. And I will tell everyone this - when it got to the part where Christopher Wallace says: B-I-G P-O-P-P-A - I started to cry like always. The folks at Charlie Clown's had to think I was insane. And they might not be wrong.

After the trivia I stumbled into an Irish joint called Finnegan's for 2 beers. And some dudes were at the bar debating Led Zeppelin. And frequent readers of this blog know my feelings on Led Zeppelin (for the uninitiated, they aren't positive - to say the least). Anyway, I wasn't paying too much attention to them, but I heard them threaten to put some of it on the jukebox. When I did, I raced over to the jukebox and put 5 bucks in and played lots of Oasis. Anything to head off having to hear the fucking Led Zeppelin. Jesus.

Federal agents mad cause I'm flagrant

Tap my cell and the phone in the basement

Gotta Run -