I was sitting in that awful dive bar on W Market Street for football Saturday 2 weeks ago and this drunk, old, lonely guy wanders in. He was a Terps fan (turns out he's originally from Pikesville - and yes, I know what you're thinking, and he is Jewish). And this guy is a piece of work. He yelled "Go Maryland!" over and over. I got a little annoyed with him and decided to fuck with him a little. So at one point I told him his behavior was lascivious. Sure enough, he had no idea what lascivious meant. But, the old timer was so drunk and so tedious that he kept repeating the word lascivious over and over trying to get someone in the bar to explain what it meant. And shockingly, no one at Playas did! He accused me of being a school teacher. And that I took as an insult of course. He then just accused me of trying to confuse him. That's when I told I told him, "You're not as stupid as you look." Anyway I took off and thought nothing of it. Then the next day, I was there again to watch Sunday Ticket. And the same little old lonely drunk Jewish guy was there again to watch the Ravens/Bengals game. Only this time he was there with a buddy who was from the town Elaine Benes is from. And I know lots of Ravens fans. Some of them know what's going on and some are fairly clueless morons. But these 2 guys took the cake, they knew nothing about football, and very little about their own team. I told them at the outset to expect a tight game and don't be shocked if Cincinnati wins. They thought I was crazy. Well, 3 hours later, as Ray Lewis was letting the Bengals go down the field with a crazy personal foul penalty, these 2 didn't think I was so clueless. They actually got pissed at me - like my prediction somehow sealed the Ravens fate. Oh, and the buddy of the drunk guy - he drank Coke the entire game. He's the only Ravens fan I've ever seen at a bar not getting ripped during a game (except Ray G, but he's cheap and hates the taste of beer). A week passes and I see the old timer from Pikesville again on Saturday and he's tanked again when he walks in about 6 o'clock. This time he screams "Go Maryland" again and again and again (even though the game wasn't on TV at the bar and they were getting beat in the 4th quarter). Then the old drunk put money in the jukebox. And no one wanted to hear his awful music (it was a mix of Motown and putrid country). So the bartender wench muted it up in the front part of the bar. And that pissed the old timer drunk off. He was about to get into a fight with a dude who was about 6'3" 280 and played college football someplace or other (he told me where, once years ago, and I forget). I was getting worried for the little old Pikesville drunk's safety. Eventually he called a cab and took off before getting his ass kicked. Then on Sunday, there he was again with his Coke drinking buddy watching the Vikings/Ravens game. Here's how stupid the 2 of them are: they were convinced the game was over after Minnesota got up 14-0. And I was sitting there with my buddy Brandon. And he and I know a thing or 2 about not getting too nervous or confident about the outcome of an NFL game too soon. I kept trying so hard to not listen to either one of these Ravens idiots and their mindless pessimism, but at one point I turned to them and said "Fucking Relax! The Ravens will get back into this game. Goddammit!" I told Brandon we can never sit by these morons again. He wholeheartedly agreed. As many of you know, the Ravens did come back and lost by 2. When it was over, the Coke drinking idiot said "Well, that was a tough loss." I said "That depends how you define loss doesn't it?" He said "Huh?" I said "In the only world that matters, the Ravens won by a point." He left, seemingly oblivious to what I meant. Well, the old drunk from Pikesville left as well. But around 6:30, just as I'm having it handed to me in both the Seahawks and Eagles games, this little guy comes back in the bar. He was wasted. Really wasted. He comes, puts his arm on my back (which I hate), and starts lamenting the Ravens loss. I don't remember all that was said. I'm sure I was mocking him pretty good because Brandon was laughing his ass off. Then this old timer made an analogy I'll never forget. This is the part of what he said that was awesome. He said "We got beat. We got our ass kicked. We got beat so bad it was like a Chevy Camaro." I said "What? How?" Brandon fell off the bar stool. I told the old, drunk, Jewish guy from Pikesville to head out because he was starting to get to the point I was gonna have him thrown out. He left. This guy puts the old drunk at Charred Pork Bucket to shame as far as being annoying. I'd rather hang with Dick any day. The ironic thing is this: both this little, old, drunk, annoying Jewish guy and the old drunk at the Charred Pork Bucket are from Pikesville. Unbelievable.
Barkeep gimme a drink
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