There was a woman I worked with back about 8 or 9 years ago, her name escapes me. But her nickname does not escape me. I used to call her The Fart Machine. This woman farted constantly. Constantly. There was a period of about a month in 2002 when I had the great misfortune of trying to supervise The Fart Machine. There were a couple problems that came about when trying to supervise The Fart Machine. One, she wasn't good at the job. That meant I had to spend at least some period of each day retraining her. Two, The Fart Machine worked very slowly and spent lots of time away from her work area in the ladies' room. And three, and most importantly, she farted constantly. I dreaded calling her back to my desk to work one on one with her to try and improve her performance. Why? Because inevitably she would fart 3 or 4 times during the course of a 5 minute conversation. And some of the farts were not silent but deadly. Some of her farts were loud. I remember one afternoon we were chatting about some error she'd made and during the conversation she let 3 loud ones rip right in a row. I was half trying not to laugh and half trying not to cry from the horrid stench wafting around me. The thing about The Fart Machine's farts that was so distinct was this: I know she liked to eat lots of Mexican food. How, you might ask? Well, the reason I know she liked to eat lots of Mexican is that often the 5 feet around where she sat had the lingering stench of chimichangas. And I can assure you, that is no way to go through a work day. Trying to supervise a huge woman who farts Taco Bell all day is unpleasant. When it came time for me to do an evaluation on The Fart Machine, I did not mention the farting problem. But I did mention that she was awful at the job and too much trouble for any supervisor to have to deal with. And I can report that as a result of my honest, but not mean evaluation, The Fart Machine never worked at that place again. There are still times when I drive by a Taco Bell and get a nauseous feeling in my stomach just from the memory of those damn stinky chimichanga farts. And that's not a great way to go through life...
There was this guy I worked with a few years before The Fart Machine. And I do remember his name. Distinctly. The reason is that this guy had the worst body odor of anyone I've ever met in my life. I think this happened in 2000. I was supervising a group of about 10 folks on a project. And the training went fine. We were all ready to get down to producing some good work. Then the woman who monitored the projects comes up to me and asks if I can take someone from another group. A guy who really struggled to grasp what we were doing. And I said "Okay, Dillon." And that, as you all can imagine, was a mistake. And I found myself in a horrible predicament for the next 6 weeks on this project. The guy's name was J___ and the first thing he says to me when he introduces himself is "This coffee is legendary." And I thought, oh fuck, I've got a nut on my hands. And J___ was a nut. But that wasn't the worst thing about him. He also stunk to high hell. Every day. Since J___ came late to my group there was nowhere to put him but to my right. About 6 feet to my right. And his smell was so overpowering that anyone within 12 feet was gonna be afflicted by his horrid body odor. I got tons of complaints from the other folks in my group about the smell. But I couldn't do anything about it. I went to the monitor several times to explain my horrible situation with this smelly guy. But good old Dillon, she wasn't real keen on addressing issues like stink. So, J___ stayed on. And stunk. And stunk. And continued to stink. The worst thing was, like The Fart Machine, J___ was terrible at the job. I was constantly trying to fix his errors. I will say that after several weeks and about 5 cumulative hours of feedback from me, J___ became almost competent at the job. Almost. This stinky guy is the only person I've ever worked with who filled the out same form we used wrong 4 times. 4 times in a matter of an hour. Finally after he turned the form into me incorrectly that 4th time, I went over to him and asked "J___, are you doing this to fuck with me? Because at least that I can appreciate on some level." He wasn't doing it to fuck with me. I remember him sitting at his work area, just a few feet from me during lunch break every day. He got the same salad day after day from Grub Station II. And I often worked during lunch on that project to keep up wih the 11 folks I was supervising. And I remember the tears that came in my eyes as he took his stinky black leather jacket off. It was the most horrid smell from a person I've ever encountered. And I often thought, it's just my luck to be given a special person to work with from another group. One that is generally bad at the work, needs tons of oversight, and smells worse that the infield at a NASCAR race after 3 days of partying. J___ managed to stick around 2 more projects after I supervised him. As I said, after lots of hard work, he became barely competent. The next 2 guys who supervised J___ had the same problems with the smell and same issues with the quality of his work output. J___ was put on the Do Not Rehire list and I thought I'd never see him again. Then, about 4 years later, I'm standing outside smoking and chatting with a guy I worked with there for years, and who walks up out of nowhere but the stinky J___. This is where the story gets so bizarre that if I hadn't witnessed all of it first hand, I'd never have believed it. Now, there was a woman who worked there who was one of the ugliest human beings to ever grace the earth. And she lurched around on swollen feet and ankles. I mean her feet were bulging. I never could figure out how this monstrous looking woman could fit into any pair of shoes. Her appearance and gait were such that my nickname for her was Bride Of Frankenstein. And boy did this woman gave me so many headaches over the years. She was always late. She fell asleep pretty often. She would argue needlessly with me. She would sit with a bag of potatoes by her feet (seriously). She often needed a jump for her car. And most importantly, she was hideous to look at. Well Bride Of Frankenstein took a second job at some call center in town. And while working there, Bride Of Frankenstein met stinky J___. They started dating. They fell in love. And it's at this point that J___ came walking up (he still stank by the way - just as bad as ever) that day after 4 o'clock as I was out smoking and chatting with Rich Lepors. J___ reached his hand out and said "Good to see you again." I said "Sure. What are you doing here?" J___ said "I'm here to pick up my girlfriend." I said "Oh. Okay. Cool" And wondered who this stinky ass loser's girlfriend could possibly be. I wasn't gonna ask. So, J___, Rich, and I are having about a 2 minute awkward conversation. And then out walked the Bride Of Frankenstein. And then she walked over to stinky J___. And then the Bride Of Frankenstein gave the horrid smelling guy I'd supervised 4 years earlier a kiss on the lips. And I will be completely honest about my reaction to what I'd just witnessed. And Rich Lepors can confirm that this is true. I puked.
Some day I'll have to write about the guy who worked there and mailed a turd to the office after being dismissed. Or the woman who was so upset with the janitor that she stomped out of the restroom with crap on her shoes and spread it all over the break room floor. Or the woman who was so big that she needed assistance getting off the toilet. Or the guy who got dropped off in a Mercedes in the morning and used to stumble over to me and Darrell Hodges to bum a smoke. Or the guy who left his van running for 2 hours after coming to work. I could go on and on and on...Maybe I will someday.
I got a comment regarding the sexting from yesterday's post. And I wanna say for the record, if any images of me in some kind of aroused state ever surface on the old World Wide Web of Deceit, they are doctored or photo shopped or something.
Also, I did flip by the Friends last night on TBS and noticed an episode where the chick who was married to Pitt gets kissed by a girl who is one of my all time favorites. It was watchable. That's for sure.
Dance into the fire
No comments:
Post a Comment