Random 1996 Journal Entries

I was looking through a box of old stuff earlier and came across a journal I kept back in 1996. I reread it. And got exceedingly depressed. Just to give folks a bit of a taste of what things were like for me as a 25 year old in 1996, I am gonna reprint, word for word, a few random entries from that journal. For readers of this blog who know me, no context is needed. For all the folks who've found their way to this blog and never met me, I don't think much context is needed for you folks either. Why am I doing this, you may ask? Because it's my blog and I can.

7 April 1996 -

It's been almost 3 months since my last entry. Why you may wonder? Don't ask. It's too stupid to go into. However, there was a suspension from work, a total mental breakdown, trip to Las Vegas, lots of drinking, being arrested for disorderly conduct, charges dropped on some nonsensical deal, more alcohol drank, and eventual reinstatement to work. So things are back to normal in my pathetic life. Does anyone care?

I did go on an actual date with Heidi in January and she told me she was 37. Thirty-Seven! This news depressed me beyond words and even though I kind of liked her, I never called her again. Also, I went through some kind of ordeal as mentioned earlier.

I have picked up two women at En Unison. One was 35 and we fooled around in her car, but things were doomed because of her low IQ and the fact that she has a 20 year old kid, and a baby. The other woman is 28 and I slept with her 2 Fridays in a row. The first time was ok. She was fairly adventurous and really wanted to be fucked from behind, so I did, but was almost laughing at her and shaking my head in mockery, at me and her, while she was moaning, panting, etc. in some extended orgasm. The next morning we fucked again before she left , which was different for me because I was sober, hungover but sober. The next week was stupid and I haven't been back to En Unison to pick her up the last two Fridays. She seems ok as a human being but is not even remotely my type. She wants a casual fuck, but I don't want to be it. She also has a 2&1/2 year old from a marriage or something. I hope to never see her again. I haven't been on an actual date since I went out with Heidi in January. I'm not meeting good prospects right now.

My parents are bitterly disappointed in me right now and who can blame them? When they bailed my ass out of jail, it was a humiliating experience all the way around. The main thing about jail, I was there for about 21 hours, is the smell. It's foul and putrid. A mixture of feces, urine, body odor, and a general stench. I did not eat the food. I did not move my bowels. I did not shower. It was very cold and I shivered most of the time. It was difficult to sleep. The other guys seemed ok, certainly better people than you'd think. They left me alone, except they made sure I got a tray of food and a spoon. So in a way they looked out for me, these were the black guys. All the white guys tried to sleep and stayed to themselves. There were around 10 guys in my area. Each had a private cell with a bunk, a toilet, and a sink. There was a commons area with 2 televisions. I stayed in number 11, toward the end. As I said, my parents were not thrilled to have to bail my ass out. It has all worked out pretty well now. I paid a $78 fine on a disorderly conduct charge (crazy story). The charge I was brought in on was dismissed. Enough about that. It's too depressing.

Work has been stupid as it was before. Everyone seems glad I'm back, I've been back 2 weeks. I worked 49.5 and 46 hours so I've been busy.

12 May 1996 -

It's been a crazy weekend, to say the least. I woke up yesterday and went to BW3 to watch the Knicks/Bulls game with Eric , a bartender there and a friend of mine. The Knicks won in overtime. It was exciting. We then went to Eric's and got stoned out of our minds from Eric's water bong. I was completely fucked up. We went back to the bar and I sat there feeling really bad and drank one sip of my beer. I got the impulse to leave and actually drove, which was totally stupid. I decided to get food, so I went to Donato's and sat stoned while they made my pizza. I brought it home and ate it in bed, then slept for awhile. I woke up and went out drinking. Starting with 4 pints at Houlihan's. For something new I went to Rosie O'Grady's, an incredible white trash/brother dance bar. It was one of the strangest places I've ever been. I was extremely out of place. It was somewhat entertaining. I came home and watched Porky's on TV. Then fell asleep about 5 or so. Today I watched some hoops, then went to dinner with my folks and sister and her 2 roomies. I didn't eat and was unsociable. I then went and had two beers at BW3, got bored, ate wings, and left. I went to Blockbuster and rented Pulp Fiction and and Angus. I just watched Angus, which was pretty good.

I did not meet any women this weekend. Sometimes I wonder if things will ever work out for me. I am reasonably sure that I am the problem. My neighbor has not responded to my letter on Wednesday. Who can blame her? I am a 25 year old aimless slacker who hates his job, has no career in mind at my current place of employment, is a drunk, smoker, insomniac, constipated, always feeling sick, depressed loser. I am unable to get any meaningful relationship going with anyone. I have friends, but not a girlfriend to talk to in any real way. I have no one I can trust or feel like trusting. I am living a very sad life. I wonder if this will change. I am trying, I just can't get it right. I have to keep hoping that something big will happen soon in a positive way. I'm falling into new ruts to go along with the old ruts. These are not positives. I need someone to save me.

2 June 1996 -

Something happened. Finally. I'll get to that in a bit. Thursday I got a day off from work and went down to BW3 , drank for free for four hours, then went to Maxwell's. A cheesy move, I admit. I picked up some Art Ed major from Newark named Sarah. I walked her to her dorm (in the stupid stadium, a long walk). She annoyed me. Not much happened. I left after a 1/2 hour or so. I made the mistake of giving her my phone number. She called Friday, but will hopefully not again. Friday night after work, I went to En Unison and was hit on by some 40ish year old woman named Sharon. It was pretty pathetic. She gave me her number, I don't think I'll call. Saturday, I went to BW3 Bethel and hung out for about 3 hours, then went to campus to see my friend Dave Elhatton. I realized I left my ID at Bethel and went back to get it around 10:30 or 11:00. Dave left to get stoned. Anyway, at Bethel I saw Carol Matthews again. Only this time Laura Simpson was with her, and she and I talked for 2 hours or something. I hadn't seen her in 2 years, and only once in like 5 years. Anyway, she looked great and I gave her a ride to her apartment. She lives with Carol and the great Tom Wade. She had to get up for work at 7 this morning, so I only stayed about 45 minutes. But we did start kissing pretty heavily for awhile, and I realized it was the first meaningful kiss I'd had in a long time. It was pretty amazing. Things would have progressed, but Laura had to get up early, which was ok in a way. There may have been some kind of connection. I will pursue this. I promised her I would not and cannot fuck this up. I met Laura in 1st grade or something and really liked her in 4th grade a lot. She was the best looking girl by far in 4th grade. In 5th grade we had different teachers, then we quit going to the same school. I didn't see her until 1990. She became friends with Cara at school and we hung out a lot that summer. There was a group of 6 or 7 of us that did a lot of underage drinking. I saw her a few times after that, but something was always wrong as far as getting involved. Last night was the first time we kissed. It was pretty cool. Normally I hate kissing because I don't really care about the girl I'm with. Last night was different. We work incompatible hours, which sucks. Something good finally happened. I can't screw it up. Wish me luck. Today I worked. Then rented Casino. It was not as great as I had hoped. Still, pretty damn good. I've been spending a lot of time today thinking about old Laura. I must call her tomorrow.