I got a text from Geilfuss Saturday afternoon. He was in some bar in Canton and a number of idiot college football fans were going on about how much harder college football players try than NFL guys do. And there really isn't anything you can say to folks like that. Delusional people are gonna keep being delusional, no matter what. It's best to just let them live in their fantasy worlds. And start drinking heavily. That always helps.
I was out at the Wing Joint on Battleground last night. They've hired a new server (they go through servers faster than Nancy Pelosi goes through dildos). And this server is a little different than the average stupid 20ish skanks who work at the place for 2 or 3 nights before quitting. This server is a little more aged. I started calling her Grandma. Grandma has red hair and quite a worn-looking face, no doubt from hitting the crystal meth pipe daily for the last couple decades. Well, I was a little bored and asked one of the other servers (a Rasta chick named Kate) for a pen. I grabbed some napkins and started composing love letters to Grandma on them. The first one said: Dear Granny, I yearn for you tragically. Love 4ever, _____. Now, I'm a shy person by nature. So I was nervous about how to pass this note along to Grandma. I asked Greensboro's favorite bartender, Dave, to slip it to her when he got a chance. Alas, once Dave read my heartfelt plea to Grandma, he refused to be the conduit for a possible love match between Grandma and myself. I was undeterred. I penned another note. This one said: I find you to be a very lovely woman. I showed this note to Dave and for some reason he started laughing uncontrollably. I said, "Dave, don't mock my attempt to show my earnest feelings for Grandma." For some reason my comment made Dave laugh even harder. Well, a few hours passed and I'd all but given up on getting Grandma's attention, much less a piece of her fire red, extremely hairy bush. But then my luck changed. Dave cut her for the night. And Grandma sat down at the bar. Then I told Dave to buy Grandma a shot on me. That's when things went haywire. When informed of my offer, Grandma came down to an open seat next to me at the bar, and hoisted her ragged ass up on the bar stool. She introduced herself (I paid no attention to her real name). Then she spent 5 tedious minutes deciding what kind of shot to order. Dave kept making suggestions and Grandma kept saying "No honey. I ain't been able to drink no Bacardi since the 70's." Stuff like that. Finally, Grandma ordered 2 pecker heads (it had Southern Comfort and tasted like Kool Aid if anyone cares). So, Grandma and I downed the pecker heads. Then she started talking to me. And I quickly fell out of love with Grandma. Nothing Grandma said was remotely enticing. It was the opposite of enticing. The moment I lost all interest in an amorous tryst with Grandma was when she told me about how much she wanted to get out of her bra. I said, "Why?" Grandma said, "Honey, I never done did like wearin bras and at my age I just want em to hang free." I said, "Well, that's reasonable Grandma. But does it ever hurt when, as you slip your bra off, your saggy tits plummet and your nipples immediately smack down onto your knees?" Grandma evidently found this amusing, because she said, "I believe I'm gonna like you, honey." I got up pretty fast and went out to smoke.
Brandon & I are through with Playas. Go back and read some of the posts from last football season about the freaks and idiots we dealt with in there on Saturdays and Sundays. To that end, we needed to find a new place for College Gameplan. And I think we have. We went downtown Saturday to a joint called RumbleForeskins. And everything was fine for the most part. The bartender was helpful and friendly. All the games we wanted to see were on. My only issue was with this woman watching the App St game. This woman was loud. If anyone doesn't know, App came from 21 down in the 4th quarter to win over some team from Tennessee. And this crazy middle-aged woman was making orgasm-esque noises after every big play for the Mountaineers. Stuff like - "Yesss, yessss, yessssss!" & "Ohhh, ohhhhh, Uuhmmmmm, yessssssss!" It was a little annoying. I noticed this this orgasm sounding middle-aged lady App fan was drinking wine. And it looked like half a bottle was poured into the glass - literally. And I guess nothing describes middle-aged female App fans better than copious amounts of wine, screaming loudly like Meg Ryan in that unwatchably unrealistic movie with Billy Crystal, and making degenerate gamblers uncomfortable in the process.
I had the opportunity to see a film last week called Orphan. It came out last year, I think. Anyway, it was watchable - stupid, but vaguely entertaining. Whatever. The key with this film is that there is a big shocking ending. I won't ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it. But, I will say it was totally unrealistic. Still, it's worth checking out. If you're bored and it's on, it beats reruns of Roseanne or Home Improvement or anything currently an ABC.
Some leftist nut took people hostage last week to try and get TLC to quit airing shows about families with slews of offspring. I've never seen the shows this guy found so offensive. I'm sure they're terrible. What's interesting is that this nutty guy was inspired by one Albert Arnold Gore - you remember, the guy who refuses to pay for happy ending massages. I'm not clear on how watching alarmist propaganda like Albert Arnold Gore makes could inspire someone to take hostages at a bad cable TV channel. But, I'm sure Al is very proud nonetheless. He's been talking about how drastic action is needed to stop the horrible global warming problem. And Al's pleading has worked with this crazy TLC hating kid. I'm sure that it worked. Because if you noticed, it got about 15 degrees cooler over the weekend. Unbelievable! To know that crazed followers of Albert Arnold Gore can lower temperatures that quickly by simply taking a few folks hostage at a shitty cable network is really something. My suggestion is that Al have his worshippers target Ion next. Then Hallmark. Then CMT. Then Headline News. Before you know it, global warming will not be a problem. The problem will be global cooling...
Here are my impressions of what I saw watching the college football the past few days -
1) I was impressed most with Michigan. They moved the ball on the ground like WVU used to do under Rodriguez. And they played good defense. We'll see if they can keep it up.
2) The most impressive player I saw was Daniel Thomas of K State. He beat up the Bruins on the ground, to the tune of 230 some yards and, more importantly, a huge cover clinching TD with a minute left. Thank you, Daniel.
3) Colorado State's QB, one Pete Thomas, is I'm guessing a great kid, but he throws like a girl. Pitiful.
4) The SEC should be very proud. Florida looked pathetic against one of the worst teams in the MAC last year. Somehow, Houston Nutt and the Ole Miss Rebels managed to lose to Jacksonville State. At home. And LSU and U of M alum Les Miles tried desperately to hand Carolina a win. Of course, Butch Davis is too proud to take such a gift. He's very manly that way.
5) Andy Dalton might be having issues with his girlfriend. The kid, who you gotta like, threw 2 terrible picks against the Beavers. Dalton was fine other than that. But I needed one more score to get the cover on the Horned Frogs. The D certainly did enough, other than a few long pass plays, they were solid as ever.
6) USC is gonna struggle. They gave up almost 600 yards to Hawaii. And this is not the June Jones & Colt Brennen Warriors. I'm tempted to start going against the Trojans every week, at least for awhile.
7) Oklahoma gave up 421 yards to Utah St. That should never happen. I can tell you today, without having checked the lines, that I'm gonna bet on the Noles against the Sooners next week.
8) Overall, all these games where D1 teams play D1-AA teams is tiresome. The NCAA should ban these games. They won't because of the easy wins (except Ole Miss...) and the guaranteed payouts to 1-AA schools. Still, it's silly. And unwatchable.
Comic books, the Bible, road maps, pornography
Anything you wanna read
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