Steve Contemplates Shaving 4 Eyes

Our nifty fake leader, one Barack Hussein Obama, came out of hiding today and went ahead and lowered himself by taking questions from mere mortals, or as they are better known, his worshippers from various "news" outlets. I didn't see the thing. But, the occasion does bring to mind the fact that I haven't posted an edition of If I Could Ask Barry in way too long. So, without further ado, it might go something like this -

Barry - You! Damn brother! I thought you were a goner for sure at this point. The last report I had on you indicated that you were in a Turkish prison over in that country, uhm..., Turkey. How'd you ever escape their swarthy clutches?

TBFH - Nice to see you too, sir. I was in an overseas prison. That's true. And I'll just say this - my ass is still sore. And it still seeps. But, I did manage to escape by disguising myself and jumping a train out of the country.

Barry - What the hell? What did you disguise yourself as?

TBFH - Well, I went to the prison drug dealer, had him smuggle me a handful of Viagra into the joint, took all them, got a massive erection, and told a drunk and smelly guard I was Joe Biden. Then I ran like hell.

Barry - I always knew you were too clever for your own good, my young protege. As long as you're here, you got any questions for me?

TBFH - As a matter of fact, I was curious about why you spent your birthday all by your lonesome? I mean the only other person who I'm sure spends his birthday by himself, is me.

Barry - Excellent question, my friend. The truth is that my friends and family are pretty pissed at me here lately. All the jive that I've been telling everyone has caught up to me. I'm less popular than Jimmy Carter. And as punishment, my wife, and all my buddies made me stay home alone on my birthday.

TBFH - How'd you pass the time, sir?

Barry - Well it involved potted meat, 40's, and listening to Molly Hatchet at deafening levels.

TBFH - I'm down. But was there any lube involved?

Barry - That's a little personal, young man. But, yeah. I was stroking it pretty constantly with some of that new KY Glide.

TBFH - Cool. You watch any movies while using the lube?

Barry - Some flick with Jessica Biel. She gets me so damn horny. That ass. Damn, brother! That ass!!! I really recommend the lube by the way. It felt very sleek on my boner. Who hear me? You feel me?

TBFH - Not exactly, no. Hey, I was also curious about the love you threw in W's direction a few weeks ago. What was that about? I bet your supporters weren't pleased with that.

Barry - Well, I probably shouldn't have done that. But the truth is that after 20 months in this job, I've come to realize that I was way too idealistic, and to be frank, delusional, about how this job would go. And in thinking about that I realized that President Bush did a way better job than I ever gave him credit for. But, as I said, I shouldn't have gone public with my thoughts there. I'm even deeper into my wife's doghouse.

TBFH - Gotcha. I appreciated your candor.

Barry - That's the problem right there, my young padawan. When I start uttering thoughts that a crazed nut job like you agrees with, then I'm really stepping in it.

TBFH - No doubt. Well hang in there dude. I'm gonna get going.

Barry - Where you runnin off to now, young brother?

TBFH - Probably to a Quickie Mart. You've put me just in the mood for some 40's of St. Ides and 4 or 5 tins of pig tripe.

Barry - Hey, can I join you? I'm pretty lonely.

TBFH - No thanks, sir. If you're seen getting hammered-ass drunk with me, you're finished.

Barry - I guess you're right there, kid.

TBFH - I'm out.

I was out last night for a bit. And it was okay. I was a little agitated with the fact that Miss St doesn't have a QB who can throw the damn football. And with the fact that Ryan Longwell couldn't make an extra point (the line went to +5 - so I did get a push). Anyway, eventually I ended up at the Wing Joint on Battleground at about 11:30. Steve & Derek were out as well. For those of you who don't know Steve, he's been struggling with the ladies lately. He's pretty desperate. He's even been hallucinating about a hot neighbor of his knocking on his door at 3 AM wearing crotchless panties and shaved raw. So, as I said, the kid has been having a tough go of it with the babes. To that end, Dave, Derek, and I have been on the lookout for a possible love connection for Steve. And by on the lookout, I mean that any time we're out and some nasty looking skank is around, I suggest Steve buy her a shot. He doesn't always appreciate my help. Well, last night, I was suggesting that Steve consider approaching one of the servers at the Wing Joint on Battleground. This particular server used to strip at a place in Burlington. And she doesn't really have the body you'd expect a successful stripper would have. By that I mean, she has no body. And she's ugly. And she wears glasses. I call her 4 Eyes. Well, Steve was beginning to feel his beers a bit around midnight. And then he responded to my mocking 4 Eyes appearance by saying, "I bet she has a beautiful pussy." Derek fell over laughing. Dave fell over laughing. And I enjoyed Steve's comment quite a bit. Then Derek got me a napkin and pen and requested I write a love note to 4 Eyes for Steve. I obliged. The note said: Dear 4 Eyes, I yearn for your beautiful pussy tragically & I want to take you home and shave it raw. Love, Steve. I handed the napkin to Derek but he never passed it on to 4 Eyes. Which was just as well. The reason it was just as well is because on Thursday night at the Wing joint on Battleground the septic system quit working. There was literally a 6 foot radius of shit out in the parking lot that had come up through 3 manholes. It wasn't pleasing to smell. And I told Steve, "Well, Steve. It's just as well that you don't shave 4 Eyes' beautiful pussy. I bet it smells worse than that huge mess of shit that was in the parking lot last night." Then Dave spit out the glass of water he was drinking behind the bar. Derek spit out his Mich Ultra. Steve said, "That is so wrong." I got up, and you guessed it, walked out to smoke.

Here real quickly, as promised, are my picks for the huge football weekend ahead.

College -Memphis +13 over ECU, FAU +28 over Mich St, Iowa St +14 over Iowa, FSU +7 over Oklahoma, BYU +1 over Air Force (Top Pick for Saturday), Texas A&M -19 over La Tech, Nevada -23 over Colorado St

NFL - These are in order of how much I like the bet - Detroit +6&1/2 over Chicago, Pittsburgh +2 over Atlanta, Cle +3 over City of Tampa. And throw in GB and SF if you want 4 o'clock action. Totals to bet, again in order of how much I like them - Bal/NYJ Over 36, SD/KC Under 44&1/2.

For survivor, and I probably shouldn't give this out because Gielfuss might not like me advertising our pick, take the Patsies. It's a super tough week for Survivor. I'm guessing quite a healthy % of guys might go down week 1.

Some hills are never seen

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