The Insaner Dick Belts Ride Again

Dick Belt Bill

Last month I wrote a couple of new posts on this asinine blog for the first time in quite some time. I just checked the stats on the Google and a whopping 16 folks looked at the first one and 22 looked at the 2nd - very exciting. Anyway, the best reaction was from Luke of Jacoby fame who found my mocking of his betrothed's hashtags quite amusing.

Geilfuss also weighed in, but I have no idea what he was talking about. Shocking, I know.

Our Next Leader???

I also mentioned one of the 250 folks running to be our dear leader in the Democrat primaries, the mayor of South Bend, Indiana. I have no idea how the guy is doing, but I noticed there were more debates last week - this time in Detroit for some strange reason. I didn't watch any of it, but did read that one of the throng of candidates was, like old Barry, from Hawaii. And that got my attention for sure. Her name is Tulsi Gabbard - a very cool name in my opinion. I did a little research on Ms. Gabbard and found out she is an ace surfer. I was hoping she was a mediocre ex-hoopster like Barry, alas...I have no idea what any of her positions are, but I have some guesses on some positions she might dabble in. Anyway, turns out that Tulsi is a Major in the Army, so I'm not gonna mock her at all. In fact of the whole lot running in the Democrat field, she seems like the best choice to me. I don't vote, but if I did Tulsi would be my choice. She'll probably drop out next month after my endorsement...

I mentioned the sordid world of fantasy football a number of times back when people actually read this blog. And I have a massive update on Fantasy that I'm gonna share with all 20 of you reading this. After years of mocking it, I have been playing it 3 of the past 4 years. I had a slight change of mind. Here's what happened - one of the awful dive bars I've frequented from time to time has had a Fantasy going since like 2012 or something. It's called the Fitzwilly's League of Champions. You can look it up on the ESPN web deal if you'd like. Anyway, in 2015 there was an opening in this league and the commissioner of the thing, a kid from Lima named Ben, begged me to join. The circumstances surrounding the invite were really awful - the opening was because a buddy of mine had fallen down his basement stairs on Christmas Eve the previous year and broke his neck and died. That's a story for another time. I decided what the hell, I'll join. I had other motives than honoring my dead buddy. Those were financial. See, I knew most of the folks in the league and knew most of them were clueless about the NFL. And since the winner gets $800, well you can see my line of thought.

That first year I joined I had the most points during the regular season, not shocking. However, the way the payouts work is that if you don't make the title game you get nothing. You might as well have burned a hundred dollar bill for the shenanigans. And sure enough, I lost a semifinal game. I won't bore anyone with the details because who cares. I was so put off by losing that semifinal that I didn't play in 2016 and really had no plan to ever play again. Then something amazing happened in the summer of 2017 that pulled me back in. One of Ben's buddies from Lima was in the league and had the great misfortune of dying that June. I didn't know the guy. I only saw him at the draft the one time in 2015 and didn't speak to him that I can recall. His name was Bill Sheffield. His team name was Insane Dick Belts. That is the greatest name I have ever heard, better than any team trivia name I've ever come up with - and I've come up with some awesome names over the years. As Ben was explaining Dick Belt Bill's untimely demise, I decided to get back in the league to honor Dick Belt Bill. What I did was slightly alter the team name. Instead of Insane Dick Belts, I modified it to Insaner Dick Belts. And I did win the $800 that season. Alas, last year I lost in the damn semifinal again - I'm still bitter 8 months later...

This year's fantasy draft is only three weeks away, and I told the folks in the league I would participate again. You see, we have a keeper league, and based on our rules, I can keep Alvin Kamara for a 10th round pick for as many years as I like. That's just unfair, but hilarious. I remember at that draft two Augusts ago when I chose Kamara, no one else had any idea who he was and I was questioned by a few folks as to what the hell I was thinking. Those folks, needless to say, but I will anyway, are dumb dumbs...


YOLO

Too Many #s

A Shocking Photo

Have you ever been scrolling aimlessly on your phone through whatever website and all of a sudden a message overtakes the screen? It says something along the lines of - Congratulations!!! You have won a $1000 Walmart Gift Card!!! Or a free iPhone or whatever. I see these from time to time like everyone I'm guessing. Well, I actually clicked on one recently instead of closing the Chrome and reopening it. Needless to say, I was not a winner - not even close. What happened after clicking on the offer was an endless loop of other offers. Once I had "accepted" my big $1000 gift card, I was directed to answer yes/no to a series of other things. For example -

Do I suffer from diabetes?

Would I like to complete my GED?

Do I have itchy skin?

Would I like arch supports?

Do I need assistance with medical bills?

Do I support Israel?

Would I like a 2 day trip to the Caribbean?

Am I looking for lonely married women?

Do I have erectile dysfunction?

Do I smell?

Am I interested in Paganism?

Do I support a border wall?

Would I willingly have sex with Nancy Pelosi?

Do I have boners that last more than 8 hours?

Etc, etc, etc...

At some point I'm guessing that since there is no "end" to the series of offers, most folks, like I did, simply close the browser and give up. Does anyone know of anyone who actually got a $1000 gift card or free iPhone out of this scam? By the way, I answered Yes to every question, obviously.


Speaking of the web, I seem to get a lot of ads that direct me to things like: Shocking Photos of Woodstock. It's what someone told me is called click-bait or something. At one point I recently took the bait and checked out the "shocking" photos of Woodstock. Here's what the "shocking" photos consisted of - hippies, Janis Joplin, topless hippies, Jimi Hendrix, stoned hippies, Bowser from Sha Nan Na, muddy hippies, Country Joe and the Fish, smelly hippies, Carlos Santana, sleeping hippies...In other words there was nothing "shocking" about a single photo. I was shocked!


The big presidential race is really heating up this summer as like 200 Democrats are running to wrestle away the throne of power from Donald J Trump. I'm trying very hard not to pay any attention to it. But, try as I might, some news seems to find it's way into my brain. One of the gentlemen pursuing the throne is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana of all places. His name is Peter Buttigieg. Yes, Pete Butt. Mayor Buttigieg is trying to become the first man to become president who has a husband. I wish him well and all, but I would remind everyone that you could argue that Pete would not be the first president to have a husband. Have people not seen photos of Mary Todd Lincoln and Eleanor Roosevelt???



I happen to be browsing the Faceshit a few weeks ago and there is big news from the Jacobys. From what I could tell, Luke Jacoby is engaged. The reason I think he's engaged is because there are countless photos on his timeline (not sure if that's the correct word) of Luke and a woman in various states of bliss - at a beach, in a random car, at a picnic, at a national park, in a parking garage, at the grocery store, atop the Eiffel Tower, at a  Burger King, on the can, you get the idea.The best thing about the photos aren't the photos themselves, although they're lovely and all. The best part of all is the hashtags. Here are some of them and I swear I'm not making any of them up -

#forlife

#myfavoritehistorian

#gluttenfreegeek

#mymarylandman

#youmakemesmile

#mybaltimorebabe

#diversion

#mylight

#idahome

#nofilter

#halifaxing

#damnprettyboy

Those are just the tip of the old iceberg. How many hashtags are too many hashtags? It's not for me to say. I've never done a hashtag in my life. But it seems like there are an inordinate amount of hashtags on Luke's Faceshit. At any rate, I wish the kid the best. He's one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. I'm always amazed that he and the other Jacobys remotely tolerated me, much less Geilfuss...


Dead Souls

Drunk Hippies Walk Into A Bar...

My Guy Falkor

I was out at some joint on Battleground over the weekend and was having a pleasant enough time (although the Reds were getting smoked by the Cleveland Indians - so that sucked) when in walks a couple of hippies. I mean a couple -a guy and a gal. The guy hippie looked like a cross between Bozo the Clown and Gary Busey in Point Break. The gal hippie just looked like a standard middle-aged granola woman - straight brown hair, no make-up, plain brown dress. They quickly informed everyone at the bar they'd been on a bender since Tuesday (this was Sunday afternoon), which seemed odd as Dead and Company (the guy hippie was rocking a Dead and Company tie-dye) were in Dallas that night - nowhere near Greensboro. Anyway, I don't think they were kidding. They managed to get thrown out in about fifteen minutes, which is really hard to do on a random July Sunday afternoon. The woman hippie managed to launch into her life story for no reason. She followed the Dead from 1988 to 1993 religiously. She gave up the Dead lifestyle to have kids. She's disillusioned with her kids. She wants to go back to the Dead lifestyle (I don't know what that could possibly mean 24 years after Jerry Garcia's death). Yes, she was drunk and over-sharing, as drunk hippies are wont to do. Folks became pretty annoyed pretty fast. So this on a bender hippie chick starts to get pretty incredulous as she realizes she might be a little off-putting to the bar patrons. She proceeded to wander from the left side to the right side of the bar, desperately looking for a friendly person who would listen to her blather on about her date's wild shock of blonde hair or whatever. She happened to choose my buddy Vic as that potentially friendly person. It became rapidly apparent to this hippie that Vic would not be her knight in shining armor or even in rusty armor. She said to Vic "What, you won't listen to me either?" Vic innocently said back "What did I do? I just ordered a sandwich for fuck's sake." It was at this time that the bartender asked her and her portly probable lover to scram. They said they were headed to IUD down the road - a place no one ever gets kicked out of - ever. I hope to run into them down the road, obviously.

Like many folks over the weekend, I binge watched season 3 of The Stranger Things. It was good and all, blah, blah, blah. But this kid who plays Mikey Wheeler is so bad - cringe-worthy bad really. I kept hoping they would kill off his character and put everyone out of their misery. Alas, he survived and will be back for season 4. As for my guys Dustin and Steve; they were awesome.

Speaking of The Stranger Things season 3, my favorite scene is where Dustin and his Mormon chick Suzie sing the theme to The Neverending Story. Amazing,,,

I got a text last month from Geilfuss concerning the sad and atrocious story surrounding Kellen Winslow II and his rape convictions. I had heard very few of the details when Geilfuss sent me the text. So I investigated a bit, and read some of the most disgusting stories imaginable. This thing Winslow had with raping 60+ year old women was painful to read. Not the younger victims had it better or anything. Anyway, one of the the details that came to light was his masturbatory history while in the NFL. I mean the guy masturbated constantly in front of anyone for years while in the league. The fact he lasted for so many years and that five teams gave him a chance says it all about the NFL - if you have talent, that trumps everything.

As Jerry Seinfeld said - Not that there's anything wrong with that.


I'm a little rusty here with the blogging, but am gonna try to get back into the swing of it.

Who Put The S In There

I was sitting idly at some seedy dive bar off 161, desperately trying to be left alone to watch the Brewers/Dodgers game the other day, when one of these cigarette coupon pushers comes by and asks if I smoke. You know these people, they go from bar to bar and try to get folks to sign up for some mythical mailing list and hand you a coupon for $1 off a  pack of American Spirits or whatever. I have no interest in these people at all. Well this particular cigarette coupon pusher was extra pushy. Big pushy pusher. This woman kept asking me my brand and informing me that I was missing out on an amazing opportunity. After about 45 seconds of her being pushy, I asked if she had Down's Syndrome. She didn't like that at all. She let me know that her Dad has Down's Syndrome. I said "That's not the least bit surprising. I'm assuming he fucks like a retard, since, you know, he is a retard." She was pretty irked. She said something to the bartender about me being rude. The bartender laughed and this cigarette coupon pusher took off. Unfortunately, the Dodgers won..

This blog used to focus from time to time on our dear friend Barry and his misadventures trying to be a leader. Those were good times. Poor Barry was such an easy target. This new guy that's in there now is someone I think I have blogged about before. Back in 2009 or 2010 Dennis Rodman was on a program called Celebrity Apprentice. I watched the 3 or 4 episodes before The Worm was kicked off the show. It was all stupid and silly. I believe I may have mentioned that the host of the show, one Donald J Trump, came across as a dumb dumb blowhard. Little did I know that years later, this Celebrity Apprentice guy would become our new dear leader. Strange days indeed.

I was out at trivia last night at some really shitty joint on Lazelle and ran into Mini Macho Man on the back patio while having a smoke. The reason I call him Mini Macho Man I don't think needs an explanation...Anyway, there had just been a question asked about Presidential History. And I'm not too bad with that type of question. I was not playing on Mini Macho Man's team. I was playing on another crappy team. So Mini Macho Man asks me for the answer to this question. I said "Stevie." You might be wondering what the question was - What does the S stand for in Harry S Truman? Alas, Mini Macho Man didn't laugh...

The only good thing that came of the whole sordid trivia game I just mentioned is that I recognized the picture for the final double down dare or whatever the hell they call the last question at this game. You're not gonna stump me on a photo of the Reichstag. Obviously. My crappy team came in 2nd as a result. I've never seen people so thrilled about being the 1st loser. I walked out, lit a smoke, then went to watch the Bronco/Cards game next door. That game was over quickly.

The only person I'm going to mention to that I have written a new blog post for the first time in over 4 years is Geilfuss. If anyone else stumbles on it, that's okay too I guess. Geilfuss is now a Certified Financial Planner living in Boca Raton or somewhere with tons of old Jewish gals. How Geilfuss got this designation is mystifying. People trust the kid with their retirement funds and whatnot. If they only knew what I know and readers of this blog know. An incredible tale of something - only in America, whatever whatever.

By the way, Geilfuss and I tried our hand at the Survivor pool for the 10th time this fall. The Vikes lost at home as 17 point favorites to Buffalo.. Kirk Cousins is not my guy. We still haven't won the pool. It's the greatest regret of my life.


Everything Counts in Large Amounts

Fantasy Preview 2014

Coming Soon To Philly

Football is fast approaching once again. It's like clockwork every last Thursday in August. And along with the hard hitting games, skanky cheerleaders, awful announcers, and dead drunk Steeler fans, we get the return of Fantasy. Fantasy...

I've done a few Fantasy previews over the years on this blog. No one seemed to care. But that's not gonna stop me from doing another one today. Here's who to be looking to add to your Fantasy squad for this fall -

1) Wes Welker - Obvious choice. He plays in the slot...I know there are concerns about Welker's concussion problems. But when you play in the slot the way Welker plays in the slot, then concussion issues be damned. Plus he has a QB who has undergone multiple neck surgeries.

2) Matt Prater - Another Bronco. He made a 64 yard FG last December! And he kicks in the mile high air. And with weed being legal in the greater Denver area these days, I suspect that the ball will fly even farther. Did you know that when potheads exhale at a football game that the ball flies 20% farther? It's true. I read it on Faceshit. And that means it has to be true.

3) Mark Sanchez - The Mexican Joe Montana has found a new home in Philly. He's not gonna start the season for the Eagles, bur when Nick Foles inevitably gets injured, Chip Kelly will turn to Sanchez. And that means erratic throws, confused faces, and butt fumbles. I can't wait to see Sanchez play again. It's been too long.

4) Johnny Football - My favorite. I know he's been atrocious in the preseason, but these games don't count. When JFF gets in a real game, he will deliver. He might deliver lots of picks, but he'll deliver. And if Manziel flames out in the NFL, that's okay because he can join the SEC Network and sit right next to Tim Tebow and analyze Nick Saban's oversigning of recruits.

5) Bob Griffin - A gentleman on ESPN last year named Rob Parker called Bob a "cornball brother." I had never heard the term at the time. What it means is that a black dude doesn't fit Mr. Parker's views on what a back dude should believe. Mr Parker thinks that Griffin is somehow not authentic. I think it stems from some political comments Griffin made in support of Republicans or conservatives. And that makes Griffin, in the eyes of many folks, a "cornball brother." Very strange. Me? I'm okay with corn. And I like a nice ball as much as the next guy. And Brother by Toad The Wet Sprocket is really good. So, if someone called me a "cornball brother," I wouldn't be too upset. It's funny that ESPN fired Mr Parker after he made that statement last year. Doesn't Skip Bayless, Steve Smith, and Mike Ditka say equally insensitive and possibly derogatory things almost constantly?

6) Dan Snyder - A strange little man, indeed. Many journalists have stopped using the name of the Washington football club in their writing recently. And that's lovely and all, but I do wonder why the outrage now. When I first started hearing about this movement last year, it surprised me quite a bit. Where was the outrage 20, 30, 40, 50 years ago? I remember thinking at some point in the early 90's that the name of the Washington football club is cruel and racist. Why have so many folks become suddenly enlightened? It's quite vexing. Snyder is hellbent on keeping the name, claiming it honors Indian heritage. He might even believe that. It's possible. The name honors and flatters Indians the way the term redneck honors and flatters folks who are rednecks...

7) Golden Tate - Interesting cat. Tate allegedly had an affair with Russ Wilson's wife. That's right, his QB's wife. Whatever happened, Wilson is divorced and Tate is playing in Detroit. Yes, the Motor City. Matt Stafford got engaged a few months back. And you guessed it, Stafford's future bride is a hot blonde like Wilson's wife was...Be careful Matt!

Okay, I'm bored with that.

I got a text from Geilfuss last night. He's dragging me back into yet another year in the Survivor Pool. The last 4 years have been unkind, to say the least. Since making it to week 15 in 2009, I don't believe we've made it out of early October since. The Bengals did us in in 2010 & 2011. Tom Brady screwed in 2012. I don't remember off the top of my head who we lost with last year. But I'm sure Geilfuss will remember. He stays up nights worrying about Survivor.

Speaking of Fantasy, although I loathe it, I do have friends who participate in it. And my buddy Phil is one of them. His draft was last Sunday at the Kicken Chicken in the Gate City. I couldn't be there, but I did call in to help out. I heard that several children were drafting for away Dads or Moms. Like 8 year-olds. And I heard that a Chinese woman was drafting a team as well. I'm sure it was quite the eclectic scene. Anyway, the fact that little kids and foreigners were so heavily involved could explain why many picks were shockingly awful. At one point, I was informed that someone selected Sidney Rice. I'm guessing it was the Chinese chick (you know, Rice,,,). It was an interesting selection considering that Rice retired last month...

The Publisher Of YES Weekly! Says No To The Editor Of YES! Weekly

NO!!!

A couple of very interesting bits of news came out of the Gate City yesterday. Both of which I've written about on this blog over the years. The 1st item involves the Greensboro Mayoral race. You may remember 2 years ago, when that Nixonian figure himself, Robbie Perkins was running for mayor, I thought there was something terribly off about the guy and was very leery of him. And the stories that surfaced the past couple years about Perkins show that maybe I wasn't nearly leery enough of the ex-Dukie. He's been a disaster as a mayor. Not to mention a disaster as a husband, a father, and a businessman. I certainly don't have much interest in kicking Perkins now that he's down. And it turns out I don't need to kick him at all. The voters did with prejudice. After one term in office, Perkins was routed in his re-election bid last night. He was crushed by almost 20 points. What a humiliating defeat for Perkins. Goodbye, Robbie.

The 2nd bit of news involves the editor, or should I say now ex-editor, of the YES! Weekly, a kid who once took the time to write a long rant on this blog's comments section attacking me after I made some silly remarks about YES! Weekly almost 4 years ago. To this day, I don't know why this editor cared so much about a little mindless criticism dished out by some random blogger like me. His name is Brian Clarey. I saw the news of his firing this morning when I was looking into the Greensboro election results. I stumbled on it completely by accident. Anyway, it turns out the publisher of YES! Weekly may have been as unimpressed with Clarey's skills as an editor as I was several years ago. Clarey, after 9 years reigning over his little fiefdom of a local weekly, got canned. As I read a little further into the tale of his firing, I kinda started to feel bad for the kid. I really did. Turns out, Clarey is married with some number of kids. And seeing as he's not particularly adept as an editor (remember, he just got axed...), I worry for the family's well being. It sucks when someone like this Clarey cat gets his comeuppance and you can't enjoy it. Maybe Clarey can catch on at some other publication in Greensboro. But that's not likely, as the News & Record is within a few years of completely going under itself, & The Rhino, which recently resurrected itself after a brief hiatus, would never hire him due to their political leanings. Maybe Clarey can pick up some work bartending here or there. He claims to have a great deal of experience in that arena. They might be hiring at that catering place I did some work for as a bartender from time to time. Anyway, I kind of wish him well. Hell, maybe Perkins & Clarey can partner up and open a bed & breakfast in Siler City. Or a tattoo joint in Walnut Cove. Or a meth business in Asheboro. Or a massage parlor in Climax. Those all seem like reasonable suggestions...

It's Karma For Jen Bielema

Jen seems quite comfortable with her hog snout...

I came across one of the sketchiest of sketchballs last night at some Irish joint in the lovely city of Westerville. I was sitting on the far left (unusual for me to be far left in any sense...) of the massive bar, minding my own business, and hoisting back a few ice cold indiscriminate light beers when this kid came in and introduced himself to the bartender. It just so happens that this bartender had asked me my name about an hour earlier. And I'll be damned, but I told her my actual name, which is a big no-no and something I rarely do. It turns out that this kid who ambled up to the bar has the same first name as yours truly. Which is rare. I don't have a very common name. So, this bartender chick decides to inform the kid who just wandered in that he and I share this not so common first name. And boy do I wish the chick hadn't done that. This guy starts talking my ear off like we're long lost friends. He starts going on and on about how I'm the first person he's ever met in his life with the same first name as him. He claimed it was a miracle. I told him it was a coincidence, nothing more. But he wouldn't shut up about it. I walked out to smoke to get away from this kid for a bit. When I came back in I really was gonna make it a point to be curt with him in hopes that he'd leave me alone. No such luck. He asked me if I shoot pool. And as some of you know, I don't shoot pool. At least I haven't since 1996. I've retired from shooting pool, throwing darts, foosball, all of that nonsense that people do at bars to pass the time. This kid with the same first name as me was befuddled as to why I wouldn't shoot pool with him. I said that it wasn't personal. I just don't. Luckily at that juncture he found someone else to play pool with. I was spared for a bit from this strange guy. About 15 minutes later, he comes back from the pool table and asks me this gem, "Do you smoke?" And he didn't mean cigarettes by the way. I informed him that I did not partake of the old ganja myself but thanks for asking. He told me how cool he thought it would be to get high with someone who shared his first name. I told him that was absurd and added, "Could you please quit mentioning we have the same first name?" He sat down and seemed a bit perplexed that I was so nonplussed by the huge news that we had the same first name. He ordered several Coors Lights. I watched the USF/Houston game. A little more time passes. He then gets up and saunters over to the jukebox. A few seconds later, you guessed it, Pink Floyd comes on. Pink Fucking Floyd. Learning To Fly to be exact. Then Another Brick In The Wall Part 2. Then Time. Then finally Comfortably Numb. I was numb. It was approaching 8 and I really needed to leave. Between the pot offer and the Pink Floyd, I was a mental wreck. I paid up with the bartender chick, walked by the kid on my way out, and said, "Take care of yourself, _____." I went to some dive bar across the street to watch the Bengal/Dolphin game (and thank you Phins, as they were getting 3 and won outright). About the middle of the 1st quarter that same bartender chick from the Irish place pops up at this place. She tapped me on the shoulder. I didn't recognize her at first (I'm horrible about remembering who anyone is) but after a few seconds I remembered her. And I really took this girl to task for telling the guy at the Irish place my name. She apologized and said she had no idea what a sketchy character he was or she would have never divulged my name to him. I gave her a bit of a pass at that point. I certainly never have any interest in coming across this kid again though. None. Or as James Spader would say, "Nada."

I've been back to blogging for a couple of weeks now, after a 5 month hiatus or whatever. I'm not sure if anyone knows I'm back though. The number of page views is considerably lower than in the past. Which is fine by me. I really don't care if anyone reads any of this. I'm simply passing the time.

The college football season is flying by. This is already week 10. Can you believe that? Anyway, most teams only have 4 or 5 more games to play. And I haven't done this in a while. And considering almost no one will see it before it would matter a lick, I'm gonna go ahead and do some previews for several of this weekend's top games. And by top games, I mean the biggest and most vital battles in the history of human conflict. Obviously.

USC/Oregon St (-4&1/2) 9 pm tonight in Reser Stadium Corvallis, Oregon. It's always quite a spectacle when the Trojans do battle with the Beavers. An unsightly spectacle, a messy spectacle. a smelly spectacle, but a spectacle nonetheless. USC finally wised up and fired Monte Kiffin's kid last month as their head coach. The athletic director at USC is a Rhodes Scholar (and he will be happy to tell you all about it too ), so it stands to reason that eventually he'd dump Kiffin. Don't feel to bad for old Lane though. He's got plenty of dough coming his way. Corvallis has been a house of horrors for USC in the past. The Beavers have their number at home. If Pete Carroll struggled there with NFL players all over his squad, I don't see why Coach Orgeron wouldn't struggle as well. Take the Beavers. Always take the Beavers. On a serious note, watch Sean Mannion as much as you can. He may be your favorite NFL team's QB next year (that's you Brown fans, Viking fans, Jags fans, etc.).

Michigan/Michigan St (-5&1/2) 3:30 Saturday from Spartan Stadium in East Lansing, Michigan. I have been to East Lansing. I don't think I've ever mentioned it on this blog before, but I have. It was 1994 I think. I remember it smelled around campus. Like rotting corpses or maybe just regular Michigan garbage, either one. That's all I remember other than stopping in a Vietnamese restaurant and having the hottest and spiciest Chicken Fried Rice in my entire life. Damn that was tasty. On that basis alone I think the edge goes to Sparty here. The problem is I think the line is a little high for such a rivalry game. Michigan head man, one Brady Hoke, has a terrible defense on his hands & a QB who can't stop turning the damn ball over. That is a recipe for disaster. My official advice is to watch and whoever loses, just relish the fact that one of the 2  has lost. That's something.

Minnesota/Indiana (-8) 3:30 Saturday from Memorial Stadium in Bloomington, Indiana. What's surprising is that both teams don't suck this year. Granted, IU's defense does suck. They are atrocious. They surrendered 63 points to Michigan for Christ's sake. Minnesota's coach, one Jerry Kill, has been struggling with epilepsy for years. He has seizures constantly. He convulses often. And I love seizures. It's always been a dream of mine to be epileptic. It really has. I used to fake seizures all the time when I was a teen. Very few people laughed, however. I don't know why. Whatever. All I can say about this contest is that it should be a wild shootout. It wouldn't surprise me if 100 points were scored. Did I mention Indiana plays no defense?

Auburn/Arkansas (+8&1/2) 6 pm tomorrow at Reynolds Razorback Stadium in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Boy what a mess for Bret Bielema and his wife Jen Bielema. They up and ran out of Madison in the middle of the night for the big money and cosmopolitan lifestyle in Arkansas. It's baffling. Granted, Madison is a center of communism in the US, but other than that it's not such a terrible place. Bielema had become one of the easiest coaches in the world to root against at Wisconsin. He seemed to relish being a villain. Now? He's winless in SEC play and staring straight at an Auburn rushing attack that could gain 400 yards on the Hogs. Easily. As for Bret's lovely bride Jen, she tweeted back in September something pretty classless to Wisconsin fans after the debacle in the desert where the refs would not let the Badgers get a game winning field goal attempt off against ASU. She tweeted one word to Badger Nation: Karma. It's pretty funny in retrospect. The reason it's pretty funny is that the Hogs haven't won a game since her tweet went out. And it's awesome too. I hope the Tigers destroy the Razorbacks tomorrow.

Thug U/FSU (-21) 8 pm tomorrow from Bobby Bowden Field at Doak Campbell Stadium in Tallahassee, Florida. These teams are both undefeated. Both are in the BCS top 10. And yet, the Noles are 21 point favorites over the Thugs? Something fishy is going on. I don't know what it is exactly. Conventional wisdom says to take the huge dog in a rivalry like this. That was certainly my initial thought. But conventional wisdom can make you go broke quickly betting on football. I don't think I want any part of this whatsoever. One thing to keep an eye on is Jameis Winston's play for FSU. The kid's only 19. And about 18 months from now, he will be the 1st player selected at the NFL Entry Draft. He is awesome. Stephen Morris, on the other hand, has been up and down for the Canes. I don't like their chances much in this one at all.

Left Of The Dial