The weather experts here in the Capitol City were calling for about a foot of snow overnight. There is about 2 inches on the ground at the moment. So, I turned  on the local NBC affiliate a bit ago to see if their weather wizards would offer some kind of mea culpa. And of course they didn't. They had folks in a panic over the weekend - grocery stores running out of shit, hardware stores selling out ice melt and shovels, etc. Someone texted me yesterday asking if I had everything I needed for the big storm. And I replied truthfully. I texted back - I bought 2 extra packs of smokes. I'm good.

The TV's here at the Old Bag of Dicks in Clintonville are tuned to CNN again today. They have a countdown clock next to the blonde talking head that is counting down to a CNN Town Hall. It's featuring the current occupant of the White House - one Joe Biden. Anyway, I have no idea what the thing will be about - perhaps hair plugs or plagiarism of dead British Prime Ministers. Maybe both. That would seem awkward though. I don't think I've ever watched a town hall before. I don't know why anyone would. 

I was watching the old college hoops on Saturday and I have a new favorite player - Cameron Krutwig from the Ramblers of Loyola Chicago. He was on their team that made the Final Four three years ago. Me and my intern at work bet on them every game in the tournament. They won outright as underdogs in the first four rounds. It was epic. Anyway I was texting with Geilfuss during the game and Geilfuss noted that Krutwig sure looks like a rambler. And I guess that's true. To me he looks like a 22 year old Andy Reid. He can play though. For a big slow white kid he can really ball. 

I was at some joint Sunday afternoon around 4 watching the golf. This kid walks in wearing a Trump cap, MAGA hoodie, and a mask that had two words on it - Fuck Dewine (for those unaware Dewine is the governor of the Buckeye State). This kid said this as he walked past me "Trump 2 Swamp 0." It took me a few seconds to figure out what the kid meant. But then I realized he was referring to Trump's acquittals by the US Senate. He then proceeded to get shit faced while playing pool with a guy I see from time to time around town - a guy I call glasses. I call him glasses because he has the most amazing glasses of any man I've ever met. These huge blue frames and really thick lenses. Anyway, at one point this MAGA loving kid came over to me and asked if I had any quarters on me. And I did. So he gives me a crumpled up single and I hand him the quarters. I then asked if I could take a photo. And he obliged. 

I wished the kid nothing but the best...

Gotta get back to work here.

YOLO.

Geilfuss is Balding!!!

 I've been working remotely for just over a month now. That, of course, means I've been working from coffee joints and bars with decent WiFi. And  at the bars there are always lots of TV's tuned to silly sports chat shows where grown men scream at each other all day about the most innocuous topics. Things like, is Tom Brady the GOAT of all GOATS? Is Coach K a pedophile? Are the Sixers the favorites in the East? I can't figure out why they scream over these topics. Who watches this? I'm at a loss.

Other TV's at these bars are tuned to CNN or Fox News for some reason. And I've noticed the last few days that there is some big impeachment thing happening in the US Senate. I think they are impeaching the guy who used to be on Celebrity Apprentice. Evidently a group called the Proud Guys rioted  last month because the Celebrity Apprentice guy lost an election. That struck me as odd, as I would think a group called the Proud Guys would be advocates of the old dark anal arts and thus not particularly fans of the Celebrity Apprentice guy. To each his own, I guess.

There's video on CNN right now showing the Proud Guys scrapping with law enforcement last month. They look completely disorganized. What a poorly conceived plan. They had no chance to succeed. Although, come to think of it, I can't figure out what the Proud Guys would have considered a success anyway. Perhaps lynching Nancy Pelosi? What a bunch of fools. They're going to spend decades in jail at best. They could also be hung for treason. Dumb Dumbs.

I did read where our old friend, one Joe Biden of Scranton, PA (shout out to Pam Beasley) and the medically induced boners is now the great leader of the country. I wish him nothing but the best. I did see an article on my Google feed that noted that Joe keeps bowls full of boner medication in the Oval Office. Bowls of them. Big perk for our new hero.

Speaking of the Google feed, it really is terrible. It's supposed to give you stories on things you're interested in, at least I think that's the concept. It fails. I get updates on the Atlanta Hawks, Texas Rangers, Oakland A's, Michigan football and basketball, politics, and random stories on actors I've never heard of. Those are all things I'm not remotely interested in being updated on. It's highly annoying.

I had occasion to catch up with Geilfuss last August. It was a terribly sad occasion, as one of my favorite people on earth passed away -Mama Stills. I went over to Towson to pay respects, and try and console Andy and Mary. Anyway, Geilfuss did the same. And I learned one vital thing as we hung out at what used to the Turquoise Terrapin, that Geilfuss is going bald. Seriously. He was so upset about it that he cried for several hours. Poor kid. He can't catch a break. He finally has a respectable, stable job and poof! he's going bald. 

Andy, Geilfuss, Mark of Jacoby fame, and I did stop in Get Bent Lounge for old time's sake. George wasn't there. That was disappointing, as I wanted to mock him for the first time in 8 and 1/2 years. Anyway, we had two rounds of car bombs and left. I'm told I got back my hotel that night by Creech driving me there. And you know I had to be hammered drunk to allow Creech to drive me anywhere. The kid seemed less sketchy than back 11, 12 years ago. So that's something I guess.

Speaking of the Jacobys,  Mark's twin Luke, took the plunge and got hitched a few months back. And much respect to Luke. He's the only one of the old trivia players who has had the balls to marry. Except Danny - he has the most awesome wife you could ever imagine. The rest of us are still single. Hell, I'm 50 now (that's depressing to type...) and still unmarried. Good luck to Luke. As I've said before, he's one of the best people you will ever meet. He has been calling me periodically during this virus shit to be sure I'm okay. And I'm really trying to hang in there. But I'm lonely as hell. It's tough. I feel like the folks having it real bad (except the folks who have died obviously) are those of us who live alone and can't go into the office to at least have some social interaction. It's terrible. The only people I interact with are drunk barflies around town. Mostly old timers to boot. Did I mention it's terrible?

Speaking of the virus shit, many of the old timer barflies around town insist it's a hoax. That doesn't seem possible, but to each his own. Free speech, blah blah blah. I know several people who have had loved ones die from it. Tell them it's a hoax.

This whole post seems like incoherent rambling, right? Same as ever...

I will try and not go a year and a half between posts again. Of course that's better than a 5 year gap I guess.

Ain't got no weed to roll. Ain't got no Swishers.

The Quad Deuce Gang

Jill Garvey

I was rereading some old posts from a blog titled It Could Be Kobe Bryant the other day. Yes, the blog that Geilfuss toiled away writing periodically from 2008 to 2010. The posts are timeless. Many of them relevant to today's general sense of angst and malaise. Geilfuss often wrote about passing the time at some shitty server job, or at the library, or watching hoops. My favorite post is where he describes being carjacked in 2004. The story is riveting - filled with holes and gaps of time that leave the reader confused. In other words, it's classic Geilfuss.

Geilfuss did read the post I put up the other day and reminisced about the time I played Fantasy in his league in 2009. He did remind me that my team name was Soiled Panties and with the first overall pick I chose Sebastian Janikowski. Good times...

I've written a little bit about the hundreds of candidates running to be our next dear leader in the Democrat Party here recently and in my last post endorsed Tulsi Gabbard from Hawaii.It's really helped as she's all the way up to 3.2% in the latest polling. I never knew I had such sway with Democrat voters. Anyway, she's trailing Joe Biden and his medically induced boner by quite a bit. I wrote about old Joe a lot back when he was second in command to Barry some time ago. He was super easy to make fun of. Gaffe after gaffe after gaffe. Also good times. I don't see any way the Democrat Party would actually nominate old Joe. He's very old and not very bright. But whatever. Another of the hundreds of folks running is one Amy Klobuchor. She's a senator from Minnesota. When researching her a bit, one discovers there is nothing remarkable about her at all - unlike Tulsi or Mayor Pete Butt. She's a lawyer who went to Yale. Half our dear leaders have been lawyers who went to Yale or Harvard or sometimes both -old W went to both, but didn't study law at either. I digress, as always. Anyway, Senator Amy has no chance to win, but she's still in the running and will be eligible for the next debate - in Houston next month. Her background has nothing interesting to talk about. I've never heard the woman speak and have no idea why I'm writing about her. So I will stop.

I wrote a little about Dick Belt Bill in my last post Even though I never really knew him at all, the main thing I recall from the one time we were in the same place at the same time is that he wore some black leather get up in August - reminiscent of the gimp in Pulp Fiction - you know Zed's boy. Anyway, another character I have come across here the last few years is a kid called  Quad Deuce. The reason he's called Quad Deuce is because he's known for taking four shits every day at work. His legend was born long before I ever set foot in the office park here. When I first met the kid, I was immediately informed by a colleague of this kid's status as Quad Deuce. I had never heard of such an interesting thing to be nicknamed for. It's pretty neat really. He's worked for me from time to time on some highly irrelevant projects I've been in charge of and he's pretty quiet, but I did notice that he was gone from his work area four times a day for around 15 minutes - sure enough pooping, pooping, pooping, and pooping. I actually have joined a gang at work called the Quad Deuce. It's just me and the same colleague who told me about the whole Quad Deuce situation. We aren't accepting any new members, ever. Our gang sign is kinda interesting. I could probably get kicked out of the gang for sharing this, but since no one reads this blog, what does it matter? I'll let caution fly, etc. Our gang sign in the Quad Deuce gang is to, using your right hand, first flash four fingers then flash two fingers - see, Quad Deuce!!!

I was out a few weekends ago enjoying the golf and same baseball at some truly awful place on High Street that no one should ever  go to. Deranged dummies run rampant in the joint. There was on old woman in the place at the time. She was hammered. Anyway, she decided to inform me that the country was currently under a code red. I had no idea what that meant, but I said "Okay." She explained that the code red was due to the fact that two sets of planes had crashed into each other at the Nashville airport. That was news to me, but since I don't keep up with current events at all, while unlikely, her proclamation seemed possible. I checked the google on my phone to be sure and it turns out this sweaty old drunk woman was delusional. There wasn't a code red or any plane crashes in Kid Rock's new home town.I decided not to argue with this old gal and she proceeded to ramble on for quite some time. After she got up and sauntered to the lady's loo, the bartender informed me that the woman was crazy and to pay her no mind. I responded "I surmised that."

I saw the Once Upon A time in Hollywood over the weekend. It's good and all, but way too long. Anyway, I noticed many shots that lingered on women's feet for far too many seconds - mainly  of the feet from Margot Robbie and Margaret Qualley - this Tarantino has a real foot fetish -  he's the Rex Ryan of movies.

Speaking of Margaret Qualley, if you haven't seen The Leftovers, you should. It's the best show I've ever seen.

Get that Gucci Breakfast

The Insaner Dick Belts Ride Again

Dick Belt Bill

Last month I wrote a couple of new posts on this asinine blog for the first time in quite some time. I just checked the stats on the Google and a whopping 16 folks looked at the first one and 22 looked at the 2nd - very exciting. Anyway, the best reaction was from Luke of Jacoby fame who found my mocking of his betrothed's hashtags quite amusing.

Geilfuss also weighed in, but I have no idea what he was talking about. Shocking, I know.

Our Next Leader???

I also mentioned one of the 250 folks running to be our dear leader in the Democrat primaries, the mayor of South Bend, Indiana. I have no idea how the guy is doing, but I noticed there were more debates last week - this time in Detroit for some strange reason. I didn't watch any of it, but did read that one of the throng of candidates was, like old Barry, from Hawaii. And that got my attention for sure. Her name is Tulsi Gabbard - a very cool name in my opinion. I did a little research on Ms. Gabbard and found out she is an ace surfer. I was hoping she was a mediocre ex-hoopster like Barry, alas...I have no idea what any of her positions are, but I have some guesses on some positions she might dabble in. Anyway, turns out that Tulsi is a Major in the Army, so I'm not gonna mock her at all. In fact of the whole lot running in the Democrat field, she seems like the best choice to me. I don't vote, but if I did Tulsi would be my choice. She'll probably drop out next month after my endorsement...

I mentioned the sordid world of fantasy football a number of times back when people actually read this blog. And I have a massive update on Fantasy that I'm gonna share with all 20 of you reading this. After years of mocking it, I have been playing it 3 of the past 4 years. I had a slight change of mind. Here's what happened - one of the awful dive bars I've frequented from time to time has had a Fantasy going since like 2012 or something. It's called the Fitzwilly's League of Champions. You can look it up on the ESPN web deal if you'd like. Anyway, in 2015 there was an opening in this league and the commissioner of the thing, a kid from Lima named Ben, begged me to join. The circumstances surrounding the invite were really awful - the opening was because a buddy of mine had fallen down his basement stairs on Christmas Eve the previous year and broke his neck and died. That's a story for another time. I decided what the hell, I'll join. I had other motives than honoring my dead buddy. Those were financial. See, I knew most of the folks in the league and knew most of them were clueless about the NFL. And since the winner gets $800, well you can see my line of thought.

That first year I joined I had the most points during the regular season, not shocking. However, the way the payouts work is that if you don't make the title game you get nothing. You might as well have burned a hundred dollar bill for the shenanigans. And sure enough, I lost a semifinal game. I won't bore anyone with the details because who cares. I was so put off by losing that semifinal that I didn't play in 2016 and really had no plan to ever play again. Then something amazing happened in the summer of 2017 that pulled me back in. One of Ben's buddies from Lima was in the league and had the great misfortune of dying that June. I didn't know the guy. I only saw him at the draft the one time in 2015 and didn't speak to him that I can recall. His name was Bill Sheffield. His team name was Insane Dick Belts. That is the greatest name I have ever heard, better than any team trivia name I've ever come up with - and I've come up with some awesome names over the years. As Ben was explaining Dick Belt Bill's untimely demise, I decided to get back in the league to honor Dick Belt Bill. What I did was slightly alter the team name. Instead of Insane Dick Belts, I modified it to Insaner Dick Belts. And I did win the $800 that season. Alas, last year I lost in the damn semifinal again - I'm still bitter 8 months later...

This year's fantasy draft is only three weeks away, and I told the folks in the league I would participate again. You see, we have a keeper league, and based on our rules, I can keep Alvin Kamara for a 10th round pick for as many years as I like. That's just unfair, but hilarious. I remember at that draft two Augusts ago when I chose Kamara, no one else had any idea who he was and I was questioned by a few folks as to what the hell I was thinking. Those folks, needless to say, but I will anyway, are dumb dumbs...


YOLO

Too Many #s

A Shocking Photo

Have you ever been scrolling aimlessly on your phone through whatever website and all of a sudden a message overtakes the screen? It says something along the lines of - Congratulations!!! You have won a $1000 Walmart Gift Card!!! Or a free iPhone or whatever. I see these from time to time like everyone I'm guessing. Well, I actually clicked on one recently instead of closing the Chrome and reopening it. Needless to say, I was not a winner - not even close. What happened after clicking on the offer was an endless loop of other offers. Once I had "accepted" my big $1000 gift card, I was directed to answer yes/no to a series of other things. For example -

Do I suffer from diabetes?

Would I like to complete my GED?

Do I have itchy skin?

Would I like arch supports?

Do I need assistance with medical bills?

Do I support Israel?

Would I like a 2 day trip to the Caribbean?

Am I looking for lonely married women?

Do I have erectile dysfunction?

Do I smell?

Am I interested in Paganism?

Do I support a border wall?

Would I willingly have sex with Nancy Pelosi?

Do I have boners that last more than 8 hours?

Etc, etc, etc...

At some point I'm guessing that since there is no "end" to the series of offers, most folks, like I did, simply close the browser and give up. Does anyone know of anyone who actually got a $1000 gift card or free iPhone out of this scam? By the way, I answered Yes to every question, obviously.


Speaking of the web, I seem to get a lot of ads that direct me to things like: Shocking Photos of Woodstock. It's what someone told me is called click-bait or something. At one point I recently took the bait and checked out the "shocking" photos of Woodstock. Here's what the "shocking" photos consisted of - hippies, Janis Joplin, topless hippies, Jimi Hendrix, stoned hippies, Bowser from Sha Nan Na, muddy hippies, Country Joe and the Fish, smelly hippies, Carlos Santana, sleeping hippies...In other words there was nothing "shocking" about a single photo. I was shocked!


The big presidential race is really heating up this summer as like 200 Democrats are running to wrestle away the throne of power from Donald J Trump. I'm trying very hard not to pay any attention to it. But, try as I might, some news seems to find it's way into my brain. One of the gentlemen pursuing the throne is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana of all places. His name is Peter Buttigieg. Yes, Pete Butt. Mayor Buttigieg is trying to become the first man to become president who has a husband. I wish him well and all, but I would remind everyone that you could argue that Pete would not be the first president to have a husband. Have people not seen photos of Mary Todd Lincoln and Eleanor Roosevelt???



I happen to be browsing the Faceshit a few weeks ago and there is big news from the Jacobys. From what I could tell, Luke Jacoby is engaged. The reason I think he's engaged is because there are countless photos on his timeline (not sure if that's the correct word) of Luke and a woman in various states of bliss - at a beach, in a random car, at a picnic, at a national park, in a parking garage, at the grocery store, atop the Eiffel Tower, at a  Burger King, on the can, you get the idea.The best thing about the photos aren't the photos themselves, although they're lovely and all. The best part of all is the hashtags. Here are some of them and I swear I'm not making any of them up -

#forlife

#myfavoritehistorian

#gluttenfreegeek

#mymarylandman

#youmakemesmile

#mybaltimorebabe

#diversion

#mylight

#idahome

#nofilter

#halifaxing

#damnprettyboy

Those are just the tip of the old iceberg. How many hashtags are too many hashtags? It's not for me to say. I've never done a hashtag in my life. But it seems like there are an inordinate amount of hashtags on Luke's Faceshit. At any rate, I wish the kid the best. He's one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. I'm always amazed that he and the other Jacobys remotely tolerated me, much less Geilfuss...


Dead Souls

Drunk Hippies Walk Into A Bar...

My Guy Falkor

I was out at some joint on Battleground over the weekend and was having a pleasant enough time (although the Reds were getting smoked by the Cleveland Indians - so that sucked) when in walks a couple of hippies. I mean a couple -a guy and a gal. The guy hippie looked like a cross between Bozo the Clown and Gary Busey in Point Break. The gal hippie just looked like a standard middle-aged granola woman - straight brown hair, no make-up, plain brown dress. They quickly informed everyone at the bar they'd been on a bender since Tuesday (this was Sunday afternoon), which seemed odd as Dead and Company (the guy hippie was rocking a Dead and Company tie-dye) were in Dallas that night - nowhere near Greensboro. Anyway, I don't think they were kidding. They managed to get thrown out in about fifteen minutes, which is really hard to do on a random July Sunday afternoon. The woman hippie managed to launch into her life story for no reason. She followed the Dead from 1988 to 1993 religiously. She gave up the Dead lifestyle to have kids. She's disillusioned with her kids. She wants to go back to the Dead lifestyle (I don't know what that could possibly mean 24 years after Jerry Garcia's death). Yes, she was drunk and over-sharing, as drunk hippies are wont to do. Folks became pretty annoyed pretty fast. So this on a bender hippie chick starts to get pretty incredulous as she realizes she might be a little off-putting to the bar patrons. She proceeded to wander from the left side to the right side of the bar, desperately looking for a friendly person who would listen to her blather on about her date's wild shock of blonde hair or whatever. She happened to choose my buddy Vic as that potentially friendly person. It became rapidly apparent to this hippie that Vic would not be her knight in shining armor or even in rusty armor. She said to Vic "What, you won't listen to me either?" Vic innocently said back "What did I do? I just ordered a sandwich for fuck's sake." It was at this time that the bartender asked her and her portly probable lover to scram. They said they were headed to IUD down the road - a place no one ever gets kicked out of - ever. I hope to run into them down the road, obviously.

Like many folks over the weekend, I binge watched season 3 of The Stranger Things. It was good and all, blah, blah, blah. But this kid who plays Mikey Wheeler is so bad - cringe-worthy bad really. I kept hoping they would kill off his character and put everyone out of their misery. Alas, he survived and will be back for season 4. As for my guys Dustin and Steve; they were awesome.

Speaking of The Stranger Things season 3, my favorite scene is where Dustin and his Mormon chick Suzie sing the theme to The Neverending Story. Amazing,,,

I got a text last month from Geilfuss concerning the sad and atrocious story surrounding Kellen Winslow II and his rape convictions. I had heard very few of the details when Geilfuss sent me the text. So I investigated a bit, and read some of the most disgusting stories imaginable. This thing Winslow had with raping 60+ year old women was painful to read. Not the younger victims had it better or anything. Anyway, one of the the details that came to light was his masturbatory history while in the NFL. I mean the guy masturbated constantly in front of anyone for years while in the league. The fact he lasted for so many years and that five teams gave him a chance says it all about the NFL - if you have talent, that trumps everything.

As Jerry Seinfeld said - Not that there's anything wrong with that.


I'm a little rusty here with the blogging, but am gonna try to get back into the swing of it.

Who Put The S In There

I was sitting idly at some seedy dive bar off 161, desperately trying to be left alone to watch the Brewers/Dodgers game the other day, when one of these cigarette coupon pushers comes by and asks if I smoke. You know these people, they go from bar to bar and try to get folks to sign up for some mythical mailing list and hand you a coupon for $1 off a  pack of American Spirits or whatever. I have no interest in these people at all. Well this particular cigarette coupon pusher was extra pushy. Big pushy pusher. This woman kept asking me my brand and informing me that I was missing out on an amazing opportunity. After about 45 seconds of her being pushy, I asked if she had Down's Syndrome. She didn't like that at all. She let me know that her Dad has Down's Syndrome. I said "That's not the least bit surprising. I'm assuming he fucks like a retard, since, you know, he is a retard." She was pretty irked. She said something to the bartender about me being rude. The bartender laughed and this cigarette coupon pusher took off. Unfortunately, the Dodgers won..

This blog used to focus from time to time on our dear friend Barry and his misadventures trying to be a leader. Those were good times. Poor Barry was such an easy target. This new guy that's in there now is someone I think I have blogged about before. Back in 2009 or 2010 Dennis Rodman was on a program called Celebrity Apprentice. I watched the 3 or 4 episodes before The Worm was kicked off the show. It was all stupid and silly. I believe I may have mentioned that the host of the show, one Donald J Trump, came across as a dumb dumb blowhard. Little did I know that years later, this Celebrity Apprentice guy would become our new dear leader. Strange days indeed.

I was out at trivia last night at some really shitty joint on Lazelle and ran into Mini Macho Man on the back patio while having a smoke. The reason I call him Mini Macho Man I don't think needs an explanation...Anyway, there had just been a question asked about Presidential History. And I'm not too bad with that type of question. I was not playing on Mini Macho Man's team. I was playing on another crappy team. So Mini Macho Man asks me for the answer to this question. I said "Stevie." You might be wondering what the question was - What does the S stand for in Harry S Truman? Alas, Mini Macho Man didn't laugh...

The only good thing that came of the whole sordid trivia game I just mentioned is that I recognized the picture for the final double down dare or whatever the hell they call the last question at this game. You're not gonna stump me on a photo of the Reichstag. Obviously. My crappy team came in 2nd as a result. I've never seen people so thrilled about being the 1st loser. I walked out, lit a smoke, then went to watch the Bronco/Cards game next door. That game was over quickly.

The only person I'm going to mention to that I have written a new blog post for the first time in over 4 years is Geilfuss. If anyone else stumbles on it, that's okay too I guess. Geilfuss is now a Certified Financial Planner living in Boca Raton or somewhere with tons of old Jewish gals. How Geilfuss got this designation is mystifying. People trust the kid with their retirement funds and whatnot. If they only knew what I know and readers of this blog know. An incredible tale of something - only in America, whatever whatever.

By the way, Geilfuss and I tried our hand at the Survivor pool for the 10th time this fall. The Vikes lost at home as 17 point favorites to Buffalo.. Kirk Cousins is not my guy. We still haven't won the pool. It's the greatest regret of my life.


Everything Counts in Large Amounts