Agent Zero Gets A Raw Deal

It looks like my main man Agent Zero is in some serious trouble with law enforcement in DC. I've been hesitant to mention this whole waving guns thing at the Phone Booth the last few weeks because it all seems silly to me. I will defend Agent Zero against these ludicrous charges. Anyone who is naive enough to think that shenanigans like what happened in the locker room back in December between Agent Zero and Javaris Crittenton doesn't go on all over professional sports, is living in a dream world. The problem that Agent Zero has is that it became public. And lots of white people got outraged. And then David Stern had to do something to placate the outraged white fans (so they don't quit paying exorbitant prices to sit courtside at Bullets {they'll always be the Bullets to me} games). And now this stuff with the felony charge comes up to "make an example" of Agent Zero. The fact is that Gilbert Arenas is, when healthy, one of the most entertaining and talented players in the NBA. He is one of a handful of guys I'll watch no matter who the Bullets are playing and no matter how bad the Bullets or the opposing team happens to be. I only hope Agent Zero has good attorneys who can get him out of this mess and get him back on the floor sometime in the next year. Because without Arenas around, the NBA is an inferior product. And life is not nearly as exciting - at least for folks who enjoy watching guys who can flat out ball.

I was reminded recently, by an occasional reader of this blog, that it had been forever since I'd done an installment of If I Could Ask Barry. And that reader is right. It has been a number of months. So, here we go. Remember, as always, it might go something like this:

Barry: You! The blue eyed devil himself - where the hell you been hiding? You haven't popped up in months.

TBFH: I know sir. I've been laying low again, spending lots of time hiding out in extended stays trying to avoid your boys in the ACORN, not to mention Netanyahu's boys in the Mossad. It's been pretty rough.

Barry: Well, I haven't had it so easy myself, my young protege. It's been rough for me as well. What you got for me today? Fire away.

TBFH: I wanted to ask you about the whole transparency in governing thing. I know you'd made promises to keep all the health care wheeling and dealing up front and out in public. I believe you even mentioned all the deal making being aired on C-SPAN. What happened?

Barry: That's a fair question. I never had any intention of the health care deal being put together in a public forum. I did say that I wanted that, yes. I said it over and over. But, I never had any illusion about Reid and his boys being willing to go along with such a far fetched promise. The transparency talk was to dupe fed up white suburban voters to go along with my candidacy. They like that silliness. It worked too.

TBFH: Okay. I appreciate your candor there. The other thing I was curious about is these plummeting approval ratings. I mean, you gotta be feeling a little deflated over the way lots of folks have turned on you. What do you chalk that up to?

Barry: Well, I anticipated that all along. I knew the stuff I was pedalling in the election was pie in the sky crap. And that once I got into power, all that change and hope silliness would fade quicker than Joe Biden's medically induced massively erect penis at a sorority party. I had a good idea that I'd turn into a major disappointment pretty quickly.

TBFH: Why's that?

Barry: The truth is that I'm trying to forever change this country into a European style socialist laughingstock. I knew that normal Americans would find that very upsetting. Of course, they have found it very upsetting. But, that's not a real problem for me. I'm on a mission. One I consider to be transformational in nature. I want to make all the failed leftist leaders who came before me proud. You know kid, the dudes they build up at Ivy League schools. I was never anticipating being popular for long. As long as I get what I want and make all my changes almost impossible to undo, then I'll consider myself a success. Anything else?

TBFH: Yes, how was your Christmas?

Barry: I don't like to use the word Christmas. It has a connotation that I find distasteful. But, I had a nice vacation. Got in lots of golfing.

TBFH: What did you get from your wife?

Barry: Well, it's a little embarrassing. But, between you and me, I got some sexual aides.

TBFH: Huh? You sir?

Barry: Yeah, I'm not sure if you've seen some of the tabloids at the grocery counters. But if you have, you won't be surprised to find out I got a very sleek anal tickler.

TBFH: How's it working out for you?

Barry: That's a little personal, my young padawan. I will tell you though, that I've been walking a little bow-legged. If you get my drift? Do you kid?

TBFH: I get it. I get it. Thanks, I guess. Look, I gotta run. I wanna get back to the extended stay to catch Conan before they permanently kick him off NBC.

Barry: Godspeed to you my son. Godspeed.

I got a comment about yesterday's post and in it someone was hoping I was joking about State workers sleeping in their cubicles. And I wish I could say I was. But I wasn't...

Also, I think I may have irritated the editor of one of the local weekly papers here in Greensboro. Someone purporting to be the editor of YES Weekly responded to my silly commentary on the publication. And the guy certainly has the right to respond. I'm cool with that. Although, I think he may have overreacted a bit. Just a bit. For all the readers too lazy to go back and read yesterday's comment section of this blog, I'm gonna reprint the editor's comments here, with my own comments on his comments. Note: the editor's comments are in black. My comments on his comments are in blue.

Are you kidding me, you anonymous, fatuous pussy? (Fatuous and anonymous I freely admit to. As far as being a pussy though, that's not something I've heard anyone call anyone else since college. And those instances were generally to encourage a lightweight drinker to speed up their alcohol consumption - "Down it you pussy!" That kind of thing. As Mama Stills pointed out, it is an interesting choice of words for the editor of an award winning alternative weekly. I'll simply let those of you who have had the opportunity to spend time with me decide how much of a pussy I am.) You clearly don't know your ass from a hole in the ground (I guess that might be true, but it's an odd accusation nonetheless)- I have the best damn writers in the state working for me (I don't really blame the guy for standing up for his staff, as it's the cool thing to do as a boss. I give him kudos for this. However, he never disputes that his paper, at least in the past, was riddled with errors), as evidenced by the 15 or so North Carolina Press Awards we have won since we began in 2005 (I'm not sure how prestigious these awards are to be honest, but again, kudos to YES Weekly), a far sight more than your beloved Rhino has won in that time, I should add (I'm not sure where the guy got the idea that it is "my beloved Rhino." If you read yesterday's post, I was critical of one of the columnists from the Rhino. Although, he never does dispute my assertion that the Rhino does the best job in town of covering local politics and such.)

Let me tell you something: (This sounds ominous...) I read people's writing every day (As an editor, I would assume that's the case). For money (At least they're paying the dude.). And I wouldn't hire you to write a sign that says "pull" on our front door (How about "push." Could I get an assignment writing that on the front door? Admittedly, my penmanship is awful. So, he's probably right on there.). No you are not a journalist (I've been clear that I'm not a journalist. My recollection of journalism majors {no offense to Geilfuss} is that they are smelly hippies who have father issues and hate anything having to do with "the establishment."), which is obvious by your unstudied opinion about local media (I never claimed to have a studied opinion of local media. I made it clear that I hadn't read YES Weekly in quite some time.) and the fact that your blog is largely based on copyright infringement (Not sure where this accusation comes from. If anyone else in the world, on any blog or whatever, is writing anything similar to what I am, then that's pretty depressing for all of us. If you think I suck, then that's cool. But it is original. It all flows right out of the top of my head). What you are is an imbecile (Juvenile I'll cop to, but I guess in this editor's fury he went a little over the top.) with a high speed internet connection (I do use WiFi!!!) - a growing demographic, I admit (Again, I highly doubt there's another blogger quite like me. Shudder the thought.) - and a reluctance to use your real name (It's not a reluctance. It's an outright refusal. That's the beauty of the World Wide Web of Deceit.), which is probably a good move considering the depths of your ineptitude (Certainly this editor is entitled to his opinion. Again, I don't begrudge him that. If he finds my writing/thoughts/intellect inept, he has every right to.). Do me a favor and continue to say "no" to my paper (Gladly - no problem.). I don't want mouth breathing dipshits (Interesting choice of words here, as this editor might be a fan of Dukes of Hazzard or Smokey And The Bandit. As I haven't heard the insult "dipshit" in almost 30 years.) like you sullying my brand (I would be slightly interested in hearing how this editor envisions his "brand." I don't think of YES Weekly as a brand per se. I see it more as a useless alternative weekly that promotes strip joints around the area with pictures of half naked skanks {at least they used to - my apologies if they no longer run these ads, but I bet they do}. ). And you are welcome giving you your second blog comment in, what (It's a bit hard to follow this sentence. But as I said earlier, he's more than welcome to; hell, everyone is more than welcome to leave whatever comment they'd like.), like a year (I'm not sure of the accuracy of this assertion. As Grama Dave knows, sometimes it's not the best idea to leave serious comments on this non-serious blog.)? Now go out and see if you can get yourself laid with it (This is also curious. As I'm not sure the motivation behind the comment. Maybe real writers hope to use their stories/articles to score with babes? I have no idea. This is the most puzzling thing the editor said.). Brian Clarey, Editor, YES Weekly (I am too lazy to check and see if the editor of YES Weekly is named Brian Clarey. If it's not, then the real editor should figure out who is writing comments on this blog claiming to have his job. If this really is the editor of the YES Weekly, thanks for the comment. Feel free to write in again. I'm all for healthy and rigorous disagreement.)

Well, we got a huge weekend of NFL Divisional action starting here tomorrow. For what it's worth, roll with the Ravens and the points. Peyton has struggled (at least for him) against the 3/4 and the Ravens should be able to run the football right at the Colts. It wouldn't surprise me to see Baltimore win outright.

Also, thanks to Geilfuss for his comment after Mr. Clarey's comment. He makes an excellent point. Why someone who runs an alternative weekly, would be so keen to shut up other forms of alternative thought or whatever, is pretty hypocritical. Well said there Geilfuss.

Lastly, I was watching the new Celebrity Rehab with Rodman last night. And it is awesome. And Heidi Fleiss - wow, she's looking rough. Rough. Ouch.

You are far and away

My most imaginary friend