Random Thoughts On Jersey Shore

Due to the extremely boring NFL playoff games yesterday (that's the worst thing about the playoffs - if a game sucks, you're stuck with it), I spent a good deal of the afternoon watching a Jersey Shore marathon on the MTV. It did manage to hold my attention for some reason. That reason is that the show is a perpetual train wreck.

Snooki - reminds me of a bowling ball in waiting. Give her a few years and she'll be as wide as she is tall. I like when she refused to eat the lobster, as she said "I don't think it's right to kill anything while it's still alive." I kept waiting for someone to ask her "How can you kill something if it isn't alive before killing it?" It would seem by definition that something would have to be alive in order to kill it. I also enjoyed when she used this awesome pick up line at the bar on a guy in a wife-beater - "Do you work on a farm?" The guy should have said, "Why yes. I'm Amish." Snooki kept referring to hooking up with her type of guy when out at the clubs and her type of guy seemed pretty easy to define: breathing.

Ronnie and Sammi - it was nauseating watching them almost break up every 15 minutes. I'm not sure how old they are, but they acted like 14 year olds with the constant fighting and inevitable getting back together. The thing about Ronnie is that he appears to get off on spastic dancing and fighting. His spastic dancing was reminiscent of the kids in The Charlie Brown Christmas Special. And his urge to punch random dudes on the Boardwalk was reminiscent of a guy coping, very unsuccessfully, with Roid Rage. It was harder to get a feel for Sammi, as she seemed to spend most episodes in bed, either with Ronnie, pining for Ronnie, or angry with Ronnie. I'm sure they'll have a long happy life together. And by long and happy I mean 2 weeks full of deception, crying, and domestic violence.

JWoww - I'm a big fan. She will undoubtedly be a hard looking woman within a decade (rode hard and hung up wet, as they say in the South). But for now, she is awesome. When JWoww told her boyfriend, over the phone, that she'd seen Pauly D's penis, she said it so matter of fact and without remorse that it was priceless. I wish her nothing but luck in life. She's gonna need it.

Vinny - The only remotely decent person on the show. I'm not sure why he was on there. Vinny was totally out of place. In the little private monologues each cast member gave, Vinny was the only one to sound lucid and capable of reflection. I'm sure MTV regrets having him on the show. I'm guessing when Vinny got home after filming was complete, he took like a 1 hour shower in hopes of killing whatever residual bacteria might have been lingering around him from being in the vicinity of that skank infested hot tub.

Pauly D - I loved the kid's hair. He reminded me of Jersey guys you see come into Get Bent Lounge and order Jager after Jager after Jager (like the guy in the YouTube clip My New Haircut). The best thing about Pauly D is that he seemed completely incapable of anything except thinking about what was right in front of him. I've always been slightly envious of folks who go through life like that. All Pauly D thought of was working out, getting his hair cut, doing laundry, getting drunk, getting laid, and getting rid of the girl as fast as possible after finishing with her. When Pauly D was being stalked by the Jewish chick on The Boardwalk, I think we learned something very telling about humanity - that Jewish girls are crazy...

The Situation - definitely the breakout star of the show - a man living in a fantasy world of his own design. The Situation didn't appear to have a single redeeming quality, as he never even, for a second, thought of anyone but himself. He's the kind of guy who instigates a fight, then runs away when it starts. I think lots of people are fascinated by Jersey Shore because of The Situation. Unless you spend considerable time travelling around the underbelly of society, you are unlikely to meet anyone like The Situation. In fact, you don't want to meet anyone like The Situation in person. It's best to just watch them from the safety of your sofa on the MTV.

I think there is only 1 more new episode of Jersey Shore to air (from the looks of the promos, I'm guessing that Snooki will do every guy in the house who will have her, in the hot tub). It's hard to envision this show having any staying power. MTV can put the same cast up in the same house on the shore next summer. And it will be even more contrived (believe it or not, it is possible), but the moment will have passed. And nobody will watch. In the end, all that will be left of Jersey Shore is The Situation going into clubs the rest of his life and scamming for free booze and skanks. In other words, he's destined for greatness...

Looking back on the Ravens game the other night, I really question John Harbaugh. When they got the ball down 7 at the 2 minute warning in the first half, that was some terrible play calling. And the decision to give Ray Rice only 13 carries was bizarre. Flacco had 35 attempts for 179 yards on the night. That's barely 5 yards an attempt. I know it was a bitter, bitter pill to swallow for Ravens fans. Ken Wisenhunt was in the same boat though. He abandoned the run in the middle of the 1st quarter and watched helplessly as the Saints destroyed Kurt Warner and built an insurmountable lead before halftime. As for Wade Phillips, I would give him more of a pass. The Cowboys were moving the ball most of the game, but mistakes just killed them inside the Vikes 35 yard line. And it is Wade Phillips...As for Norv Turner and the Bolts, I had a sneaking suspicion they would figure out a way to lose that game. And they did.

I was sitting out at the Scams at Brassfield the other day, minding my own business, and waiting for Brandon to show up. Anyway, they have these 32 ounce beers for $3 (it's no wonder they're on the verge of going out of business). So, I'm nursing one of these big beers and to my left was a family of 5 all huddled around the MegaTouch. And they were screaming at the thing pretty loudly. I didn't think much of it. Then, the younger daughter of the family (around 20 I'd guess) said, pretty loudly, "Ooh, look at her tits. Those are nice!" And that got my attention. So, I spun around and got out of the bar stool and walked behind them on my way out to smoke. And I'll be damned, but this family of 5 was playing what appeared to be naked photo hunt. And that's cool. I don't pass judgment. But I did notice a certain look on the mother's face as I was passing by. The look of delight as she watched with pride her son and 2 daughters play a life and death game of naked photo hunt. When I came back in after smoking, I mentioned to this full of pride mother "It's nice to see a family spend some quality time together." She said "You have no idea." Luckily they cleared out pretty soon after that. And then things got worse, because a guy came in wearing gym clothes and inquired about beer specials. He ordered a Corona and stood to my right saying things like "I'd like to fuck that cheerleader (the Saints game had started)." After several comments along those lines, I decided I should say something to him. So I said "Who Dat?" He said "Huh?" I again said "Who Dat?" He said "I'm Dat!" I said "Oh good. I was getting worried. Now if you could just stand there and keep your impure thoughts to yourself, I'd appreciate it." Fortunately for me, Brandon came in about that time. He asked "How's it going in here?" I said "Well, besides for the family that seemed hell bent on some very strange loving and this retard to my right going on about his prurient thoughts concerning Saints cheerleaders, things are still shitty." Brandon said "What's new?" I said "Exactly."

Okay, I'm getting bored again...

UPDATE AT 1:30 - I just saw a comment asking about my thoughts on the Vikings running up the score on Dallas yesterday. And generally my thought on that is if you don't want the score run up, then tackle somebody. However, in this case Brad Childress and Favre are such terrible human beings that I don't have any doubt that the score was run up because Favre had never beaten the Cowboys in the playoffs (he lost 3 in a row back in the 90's to Dallas). Remember this about Brad Childress, he looks like a pedophile. And never depend on a pedophile to do the classy thing. Again, having said that, my thought remains this: if you don't want to lose a Divisional Playoff game that badly, play better.

I'm stuck in the mud, somewhere in the swamps of Jersey