I was wandering around Battleground Saturday night about 11 or so and staggered into some bar called Ass Traps. I wasn't planning on staying too long. The place was full of freaks, as out on the patio area there was some half-assed Cornhole tournament. And if there is one thing I will mock above all else it's Cornhole (well Cornhole or The Tiger, one of the two...). I've never understood the allure of the "game." At all. Anyway, I went inside the bar and ran into my buddy Big Dave in there. And Big Dave immediately warned me about some pitiful woman at the bar, dead drunk and babbling about various stains on her white top. I didn't think much of it. About an hour went by and Big Dave and I were hanging out, downing a few beers and shots of that new coffee flavored Patron. Anyway, we went up to the bar at some point to order another round. And that's when I found myself next to the drunk broad with the multi-stained shirt. The woman decides to start talking to me. And I was just in the mood. So, I started mocking her. Badly. I told her my name was Jack, Jack Mamma. She didn't laugh. I told her I was a virgin - still waiting for the right girl to come into my life. She didn't laugh. I told her I was from Djibouti (something I've been doing quite a bit lately). She didn't laugh. She told me that she was from Saginaw, Michigan. I said, "Of course you are." She told me other things. I wasn't listening. Then at some point this nasty, stained shirt broad from Saginaw, Michigan told me she was a 2nd grade teacher. I quickly asked this question - "Sex Ed?" She said no. Then things got interesting. Because I went into great detail about why 2nd grade is precisely the time that young girls most need to get vital sex ed info. Big Dave was roaring with laughter. Now, down the bar about 4 seats was a girl who appeared to be around 30. She started listening to my alcohol fueled rant. While the stained shirt Michigan skank was generally oblivious to almost everything I was saying (remember, she was dead drunk), this other girl down the bar seemed to be getting very upset for some reason. At one point this girl down the bar asked me if I was serious. I said, "Of course. Dead serious." And then this woman got very upset. I mean she was threatening to have me tossed out. And then Big Dave got down on the floor, pounding his fist onto the linoleum (or whatever it was), and laughing as hard as I've ever seen anyone laugh. He kept saying, in between the fits of laughter, "She thinks you're serious. She really believes you!" Well, it turns out that I did not get thrown out. I've hung out with the manager of Ass Traps a few times. Instead of me getting thrown out, the uptight broad down the way got up, demanded her boyfriend or whoever get up, and walked out of Ass Traps with a strident gait. Big Dave kept laughing. And the drunk, stupid, ridiculous broad from Saginaw, Michigan just sat there, looking confused and picking at the stains on her white top. I got up to go after about 15 more minutes. I told the Saginaw skank this as I took my leave, "You might be the ugliest girl I've met in the last hour." Then I strode out of there. I might go back. You never know...
I've been hearing the same silly statements about soccer the past few days that I've been hearing every 4 years that the The World Cup has been held since 1990. The general gist of these arguments is that soccer is a sissy game, a boring game, a stupid waste of time, and that soccer is way beneath the average American sport fan's attention. It's pointless to argue with these people. But my advice to these folks is - don't watch it. I have zero interest in NASCAR and every sport played by women (except tennis). But my way around my issues with these pastimes is to ignore them as best I can. If you don't like soccer, fine. Whatever. I find it to be the most compelling sport to watch outside of the NFL. But, if you don't feel that way, could you at least say nothing about it, instead of droning on ignorantly about it??? Thanks...
I was looking at something here recently that helped confirm some opinions I'd vaguely held for about 20 years. Now, I'm not a scholar, of anything. I was always an indifferent student. The only thing that got me remotely interested in any class was when I could provoke someone who fervently held some view (teacher, professor, student) for some reason. Anyway, in the course of half-assed attaining my degree in History back at TOSU (I was even more half-assed in attaining my degree in English, obviously), I came to have very negative feelings about FDR and mixed feelings about Churchill. Well, the piece I was looking over here recently confirms, with devastating clarity and using meticulous research, that FDR was nothing more than a warmonger at heart. And Churchill might well have been a complete sociopath. Neither of them, when you get down to it, is all that different from Hitler. The key difference is that they won. Other than that,...If you've got a big problem with what I'm saying, I can understand that. Just pick up a copy of the book Human Smoke by Nicholson Baker. Or better yet, don't. You'll come away feeling sick to your stomach. At least you should. Please note that I am in no way making any admission to having actually read this book. As always, reading is for suckers. I stand by that mantra yet again.
Speaking of WWII and Nazis and such, they were showing Judgment at Nuremberg on the old TCM the other day. It had been over 20 years since I'd seen it. And it's a little heavy handed, to say the least. But pretty interesting. Old Monty Clift, he doesn't look too hot in his lone scene, but he's still very good. The performance I was most struck by was by Maximilian Schell, as the guy was stone cold genius in the film.
Speaking of Monty Clift, I've always thought the poor guy would have been better off of he'd actually died in that car crash he had in the mid-50s. Because after that, the guy wasn't himself anymore. He looked different. He lost something. I'm not sure exactly. But if you go back and watch him in From Here To Eternity or A Place In The Sun (both films are before his car crash), he might have been the best actor alive. Clift is right up there with Jimmy Cagney and Robert Downey Jr. as my favorites.
Speaking of From Here To Eternity, it does feature the girl from that movie with Uncle Billy and Clarence The Crazy Angel. And that's a good thing, because she was mind-numbingly hot.
You could wait for a lifetime
To spend your days in the sunshine
Okay, I'm out.
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