I got a text from Geilfuss yesterday asking if I was interested in joining his idiotic fantasy football league. For those of you who may not recall, last year I joined the league and only drafted players who have had run-ins with the law. I took Sebastian Janikowski with the #1 overall pick. It was funny. I laughed and laughed throughout the draft as the guys were dumbstruck by my picks. After each pick I would type into the comment bar deal what particular offense each player had been in trouble for. Blah, blah, blah. And since I don't think I can top that, and since fantasy football is for pitiful losers who don't have the balls to actually gamble on games, I don't think I'll be joining the Geilfuss fantasy experience this fall (come to think of it, I'm guessing the Geilfuss fantasy experience involves dumb skanks and lost shoes...). But, in light of last year's immensely popular post I put up called Fantasy Forecast, I am gonna do another one. Anyone who followed my fantasy tips last year may not have won a single game. However, in fantasy football winning is for losers. It's much more fun to laugh at the guys who are beating you every week. Here we go.
1) Donte Stallworth - No brainer. The one thing I'm most looking forward to during Sunday Ticket this fall is every time Stallworth is involved in a play, I'm gonna yell, "He killed a Mexican." Why, you may ask? Well, the reason I'm gonna yell "He killed a Mexican" is because he killed a Mexican.
2) Albert Haynseworth - Definitely worth a high pick. Haynesworth stole tens of millions of dollars from Little Danny Snyder. And anyone that clever deserves a serious look in your draft. Particularly look to pick up Haynesworth in leagues that give bonus points for the inability to do a series of fitness tests. You'll be golden.
3) Pacman Jones - He's back with Cincinnati and I expect him to contribute in a big way there. And by contribute in a big way, I mean contribute to the greater Cincinnati economy at the local low-rent strip joints that seem to be on every corner just over the river in Covington.
4) Tim Tebow - Huge opportunity to get a big edge in leagues where the scoring is centered around getting injured, being holier-than-thou, and performing circumcisions on unsuspecting 3rd world kids. Tebow will be awesome to watch (when he's not hurt...) because he's likely to get hurt on virtually every play. That and it will be interesting to scan the stands during Bronco games to watch the homely girls crying from simply being in the presence of their messiah.
5) Matt Leinart - Definite high selection in leagues where hitting a beer bong with mediocre looking coeds is valued.
6) Eric Mangini - Nice upside here in leagues that reward points for coaches that most resemble a creepy, potential pedophile uncle-type. Also, Mangini is always good for driving fantasy owners crazy by constantly shuffling his running backs.
7) Big Ben - He's gotta be the hottest player in fantasy this fall. After forcing himself on some nasty skank in a Georgia bar's restroom earlier this year, Roethlsiberger really elevated his fantasy value (that and the likelihood he's got the clap). Also, it should not be overlooked that Ben is a super weapon in leagues where reading insencere robotic apologies gets big points. Ben's awesome at that - "I...am...regretful...if...anyone I, um, forced...to...uh...give in to, uh, my...drunken..........um, bathroom...err, impulses...was...uh...offended...by, um...my...err, actions."
8) Roethlisberger's Body Guards - Those dudes have tremedous value if you're looking to pay guys to keep to you out of harms way in dive bars, who instead put you in harms way in dive bars.
9) Suzy Kolber - Often overlooked, but Suz is key for leagues where getting hit on by drunk, phony wig wearing, over-rated Jets QBs is valued. I'm looking forward to the Mexican Joe Montana, one Mark Sanchez, joining Joe Willie & Suz for a creepy sideline threesome some Monday evening. Joe Willie will bring the shots, don't worry about that.
10) Adrain Peterson - If your league only gives points for fumbling the football, then AP is a mortal lock to get you a title. In fact, they should just call off the season all together.
Okay, I'm bored of this. And the Wi-Fi where I'm blogging from keeps going in and out. Ridiculous.
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