The Tiger Goes Cougar

Well, more fascinatingly nauseating news on The Tiger front has emerged here the last few days. And we should have seen the first thing coming - The Tiger was doing a cougar for the past 5 years or so. I've seen a few photos of this cougar, and I gotta say she is the first reasonably not terrible woman who has been linked to The Tiger the past few weeks. It does make me wonder if The Tiger has considered further ventures into the animal kingdom however. I mean when will word of The Tiger doing a Horseface come out? Or a straight up snake? Or a cow? Or a bull dyke? Or maybe just a chicken like that guy in the South Park episode from back in the 90's?

The other piece of personal news relating to The Tiger is that it looks like Jesper Parnevik's nanny may be doing just as I predicted on this blog early last week - divorcing his ass, moving back to Sweden, and trying to forget she ever got mixed up with The Tiger in the first place. As always, I'm prescient. No doubt about that.

Also, the AP has come out with its athlete of the decade and The Tiger did get the award. I don't have too much of an issue with the choice, other than you can argue that golf is a skill and not a sport. Those arguments are pretty pointless though. I've wasted enough energy arguing with guys in bars about whether golf, bowling, auto racing, darts, billiards, and archery/shooting are sports or skills. Let me just say that NASCAR dudes get very upset if you question the athletic prowess of some of their favorite drivers.

The thing about naming the athlete or movie or album or song or TV show or whatever of the decade that I don't get is the math aspect of the whole thing. As far as I know, there was no year 0000. They skipped right from 1 B.C. to 1 A.D. So, if that's the case, wouldn't a decade end in year 10, not year 09? It was like that whole silliness over Y2K. That wasn't really the end of the millennium - a year later was. Anyway, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle on this argument and no one wants to hear it anyway. So, ...

Also, often I think we need more time to decide on the best of something before deciding how well something holds up over time. Like the best album of the 90's for instance. If I recall correctly, Spin named Nevermind the best album of the decade. And I love Nevermind as much as the next guy born between 1964 and 1973. But I'm not sure it is the best album of the 90s now. I listen more often to Oasis (Morning Glory), Beck (Odelay), Smashing Pumpkins (Siamese Dream), REM (Automatic For The People), and U2 (Achtung Baby) than I do Nevermind at this point. For what it's worth, I'd have no idea how to pick an album of the 00's at this point. But as far as song of the decade goes, Hey Ya has to be it. Brilliant. And catchy. And it makes me cry every time I hear it. As far as best movie goes, one stands out way ahead of everything else, I mean way ahead - and that is Lost In Translation, obviously. As far as TV show, I could actually make a bit of a list on that: 1) The Office (both versions, I can't even begin to pick between David Brent and Michael Scott), 2) Sopranos, 3) Curb Your Enthusiasm, 4) Mad Men, 5) Robot Chicken, 6) Freaks & Geeks, and then I get a little fuzzy. I think I am gonna try and do a whole blog on the greatest sporting events of the past 10 years here next week. That will be can't miss (of course, all my posts are can't miss, right?)

I saw where the angry, bitter guy on the MSNBC (the one who used to work with the En Fuego guy, has been fired countless times, and steals from Edward R Murrow) and I are in total agreement on this health care fiasco. I have noted several times on this blog that I would just as soon pay any fine, serve any jail time, whatever it takes to avoid being a part of any government mandated health care deal. And even though I highly doubt anyone at the MSNBC reads this blog, I have a new ally in my sheer disdain for this silliness. Of course, the reason that the guy who used to work with the En Fuego guy, has been fired countless times, and steals from Edward R Murrow is against it is that it's not socialist enough for him. And maybe the 2 of us agreeing that we both hate this health care deal should make me reconsider not supporting it. So, hold on a bit..Okay...Another minute...I still don't support it. Maybe the 2 of us will end up in jail together after not participating in the government mandates over this mess. If we do, I'm guessing I won't like him much, as I think he's a Yankees fan after all. And everyone knows that Jesus hates the Yankees. Admittedly, his breath is probably rank too - and that wouldn't help matters either, you know what with being in close quarters and all...I mean, it is jail for god's sake...

Fool enough to almost be it

Cool enough to not quite see it, doomed

The Tiger Eats At Perkins

I was gonna continue on with more tales of Christmas shopping today, and some more weird stuff did happen last Friday when I ventured over to the Not So Friendly Center and had a surreal experience that involved an Izod salesgirl, a loud old woman, handcuffs, perfume, parking spots, and fuzzy gloves...I may get to it here soon (the part about the parking spots is priceless). Instead, there was a bit of news that caught my eye and I feel compelled to comment on it.

And of course that news involves The Tiger. I have a new favorite mistress in this whole train wreck. And she is a girl who The Tiger picked up at a Perkins Restaurant. I mean to say, she was a waitress at the Perkins. The Tiger picked up an $8 an hour waitress from the Perkins and had an ongoing affair with her over at least a year or so. What would happen is that when Jesper Parnevik's nanny was out of town, The Tiger would drive over to Perkins and wait in his Escalade for the girl to get off work and then she'd follow The Tiger to his house (how cheap - on 2 levels: 1) that The Tiger wouldn't pay for some nice hotel for his extra-marital skankfests and 2) that he'd totally disrespect Jesper Parnevik's nanny by doing a Perkins skank in her home). This Perkins waitress would follow The Tiger home in her Saturn and do him then get booted out til the next time The Tiger got horny and couldn't take the time to drive more than 5 minutes to Perkins to get his skank fix. This waitress' sister was interviewed and swears that this stupid Perkins ho had convinced herself that The Tiger was really into her, and she even had hopes of being with The Tiger long term in some fantasy world she'd created in her pea sized brain. Of all the 12 or 13 hos who've come forward so far as being part of The Tiger's bevy of sleazy skanks, this Perkins girl is my favorite. Why, you may wonder? Well, I've been to Perkins a few times (the one in Cincinnati near the UC campus). Granted, each time I was there it was about 4 in the morning and I was hammered. Now, the food there is atrocious. The only use it serves is as grease to absorb some of the alcohol in your stomach. So, the fact that The Tiger would go to such an awful place to eat is really sad (was there no Denny's nearby?). But mainly what I recall about the Perkins is the waitresses who worked the overnight shift at the location near the UC campus in Cincinnati - they were deplorable, nasty, and reeking of disease and pestilence. And to think our hero, The Tiger, would stoop to picking up a Perkins skank and doing her in his wife's bed...You gotta love this story. Pure class. I can't wait to read more about this girl from Perkins. I hope she goes on Oprah and tells her story.

The other awesome development with The Tiger story is that he is appearing on the cover of some golf magazine right now with Barack Hussein Obama. The headline promises to delve into the 10 things that old Barry can learn from The Tiger. After laughing for about 5 minutes when seeing this, I started to contemplate just what the 10 things were exactly that Barry might learn from The Tiger. Here a few ideas I came up with:

1) Hang with MJ and Barkley long enough to lose total sense of reality.

2) Hire an asshole from New Zealand to throw reporters' cameras into ponds when they're (the reporters, not the ponds, silly...) bugging you.

3) Do ads for Buick, but drive the Escalade.

4) Marry for appearance purposes only (oh wait, Barry already aced this one).

5) Nail girls that look like cheap imitations of your attractive wife (oh wait, Barry doesn't have an attractive wife, oops).

6) Porn stars are quick to exploit you for a buck.

7) White skanks are easy to dupe because they have Daddy issues (oh no, wait again, he'd know this, as Barry's mother no doubt had Daddy issues).

8) When you eat at Perkins, ask to sample the pie...

I hope Andy didn't have any beer in his mouth when he read that last one, because if he did, it's all over the place now...

Speaking of our awesome fake leader, the great Barack Hussein Obama, I noticed that he is starting a new tradition at the White House that de-emphasizes the religious aspects of Christmas this holiday season. And I gotta give it to old Barry here, as there's no way to lose popularity faster with regular folks than sending the message that Christmas is about little more than Santa, Toys R Us, lacy panties, and hardware. I do have a Christmas card for Barry that I'm gonna get in the mail yet this week. I am thanking him for giving me so much material to write about this year. He's been a godsend, at least in terms of mockery. Even Jon Stewart is starting to turn on the guy now - unbelievable...

Speaking of Christmas time, I watched the movie with Uncle Billy and Clarence the angel again recently. As some of you might recall, I blogged about the film last year. And I was somewhat glib and flippant about it then (2 strengths of mine). But, in all honesty, it is a dark, dark, dark film. If most people only realized what it's really saying, then it would be appreciated by far fewer folks, but it would be known for what it really is as least - a look into the worst impulses of humankind and how, when push comes to shove, man is, like Hobbs said, wolf to every other man. Instead, the thing is beloved for all the wrong reasons. It makes me a little melancholy...

Well, I saw where Hoarders is back on the air on the A&E. I flipped over for awhile during halftime of the MNF game. This time they were profiling a brother in Boston who had stuff piled everywhere in his apartment. I'm not sure how it turned out (as the football started back up at about 10:30 or so), but I did have 2 revelations from this latest installment of Hoarders 1) I had never realized black folks hoard and 2) I think I figured out what happened to my man Dennis Oil Can Boyd over the years, because the guy on Hoarders from Boston last night strongly resembled The Oil Can.

I got lots of angry feedback to last week's assertion that Tim Tebow may be a chronic masturbator. And I stand by my utter conjecture on the whole issue, but I would like to remind the Tebow fans that there is still only one 2-time winner of the Heisman Trophy, and that is my main main main man - Archie Fucking Griffin.

Run, Run, Rudolph

Christmas Shopping - Part 1

I went out last Friday and actually stumbled into a few stores to buy some stuff for Christmas. And shopping is not one of my favorite activities, to say the least. I always seem to choose a Friday afternoon to race in and out of stores and make my purchases as quickly as possible. The problem is that other people are also out shopping. And that tends to really slow me down considerably. Women in Greensboro shop very slowly and are way too talkative.

I went into the mall over at 4 Horsemen first. I needed to stop at a place called Bathing The Body Works. While I'm checking out, the girl working the register asks me for my email. And I said, "Why? Are you gonna contact me for a date or something?" She said, "No. We email special offers and coupons to our customers from time to time." I said, "From time to time? I only come in this store once a year to buy this warm vanilla sugar stuff. And that's it." She said, "Well, you don't have to give me your email if you don't want." I replied, "Good. I don't want to and I'm not. I'm outta here." She said, "Have a great day!" And as I was walking to exit the joint, I said, "Not very likely." The only good thing about the whole ordeal with the checkout girl in Bathing The Body Works was that I am a big fan of that vanilla crap they sell. If the right girl is wearing it, then...

I then went into a calendar store. And they had way too many to choose from. It's like when I go into a bookstore and tell the clerks in there that I wish they only had one book in stock because picking one or two out of thousands is impossible. Same thing with this calendar place - they had a whole wall of doggy and kitty calenders. And then next to that they had the beefcake calenders. Anyway, this girl who works there sees me and asks if I need any help. About that time I noticed a day by day calender that promised 365 great sex tips for every day of the year. I asked the girl how many of these she'd sold. She said "You'd be surprised, quite a few." I said "After about 150 days or so, I'd be clean out of new ideas. I mean my mind can only imagine so many positions." She said "Well maybe the calender can help." I replied, "I highly doubt that. I'm not sure who these people are who came up with this 365 days of sex calender, but I would be very surprised if their imaginations were as fertile as mine, and their complete lack of shame was akin to mine as well." The girl said, "Well...you've got a point there I guess." I said "Damn right I got a point. Just ring me up for a calender with some photos of something and let me be on my way. I can't stay here another minute." And I didn't either. I bolted. Damn sex calenders. Pitiful.

I then walked past the Victorian Secretion on my way out of the 4 Horsemen Mall. And one of the girls who works there is standing outside the store trying to lure men in there to buy sexy lingerie for who knows who. So, I'm doing my best to avoid this Victorian Secretion girl and be on my way. But I'll be damned, she said this to me as I was attempting to race past "We've got great deals on lacy panties." I wasn't sure how to respond to that, but I decided on "I doubt you've got my size in stock." She said, "Oh baby. I bet we can find something that will fit you nice and snug." I was kind of startled by her statement and should have kept walking, but I said this instead "What do think my size is, for lacy panties? I mean how could you possibly guess that?" She replied "You look like a 7 baby." I said "What does that even mean, a 7?" "Come on in and I'll show you something you'll love and it will fit so snugly and you'll feel so sexy." I said "I highly doubt that, I mean the sexy part. I don't doubt the snug part though. I bet you're dead on there." Next thing I know, me and this Victorian Secretion girl are wading through a table of lacy panties, and yes they had size 7's - plenty of size 7's. She talked me into buying 3 pairs of them. And I can report that they are snug. Too snug, at times. And I don't feel all that sexy in them to be honest. But that Victorian Secretion girl, you gotta hand it to her, she was a helluva salesgirl...If you see me out around town and I look like I'm walking a little uncomfortably, like I might have something a bit constricting on, now you know why.

More shopping adventures coming soon. Merry Christmas!!!

Quigley's Christmas Picture

The nice family in Charlotte who took Quigley in earlier this year (the folks who started a blog for Quigley) posted some Christmas photos on the blog recently. Anyway, above is one of old Quigley out at a park by some lake or river. How they ever trained him to sit still for a picture is beyond me. I could never get him to sit still for anything, especially outdoors. All he ever wanted to do outdoors was chase squirrels, sticks, or tennis balls. I'm guessing they had to give Quigley puppy Prozac to keep him calm for the photo shoot. He certainly looks pretty chipper though, particularly if he is on some kind of doggy drug. Also, although it's hard to see in the photo, Quigley is sporting a very suave argyle sweater.

Merry Christmas!!!

Pig Jowls At The Food Slug

I was flipping around the old TV and saw that our friend Barry's popularity is at a staggeringly low 47% in a recent poll done by something called Gallup (maybe Gallup is involved in the carriage ride business?). And that is the lowest popularity number EVER for a president not even 11 months into his 1st term. How did this happen? Well, I would like to take some of the credit, but obviously that's ridiculous. This silly blog couldn't possibly have any real effect on public opinion (although, to be fair, I was way ahead of the curve in warning people about old Barry and his horrific agenda - just go back through the archives of this blog for evidence, I've never gone back and deleted one post, it's all there). I actually have been agreeing with a few things Barry's been proposing lately (more troops in Afghanistan, tax cuts for small business), but the overwhelming truth has become clearer and clearer - folks were duped last year by the Obama/messiah silliness and now they've woken up to the reality of what a catastrophe the man is, at least as a leader. I feel kinda bad for the guy. He's in way over his head and keeps lying to make things seem not as bad as they are, and it's hard to get too mad at his lying constantly - I don't know what his other options are. I mentioned yesterday that maybe old Barry should concentrate on exploring his homosexual tendencies (if he really has any, I have no idea) as a means of trying to slow down all the stuff he's trying to pull off that isn't going to work and in fact will, like the policies passed all year, just make things worse. The guy's in a bad spot. And it's not as much fun to mock him now, not that I'll quit of course. It's just not the same.

More The Tiger news! It seems that The Tiger, like many famous and not so famous folks, may have participated in some kind of videotaping of his extra-marital liaisons. It seems that something called Playgirl is trying to authenticate alleged images of The Tiger in an engorged state (if you know what I mean...). I'm sure Jesper Parnevik's nanny won't be too pleased with this development. Also, it appears The Tiger texted one of his hos disparaging remarks about his wife. And when those texts are made public, I promise to comment on a few of the more damning ones. It should be fun! This story is awesome. And people questioned me for years about why I had a gut feeling that The Tiger was a horrible person. One likely explanation is that I am a horrible person (as I've noted time after time on this blog the past year or so), and I recognized something in The Tiger's countenance, demeanor, or whatever that almost no one else could see. I have no idea. All I can tell you is that the truth is coming out now and at least one person saw it coming all along. Granted, I had no idea The Tiger's real character would be revealed at the age of 33. I figured it would be later in life (like OJ). But here it is...

I stumbled into the Food Slug recently to buy some food. And the check-out clerk was so completely unqualified to run a cash register, that as I stood in the line in bored terror, watching this woman try to pay for her pig jowls and be on her way, I said to no one in particular, "You know, pork is the other white meat."

I checked the Faceshit again and received an official invitation to the Christmas party/caroling deal the Jacobys are throwing Saturday night (I mentioned this event recently). And I'm not gonna be able to make it, which is probably best for all the other attendees. The reason being is that me showing up at a religious themed Christmas Party is about like a fully erect Joe Biden showing up at an old folk's home - it's gonna end badly and messy. Very messy - in a sticky way...

There seems to be a lot of hype surrounding this new Jimmy Cameron movie. It's called Avatar. I have no intention of ever seeing it. From the commercials and the trailer I've seen, all the characters look like distant relatives of Jar Jar Binks. Now, if Mace Windu were involved in some way, I might reconsider. But I'm not sitting through 2 or more hours of Jar Jar Binks' relatives walking around saying things like, "Missa horny." Or, "Missa no where missa penis be." Stuff like that.

There's also a new movie out with the girl from Jerusalem. And the girl from Jerusalem has some experience acting with Jar Jar Binks in Star Whores, Episode 1: The Fainting Man Ass.
That experience should have prepared the girl from Jerusalem for almost anything in her career. Because Star Whores, Episode 1: The Fainting Man Ass, is unwatchably silly.

I've been chastised recently by a few of the degenerates at Playas for making interesting comments about NFL QB's during Sunday Ticket action. Just for the record, here are the new nicknames I have coined for some of the NFL's signal callers:

Josh Freeman - The black Steve Young

Tom Brady- The white Jason Campbell

Jason Campbell - The black Tom Brady

Ryan Fitzpatrick - The white Akili Smith

Mark Sanchez - The Mexican Joe Montana

Bruce Gradkowski - One of the 10 best Polish Quarterbacks not named Ron Jaworski

Philip Rivers- Phil

Matt Hasselback - The Man With the Most Testosterone in the NFL (actually, this one I've been using for years)

Matthew Stafford - The Petulant Preppy

Brady Quinn - Damn, He's Terrible

Tony Romo -Tony Fucking Romo (also been using this one for years)

Peyton Manning - God

I've been noticing lots of Christmas decorations being put up around Greensboro here the past week or so. And there are these giant blow-up likenesses of Rudolph and Santa that I've noticed in a number of yards. I was driving past a guy out in his yard putting up a giant blow-up Santa the other day and I stopped, rolled down the window, and asked the dude, "What use do you get from that giant blow-up Santa the rest of the year?" The dude says "Oh, my mother-in-law uses it as a sexual aide." I asked, "How?" He replied, "She likes to grind into the tip of his nose until climax." I said, "Oh, that makes sense. Thanks."

I don't dream about anyone

Except myself

The Tiger Wears Red

It looks like things are getting worse by the hour for The Tiger, as his poor mother-in-law was rushed to the hospital overnight. I have no idea what the problem was, but wouldn't be too surprised if she passed out from watching the TV coverage of all the cocktail waitresses he's banged coming forward for their fleeting moments of fame. That or maybe there was some foul play involved. You never know. The Tiger might have gotten so pissed by his mother-in-law badgering him about all his skanks, that he lost it for a minute and in a state of drunken and Vicodin fueled rage did something regrettable. I sure hope that's not the case. But, if you've ever seen the way he snaps at photographers on the golf course, it's clear he has anger management issues. I've seen him fly off the handle a number of times over the years - at the drop of a hat. Whatever the case, my guess is that Jesper Parnevik's nanny may want to consider getting herself and her mother on a plane back to Sweden and try to forget she ever got mixed up with a perverted and angry golf prodigy. Who could blame her?

I also saw where one of The Tiger's skanks claimed that he liked her to wear red lace panties during their extra-marital sex sessions. The Tiger has a thing for red, as he wears it during the final round of tournaments. I guess what I'm wondering is, if you marry a Swedish bikini model/Jesper Parnevik's nanny, wouldn't she look just as good, if not better, than these cocktail hos in some red lingerie? Doesn't that seem plausible? I fear what may be coming out next is news that The Tiger himself enjoys wearing red lace panties during his extra-marital sex romps. I know, I know, you think I'm being unnecessarily cruel with this speculation. But, just wait. Wait for more details. The Tiger may be a kindred spirit of my man Marv Albert (YES!). Time will tell, because this awesome story is not dying any time soon.

I got a number of texts during last night's football game. And the general theme was one of utter disgust at the Ravens play, Cam Cameron's play calling, the officials, and Joe Flacco. Personally, I think the play calling was such because Cameron has lost some confidence in Flacco. Now, why that is, I can only speculate. But Flacco did look completely lost on a number of plays last night. You don't want to overreact to something like that, but it's disturbing for Ravens fans, I know because I'm friends with many of them. Their season is not over, yet. But they need to win their last 4 games and hope Denver or Jacksonville collapses. As far as the officiating goes, it wasn't good, but the weird calls didn't exclusively hurt the Ravens. It was equal opportunity crap. There was plenty to go around. One other thought on the Ravens, it's clear they should have spent more high draft picks on cornerbacks in recent years. The guys out there this season, when they've faced any kind of respectable quarterback, have been exposed. As frauds. It almost makes you long to see Cory Ivy covering the slot against Hines Ward again. Wait, scratch that. No it doesn't. I spent a whole afternoon in the cold watching that last December and then again in the AFC Championship game. It wasn't pretty. The kid did is best though. Remember Cory Ivy played in the XFL and led the league in interceptions. And no one can ever take that away from him. Ivy will forever be the all time leader in career interceptions for the XFL. If you remember the quality of quarterback play in the XFL (Wally Richardson and Casey Weldon come to mind), then that is an impressive feat by Ivy. Well, it is if you define impressive as meaning pathetic. Also, I should never mention the XFL without saying something about my main main main man, Rod Fucking Smart - He Hate Me. In all seriousness, I feel like my entire life has at least some tiny bit of meaning due to the fact I got to watch Rod Smart play football. Because, when Rod Smart was returning kicks for the Carolina Panthers (particularly his incredible 100 yard TD against the Saints), I would scream 3 words every time he got the ball in his hands, those words were - "He Hate Me!"

Geilfuss sent me a text last week from his stint in jury duty. I'm assuming he'll blog about it at some point (and that blog entry will no doubt be incoherent, per usual). Anyway, he noted that the folks at the courthouse made all the jurors watch a video that explained what a sacred duty they were all performing. I texted Geilfuss back with this query: Does the video feature Christy Canyon?

Speaking of Geilfuss, I guess it's time for another survivor update. We are, in fact, still alive after 13 weeks of NFL action. The problem is that 31 others are as well. Most guys gotta be running out of good teams to use at this point. Geilfuss and I have a number of decent options left for the final 4 weeks. I think we gotta roll with the Titans this week though. And hope we weed the number of guys left down to under 20 somehow.

I feel like I've been giving our fake leader, Barack Hussein Obama, a free pass here lately. I've barely been mentioning him. And I don't really have anything to attack him for at the moment either. Although, come to think of it, Geilfuss sent me another text recently from some check-out line and saw in one of the publications they sell at check-out lines (maybe the NY Times???) that old Barry was gay. I saw a similar headline back in the winter and commented on it in this very blog (I think the punchline was: pitcher or catcher?). I do wonder how old Barry has the time to ruin our economy, push socialized medicine, scare the hell out of our allies, be a good dad, and stay on his wife's good side, while partaking in a little anal lovemaking with I'm not sure who. He's stretching himself awfully thin. I'm a little worried about the guy. Maybe if he'd just concentrate on one thing fully, his health would be better. Personally, my vote would be for him to focus on this alleged butt cowboy friend of his. At least if he's all involved with passionate gay lovemaking, he can't screw things up at quite the same rate as he has been. It's certainly something to think about.

Can't get much worse...

The Tiger Gets His Ass Kicked By Jesper Parnevik's Nanny

A tragic event has befallen our greatest national treasure. The Tiger has had some bad publicity lately. And while no one roots against The Tiger in majors more than yours truly, this scandal and all these repulsive hos coming out of the woodwork makes me sad. Well, ... no it doesn't. I've been laughing my ass off. The ridiculous Christ-like image that the media built up The Tiger to be was always phony and anyone who didn't think he was a horrible human being the past 10 or 12 years is either a moron or not thinking about such things clearly. I would normally be the last person to criticize anyone for nailing as many skanks as possible. But, once The Tiger decided to get married to Jesper Parnevik's nanny 5 years ago, he needed to leave the skanks behind. The sheer stupidity and cluelessness The Tiger displayed in not thinking all of this was gonna hit the fan at some point is breathtaking. And it's impossible not to find it amusing that he's getting his comeuppance over all of this. I hope the nanny divorces him, or even better, pulls a Lorena Bobbitt on him and then divorces him. Of course, my man Y.E. Yang is still the hero of the year for taking down The Tiger at the PGA. Thanks, Thanks, Thanks again Y.E. You are awesome. Maybe the nanny will leave The Tiger and get with Y.E. at some point. That would really piss The Tiger off.

By the way, if you ever get the chance to see the "film" Frankenpenis starring John Wayne Bobbitt, don't.

I saw where there is some huge world gathering on climate change. It's in Denmark of all places. And Albert Arnold Gore is no doubt front and center at this deal. The problem with having a summit on climate change is that it's utterly pointless. While there is no doubt that global temperatures have risen over the past number of decades, and one could even argue that man has played some role in the climate change (something that has always struck me as impossible to prove), what blows me away is the idea that man can somehow reverse rising global temperatures through some number of measures. How??? Isn't it slightly audacious (to steal one of Barry's favorite words) to think that man can slow down, much less reverse rising temperatures? It's ridiculous. And even if man could by some process or number of procedures or rules accomplish cooling the planet, how could Albert Arnold Gore and his nutty buddies (they taste pretty good by the way, the little cookie things, not Al Gore's friends - yuck!) ever get every government on the face of the earth to participate? The whole exercise is silly and smacks of sheer chutzpah.

The huge World Cup draw was held last week. And I gotta say, the USA should be really pleased with how the draw went. We should be able to beat Algeria and Slovenia and that will get us through the group stage, no matter what happens against Wayne Rooney and the English side. One of the most positive developments of the draw is that many more Americans will be aware that there is, in fact, a country called Slovenia in the world. Also, I noticed they got Charlize Theron to help with the announcement of the draw. And she looked bored by the whole thing. She looked good though. I'll say that for her. She always looks good. Even when she played that hooker serial killer and tried to look nasty, she still looked pretty good. Charlize Theron...

Many folks are rightfully making the Spanish the favorites for the World Cup, and you'll get no disagreement from me. But watch out for the Dutch. And I would tout Ivory Coast as well, but they got a terrible draw. Terrible.

It looks like another college football regular season has ended and once again the whole BCS silliness is a mess. I don't waste time bashing the BCS. It's pointless (much like life itself). Just tell me what the match ups are, and what the lines are. That's all that matters. Having said that, TCU and Boise St are gonna play in the Fiesta Bowl and that's fine I guess. But it's also a shame. I would really enjoy seeing either team play Florida, Texas, Cincinnati, Ga Tech, Bama, or even Iowa. Instead they have to play each other. I think the line will be about TCU -6. And I would lay the points there. As for the other pointless BCS games, look for UC to be getting just over a TD against the Gators, Iowa getting about 6 against Ga Tech, Oregon laying about a field goal against TOSU, and Bama by 5 or so against the Longhorns. And, let me state now, a month before the "championship" game, that Bama will roll Texas by 13 or more.

Speaking of college football, I thoroughly enjoyed seeing Tim Tebow play like shit, get battered around, and leave the Georgia Dome humiliated Saturday. That was awesome. Hell, I even enjoyed the Capital One bowl 2 years ago, where Tebow and his boys were crucified by the University Of Michigan. It's not all Tebow's fault that the media have made him Christ incarnate (similar to how they've treated The Tiger, see above). But it's nauseating all the same. I am really looking forward to seeing Tebow try and play QB in the NFL. I just hope some organization is stupid and desperate enought to try it. Could you imagine what Jared Allen would do to Tebow? Or DeMarcus Ware?

I did notice that Tebow had a bible verse written in his eye black for Saturday's game. Now, I can't say I'm an expert on the bible. But, evidently there is a whole book about the bathroom in there, because Tebow had the word John written under one of his eyes. And if Tebow's favorite book of the bible involves going to the john, then I think he's stranger than I imagined. I know he was home schooled and all. I figured it was for religious reasons. But based on the bathroom fixation revelation, I'd say that maybe Tebow was home schooled because he's a chronic masturbator and his folks didn't want him in a public high school's bathroom jacking off every hour. And really, who can blame them? That's some serious parental love. God bless the Tebow family!

More big news is out of that papist enclave in the pastures of Indiana. The Irish finally fired that glutton Charlie Wies. He never won one big game. Ever. I was hoping they would keep him around for another season or more. Because a very predictable betting trend developed with Wies, especially this season. When the Irish were favored, bet against them (UConn, Navy, etc). When they were getting points (Pitt, Stanford), bet on them. They were gold. And their nickname is the Golden Domers, or Golden Showers, or something. So, ...

The other thing about Weis is that he accused Pete Carroll of having an affair with a student and nobody in LA caring about this supposed transgression (to steal The Tiger's word of choice - see above). And I have no idea if Pete is doing whatever with coeds. Who cares? What I find interesting is that Weis would go out of his way to make such an allegation a few days after being canned. Why? Sour grapes? Rank jealousy? Whatever the reason, I think it's safe to say that if Weis had 2 National Titles and an almost spotless record in BCS games (thanks again Vince Young), he could shack up with the Pope's illegitimate daughter (I know, I know, you're wondering how the Pope could possibly have a legitimate daughter, and you make a point) and no one would care.

It looks like the US Senate is still debating this health care deal. I haven't been following the debate too closely. And I'm not an expert on anything, much less Senatorial bluster, but I'm guessing that they're going to keep talking and talking and talking about it for weeks more on end. And as long as they never actually pass the thing, then I'm all for all the pointless talking. Keep it up Harry Reid!

Very bad day yesterday with the bets. And I gotta say, Tom Brady played so poorly and screwed me and Brandon so badly, that we have started calling him the white Jason Campbell. Also, the Bolts prevent defense, all it did was prevent us from covering...Pitiful.

I want to apologize to Andy and Jeff for not being able to make it to the big trivia semi-final last Thursday. I was super busy and couldn't get away. The good news is that I just checked the trivia company website and I am super happy to report that the guy who plays devil's advocate and studies his notes did not win the championship game. So, I'm sure that Tom is suicidal right now. Hang in there Tom. On 2nd thought, well, keep contemplating Tom...

I saw on the Faceshit that the Jacobys are having some kind of Christmas party this weekend, where promises of old fashioned caroling are made. Or should I say threats of old fashioned caroling are made. What would be cool is if Geilfuss and I staggered to this party dead drunk and changed all the lyrics to the carols to be pornographic. I think everyone would enjoy that. That's the real spirit of Christmas right there.

As I mentioned above, I was pretty busy the past couple weeks and didn't get a chance to blog about one of the weirdest days of the year - Black Friday. I've never done any shopping on Black Friday, but when I was a kid they had this stupid thing at the convention center in downtown Columbus called the Festival Of Trees (I'm not making this up). And nothing is more boring to a 10-12 year old kid than being stuck at a Festival Of Trees for several hours on the Friday after Thanksgiving. The whole point of it was that companies would sponsor these Christmas trees and decorate them very elaborately. There were at least 50 of them, maybe more. I used to sit in the part of the convention center floor where they had different groups caroling all day (the Jacobys would probably have enjoyed it). What I would do to kill the time until we had to return to the orphanage was walk up to various female carolers and ask if they were named Carol. The confused looks on their faces only amused me for so long, then I would get into real trouble. What I liked to do was kind of join in with a group of singers. Only I wouldn't sing with them. I'd just stand there and point at some girl's rack who was up on the stage singing. Eventually I'd get kicked off the stage and receive a stern talking to from the orphanage director. But I never minded getting a stern talking to by the orphanage director. Because I liked to ask her about her trim presentation vis a vis the holidays. I mean did she shave her trim into the shape of a reindeer? Or Santa face (admittedly, you'd have to have pretty thick bush to pull this off, or maybe I should be delicate and say you'd have to have access to a broad canvas)? Anyway, by the time she was finished scolding me, it was time to leave the Festival Of Trees. And every year I was able to find out one valuable nugget of information about the orphanage director, she liked to keep things raw - no matter the time of year.

Yellow matter mustard

Dripping from a dead dog's eye