I went out last Friday and actually stumbled into a few stores to buy some stuff for Christmas. And shopping is not one of my favorite activities, to say the least. I always seem to choose a Friday afternoon to race in and out of stores and make my purchases as quickly as possible. The problem is that other people are also out shopping. And that tends to really slow me down considerably. Women in Greensboro shop very slowly and are way too talkative.
I went into the mall over at 4 Horsemen first. I needed to stop at a place called Bathing The Body Works. While I'm checking out, the girl working the register asks me for my email. And I said, "Why? Are you gonna contact me for a date or something?" She said, "No. We email special offers and coupons to our customers from time to time." I said, "From time to time? I only come in this store once a year to buy this warm vanilla sugar stuff. And that's it." She said, "Well, you don't have to give me your email if you don't want." I replied, "Good. I don't want to and I'm not. I'm outta here." She said, "Have a great day!" And as I was walking to exit the joint, I said, "Not very likely." The only good thing about the whole ordeal with the checkout girl in Bathing The Body Works was that I am a big fan of that vanilla crap they sell. If the right girl is wearing it, then...
I then went into a calendar store. And they had way too many to choose from. It's like when I go into a bookstore and tell the clerks in there that I wish they only had one book in stock because picking one or two out of thousands is impossible. Same thing with this calendar place - they had a whole wall of doggy and kitty calenders. And then next to that they had the beefcake calenders. Anyway, this girl who works there sees me and asks if I need any help. About that time I noticed a day by day calender that promised 365 great sex tips for every day of the year. I asked the girl how many of these she'd sold. She said "You'd be surprised, quite a few." I said "After about 150 days or so, I'd be clean out of new ideas. I mean my mind can only imagine so many positions." She said "Well maybe the calender can help." I replied, "I highly doubt that. I'm not sure who these people are who came up with this 365 days of sex calender, but I would be very surprised if their imaginations were as fertile as mine, and their complete lack of shame was akin to mine as well." The girl said, "Well...you've got a point there I guess." I said "Damn right I got a point. Just ring me up for a calender with some photos of something and let me be on my way. I can't stay here another minute." And I didn't either. I bolted. Damn sex calenders. Pitiful.
I then walked past the Victorian Secretion on my way out of the 4 Horsemen Mall. And one of the girls who works there is standing outside the store trying to lure men in there to buy sexy lingerie for who knows who. So, I'm doing my best to avoid this Victorian Secretion girl and be on my way. But I'll be damned, she said this to me as I was attempting to race past "We've got great deals on lacy panties." I wasn't sure how to respond to that, but I decided on "I doubt you've got my size in stock." She said, "Oh baby. I bet we can find something that will fit you nice and snug." I was kind of startled by her statement and should have kept walking, but I said this instead "What do think my size is, for lacy panties? I mean how could you possibly guess that?" She replied "You look like a 7 baby." I said "What does that even mean, a 7?" "Come on in and I'll show you something you'll love and it will fit so snugly and you'll feel so sexy." I said "I highly doubt that, I mean the sexy part. I don't doubt the snug part though. I bet you're dead on there." Next thing I know, me and this Victorian Secretion girl are wading through a table of lacy panties, and yes they had size 7's - plenty of size 7's. She talked me into buying 3 pairs of them. And I can report that they are snug. Too snug, at times. And I don't feel all that sexy in them to be honest. But that Victorian Secretion girl, you gotta hand it to her, she was a helluva salesgirl...If you see me out around town and I look like I'm walking a little uncomfortably, like I might have something a bit constricting on, now you know why.
More shopping adventures coming soon. Merry Christmas!!!
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