I was gonna continue on with more tales of Christmas shopping today, and some more weird stuff did happen last Friday when I ventured over to the Not So Friendly Center and had a surreal experience that involved an Izod salesgirl, a loud old woman, handcuffs, perfume, parking spots, and fuzzy gloves...I may get to it here soon (the part about the parking spots is priceless). Instead, there was a bit of news that caught my eye and I feel compelled to comment on it.
And of course that news involves The Tiger. I have a new favorite mistress in this whole train wreck. And she is a girl who The Tiger picked up at a Perkins Restaurant. I mean to say, she was a waitress at the Perkins. The Tiger picked up an $8 an hour waitress from the Perkins and had an ongoing affair with her over at least a year or so. What would happen is that when Jesper Parnevik's nanny was out of town, The Tiger would drive over to Perkins and wait in his Escalade for the girl to get off work and then she'd follow The Tiger to his house (how cheap - on 2 levels: 1) that The Tiger wouldn't pay for some nice hotel for his extra-marital skankfests and 2) that he'd totally disrespect Jesper Parnevik's nanny by doing a Perkins skank in her home). This Perkins waitress would follow The Tiger home in her Saturn and do him then get booted out til the next time The Tiger got horny and couldn't take the time to drive more than 5 minutes to Perkins to get his skank fix. This waitress' sister was interviewed and swears that this stupid Perkins ho had convinced herself that The Tiger was really into her, and she even had hopes of being with The Tiger long term in some fantasy world she'd created in her pea sized brain. Of all the 12 or 13 hos who've come forward so far as being part of The Tiger's bevy of sleazy skanks, this Perkins girl is my favorite. Why, you may wonder? Well, I've been to Perkins a few times (the one in Cincinnati near the UC campus). Granted, each time I was there it was about 4 in the morning and I was hammered. Now, the food there is atrocious. The only use it serves is as grease to absorb some of the alcohol in your stomach. So, the fact that The Tiger would go to such an awful place to eat is really sad (was there no Denny's nearby?). But mainly what I recall about the Perkins is the waitresses who worked the overnight shift at the location near the UC campus in Cincinnati - they were deplorable, nasty, and reeking of disease and pestilence. And to think our hero, The Tiger, would stoop to picking up a Perkins skank and doing her in his wife's bed...You gotta love this story. Pure class. I can't wait to read more about this girl from Perkins. I hope she goes on Oprah and tells her story.
The other awesome development with The Tiger story is that he is appearing on the cover of some golf magazine right now with Barack Hussein Obama. The headline promises to delve into the 10 things that old Barry can learn from The Tiger. After laughing for about 5 minutes when seeing this, I started to contemplate just what the 10 things were exactly that Barry might learn from The Tiger. Here a few ideas I came up with:
1) Hang with MJ and Barkley long enough to lose total sense of reality.
2) Hire an asshole from New Zealand to throw reporters' cameras into ponds when they're (the reporters, not the ponds, silly...) bugging you.
3) Do ads for Buick, but drive the Escalade.
4) Marry for appearance purposes only (oh wait, Barry already aced this one).
5) Nail girls that look like cheap imitations of your attractive wife (oh wait, Barry doesn't have an attractive wife, oops).
6) Porn stars are quick to exploit you for a buck.
7) White skanks are easy to dupe because they have Daddy issues (oh no, wait again, he'd know this, as Barry's mother no doubt had Daddy issues).
8) When you eat at Perkins, ask to sample the pie...
I hope Andy didn't have any beer in his mouth when he read that last one, because if he did, it's all over the place now...
Speaking of our awesome fake leader, the great Barack Hussein Obama, I noticed that he is starting a new tradition at the White House that de-emphasizes the religious aspects of Christmas this holiday season. And I gotta give it to old Barry here, as there's no way to lose popularity faster with regular folks than sending the message that Christmas is about little more than Santa, Toys R Us, lacy panties, and hardware. I do have a Christmas card for Barry that I'm gonna get in the mail yet this week. I am thanking him for giving me so much material to write about this year. He's been a godsend, at least in terms of mockery. Even Jon Stewart is starting to turn on the guy now - unbelievable...
Speaking of Christmas time, I watched the movie with Uncle Billy and Clarence the angel again recently. As some of you might recall, I blogged about the film last year. And I was somewhat glib and flippant about it then (2 strengths of mine). But, in all honesty, it is a dark, dark, dark film. If most people only realized what it's really saying, then it would be appreciated by far fewer folks, but it would be known for what it really is as least - a look into the worst impulses of humankind and how, when push comes to shove, man is, like Hobbs said, wolf to every other man. Instead, the thing is beloved for all the wrong reasons. It makes me a little melancholy...
Well, I saw where Hoarders is back on the air on the A&E. I flipped over for awhile during halftime of the MNF game. This time they were profiling a brother in Boston who had stuff piled everywhere in his apartment. I'm not sure how it turned out (as the football started back up at about 10:30 or so), but I did have 2 revelations from this latest installment of Hoarders 1) I had never realized black folks hoard and 2) I think I figured out what happened to my man Dennis Oil Can Boyd over the years, because the guy on Hoarders from Boston last night strongly resembled The Oil Can.
I got lots of angry feedback to last week's assertion that Tim Tebow may be a chronic masturbator. And I stand by my utter conjecture on the whole issue, but I would like to remind the Tebow fans that there is still only one 2-time winner of the Heisman Trophy, and that is my main main main man - Archie Fucking Griffin.
Run, Run, Rudolph
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