The Tiger Gets His Ass Kicked By Jesper Parnevik's Nanny

A tragic event has befallen our greatest national treasure. The Tiger has had some bad publicity lately. And while no one roots against The Tiger in majors more than yours truly, this scandal and all these repulsive hos coming out of the woodwork makes me sad. Well, ... no it doesn't. I've been laughing my ass off. The ridiculous Christ-like image that the media built up The Tiger to be was always phony and anyone who didn't think he was a horrible human being the past 10 or 12 years is either a moron or not thinking about such things clearly. I would normally be the last person to criticize anyone for nailing as many skanks as possible. But, once The Tiger decided to get married to Jesper Parnevik's nanny 5 years ago, he needed to leave the skanks behind. The sheer stupidity and cluelessness The Tiger displayed in not thinking all of this was gonna hit the fan at some point is breathtaking. And it's impossible not to find it amusing that he's getting his comeuppance over all of this. I hope the nanny divorces him, or even better, pulls a Lorena Bobbitt on him and then divorces him. Of course, my man Y.E. Yang is still the hero of the year for taking down The Tiger at the PGA. Thanks, Thanks, Thanks again Y.E. You are awesome. Maybe the nanny will leave The Tiger and get with Y.E. at some point. That would really piss The Tiger off.

By the way, if you ever get the chance to see the "film" Frankenpenis starring John Wayne Bobbitt, don't.

I saw where there is some huge world gathering on climate change. It's in Denmark of all places. And Albert Arnold Gore is no doubt front and center at this deal. The problem with having a summit on climate change is that it's utterly pointless. While there is no doubt that global temperatures have risen over the past number of decades, and one could even argue that man has played some role in the climate change (something that has always struck me as impossible to prove), what blows me away is the idea that man can somehow reverse rising global temperatures through some number of measures. How??? Isn't it slightly audacious (to steal one of Barry's favorite words) to think that man can slow down, much less reverse rising temperatures? It's ridiculous. And even if man could by some process or number of procedures or rules accomplish cooling the planet, how could Albert Arnold Gore and his nutty buddies (they taste pretty good by the way, the little cookie things, not Al Gore's friends - yuck!) ever get every government on the face of the earth to participate? The whole exercise is silly and smacks of sheer chutzpah.

The huge World Cup draw was held last week. And I gotta say, the USA should be really pleased with how the draw went. We should be able to beat Algeria and Slovenia and that will get us through the group stage, no matter what happens against Wayne Rooney and the English side. One of the most positive developments of the draw is that many more Americans will be aware that there is, in fact, a country called Slovenia in the world. Also, I noticed they got Charlize Theron to help with the announcement of the draw. And she looked bored by the whole thing. She looked good though. I'll say that for her. She always looks good. Even when she played that hooker serial killer and tried to look nasty, she still looked pretty good. Charlize Theron...

Many folks are rightfully making the Spanish the favorites for the World Cup, and you'll get no disagreement from me. But watch out for the Dutch. And I would tout Ivory Coast as well, but they got a terrible draw. Terrible.

It looks like another college football regular season has ended and once again the whole BCS silliness is a mess. I don't waste time bashing the BCS. It's pointless (much like life itself). Just tell me what the match ups are, and what the lines are. That's all that matters. Having said that, TCU and Boise St are gonna play in the Fiesta Bowl and that's fine I guess. But it's also a shame. I would really enjoy seeing either team play Florida, Texas, Cincinnati, Ga Tech, Bama, or even Iowa. Instead they have to play each other. I think the line will be about TCU -6. And I would lay the points there. As for the other pointless BCS games, look for UC to be getting just over a TD against the Gators, Iowa getting about 6 against Ga Tech, Oregon laying about a field goal against TOSU, and Bama by 5 or so against the Longhorns. And, let me state now, a month before the "championship" game, that Bama will roll Texas by 13 or more.

Speaking of college football, I thoroughly enjoyed seeing Tim Tebow play like shit, get battered around, and leave the Georgia Dome humiliated Saturday. That was awesome. Hell, I even enjoyed the Capital One bowl 2 years ago, where Tebow and his boys were crucified by the University Of Michigan. It's not all Tebow's fault that the media have made him Christ incarnate (similar to how they've treated The Tiger, see above). But it's nauseating all the same. I am really looking forward to seeing Tebow try and play QB in the NFL. I just hope some organization is stupid and desperate enought to try it. Could you imagine what Jared Allen would do to Tebow? Or DeMarcus Ware?

I did notice that Tebow had a bible verse written in his eye black for Saturday's game. Now, I can't say I'm an expert on the bible. But, evidently there is a whole book about the bathroom in there, because Tebow had the word John written under one of his eyes. And if Tebow's favorite book of the bible involves going to the john, then I think he's stranger than I imagined. I know he was home schooled and all. I figured it was for religious reasons. But based on the bathroom fixation revelation, I'd say that maybe Tebow was home schooled because he's a chronic masturbator and his folks didn't want him in a public high school's bathroom jacking off every hour. And really, who can blame them? That's some serious parental love. God bless the Tebow family!

More big news is out of that papist enclave in the pastures of Indiana. The Irish finally fired that glutton Charlie Wies. He never won one big game. Ever. I was hoping they would keep him around for another season or more. Because a very predictable betting trend developed with Wies, especially this season. When the Irish were favored, bet against them (UConn, Navy, etc). When they were getting points (Pitt, Stanford), bet on them. They were gold. And their nickname is the Golden Domers, or Golden Showers, or something. So, ...

The other thing about Weis is that he accused Pete Carroll of having an affair with a student and nobody in LA caring about this supposed transgression (to steal The Tiger's word of choice - see above). And I have no idea if Pete is doing whatever with coeds. Who cares? What I find interesting is that Weis would go out of his way to make such an allegation a few days after being canned. Why? Sour grapes? Rank jealousy? Whatever the reason, I think it's safe to say that if Weis had 2 National Titles and an almost spotless record in BCS games (thanks again Vince Young), he could shack up with the Pope's illegitimate daughter (I know, I know, you're wondering how the Pope could possibly have a legitimate daughter, and you make a point) and no one would care.

It looks like the US Senate is still debating this health care deal. I haven't been following the debate too closely. And I'm not an expert on anything, much less Senatorial bluster, but I'm guessing that they're going to keep talking and talking and talking about it for weeks more on end. And as long as they never actually pass the thing, then I'm all for all the pointless talking. Keep it up Harry Reid!

Very bad day yesterday with the bets. And I gotta say, Tom Brady played so poorly and screwed me and Brandon so badly, that we have started calling him the white Jason Campbell. Also, the Bolts prevent defense, all it did was prevent us from covering...Pitiful.

I want to apologize to Andy and Jeff for not being able to make it to the big trivia semi-final last Thursday. I was super busy and couldn't get away. The good news is that I just checked the trivia company website and I am super happy to report that the guy who plays devil's advocate and studies his notes did not win the championship game. So, I'm sure that Tom is suicidal right now. Hang in there Tom. On 2nd thought, well, keep contemplating Tom...

I saw on the Faceshit that the Jacobys are having some kind of Christmas party this weekend, where promises of old fashioned caroling are made. Or should I say threats of old fashioned caroling are made. What would be cool is if Geilfuss and I staggered to this party dead drunk and changed all the lyrics to the carols to be pornographic. I think everyone would enjoy that. That's the real spirit of Christmas right there.

As I mentioned above, I was pretty busy the past couple weeks and didn't get a chance to blog about one of the weirdest days of the year - Black Friday. I've never done any shopping on Black Friday, but when I was a kid they had this stupid thing at the convention center in downtown Columbus called the Festival Of Trees (I'm not making this up). And nothing is more boring to a 10-12 year old kid than being stuck at a Festival Of Trees for several hours on the Friday after Thanksgiving. The whole point of it was that companies would sponsor these Christmas trees and decorate them very elaborately. There were at least 50 of them, maybe more. I used to sit in the part of the convention center floor where they had different groups caroling all day (the Jacobys would probably have enjoyed it). What I would do to kill the time until we had to return to the orphanage was walk up to various female carolers and ask if they were named Carol. The confused looks on their faces only amused me for so long, then I would get into real trouble. What I liked to do was kind of join in with a group of singers. Only I wouldn't sing with them. I'd just stand there and point at some girl's rack who was up on the stage singing. Eventually I'd get kicked off the stage and receive a stern talking to from the orphanage director. But I never minded getting a stern talking to by the orphanage director. Because I liked to ask her about her trim presentation vis a vis the holidays. I mean did she shave her trim into the shape of a reindeer? Or Santa face (admittedly, you'd have to have pretty thick bush to pull this off, or maybe I should be delicate and say you'd have to have access to a broad canvas)? Anyway, by the time she was finished scolding me, it was time to leave the Festival Of Trees. And every year I was able to find out one valuable nugget of information about the orphanage director, she liked to keep things raw - no matter the time of year.

Yellow matter mustard

Dripping from a dead dog's eye