Fantasy Forecast

Geilfuss sent me a text recently about a fantasy football league he is gonna run this season. Now, normally I'm not totally down with fantasy football. I haven't been involved in it for a long time. Back in the early to mid 90's I would help my buddy Paul J Whitehouse with his draft. He won it one year and I believe the main reason was the awesome kicker Fuad Reveiz. The dude had 6 field goals one December game and Whitehouse took the championship (and over $1200). Anyway, that is the extent of my fantasy football genius - picking Fuad Reveiz for Whitehouse's fantasy team. I grew to mock fantasy football over the years, as I got more involved with the point spread part of the NFL. In fact, I have found few things more tedious than jackasses screaming over some meaningless touchdown in garbage time of a game that only affects the outcome of a fantasy football contest - contests that generally speaking have little to no money riding on them. While these morons scream over that final meaningless Jim Everett TD pass, those of us with hundreds, or even thousands of dollars on the line, get agitated with these shenanigans. Really agitated. So, my disdain for fantasy football has grown pretty intense over the past 10 or 12 years. Then last year I was talking to Graham and Geilfuss in August and they were peppering me for tips on whom to draft. And I gave them some tips - whatever, they're friends of mine. Well, I got an idea for getting back in on fantasy football at that time. And I'm gonna execute that idea here in a couple weeks because I am joining the Geilfuss' fantasy football league (maybe Geilfuss can include a link to the standings on this site so all the people who don't care can follow along). I can't give away my plan here yet. I will after the draft. It will be awesome. I promise you that. The other guys will have no idea what hit them. Anyway, with all of this in mind and the fact that ESPN seems to be dedicating hours of programming every day to fantasy previews lately, I am gonna institute the 1st annual (and possibly only ever) TBFH Fantasy Forecast. Here are the top fantasy plays for this upcoming fall of hard hitting action all over this once was, before old Barry ruined everything, great country.

1. Ron Mexico - He is back and I think as big a piece of shit as always. But - I would take Mr. Mexico very high in any draft. Why you ask? Because if you need a guy to stumble into clubs all over the Southeast and give a fake name to skanky white hos and spread various venereal diseases to these hos and by extension the poor men they normally do, then Ron Mexico is your guy. No one is rated higher on my draft board for such a purpose. Plus, if your league gives positive points for fumbles, Mexico is golden there. Fucking Golden.

2. The Knife (Irving Fryar) - Always a favorite of mine. Any time he caught the ball, I would yell really loudly, "THE KNIFE!" Now, if your league gives points for wandering outside bars wielding knives near women, Irving will always be your guy. If you just want one of the biggest wastes of talent in the history of the NFL on your roster (and who doesn't?), then I highly urge you to draft The Knife's old running mate with the Patsies, my main man, Hart Lee Dykes.

3. Jessica Simpson - Very important fantasy pick here. Jessica has great value in league's that give points for the girl Tony Fucking Romo beats off to while fantasizing about the most. She'd have to be way up there with T.O.'s girlfriend or Jason Whitten's wife. But I think Jessica is the pick, because I've seen Newlyweds with Nick & Jessica and she has a certain charm about her. I bet Nick can't get the images of Jessica's naked body writhing over him out of his mind any easier than Romo can.

4. Tom Brady's Stump of a Leg - key acquisition here for Pats fans and degenerates who fantasize about Gisele. There are rumors all over TMZ about Gisele being pregnant and if she is, who is the father? Now, all those mean folks who want to speculate about Brady not getting the job done and another man having to step in, they need to relax. I really believe that when it comes down to it, the entity most likely responsible for Gisele getting knocked up is, you guessed it: The Stump that is Tom Brady's Leg.

5. Bill Cowher's Pedophile Style Mustache - A must pick for all the babes (the 2 of them anyway) in Pittsburgh who argue with a straight face that Big Ben is not a moron and Terry Bradsahw can spell cat. If your league gives points for coaches who have creepy mustaches that indicate (either correctly or incorrectly) that they might be pedophiles, then Cowher's stache is the #1 pick. Also worth considering in this category - Andy Reid, Dave Wannstedt, and Mike Holmgren.

6. Barack Hussein Obama - If you have a liberal scoring policy in your league, old Barry is the easy #1 pick (even ahead of Bernie Sanders and Howie Dean). Hell, if your league gives points for liberalism, the guy with the #1 pick could take old Barry and collect the prize money for the season and then everyone move on for the fall. Also, if your league is giving points for most lies told this fall, old Barry would be an excellent choice there as well. He'd be right up there with guys who tell the bookie "Give me one more week and I'll get it to you."

7. Donte Stallworth - if the 1st tie break at the end of the season in your league is Mexicans killed; dude, you will be golden! Now if the tie break is responsibility for unnecessary deaths, then Stallworth is still a good pick, right up there with Leonard Little and Teddy Kennedy.

The most important thing to remember if you're gonna delve into the sordid world of fantasy football this year is this: DON'T. But if you must, remember this: DO NOT scream in the sports bar for scores that only affect your fantasy game. No one cares. Oh, and of course if you see me getting a little worked up this fall during Sunday Ticket, whether I be in San Antonio, the town Elaine Benes is from, Greensboro, or wherever, please do not ask me how much I have on a game- it's rude and none of your business.

World Shut Your Mouth