The Clueless Drunk Old Timer Ravens Fan Who Makes A Bizarre Analogy

I was sitting in that awful dive bar on W Market Street for football Saturday 2 weeks ago and this drunk, old, lonely guy wanders in. He was a Terps fan (turns out he's originally from Pikesville - and yes, I know what you're thinking, and he is Jewish). And this guy is a piece of work. He yelled "Go Maryland!" over and over. I got a little annoyed with him and decided to fuck with him a little. So at one point I told him his behavior was lascivious. Sure enough, he had no idea what lascivious meant. But, the old timer was so drunk and so tedious that he kept repeating the word lascivious over and over trying to get someone in the bar to explain what it meant. And shockingly, no one at Playas did! He accused me of being a school teacher. And that I took as an insult of course. He then just accused me of trying to confuse him. That's when I told I told him, "You're not as stupid as you look." Anyway I took off and thought nothing of it. Then the next day, I was there again to watch Sunday Ticket. And the same little old lonely drunk Jewish guy was there again to watch the Ravens/Bengals game. Only this time he was there with a buddy who was from the town Elaine Benes is from. And I know lots of Ravens fans. Some of them know what's going on and some are fairly clueless morons. But these 2 guys took the cake, they knew nothing about football, and very little about their own team. I told them at the outset to expect a tight game and don't be shocked if Cincinnati wins. They thought I was crazy. Well, 3 hours later, as Ray Lewis was letting the Bengals go down the field with a crazy personal foul penalty, these 2 didn't think I was so clueless. They actually got pissed at me - like my prediction somehow sealed the Ravens fate. Oh, and the buddy of the drunk guy - he drank Coke the entire game. He's the only Ravens fan I've ever seen at a bar not getting ripped during a game (except Ray G, but he's cheap and hates the taste of beer). A week passes and I see the old timer from Pikesville again on Saturday and he's tanked again when he walks in about 6 o'clock. This time he screams "Go Maryland" again and again and again (even though the game wasn't on TV at the bar and they were getting beat in the 4th quarter). Then the old drunk put money in the jukebox. And no one wanted to hear his awful music (it was a mix of Motown and putrid country). So the bartender wench muted it up in the front part of the bar. And that pissed the old timer drunk off. He was about to get into a fight with a dude who was about 6'3" 280 and played college football someplace or other (he told me where, once years ago, and I forget). I was getting worried for the little old Pikesville drunk's safety. Eventually he called a cab and took off before getting his ass kicked. Then on Sunday, there he was again with his Coke drinking buddy watching the Vikings/Ravens game. Here's how stupid the 2 of them are: they were convinced the game was over after Minnesota got up 14-0. And I was sitting there with my buddy Brandon. And he and I know a thing or 2 about not getting too nervous or confident about the outcome of an NFL game too soon. I kept trying so hard to not listen to either one of these Ravens idiots and their mindless pessimism, but at one point I turned to them and said "Fucking Relax! The Ravens will get back into this game. Goddammit!" I told Brandon we can never sit by these morons again. He wholeheartedly agreed. As many of you know, the Ravens did come back and lost by 2. When it was over, the Coke drinking idiot said "Well, that was a tough loss." I said "That depends how you define loss doesn't it?" He said "Huh?" I said "In the only world that matters, the Ravens won by a point." He left, seemingly oblivious to what I meant. Well, the old drunk from Pikesville left as well. But around 6:30, just as I'm having it handed to me in both the Seahawks and Eagles games, this little guy comes back in the bar. He was wasted. Really wasted. He comes, puts his arm on my back (which I hate), and starts lamenting the Ravens loss. I don't remember all that was said. I'm sure I was mocking him pretty good because Brandon was laughing his ass off. Then this old timer made an analogy I'll never forget. This is the part of what he said that was awesome. He said "We got beat. We got our ass kicked. We got beat so bad it was like a Chevy Camaro." I said "What? How?" Brandon fell off the bar stool. I told the old, drunk, Jewish guy from Pikesville to head out because he was starting to get to the point I was gonna have him thrown out. He left. This guy puts the old drunk at Charred Pork Bucket to shame as far as being annoying. I'd rather hang with Dick any day. The ironic thing is this: both this little, old, drunk, annoying Jewish guy and the old drunk at the Charred Pork Bucket are from Pikesville. Unbelievable.

Barkeep gimme a drink

Barry Hits The Peace Pipe

Recently there was some incredible news out of one of the socialist countries in Europe (I think the country has something to do with Norwegian Wood by John Lennon, but whatever). A few guys over there decided to give the Nobel "Peace" Prize to my man, Barack Hussein Obama. I'm not sure if he's the first Hawaiian mulatto to get the thing or not. Now, many cruel and insensitive folks are ridiculing the fact that this awesome prize has been bestowed on old Barry. I say, don't be a hater. The man won this prize fair and square. Congratulations Barry! After all, our cool and hip leader has done many things so far worthy of a "Peace" Prize. Let me list just some, because if I tried to list everything, I'd be typing for days and days:

1) Barry went on Letterman a few weeks ago

2) Barry plays golf pretty often

3) Barry gets Joe Biden reduced cost boner medication

4) Barry has an Ivy League education

5) Barry is somewhat literate

6) Barry screwed our allies in Eastern Europe on missile defense

7) Barry is capitulating to every request from Moscow

8) Barry is completely giving in on the Iranian nuclear program

9) Barry is leaving our troops in Afghanistan twisting in the wind by not sending more men to help

10) Barry gave a speech, and another, and another, and another...

There you go! See how Barry does warrant this prestigious "Peace" Prize? And remember this too, he's in very good company as a winner of this deal. Albert Arnold Gore won the thing, and he and his nasty wife Tipper once tried to censor rock lyrics! Jimmy Carter won too, I assume for his great job growing peanuts. Kofi Annan won and he was a crook when he ran the UN. Yasser Arafat also won and he led the PLO for many years and they were largely a terrorist organization. So old Barry is in really good company on this whole thing. Send him an email of congratulations.

I mentioned Letterman earlier, and apparently he has come out and boasted about all these babes he's nailed - which is fine, a bit juvenile to boast about it in public, but whatever. The thing about these countless babes he's been doing is that they worked for him. And that is really creepy. It's not like getting together with a co-worker (which happens all the time). He's the boss of the company. And that is really uncool. I think he's lost touch with reality. I wrote a long piece about Letterman earlier this year (not totally flattering) and I had no idea this was gonna come out. One of these babes he was doing, he was sharing with her husband. I don't pass judgment on how folks wanna get freaky, but that's pretty fucked up. I mean all 3 of them, the babe, the babe's husband, and Letterman - weird freaks. Maybe Sarah Palin isn't so slutty looking after all, huh Dave?

I saw The Office a few weeks ago when Pam and Jim got married by some waterfall. And it was pretty excellent. Anyway, on the episode Dwight becomes a ladies man. He bags one of the bridesmaids and does her hard. Then the next day, he rebuffs the chick and moves on to another lonely wedding goer. It was pretty interesting to say the least. Over the years Dwight has never been portrayed as a guy who gets a lot of tail, much less as a guy who would disrespect a girl the next day (in other words, he hasn't been portrayed as a Geilfuss or, to be fair to Geilfuss, a me in regards to cheap, worthless, pointless sex). I was slightly troubled by this facet of Dwight's personality coming to light. It makes him even more unlikable than ever. Strange.

Also, they have this show on A&E where these people redo parts of your house to get it to sell faster. Anyway, it's silly. But they have this girl on there, and I can never remember her name, but she's something.

When I get to the bottom

I go back to the top of the slide

Where I stop and turn

And I go for a ride

Til I get to the bottom and I see you again

I'm out-

Barry Gets Rebuked In Denmark

Uproar over this whole situation involving Barack Hussein Obama and the Chicago Olympics (well the not Chicago Olympics is more accurate I guess) seems pretty silly to me. Did any rational person reasonably expect that Barry would help Chicago? If anything, Barry's snobbish demeanor figured to hurt Chicago's chances. I mean I've never had the fortune (or misfortune) of meeting Barry one on one (not that way, sickos), but it seems to me that if you're not one of his leftist elitist buddies, then he talks down to you and barely tolerates listening to you. When he speaks with folks who disagree with him, the photo ops of these meetings indicate sheer disdain on his face. So, it comes as no surprise that after meeting with IOC officials, they would rebuke him and his superior attitude by voting out Chicago first. And that's a real shame, because Chicago is maybe my favorite city in this country. If you spend a weekend in Chicago and don't have a good time, then I can't help you. I was really rooting for them. Now, I don't know how much of a realistic chance Chicago had at winning the games to begin with. But, I do have a strong suspicion that, whatever the odds were, they were shot to hell when old Barry and that monstrous looking wife of his got involved. Doesn't he have an economy to run further into the ground? And a war to further fuck up? You'd think he'd be happy with those awesome marks on his resume. Instead old Barry adds this Olympics fiasco to his list of failures, errr....accomplishments. That's right, they're accomplishments. I've gotta keep reminding myself of that. Stupid me.

Also, it looks like the somewhat lame comedians at SNL did a skit that very softly mocked old Barry last weekend. I only saw snippets of it. But, it didn't seem particularly mean spirited. When Lorne Michaels brings Will Ferrell back to the show, has Ferrell get into black face, and endlessly mock old Barry for being a huge disappointment to the moronic worshippers who put him onto his thrown, err...seat of power, then SNL will have begun to 1% approach the mockery of Barry as compared to it's treatment of old W. But, until then, people complaining about this skit from last week, they look silly, and petty. By the way, the guy who impersonates old Barry on SNL is not very good. In fact, I haven't seen one comedian yet who does a spot on impression of old Barry. There is the potential for mocking old Barry to be deadly funny and make the person who does it super famous.

I was sitting out at Charred Pork Bucket Monday night for awhile. Dave was playing with Dick again. Anyway, this super easy question comes up about where Frank Beamer is the football coach. And they give me the slip and I write it out. Now, my handwriting is small, and can be very difficult to read, I'll grant you that. But I made it a point to write the answer out in all caps and make the letters plenty big. Well, no one else on the team knew the answer right away and the team has an annoying habit of passing around the answer slip so everyone can get on board (which is pointless if no one else even has a clue on an answer) with what's written down. Well, this very nice Irish lady on the team looks at the answer slip for about 20 seconds and says, "I can't read this. What does this say?" I said "It says Baltimore Ravens." She said "Oh, okay. I should have heard of him." Dick was sitting there half in the bag, one hand over his eyes, the other clinging tightly to his glass of scotch, and he says, "Who gives a fuck?" I was in total agreement as always.

I was sitting in that bar on W Market St for a little bit the other night, surrounded by guys who have warrants out for their arrests (which is the norm in there, believe me). Anyway, one of the guys was going on about how he needed a place to crash to avoid the Sheriff's office picking him up, and another guy knew a guy who had a basement available for just such a contingency. And I'm sitting there listening to all this and even chatting with these guys a bit (they actually didn't seem like bad guys at all, just guys who get in trouble with the law), and I said to myself, "Yep. These are my people right here. Hanging out in this dive bar, talking to guys whose sole purpose is finding ways to avoid going to jail. Perfect."

I'm back in Greensboro here for awhile and was back at that park I've mentioned on this blog before (the one where all the anonymous gay sex goes on in the men's room) trying to get a little exercise (not gay sex exercise, sickos). Anyway, at one point around the about 2 and 1/2 mile loop, these 2 dudes emerge from a path that goes back in the woods, and I did a bit of a double take, as one of them was trying to clean up a spot on his shirt, a spot on the shoulder of his shirt to be precise. The thing that stood out about this spot on his shirt is that as he kind of gathered the substance onto his index and middle fingers, he moved his fingers over to his buddy's mouth. Then the buddy greedily licked the substance off the guy's fingers and seemed to relish the taste of this substance as he swallowed it down. The only thing I could figure to do at this juncture is yell over toward the one of them who did the swallowing. This is what I yelled, "George Michael?"

Took a bit of a step back on the gambling over the weekend. But we're still up several hundred for the season. I'll try and keep everyone posted.

Also, I saw something on the HBO called Reservation Road the other day, and my advice is to skip it. It was really slow. Really slow.

I won't get to get what I'm after, til the day I die.

Peace - TBFH

The Lonely Russian Jacoby

I got a comment recently on the post I wrote about trivia in San Antonio (at some joint called Charlie Clown's). What happened is that over the course of the 4 Tuesdays I went into the place, I got to know one of the teams in there and ended up playing on their team the other night (we won the game too). And I want to be sure to note that the folks on the team were very cool to let a strange dude from out of town hang out with them (although the fact that I know some trivia answers probably didn't hurt). So, thanks to Chris, Jesse, Chloe, and Shawn (and we were the only team to know what all the letters in UNICEF stand for the other night on the final question). Well, I gave them the address to this blog. And Shawn left a comment somewhat defending the Charlie Clown's as not that bad of a place, as he rightly pointed out that I came into the place 4 times of my own free will. And I gotta say, Shawn is exactly right. I don't know how many posts he's waded through on this blog so far, but it's important for readers of this blog, especially new ones, to remember that you can't take too much of what I say too seriously. The way I describe events that have happened (or kind of happened in some cases) is generally to entertain, so being factually accurate only serves my purpose to a certain degree. Also, the way events happened in my mind vs the way events happened in reality are often at great odds with each other - of course, that's merely a byproduct of my delusional narcissism.

Now onto more delusional narcissism.

I think we're long overdue for another pointless and exciting edition of If I Could Ask Barry. As always, remember that it would probably go something like this:

Barry - Damn, son. Where the hell you been? You haven't popped up in months.

TBFH - You don't wanna know sir. I've been on the run for part of the time, as the ACORN pipe hitters and Israeli Intelligence dudes have made my life a bit of a nightmare.

Barry - Yes! Serves you right for questioning me!

TBFH - I'm learning that sir. You may eventually wear me down and have me bow before you and call you messiah like all the other fake press people.

Barry- That's my goal brother. I'm gonna make you my bitch yet. HA! You got any questions for me today? You had to come out of hiding for some reason.

TBFH - As a matter of fact, I was curious about a couple of things. First, this whole thing with Iran and their nuclear program. I'm wondering if you have even one advisor who has been willing to step out and suggest that you actually deal with this in a real way. I mean, has anyone even mentioned to you the thought of bombing these Iranian nuclear facilities off the face of the Earth?

Barry - Well, you make a valid point on a couple fronts there. I'll concede that. One, my advisers are so insulated from the real world that they have a super naive view of how things really work. Two, most of them are so afraid of Rahm that they probably don't tell me what's really on their mind. And third, remember that my view of the world and our place in it is drastically outside the mainstream of about a century or so of accepted thought. I mean, I'm an appeaser. I know that, to be honest with you. I feel like we're due some comeuppance for our long history of oppressing other peoples. So, secretly I'd be fine with a little payback directed at us and our allies like Israel, because to be frank, I feel like it's been a long time coming.

TBFH - Wow! I can't believe your candor there sir.

Barry - It's something I've been longing to say. I'm glad I got it off my chest finally.

TBFH - The other thing I was curious about is this whole brouhaha over anyone criticizing you being a de facto racist. Do you really think that's accurate? I mean, if someone thinks your socialist medicine debacle is a bad idea, does that automatically make them a racist?

Barry - I think so, yes. I'm certain you're a racist for example. In fact, to be very candid, I think all white people are racists by definition, even if they don't know it or won't admit it to themselves. It's in you blue eyed devil's blood. And you're right about the whole socializing health care thing. I cant' believe more people don't see through what my ultimate goal is on this. It's mystifying that so many are so ignorant. But you seem to get it exactly. And the beauty of it is, my young friend, your opinion is null and void, totally dead on arrival, because I've set it up so that anyone who disagrees with me is labeled a racist and discredited. Genius, huh?

TBFH - That's one way of putting it sir.

Barry - You got anything else today?

TBFH - No, I guess not. I gotta run. There's a guy tailing me around the country who appears to have a raging boner at all times. It's a little off-putting.

Barry - Ha! That! That's my man Joe Biden. I had to give him some assignment to keep him out of my hair. And you're it boy. If he catches you, he's gonna turn you over to his daughter for intense sexual torture. I'll warn you of that kid. Good luck to you. You're gonna need it.

TBFH - Thanks for the heads up sir. I'm out dude.

I ran into the Jacobys last night and we were chatting about this and that for an hour or two at Get Bent Lounge. Anyway, both Luke and Mark were curious why I never blogged about the last Friday I was in town here. There was a Russian Jacoby out that night. And the reason I never blogged about it is because I really didn't think it was appropriate to mock the Russian Jacoby. I mean the guy sat there and lamented the fact he had no woman in his life for a long while. It got a little depressing. Also, he laughed like crazy at every silly thing I said. And I don't think he was exactly getting everything. The Russian Jacoby seemed like a super nice dude overall - he fits right in with the rest of them.

Fantasy Update - my team of criminals currently stands 0-3 on the season. The thing is, they've been pretty competitive each week. If we win a game, I'm gonna be stunned. No one in the league who took the draft seriously (and that is everyone else) should be allowed to ever play fantasy football again if they lose to my merry band of arrested players (and Matt Schaub - he's legit. I had to take one legit QB to make things interesting. Although, I could bench him for Vick at the drop of a hat. I probably will against Andy. But not Geilfuss - I'm gonna pull out all the stops that game).

I was flipping around the TV with the old clunker the other night and came across the Michael Clayton. And I'd seen it before and it's really good. Tilda Swinton is simply brilliant - I have no idea how she does it. And Clooney, he's good. He's a likable guy. If you haven't checked it out yet, it's worth your time.

Also, I read that Patrick Swayze passed away a few weeks ago. And his movies were mostly cheesy crap. But, he was in the Donnie Darko. And Donnie Darko is one of my favorites. I've bored countless people about what the movie really means (and maybe even convinced a few???). I won't bore readers with that now, but if you ever wanna see me get really worked up, ask me about Donnie Darko. If I'm in the mood, I'll go on forever. If I'm not in the mood, I'll just tell you it's mind-blowingly brilliant.

Here's another clue for you all

The walrus was Paul