College Football Picks 9/2 - 9/6

I may not get another post up until next week. So, even though it's only Tuesday, let's take a look at some of the college football games on the schedule this weekend.

Pitt (+3) at Utah - Thursday 8:30 on Versus - I like the Panthers here for one main reason - Dion Lewis. I don't see the Utes slowing him down what with their issues on D - lots of new starters. Also Pitt's defense should be pretty stout against the Ute offense. The home field for Utah has given us Pitt as a dog as well.

Colorado/Colorado St (+12 &1/2) game is in Denver Sat at 2 on Mountain - Purely a situational pick. Yes, the Rams were bad last year. But in this rivalry, they have consistently covered over the years when getting points. And here they're getting almost 2 TDs. I can't pass that opportunity up.

N Mexico at Oregon (-33 &1/2) Sat at 3:30 on locally in places I don't live- I like the Ducks to annihilate the Lobos. N Mexico was in total disarray last year. They're walking into a buzz saw. The Ducks have the most talent in the Pac - 10 (with all due respect to USC) and I don't see them laying off at any point in this game. Oregon might hang 60 on them. Lay it.

UConn (+3) at Michigan Sat at 3:30 on ABC/ESPN 2 - Until Rich Rodriguez gives betters any reason to have faith in Michigan's defense, not to mention their turnover prone QBs, I'm not buying Michigan as a favorite against one of the best prepared and toughest teams in college football. Randy Edsell will have the Huskies ready to run it right down the Wolverines' throat. Also keep in mind that Notre Dame is on tap next week for Michigan - it could be a look ahead situation. Although how a team coming off back-to-back losing seasons could look ahead of anyone is hard to fathom. Take the points.

UCLA at K State (-2) Sat at 3:30 on ABC/ESPN2 - There are the typical questions about the health of the Bruins' QBs that there always seems to be. But the main reason I like the Wildcats is they are at home seeking to avenge last year's loss at UCLA. Expect Bill Snyder to get it done, especially given the cheap price.

Utah St at Oklahoma (-34) Sat at 7 and who would want to watch this massacre? - The Sooners do not quit scoring against overmatched teams. Expect a 45 point rout.

Oregon St/TCU (-13 &1/2) in Dallas Sat at 7:45 on ESPN - Don't let the number scare you. That's what it's there to do. TCU is angry. They've had 8 months to stew over that loss to Boise. And I expect them to put on a show for poll voters. The Horned Frogs could gain 500 yards in this game. Even if the Beavers put up 20 points, I still see TCU covering. This is my top choice of the weekend. Lay it.

Tulsa at ECU (+8 and 1/2) Sunday at 2 on ESPN2 - I don't know why Tulsa is favored by this many points on the road in the first game of the season. It is Coach McNeill's first game and the Pirates did lose some guys from last year and you could argue that Tulsa has revenge on their side. But, even saying all that, I'm still taking a home dog in a conference game. Especially when that home dog is the 2-time defending conference champs.

Navy (-7)/Maryland in Baltimore Monday at 4 on ESPN - I have no faith that the Terps will slow down the Middie running game. And the Terps are breaking in new players in key positions. I do hate betting Navy as a favorite, and love them as a dog. But, if you're bored on Monday and wanna bet, you gotta take Navy here.

Boise/Va Tech (+2) in a stadium near DC Monday at 8 on ESPN -This goes against the pre-season hype. But I like the Gobblers to win this game. They have better players 1-50 than the Broncos. I'm a huge Kellen Moore fan, but the Tech D should be up to the challenge. And the Gobblers have a stout running game, better special teams, and most of the crowd behind them. Take the dog.

I am out.

Glenn Beck Throws A Revival

I spent part of Saturday watching the big, quasi-religious, and way too long (over 3 hours worth) Glenn Beck rally on C-SPAN. Now, as everyone knows, I have a difficult time masking my disdain for Beck. My biggest problem is that I tend to agree with him politically, and I find him to be such a clown that my agreeing with him makes me nervous. Of course the best way to look at it is that Beck tends to agree with me - and I can't do a thing about that. It's not my fault. My general impression of what I saw at the big rally is that it was too religious. Adults don't need other adults telling us that we need to turn to some mystical or mythical being to make ourselves and our country "better." It's pretty insulting. Having said that, there was something happening at the rally that goes way beyond the religious overtones. And yes, that something is political. Don't let anyone tell you differently. The fact that at least 100,000 (maybe significantly more) folks would waste a perfectly nice almost last Saturday of summer getting to and from DC to listen to Glenn Beck give a speech tells me that folks are even more upset and pissed with Barack Hussein Obama and his merry band of worshippers in the Democrat Party than I imagined (and I've noted on this stupid blog that folks have been pissed at all of them for at least the past year). Barry seems completely incapable of grasping this fact. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he shouldn't care. But the only reason Barry shouldn't care is if he has no intent to run for a 2nd term as our messiah (I'm not getting my hopes up, but it is a real possibility). As far as the speech that Beck gave the other day - it seemed more like something I heard as a kid when I was dragged to something called a revival meeting. Not quite the "you're going to hell" fire-and-brimstone those charlatans used to spew to generally poor and uneducated evangelicals in my pitiful youth. But similar to that. Strikingly similar to that. Me? I was bored by the charlatans back in the day and bored by Beck Saturday. And as I mentioned above, slightly insulted. In fact, I kept getting up from the couch to clean - that's right, I vacuumed and scrubbed the bathroom at one point. That's how little Beck was holding my attention. My favorite part of the day was when Beck bestowed a medal upon Fat Albert. I didn't quite catch what Fat Albert did to deserve this medal. Maybe for not getting caught using steroids or HGH??? The Cards did win the World Series a few years back, but they gave out rings to the winners already, so Fat Albert's been awarded something for that. Tony LaRussa introduced Fat Albert and I kept waiting for Beck to give LaRussa a medal for his drunk driving exploits. That and his friendship with that petty tyrant and disgraceful alumnus of TOSU, one Bobby Knight (granted, many folks would argue that I'm a far more disgraceful alumnus than Knight...). Again, the key thing to take away from all that happened up in DC is this - Barry and his crew have touched a nerve with a large portion of the electorate, and I got a feeling that the message will come in loud and clear to Barry in about 2 months. Just wait. As for Beck, he's to be admired or ridiculed or something for being able to get that many folks to come out for a phony revival-type show. But remember, the guy is still a joke. That won't change.

Speaking of Barack Hussein Obama, I mentioned his fixation on lobster and other seafood in my last post. And I'll be damned, but I was prescient yet again. Barry got up to say some words in NOLA yesterday and the main thing he mentioned was enjoying a shrimp po'boy while in town. MORE SEAFOOD! I just hope those poor folks in NOLA didn't have to put with with too much of Barry's seafood induced stinky and very loud farting. God knows they've been through enough the last 5 years...

I was out at the Wing Joint on Battleground for a bit Friday. And there was an old timer who staggered into the bar at about 10. His name was John. And old John was oiled up. He was hammered. Deep, deep in the bag. And he was looking for a little companionship. Now, I couldn't provide the kind of companionship old John wanted, but a few of the ladies at the bar could (and I use the term lady as loosely as possible). To that end, I kept talking up old John's chances with some of the ladies. In fact, I got old John to run up about a $130 bar tab in hopes that one of the regulars might be amenable to possibly pleasing old John in a sensuous manner. Alas, they all shot him down. I felt bad about that. I was doing all I could for the old timer. And by all I could, I mean that I was hoisting back as many shots as fast as old John could buy them. That, and lying to him about the availability of some of the "ladies" he was most keen on doing. I told him that Pam was my big sister and getting married in 2 weeks. That Laurie hates men. And that KC has very tricky to-deal-with venereal diseases. As for the woman pictured with old John at the top of this post, I don't know her well (or her name for that matter), but, I can report that she left, relatively unscathed, with 2 of her friends.

Speaking of the Wing Joint on Battleground, I was in there again Saturday evening. And Saturday was way more of a normal guys kind of night out that goes down there most of the time. Omar, Q, Goose, Steve, & Derek were out. I won't bore everyone with the typical silliness that occurs on a, well, typical basis. What is to be noted is this, because everyone has seen something similar to this happen in the town Elaine Benes is from - I made Derek spit beer out. But instead of just spitting beer out of his mouth, a la Andy. Derek spit beer out of his mouth and NOSE. I know all of you must be wondering what the hell I could have said that made a grown-ass man spit beer out of his nose. Well, I'm gonna tell you. One of Goose's co-workers from Longhorn was out. And that reminded me of another co-worker of Goose's who came out to the bar about a month or 6 weeks ago. What I was doing was speculating on the co-worker who came out back about a month or so. I was speculating on her sexual habits. Here's the exact speculation about Goose's co-worker's sexual habits that caused Derek to spit his beer out through his nose, I said - "Do you think they mind her using her vibrator on all 7 folds of her massive belly during play time at the group home?"

I exchanged a few messages with Mrs Rummer via the Faceshit after the recent post about playing Conrad Birdie (some of you might recall that Mrs Rummer was the director of the production). The messages were private, so I'm not going to share them explicitly here. That wouldn't be cool. But I can tell you that Mrs Rummer agreed wholeheartedly with me. She agreed I could NOT sing. She noted that the songs required attitude and that was one thing I had plenty of. Which I'm afraid is probably true. And then Mrs Rummer (noticed how I've dropped the "old") said something way too nice in her last message via Faceshit. She said I was a great actor and a very bright young man. I just wanted to publicly say thanks. So, Thanks, Mrs Rummer.

At last, niggaz rappin 'bout blunts and broads

Tits and bras, menage-a-trois, sex in expensive cars

I am out - Peace. TBFH

Barry Likes Lobster

I mentioned in a recent post the cool and completely necessary vacation our super-duper saviour, one Barack Hussein Obama, has been taking at some terrible place in Massachusetts. Anyway, some startling news has been leaking out about Barry's immense desire to eat lobster. From what I've seen, the dude has been eating lobster basically morning, noon, and night. I think Barry even has more lobster before beddy time with his nifty, monstrous-looking wife -whose name I can never remember. All this lobster has got to be playing havoc with Barry's intestinal tract. In fact, I was talking to a noted medical scholar once (I know he was a noted medical scholar because he told me he often took boner medication to get hard enough to nail his hideous wife, and really, isn't that all the qualification a random pervert needs for me to label said pervert an expert in the medical field?) and the guy told me that too much lobster will make you super gassy. He said that lobster, and all that butter folks dip the lobster in, gives people waves of farts that are impossible to hold in. Also, the lobster farts are both stinky AND loud. A lethal combination. No wonder Mrs Barry took an extended trip over in Spain a few weeks back. She probably wanted to get away from all the lobster induced farting that must be plaguing poor Barry. As for me, I've never tried lobster. Or any seafood really. Anything hanging out in water is not something I wanna have pass through the old crapping chute. Everyone is always like, "Hey _____, come out with us and eat lobster or other kinds of seafood." And I always say, "No thanks. You're gonna start farting uncontrollably. And then I'm gonna start farting. And then we won't be having a pleasant smelling environment. It's really not worth the trouble. But I'll meet you for a beer or 2." I've had that exact conversation so many times over the years that it isn't even funny. Why just the other day, I had that conversation with a foreigner at the place I occasionally show up to work. I think the guy is from someplace across a body of water, either Cuba or China. Whichever. I get the 2 confused on a regular basis, what with the communism and the rank b.o. that both groups seem so down with...

Take the Niners again tonight.

----->

A Plea From Barry's Gang

Well, I opened the inbox on one of my fake email accounts earlier and I'll be damned, but I got another letter from the barackobama.com freaks. As always, the letter these liars sent me will be in black. My comments & or thoughts & or non-thoughts or whatever will be in blue.

Alex (that's the phony name I used when registering with these losers earlier this summer) -

This fall, there's a lot at stake (Joan Of Arc???).

For 2 years, the Republicans have said "no" over and over again (Duh? No is the only decent thing they could have done under the circumstances, as they've been significantly outnumbered in both houses of Congress.) to legislation that would help Americans (It depends on how you define help, doesn't it? I do like how they don't boast that the legislation DID help. That's pretty telling.)- no to extending unemployment benefits (My understanding of this is that they didn't know how it would be paid for - Democrats don't seem to worry about that too much here the last 3&1/2 years - not that the GOP was much better when they had power in the early part of the 00's.), no to creating jobs (Jobs were created??? When??? Maybe he means jobs were "saved." Yeah, that's it, try that.), no to the Recovery Act (Which has turned out to be a colossal failure, on par with the Edsel, New Coke, and Ben Roethlisberger's ability to stay away from hideous skanks in bathroom stalls.).

But that's not enough - if the Republicans take back Congress (And I have predicted they will.), they've pledged to repeal health insurance reform (I wish this were true, because if I thought there was any chance of them undoing this health care horror, I'd actually register and show up half-ripped to vote straight GOP. The problem is that a vote to repeal the health care deal will never happen in the Senate. I guarantee it. No way in hell. So don't start dreaming that the socialized health care deal will be undone.) and pursue policies that would end Social Security and Medicare as we know them (As many of you already know, I advocate completely doing away with both of these. The problem is that it will never happen. Society has become too dependant on each the last 50 plus years. The only way these social programs will stop is if our government collapses after a new Revolution breaks out. And that's not likely, is it?).

They're convening in Washington DC with Glenn Beck (Dave is getting excited...) and Sarah Palin (Will she be topless?) this weekend. Palin has said that the plan for keeping taxes low for the middle class (I love this line. Who thinks that their taxes are low now? Except for weirdo lefties, I don't meet folks who boast that their taxes are low. What gall.) so they can stimulate the economy (What? This is bizarre. If the taxes are low already, doesn't it stand to reason that the economy would have been stimulated enough by now to end this economic downturn?), while repealing fiscally irresponsible (Loaded word here. And incorrect, I might add.) tax cuts for the wealthiest 2%, is "idiotic (Sarah is dead on here. I don't know anything about this chick, but she's right.) ." And Beck said last week that some of those who are unemployed, "you'd be ashamed to call them Americans (I tend to mock Beck as a clown. He is a clown. But, I'm guessing this quote was selectively taken out of context to rile up the Democrat Party's passive comrades.)."

These are the folks the Republican Party draws its energy and ideas from (I don't think this is accurate. I have never met anyone serious who draws their ideas from Beck or Palin. Except Dave. Dave is inspired by Beck the same way I am inspired by Jenna Jameson). But we have a much better source - you (I laughed out loud when I read this. I'm a terrible source.).

That's why, this weekend, OFA (Not sure what these initials stand for. Overly Fat Ass? Obese Freaks Association??? Oldies Fuck Absurdly??? Ohioans Fuck Anally??? Obama Fucks America??? BINGO!!!) volunteers are going door to door (I will answer the door. I will be naked, hungover, and half-erect, which is exactly what I do when Jehovah's Witness freaks come knocking. Those Jehovah's Witness ladies, they're big fans of mine...) across the country to make sure your voice is heard (I don't want to be heard. I want to be left alone.).

There's an event in Greensboro this Saturday - and I hope you can help us (Not a chance in hell.).

The missive goes on a little longer, but I don't feel like mocking this group any more today.

Tonight, take the Patsies and the Cheese.

I am out.

Fantasy Forecast 2010

I got a text from Geilfuss yesterday asking if I was interested in joining his idiotic fantasy football league. For those of you who may not recall, last year I joined the league and only drafted players who have had run-ins with the law. I took Sebastian Janikowski with the #1 overall pick. It was funny. I laughed and laughed throughout the draft as the guys were dumbstruck by my picks. After each pick I would type into the comment bar deal what particular offense each player had been in trouble for. Blah, blah, blah. And since I don't think I can top that, and since fantasy football is for pitiful losers who don't have the balls to actually gamble on games, I don't think I'll be joining the Geilfuss fantasy experience this fall (come to think of it, I'm guessing the Geilfuss fantasy experience involves dumb skanks and lost shoes...). But, in light of last year's immensely popular post I put up called Fantasy Forecast, I am gonna do another one. Anyone who followed my fantasy tips last year may not have won a single game. However, in fantasy football winning is for losers. It's much more fun to laugh at the guys who are beating you every week. Here we go.

1) Donte Stallworth - No brainer. The one thing I'm most looking forward to during Sunday Ticket this fall is every time Stallworth is involved in a play, I'm gonna yell, "He killed a Mexican." Why, you may ask? Well, the reason I'm gonna yell "He killed a Mexican" is because he killed a Mexican.

2) Albert Haynseworth - Definitely worth a high pick. Haynesworth stole tens of millions of dollars from Little Danny Snyder. And anyone that clever deserves a serious look in your draft. Particularly look to pick up Haynesworth in leagues that give bonus points for the inability to do a series of fitness tests. You'll be golden.

3) Pacman Jones - He's back with Cincinnati and I expect him to contribute in a big way there. And by contribute in a big way, I mean contribute to the greater Cincinnati economy at the local low-rent strip joints that seem to be on every corner just over the river in Covington.

4) Tim Tebow - Huge opportunity to get a big edge in leagues where the scoring is centered around getting injured, being holier-than-thou, and performing circumcisions on unsuspecting 3rd world kids. Tebow will be awesome to watch (when he's not hurt...) because he's likely to get hurt on virtually every play. That and it will be interesting to scan the stands during Bronco games to watch the homely girls crying from simply being in the presence of their messiah.

5) Matt Leinart - Definite high selection in leagues where hitting a beer bong with mediocre looking coeds is valued.

6) Eric Mangini - Nice upside here in leagues that reward points for coaches that most resemble a creepy, potential pedophile uncle-type. Also, Mangini is always good for driving fantasy owners crazy by constantly shuffling his running backs.

7) Big Ben - He's gotta be the hottest player in fantasy this fall. After forcing himself on some nasty skank in a Georgia bar's restroom earlier this year, Roethlsiberger really elevated his fantasy value (that and the likelihood he's got the clap). Also, it should not be overlooked that Ben is a super weapon in leagues where reading insencere robotic apologies gets big points. Ben's awesome at that - "I...am...regretful...if...anyone I, um, forced...to...uh...give in to, uh, my...drunken..........um, bathroom...err, impulses...was...uh...offended...by, um...my...err, actions."

8) Roethlisberger's Body Guards - Those dudes have tremedous value if you're looking to pay guys to keep to you out of harms way in dive bars, who instead put you in harms way in dive bars.

9) Suzy Kolber - Often overlooked, but Suz is key for leagues where getting hit on by drunk, phony wig wearing, over-rated Jets QBs is valued. I'm looking forward to the Mexican Joe Montana, one Mark Sanchez, joining Joe Willie & Suz for a creepy sideline threesome some Monday evening. Joe Willie will bring the shots, don't worry about that.

10) Adrain Peterson - If your league only gives points for fumbling the football, then AP is a mortal lock to get you a title. In fact, they should just call off the season all together.

Okay, I'm bored of this. And the Wi-Fi where I'm blogging from keeps going in and out. Ridiculous.

Fresh news from the force

Geilfuss, Ross, & The Jacobys Storm The Windy City

Note: Above, from left - Ross (in at least his 3rd appearance on this blog), Mark (in his debut), and, looking slightly effeminate as always, Geilfuss (in at least his 3rd appearance). This photo was snapped by Luke this very weekend outside some Irish joint on Broadway St in Chicago.

I was looking in, ever so briefly, on a few of the retarded and outdated Sunday morning news shows earlier. A couple of topics came up that merit at least slight comment. There seemed to be quite a bit of talk about building a mosque in lower Manhattan. The controversy puzzles me. As "insensitive" as some folks claim building this place of weird Islamic worship would be, the fact remains that the 1st Amendment is still in effect (although I'll grant you that it appears on life support these days with Barry and his crew in charge). And that being the case, you have to let these Islamic people build their mosque - case closed. What a waste of time it is listening to talking heads arguing about such a non-issue.

Speaking of Islam, there was much hand-wringing this morning about a poll that shows that 18% of Americans believe that our failing saviour, one Barack Hussein Obama, is a follower of Islam. And I have no idea what the man's religion really is. Quite honestly, I don't care. Barry was a long-time member of that African wizard looking guy's church in Chicago, but hung the wizard out to dry when being associated with said wizard was no longer politically desirable - some friend Barry is. Anyway, as far as why about 1 in 5 folks think Barry is a Muslim, it could be because the NY Times once said he was a Muslim. And everyone knows that the NY Times never makes any errors. They're way beyond reproach. Even if you don't take the NY Times at their word, you could also argue that Barry is technically a Muslim because, as I've said before on this barely readable blog, in the eyes of Islam, if your daddy is a Muslim, then guess what, you are as well. This whole issue is also silly. Isn't it a little more significant that Barry has been an unmitigated disaster thus far (something, once again, that readers of this blog knew was going to happen since before Barry ascended to his holy throne of power back in Jan of 2009)?

Speaking of polls, it appears that Barry's approval rating is still low and not rebounding. And I wouldn't read anything into that beyond the fact that folks overwhelmingly don't like what is going on right now. I certainly wouldn't extrapolate these low numbers to claim that folks are excited about what John Boner and Mitch McConnell have in mind if they assume control of Congress next January. I've mentioned before on this blog, and faithful readers have noticed this, that I've been attacking Barry about 25% - 33% as often as I did last year. For one, I don't find it as much fun. For 2, I'm never comfortable agreeing with the majority. And for 3, and most importantly, I never wanted this blog to become some kind of rallying point for right wing nuts. It's the main reason I have never made any attempt to publicize this blog on other parts of the web. That and I'm not a whore. I know I talked with Andy about this a number of times back in the first several months after starting this blog. I have no desire to be even a remote poster child for what passes as Republican political thought. One other interesting note about Barry's pitiful approval with voters is this - in key swing districts around the country Barry is polling as less popular (maybe "more unpopular" would be a better phrase) than my man W. I saw something on the Faceshit recently about t-shirts with W's face and the phrase - Miss Me Yet? on there. I wouldn't wear a shirt like this, but I'd encourage others to. Compared to Barry, my man W looks like a great statesman and world class political ace.

Speaking of Barack Hussein Obama, it appears that he's taking some heat for being on vacation again. And as I said last summer when this came up, Barry should be criticized for not taking ENOUGH vacation. Let him take the next 29 months off. It would be fine by me. I'm just a little worried that he'd be re-elected anyway. Or almost as bad, some tool like Mitt Romney or that strange preacher type guy who used to be governor of Arkansas would get in. As I mentioned last month, if the GOP wants to become relevant next time in presidential politics, they need to find someone new and good. Good is important. But so is new.

Speaking of Mitt Romney, if he ever got elected president, do you think he'd wear the sacred undergarments at the swearing in ceremony? Or maybe he'd wear ONLY the sacred undergarments at the swearing in ceremony. The sight of that would probably enrage Joe Biden's medically induced massive boner into such a frenzy that it would fly right off.

I mentioned yesterday that Ross, Geilfuss, and the Jacobys were living it up in Chicago over this weekend. Below are the texts I've gotten from Geilfuss and Luke concerning the trip. Ross may have been too drunk or too pissed at me for not going to text. Or both. My interaction with Geilfuss and Luke via text will be in blue. The actual texts from Geilfuss and Luke are in black. And yes, I did fix Geilfuss's horrible texting to make his thoughts vaguely coherent. As for Luke's texts, they are unfixed. The kid did graduate from Johns Hopkins back in 2002...

Thursday 12:25 PM from Geilfuss- Passing through something called Beaver Valley on our way to Chicago.

I think I ignored this juvenile text. That or I might have said something like - Cool.

Thursday night 12:25 AM from Geilfuss- Cougar hunting at an Irish bar in Chicago with Ross and the Jacobys.

Not a whole lot surprising here. I've mentioned before on this blog about cougar hunting with the Jacobys at the cougar bar up York Rd. Although to be fair, the cougars the fellas were after in those circumstances weren't much older than yours truly. I am getting old. I then inquired what part of Chicago they were hanging in, as I've spent a few weekends there myself over the years.

Thursday night 12:52 AM from Geilfuss- Wrigleyville. Ross is yelling Fuck _____. He's a faggot for not coming - repeatedly.

Not shocking that Ross is yelling slurs about me in this situation. I would have loved to have gone, but couldn't get away.

Thursday night 1:46 AM from Geilfuss - We lost Ross on the subway.

Stunning.

Friday 10:20 AM from Geilfuss- He's on the floor asleep in a pillow case.

This was after I texted Geilfuss to be sure they'd found Ross. Or Ross had found them. Or something.

That evening I inquired if the fellas were hammered and if Ross was still alive.

Friday night 12:41 AM from Luke - hahahaa.....not quite hammered.....Ross is alive and well.....we lost him between 2:30 and 3:30 last night but it ended well.....you would enjoy this

I'm guessing I would have been enjoying this. I'm guessing I would have been feeling it. I'm guessing I would have been thriving.

Friday night 12:44 AM from Geilfuss - I'm getting hammered. Mark is hammered. Ross is alive and ordering shots.

This is quite a development, as Mark is not known for getting shit-faced. I've only seen the kid really drunk 2 or 3 times in the past.

Sat night at 12:44 AM from Geilfuss- We've stumbled into a dive bar.

This should shock no one. I like how Geilfuss has stolen one of my favorite verbs to describe, in a slightly esoteric way, the fact they are drunk again.

Sat night at 12:46 AM from Geilfuss - Done.

This was in response to my suggestion that shots were in order.

Sat night at 2:08 AM from Geilfuss - The Jacobys left and Ross and I are at the dive bar.

I've also seen this phenomenon before. The Jacobys are sensible people. Geilfuss & Ross are gonna lay it all out there and keep drinking until the bar won't serve them anymore. They very much take after me in this respect (and dare I say other ways too - which reminds of the time that a stupid skanky bartender asked if I was Geilfuss's father...).

Bad night with the exhibition football last night. The picks were solid as always - based on informed research and what has happened in the past under similar circumstances. Don't panic. I'm certainly not. Take the Niners tonight and move on.

Mayonnaise

Untitled Post For 8/21/10 - I Can't Come Up With One

Big Saturday in the irrelevant world of NFL exhibition silliness. And as I noted last week, I'm gonna try and do a much better job of getting my thoughts on the games up this year (my whole life revolves around this stuff from August to early February). If you saw Wednesday's post, I suggested that based on the situation a bet on the Bills was in order for Thursday's game in Toronto. And it went about like I thought. The Bills played as all out as you can in exhibition football. Even though they gave up 21 1st half points, the Bills still won 34-21 and easily covered the 3&1/2. That puts us at 6-2-1 for this pointless exhibition season thus far (and 75% winners will make everyone happy, and a few bucks as well). Getting to tonight's action. There is a game out in Denver that I like about as much as I can like an exhibition game. The Broncos are hosting the Lions and are just 3 point favorites as I write this. I love the Broncos to win going away for a number of reasons. 1st, even if Tebow does not play (and I wouldn't count on it, as the kid got his ribs hurt last week), Kyle Orton and even Brady Quinn will dice the Lions as I have a suspicion that Josh McDaniels wants to put on a show for the home crowd. 2nd, from everything I'm reading, Jim Schwartz is concentrating on special teams tonight. Expect a very vanilla scheme on both sides of the ball for Detroit. The other thing to consider is that Denver gave up 33 points last week to the Bengals and I expect for them to blitz and go overboard defensively to create some turnover opportunities. Lay the points with the hosts. And if by some unexpected twist Tebow gets in there, Denver might win by 3 touchdowns, as the kid's insane and will want to make an impression. I also like the Browns tonight against the Rams. Mangini will want to put a phony good impression out there to appease the home crowd. Expect Cleveland to cover the 3&1/2. A bet on the Bears is also in order. It looks like Jay Cutler is gonna get extensive snaps to work on the new schemes Mike Martz has installed. That and the Raiders won on the road last week - so I don't expect a great effort from them under these circumstances. Also, I would not be surprised to see Washington go all out to win again this week. Take them as well. It could be a shootout in the awful traffic hassle that is FedEx Field. I've looked at the other 7 games and am passing. One of the other games features the Steelers and Giants. And that game is notable for one thing - the line. Pittsburgh is a 6 point road favorite. That is unheard of in exhibition football. While it's true that Eli isn't gonna play for the G Men and that sicko Roethlisberger is gonna play at some point for Pittsburgh, I don't see how those facts warrant all this money pouring in on a road team. I'm not touching it.

Ross, Geilfuss, and the Jacobys are in Chicage this weekend on a road trip. They've been planning it for months. They went to Wrigley for the Cubs/Braves game yesterday I believe. Unfortunately, I couldn't make it. And I'm guessing work precluded Andy from going. Anyway, I've been getting some updates on the trip from Geilfuss. And it appears that Thursday night Ross was in such a state of complete inebriation (shocking!) that he manged to get seperated from the other 3 guys on the subway coming back from some bar in Wrigleyville. I was worried about the kid Friday morning so I texted Geilfuss to be sure Ross was okay. And Geilfuss informed me that Ross did make it back to the hotel and was sleeping soundly inside a pillow case. And I texted this back to Geilfuss when I got word - Sounds about right.

All right, one last gambling note. If I don't get a post up tomorrow (and I might not), take the 49ers against the Vikes. It's another case of Mike Singletary hating to lose and getting fake revenge for that devastating last play loss to Minnesota last season.

I was talking to a steadfast reader of this blog the other day. And he mentioned that he enjoyed the picture I put up of Andie McDowell. Then we started talking about a few of her films. Well, inevitably St Elmo's Fire came up. And it is cheesy and unrealistic and mostly an insult to Georgetown and everyone who came of age in the 80's, but, as I told the steadfast reader of this blog, I still like it. What can you do???

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Badly Playing Conrad Birdie

I got a comment after a recent post from Bad Girls Hunt. And in the comment she mentioned several rather forgettable things about one of the most regretful chapters of my rather regretful life. I mentioned in passing last week that I was in a musical at The Bush Of Death (I think I also mentioned this unfortunate fact in a post in May of 2009). Well, that musical was something called Bye, Bye, Birdie. Bad Girls Hunt titled her brief comment "Dear Conrad Birdie," and it is true, and yes regrettable, that I did play this character in a poor High School adaptation of the thing. And if you're wondering why it was regrettable, here's why in a nutshell - I can't sing worth a damn. For some reason I went to the auditions for this musical. At the end of the tryouts, old Mrs Rummer (who was the director) had me try and sing a few songs. And I'm certain I was pretty bad. My recollection is that I was pretty bad. Well, a day or 2 later, old Mrs Rummer put up the cast list and someone came up to me and told me that she had cast me as Conrad Birdie. I was mildly surprised, to put it mildly. But I wasn't panic stricken or anything. I didn't beg off. But I knew I couldn't sing. I knew that the part required 3 solos. And I knew that the heavy possibility for humiliation was practically imminent. Well, the practices started for this thing. And I gotta tell you, they are really boring for most actors. If anyone is unaware, in the musical Conrad has almost no lines. All the character does is stand around posing and occasionally bursting into tune. If I recall correctly, I had maybe 15 actual lines. Lines that, as Mrs Rummer would tell you, I never bothered to learn. Getting the lines right struck me as irrelevant. So, I was pretty bored during the practices. I'd stand up on stage in my scenes and whisper really inappropriate things to other actors, trying to get them to break character (I was very good at this by the way). So good in fact, that I got one kid to sing the wrong line on one of the nights of an actual performance. There's a character who is like Conrad Birdie's manager or something. In one scene this character is defending Birdie from press rumors about something (I barely remember the exacts of the plot now). This manager character extols how wholesome Conrad is and at one point sings "and his hobby is making fudge." Now, the kid who played this manager was a big tall phony Christan named Bosworth or Boswell or Bos-something. All during rehearsals when this Bosworth was singing the line "and his hobby is making fudge," I'd whisper the word packing where making was supposed to go. And that paid off because the kid slipped up and sang packing fudge during one of the performances. I started laughing so hard on stage behind him that I nearly broke character. Anyway, as I was saying, I didn't have much to practice as far as lines. But I did have to learn those pesky solos. And I ended up doing that working in private with the music teacher (whose name I couldn't tell you to save my life). What I can tell you is that I wasn't feeling so confident about the quality of my singing performance. Well, I give old Mrs Rummer all the credit in the world on this next point. She didn't make me sing any songs live in front of folks until dress rehearsals. Which was a genius move on her part. The reason is that no one else in the cast ever had any idea how shaky I was as a singer. And what happened, you may wonder, when I finally sang those solos in front of lots of folks? Let me describe it this way - I wasn't good. But no one told me that (which was very kind, I'm guessing Mrs Rummer went to everyone else behind my back and begged them not to totally destroy my confidence). So, opening night comes. And for the first song I had to come walking from the audience to the stage. And then I started singing. Something like You Gotta Be Sincere. And I was pleasantly surprised when no one in the audience laughed (although again, I have a feeling old Mrs Rummer contacted all the several hundred folks who attended each night and begged them not to laugh at me). To my sincere shock, people applauded. And then they applauded again later when I sang. And then the 3rd time. And then each time the 2nd night. And each time the 3rd and final night. To this day, I know, I am certain, that I was bad. And I wish I'd never agreed to do the part. But, I wanna say that old Mrs Rummer, and whoever she got to play piano while I sang, are saints. I remain blissfully ignorant of how they managed to make my pitiful performance palatable to people. I really do. As far as the other comments that Bad Girls Hunt made about this awful, poorly done high school performance that happened 23 years and 3 months ago - I have no recollection of what kind of guitar I lugged around in certain scenes. I do remember the gold jumpsuit though that I wore for one scene. And what I remember most about that gold Elvis-type jumpsuit, and this is key, is that it was a little too tight in the crotch.

Quick football note - take the Bills tomorrow. One good bet in NFL exhibitions is to bet on a team after they get blown out - phony pride and all that. And the Bills got smoked near DC last Friday. So, lay the points. The bonus in that game is that Jim Caldwell, who, as I mentioned last week, doesn't give a damn about these exhibitions, will be on the other sideline.

Also, Favre is back. And anyone who thought for a second the past 6 and 1/2 months that he wouldn't be is either very stupid or very gullible.

I am out - TBFH.

No Whistling Dixie At Whistling Straits

The NY Jets are a 3 point favorite in tonight's irrelevant tilt in the new Meadowlands stadium. And I'm not too surprised by that. They are the home team and thus the crowd will be heavily pro Jets (mainly because they are playing their hated "city" rivals and it's the 1st game of the new stadium). Having said that, I like the G Men. The Jets have been getting way more run in the NY press than the Giants lately (a very unusual occurrence) and I'm guessing that the Giants are gonna play with at least some passion to knock the Jets off. Take the dog and the 3 points. Overall it was a good start to the gambling season, as we went 4-2-1 on the weekend (if you bet $100 a game, you were up $180). The only bad pick was the damn Rams. They got run over by Sage Rosenfels in a home game that you'd think they would've wanted to win to give their fans false hope for an improved season. Unlucky on the Seahawks Saturday night, as they were laying 3&1/2 and won by only 2. The Titans really tried to help by going for 2 down 20-16 late in the 4th quarter, but they made the conversion. Saturday also saw the Dolphins gain a push against the Bucs. I could complain about that, but many gamblers got the Fins -3&1/2 and lost. Friday was perfect, as both the Washington game and the Jags game went about exactly as I predicted. While the Jags ended up losing by a point, they fought like hell (as I said they would) and covered the 3. And yesterday, Mike Singletary drubbed the Colts by 20 points, just as I thought he would. The man hates to lose any time. And may have even used the game as some measure of fake revenge for the loss the Niners suffered at the hands of Indy last year. There are more games on the docket for the coming weekend that I like already. I'll try and keep everyone posted.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the big PGA Championship over the weekend. First, The Tiger was putting really poorly most of the time. I'm not sure when he's gonna get it back together. But, I will say this, as bad as he played at times, The Tiger scored better than anyone else would have in the same situation. I got a text yesterday from Andy after the officials ruled that Dustin Johnson had to take the 2 stroke penalty and miss the playoff. And Andy noted it was a bullshit grounding ruling. And I can sympathize with the kid, but I'd call it a case of shitty luck. The ruling was right. There didn't seem to be any intent to break the rules of golf, but Johnson still did. What's funny is that when DJ walked over to his ball there on the 18th, I said, "I hope someone tells the kid that might be considered a sand trap." Nobody did. And that's a damn shame. As far as Martin Kaymer is concerned - he deserved to win (it may also be the biggest news for Germany since the Reichstag fire in 1933). No one should begrudge the kid. Bubba Watson remembered he was Bubba Watson on the 3rd playoff hole and made a terrible decision on where to take that drop from the creek. He should look into getting a new caddy. That will probably be Bubba's only real chance at a major. He just doesn't play consistently well enough to be a continuing factor at majors. At least I don't think so. Maybe I'm wrong. He seems like a hell of a good guy. All the fellas on tour better get their majors now, because barring injury or insanity, Rory Mcilroy is going to take over as the world's best player soon. In fact, the official rankings aside, you could argue the kid is already. He has no weak spot in his game. He's 21 years old. He shot a 62 on Sunday to win at Quail Hollow back in May. Damn.

I was in the Food Slug here the other day and this old bag checking me out at the "express lane (an oxymoron if one ever existed)" starts wanting to make chit-chat about some tune on their in-store music deal. The song was some crappy soft rock from the 70's (maybe Orleans???). And this multi-haired skunk-like checkout broad says to me "It's always nice to hear the songs from your youth. It makes you feel good." I replied, "Wouldn't a song from your youth come from the early 50's?" And she said, "Well...you know what I mean. I just like that I can understand the words." I said, "Why would you want to understand these words? They're mindless drivel." The checkout hag still wouldn't take the bait and get offended. Instead she tried one more time with this - "Well, it's still better than that awful rap. I can't stand that." I shot back, "No, this is way worse than most rap. And did you know by the way, B-I-G P-O-P-P-A, No info, for the, DEA..." The old lady said, "What, young man?" I walked away and on my to the doors looked back and said, "Christopher Fucking Wallace."

I was watching something called Say Yes To The Dress: Atlanta the other night on TLC. And I gotta admit I found it fascinating. I had no idea women took getting a wedding a dress that seriously. Not to mention the bride-to-be's mothers, grandmas, sisters, aunts, etc. Those women are all crazy. I have never figured out why you would ever get married in the 1st place. But this aspect of the whole thing makes the institution of marriage even stranger, more bizarre, and pitiful. There was one chick on the show from La. that had tried on well over 100 wedding gowns. Seriously. The other thing that struck me is that these not so shapely and no so flattering gowns can go for 7 grand or more. What a racket. I would get in the marriage business racket myself - except I hate the concept of marriage. That and I wouldn't wanna deal with these brides and their female relatives. Something about the whole process apparently makes everyone crazy.

For some reason they are showing that 4 Weddings & A Funeral right now on AMC. It's silly. But that chick from Sex Lies & Videotape, she's something.

Girls walk to us, wanna do us, screw us

I am out - TBFH.

Q Steps In To Serve

Last night, we picked up right where we left off from Feb 3 (NOLA & Under) with that team from Oakland. I wrote last August about the factors to consider when looking at betting opportunities in NFL Exhibitions. And I won't bore anyone with repeating those factors. The Raiders were in a good spot to win last night's game outright (Dallas had just played Sunday and had numerous injury issues, while Oakland wanted to make a "statement" and I figured they'd try like hell to win the pointless game). Tonight there are 2 more spots where I like a team to win by 7 or more. Take Washington, for one, Mike Shanahan had a sterling exhibition record with Denver, for 2, it's his 1st home game and he'll want to make an impression, and 3, Chan Gailey never cared a bit about exhibition games when he was coaching the Dallas Cowboys. Also, one of my favorite teams to bet on in preseason is Jacksonville. Jack Del Rio takes the games more seriously than almost any coach in the NFL. And Andy Reid plays most exhibitions as he should - get everyone off the field healthy and go get yourself a cheese steak. Tomorrow I like the Dolphins, Tony Sporano also takes exhibitions seriously. I'll also look into the Rams & Seahawks (Rams are in a good spot to actually try and win against the Vikes, & it's Pete Carroll's 1st home game in Seattle). Sunday, take the Niners against the Colts. The only thing I don't like about that game is the start time. But I do know Mike Singletary hates to lose & Jim Caldwell knows what Tony Dungy knows, these games are pointless.

I've been getting quite a bit of feedback about this stupid blog by a number of the folks who ply their drinking trade at the Wing Joint on Battleground on a somewhat regular basis. And some of it has been a bit over the top in praise. But I appreciate that you all are reading and seem generally amused. As I've said before, the only audience I write for is myself. Whatever pops out on a given day just does. I did get an interesting question about the setting for my blog. And, as many of you know, there are basically 2 settings where stuff happens (although not much ever really happens in my life, at least of importance). One setting is various bars around the country I stumble into from time to time. The other setting is my head. And that's a dangerous place. Believe me. You don't wanna have the thoughts wandering through your mind that constantly wander through mine. I wouldn't wish that on almost anyone.

Speaking of bars, I was out the other night with Dave (the Glenn Beck fan), and Q. And we were bouncing from bar to bar getting hammered. Nothing unusual there. But at one point we were in the Wing Joint on Battleground and a group of 4 sisters were sitting at a table for like 5 minutes without a server going up to them (which is not unusual at the Wing Joint, as I've said time and time again, those server girls in that joint are all one shot of Cuervo from getting knocked up & they generally do a shitty job). So, Q noticed these sisters waiting for a server to greet them and he goes over there himself and takes some menus and starts talking to them. Did I mention we were hammered? Because we were hammered. So, as part of Q's drunken flirtatious nature, he orders the 4 sisters a round of shots. No big deal. Well, a server finally comes over to the table and Q walks away after a bit. He comes over to the bar and we have another shot of Patron or whatever (I never know exactly what they're shoving at me to drink at any given moment.). And then the server who finally came over to the table of 4, after 7 or 8 minutes, hands Q a check for the round of drinks he ordered for the table of sisters. Dave and I started laughing uncontrollably. The poor girl. I'm not sure what her name is, nor does it matter. But her stupidity was breathtaking nonetheless.

Speaking of breathtaking stupidity, I was out another night with Dave, Chet, Goose, and 2 servers from some bar on New Garden. We were at Ass Traps, out on the patio. Anyway, Goose and the 2 server chicks go to play a pointless game of Cornhole (which I've mocked on this blog before). So, Chet and Dave decided to ask trivia questions of each other. What was funny about that was that they'd ask each other questions that they weren't sure of the answers to. Luckily I was there, because I can answer some trivia questions. At one point Chet asked Dave what year did the Allies invade Normandy? Now, they both took guesses at this not super difficult trivia question. And I gotta hand it to Dave (the Glenn Beck follower), he was closest to correct. When I said June 6, 1944 was the exact date, Dave was relieved he was closer to correct than Chet (I think a shot was on the line). Chet, fearing I was lying to help my buddy, checked the Internet from his phone for the exact date. And when the world wide web of deceit confirmed my answer, Chet said, "Oh, you were right. Asshole." I felt like I was sitting at Get Bent Lounge listening to J and George argue about some inane sports trivia question. I was having flashbacks. Not good flashbacks either. As for Goose and the server chicks, I never did inquire who won the Cornhole contest. Who cares?

Speaking of Dave, he was going on about the A-Team again the other night. He's got some bootleg DVD copy of it and he's watched it a number of times. I just kept saying, "I pity the fool."

Gotta run, the golf is coming on at 1.

A Letter From Barry's Gang

I don't think I've mentioned before on this asinine blog that about 6 weeks ago I went to a website called mybarackobama.com. While there I signed up with something called Organizing For America. It's some web-based effort to get money to Democrat Party causes, get folks together to bother others to vote Democrat, urge folks to call Senate or Congress folks, and overall worship our fearful failure of a leader, one Barack Hussein Obama. The reason I signed up is because I want to drop in on some of this crews' events around the Gate City leading up to this fall's irrelevant elections. Why, you may wonder, do I want to hang with old Barry's minions? Well, I think it would be amusing for one, & for two, it would give me some interesting blog fodder. I haven't been to any events as of yet. For a group that calls itself Organizing For America, they don't seem super organized. Nevertheless, I have gotten a number of emails from the group - everything from updates on the passage of some commie bill they've rammed through to an invite to sign a birthday card for old Barry. Silliness. But I got one today that I find particularly stupid. I am gonna reprint it for everyone below. As always, any comments I have to this letter will appear in blue. The letter itself will be in standard black.

Friend (I had no idea we were friends, I half expect the more standard lefty greeting of Comrade when I open emails from this gang) -

Right now, my job - along with those of my colleagues - could be in jeopardy (isn't that pretty much the case with every job right now?).

I'm a public school teacher in Philadelphia (the town that threw snowballs at Santa Claus). And, like most states across the country, Pennsylvania is facing some bad budget shortfalls (it should say - Pennsylvania, like most states across the country, has spent taxpayer money like a drunken skank at a sex shop sale).

Without federal help, a lot of teachers like me - as well as other public servants like police officers and firefighters - will lose their jobs (that is a damned lie. If Philly found ways to curb their spending in other areas, no teacher would lose their job. Although teachers losing jobs might not be a bad thing. I've mentioned before on this blog about the utter incompetence and careerism that permeates government work. Also, I enjoy how the message tries to scare folks into thinking that police might be laid off as well. That's a nice touch, playing on people's fears of being robbed so that overpaid teachers can keep cashing paychecks at federal taxpayers expense.). Maybe you know some of these people (I do know plenty of them. They are, as I said, mostly overpaid idiots. I've worked with many folks in education. Go back and read my post about state workers from back in January or February of this year.). Maybe it's you (maybe it's not!).

Democrats in Congress are trying to do the right thing ("right" is a relatively subjective term, don't you think? Right for who?), proposing emergency assistance for states to preserve more than 100,000 jobs like mine (that is absurd. How is it an emergency now, when it wasn't one a few weeks ago when the Congress recessed?). They're racing (this term pumps up the phony urgency of the situation) back to the Capitol for an emergency (there's "emergency" again) session this week to pass this bill and save these jobs (finally they get down to it! I've been mocking this whole notion of "saved" jobs for the past 18 months. It's semantic trickery. You can't prove a "saved" job. But, when this bill passes, the Democrat party can run around talking about how they saved 100,000 jobs - coincidentally, of course, a mere 2 &1/2 months before the elections.).

But Republicans are standing in the way (those evil no-good scoundrels!). Minority Leader John Boehner (I call the dude John Boner myself, and have mocked him on this blog) is calling the bill a "payoff (Boner is dead on by the way, for once)" to "special interests (teacher groups are indeed a special interest. Their lobby plows tons of dough into Democrat coffers.)" and attacking every Democrat who is fighting for us (notice again the leftist overtones here).

But I'm not a special interest. I'm a teacher. (I don't know what kind of teacher this broad is, but I do know that she is a special interest. Liar.)

The letter goes on a little longer, but basically repeats the same plea. There's no reason to print it here. At the end of this missive it is signed thus - Thank you, Wendy C, Teacher, Ambler, PA. I'm sure Wendy is one hot teacher. I'd like to meet her, buy her a beer. And then mock her for being used by Barack Hussein Obama & the Democrat party. Well done Wendy. You idiot.

I've been keeping up with the new season of Mad Men thus far. It's still good. Not enough January Jones though. Not by a sight.

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Rapping At The Bush Of Death

Our beautiful queen from Chicago's south side, one Mrs. Barack Hussein Obama (I never can remember the woman's 1st name), has been catching major heat from mean factions of the press for going on a much needed vacation to help the poor 3rd world peoples of Spain. And I think this cruel criticism is unwarranted and petty. If anything we should be praising Mrs Barack Hussein Obama for her courage in going to a 5 star resort in Europe. As many regular Americans go through the drudgery of a forgettable week at a beach house or some cabin in some mountains this summer, Barry's old lady inspires all of us by jetting overseas and recklessly spending millions of taxpayer dollars to hobnob with Eurotrash bigwigs and their summer skanks. Quit criticizing the broad! Let Mrs Barry have her fun. She did manage to get away from her cuckolded hubby for a week. And I'm not sure you can really put a price on that.

Speaking of summer skanks, they are out and about here in the Gate City most nights. It seems like the trend this summer is for these summer skanks to head out for an evening of drunken carousing sans panties. I wasn't sure why that is. So I asked one last week at the Wing Joint on Battleground. This 20-something skank had an interesting answer when I queried her about the no panties policy that she and so many of her disease spreading friends are employing during this summer of scorching heat. Her answer was, "I wanna be able to show guys my labia piercing without any trouble." I said, "Oh, that clears things up. Thanks. But won't they also be able to see all your genital warts at the same time?"

I got another interesting comment last week about the Bush Of Death. This anonymous commenter mentioned Ron Devoe and this "rap" he used to do. I failed to mention in that post last week that Ron was a huge fan of Run DMC and Beastie Boys. I did mention he was hyper. Well, as a result of the convergence of his hyper nature and his love of rap, Ron often burst into raps in the hallway, lunch room. etc. The one that the commenter mentioned went something like this -

I go to Haiti

They call me sire

What, you don't believe me?

You calling me a liar?

The other one that I remember went something like this -

I was born

Son of Bob

Brother of Rob

Renee's my sister

She's a fat slob

They were both vaguely amusing. That is until you'd heard the kid recite them about 2,000 times over the course of a few months. As far as their accuracy, the 2nd rap was stone cold accurate. I was in a musical (go ahead and laugh...) with Renee Devoe. She was on the chunky side. And I went to Ron's house on a number of occasions & do recall Renee's room being a train wreck. The 1st rap was Ron's go-to whenever he felt the urge to say something and couldn't think of anything else. Alas, this happened often. The best part was when he said the final word - liar. He'd draw it out over a number of seconds for dramatic effect. As for its voracity, Ron's folks were missionaries in Haiti. And maybe someone called him sire when he was there as a young kid. I have no idea. I highly doubted it back in the 80's. And I highly doubt it now. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the rap that I came up with about Ron in retort to Ron's raps about himself. It went exactly like this -

It's Devoe

Not devour

You won't catch Ron

Taking a shower

I think I mentioned in the post last week that the kid smelled like tomato soup.

Which reminds me, another stupid rap I came up with concerned another hyper classmate of mine at Bush Of Death, one Eric Dill. Now, Eric was a sweet kid at heart. He was innocent and meant well, but he was just super hyper. The phrase that he said over and over and over, sometimes hundreds of times in a day was - I kill you! That was the best the kid could come up with. Well, Eric had a younger sister named Joyce. Of course I never called her Joyce, I called her Jill. Jill Dill. My humor was as juvenile then as it is now, obviously. Here's the exact rap I came up with for Eric -

First name Eric

Last name Dill

Don't use rubbers

Cause Joyce is on the pill

See, juvenile. Right???

As far as the infamous rap that Todd Myers and I performed in Bible class about one of Paul's mission trips, if you wanna read about that, go back to a post from May 2009 called Dave Still Plays With Dick On A Weekly Basis. It's the post that old Mrs Rummer took umbrage over. And I'm guessing old Mrs Rummer hasn't been looking in on this blog recently. Because if she had been, she'd be taking super umbrage. Extreme umbrage.

I caught Casablanca again the other night. Then Notorious. And Claude Rains, he is good. He's really good.

It's time to stop. - TBFH

Several Things Swede

There is a Swedish guy playing poker online today whose screen name or handle or whatever the hell they call it is Poke Her Tour. Most of the attempts at clever names on The Full Tilt are really stupid. Right now there is a MonkeyDLuffy for example. And a Stew Dilly. There's also an Astrocat, which I actually kind of like. Back to Poke Her Tour, the Swedish kid. If the kid really runs all over Sweden poking, or nailing, or doing, or whatever verb they might use over in Sweden that indicates the act of hitting it, then more power to him. I remember those beer ads that featured something called the Swedish Bikini Team, and while I can't swear all those chicks were really Swedish, I can't swear they weren't Swedish either, can I? I also know there was a Swedish Chef on The Muppet Show. He seemed deeply disturbed to me. I often wondered what demons were haunting this Swedish Chef. Perhaps thoughts of a lost love? Maybe some homosexual encounter from his youth with Jake Gyllenhaal? Or it could have been a longing, a longing for something more out of life than merely Swedish meatballs and a quick jack off into diners' mystery stew. It's something to think about, that's for sure.

Speaking of Sweden, another thing that comes to mind is Jesper Parnevik's nanny. She's been laying low lately. She's only gonna have about 750 million dollars to play with once this divorce is finalized (it might already be finalized for all I know). What Jesper Parnevik's nanny should do with this windfall is take about half a billion of it and bet one 2 teamer on the 1st week of Sunday Ticket. When that hits, she's got a cool $1,250,000,000. And if she bets with a legit bookmaker, she'll have a cool $1,300,000,000 to throw around. At that point, she should have enough to live comfortably for at least a few months. It's something for Jesper Parnevik's nanny to consider. My only advice to her is do not bet Phil Mickelson's "locks." That would be a mistake. Mickelson's "locks" or J's "locks," either way.

Speaking of J, I got a text from Geilfuss last night at 1:49. He mentioned that he & Tyson were at Get Bent Lounge throwing back shots, George and J were in the back snorting the same stuff they always tend to snort, & Fat Adam was hitting on Caroline. None of which should surprise anyone. The truth is that Geilfuss could have sent me the same text about half the nights the last several years. The only slight difference would be that Pat isn't there any longer. As for Caroline, she is one of the dreamiest of The Dream Team. And by dreamiest I mean the most disease riddled skank you'll ever come across (or cum on, or in, come to think of it) outside of Dundalk or Hollandtown.

Speaking of last night, I found myself in the confines of some joint on New Garden with Dave (the Glenn Beck addict) & my man Q (Mason Lee to the ladies). We were hoisting back a few shots of our own (much like Geilfuss & Tys were). Anyway, at one point talk turned to Chris Rock movies. Dave had seen something called Death At A Funeral recently. And then admitted to seeing Grown Ups and claiming to like it as he "laughed his ass off." I mocked Dave relentlessly for that (& he knew I would before he said it). I asked Dave & Q, Grown Ups aside, what was the last good movie Chris Rock has been in? Because after Dogma and Nurse Betty, it's been a bad stretch for Rock. A 10 year stretch. Dave was pretty dismissive of my argument, calling me a movie snob. And then I said, "Dave, have you seen Pootie Tang?" That ended the discussion pretty quickly. We had more shots and talked about how hideous the bartender was, or at least I talked about how hideous the bartender was. Dave & Q are both way nicer guys than I am. I have no idea why they like to hang out with me. Other than being one of the most entertaining people you'll ever meet, I've got virtually nothing going for me. As for the bartender, she looked like someone who, if the Panthers needed to bring in an extra D-Lineman during training camp, would be on the top of their to call list. She was ugly too. Lots of chins though, I'll give her that. Maybe all the chins will come in useful sometime. Like in a chin contest. Maybe?

All right, I'm bored of this today.

I am out. - TBFH

Barry Does Whoopi

Well, the Faceshit has proved useful for maybe the 2nd time in its history. I mentioned last week about hearing from a Renee who went to "school" with me at The Bush Of Death around the time I did. You might also recall that in my 1st post about The Bush Of Death I mentioned having an unhealthy fixation on a girl named Rayna Russell. Anyway, Renee sent me some photos over the old Faceshit. And, as you can probably guess from the photo above, one of the photos Renee sent is of Rayna. Now all of you have seen photos of 2 girls I had unhealthy fixations on when I was a teenager (if you are a newer reader to this blog, and wish to see the other girl, go back to a post from May of last year called The Night With The Sweaty Waiter). Big thanks to Renee.

I also ran into someone yesterday and that person was incredulous to hear that I didn't know who Rascal Flatts were before googling Jay Demarcus. And that I had no clue that Jay was one of the members of this putrid, but popular group. My response to that is this: I will forget who Rascal Flatts are in a matter of days, but I will never forget what a cheeseball pathological liar Jay Demarcus used to be. It's my experience that cheeseballs stay cheeseballs. And patholgical liars stay pathological liars. So, there you go.

It looks like the earth is bracing for something called a solar tsunami later this evening. I have no clue what such a phenomena would entail. But, if we're really lucky it will reverse the perpetual medically induced boner sported by Joe Biden.

Speaking of Joe Biden, I saw where his master, one Barack Hussein Obama, appeared on some show with Whoopi Goldberg and other similarly ugly women. And these ladies asked old Barry about Snooki from Jersey Shore (I had no idea anyone cared about Jersey Shore any longer), and Barry claimed to have no knowledge of just who Snooki is. Then it came out that Barry did know who Snooki is and may have been too sheepish or embarrassed to admit it to Whoopi Goldberg and her band of daytime gabfest hags. And I'm gonna defend old Barry on this one. I'm sure he does know who Snooki is and probably has a tremendous urge to fuck her. The reason I say that is because if there's one thing I know about a wannabe brother like Barry, it's that they have thing for fat white chicks. And that being the case, you can see why Barry lied to Whoopi Goldberg's heinous crew of heifers about knowing anything at all about Snooki.

Awesome news out of a place called Gaithersburg, Md. Evidently a dude threw his cum at some broad as she was exiting a Giant grocery store. It just goes to show why you should stay away from grocery stores at all costs.

I'll get to more soon. By the way, these poker players online are tedious.

----->

The Bush Of Death Part 2

I got a comment after my last post where I made some pointed comments on my experience at The Bush Of Death. It was left by someone calling themselves Bad Girls Hunt (I like that name by the way) and this hunting bad girl was wondering about my interaction with a teacher at The Bush Of Death named Mr Zaffini. And I had totally forgotten about Mr Zaffini over the years, but I did have a Study Hall period where Mr Zaffini babysat the kids of zealous Christians and I gotta say that I really liked the guy. Most of those Study Hall periods I did little more than read the USA Today to kill time, but on occasion Mr Zaffini and I would engage the "class" in something approximating a political debate. And these debates were always lively. Mr Zaffini was, and I'm not kidding about this, to the right of yours truly on many issues. The issues where we disagreed involved the social side of the Right's agenda, obviously. I never did, nor do I now, understand the Right's insistence on getting involved and legislating what people do in their bedrooms or with their bodies. For a group of folks who are so insistent on being left alone on issues of taxes, guns, religion, etc. it always puzzled me why those same folks want to push their morality on others through the impetus of the federal and state government. Mr Zaffini and I debated legalizing drugs, abortion, and prostitution from time to time. My argument always came down to what it does to this day, namely that what consenting adults to to in their private lives is no business of mine and certainly no business of government. The "crimes" that folks commit when breaking laws covering these areas are largely victimless. Although I realize that religious folks don't see abortion as a victimless crime at all. And I respect that opinion. I just disagree with it. Largely because once we start legislating against things that one group of folks doesn't like based on moral grounds, what is to stop another group from legislating something you hold dear based on some other set of moral grounds? It's a slippery slope at best. Anyway, this is a debate that will never be settled. But I did find Mr Zaffini to be bright, well spoken, reasonable, and possessing of a sense of humor. All traits that were sorely lacking among other faculty at The Bush Of Death. So, in answer to the hunting bad girl; yes, I liked Mr Zaffini. I liked him a lot. Thanks for me reminding me of that.

There were a few folks I neglected to mention in my post last week about The Bush Of Death. And they were characters. No doubt about that. A few of them -

Steve Trent: This poor kid was an outcast. A not too bright kid who sat by himself most of the time during lunch. He looked a little like Booger from those Nerd movies (without the same charm as Booger, I might add). The thing about Steve Trent is that he claimed to be a direct descendant of the French royal family. He really did. And Steve got mocked for this endlessly. Mainly by yours truly. I would go by where he was eating lunch by himself and bow to him from time to time. Anyway, years later, I happened to be at the BW-3 North Campus one night (granted, I was there almost every night from 1993-1995) with Todd Myers and some other folks. And I'll be damned but there was Steve Trent in a booth with another guy and 2 ridiculously hideous chicks. So what we did was go up to Steve's booth and started bowing to him wildly in front of the entire bar. That amused me quite a bit. It still amuses me when I think of it today. I found Steve on a MySpace page where he claims to be a father of 3. Steve also has pictures of his wedding up on his MySpace page. He's a motorcycle officer. And his celebrity look alike is Leo Decaprio. I'm now officially sorry that I ever thought of Steve today.

Jay Demarcus - Jay was an interesting kid. A pathological liar. One of my favorite lies he told us was that over his summer vacation he had shot a movie with Harrison Ford in South America. That was a bold statement that Jay made. A few months later, when Mosquito Coast opened, Jay was not in the film. River Phoenix was in the film. And Jay did not favorably resemble River Phoenix. Not even close. Jay was a semi-competent singer/musician (although he sang very nasally). During the occasional chapel service Jay would sing this song called When God Ran To Me. It was all I could do to not fall over laughing when Jay would perform it. In fact, I came to enjoy his performance so much, that I'd beg the kid to perform it. YouTube the song. Jay's version is not on there as far as I could tell. But it's worth listening to. Hysterically funny. A few years after high school I caught up with Jay. He was going to some religious college in Tennessee and had formed a christian soft rock band called East II West. On the tape his band "released" was a version of Kyrie by Mister Mister. And I have no idea how to get a copy of this performance today. But I promise you that it is awesomely awful. I listened to it over and over for a week or two. I just googled Jay and he is now a member of something called Rascal Flatts. He's so famous that he was even on an episode of CSI recently. When you click on google images of Jay performing with this Rascal Flatts, you can tell right away that he still doesn't resemble River Phoenix. He resembles a cheeseball, same as always. From his Wikipedia page, it appears that Jay did manage to marry a former Miss Tennessee who evidently does some work for Country Music Television. And you gotta feel sorry for that poor chick. Good God.

Ron Devoe - One of my favorite kids at The Bush Of Death. Ron proved to be an endless supply of much needed laughter. The first thing about Ron is that he smelled like soup. Tomato soup. Every single day. Ron was a hyper kid. And not the brightest guy you'll ever come across. My favorite recollection of Ron's intellectual prowess was in old Mrs Rummer's English class. He'd just read some brief poem aloud, and when he got to the end Ron attempted to read the poet's name. He said very slowly and without conviction, "Author Anon." I said, "Do you mean Anonymous?" My favorite thing about Ron is that even though he never finished high school, he was given a half scholarship to college. It was a school called Cincinnati Bible College. And I found it endlessly amusing that this institution of higher learning would give a half scholarship to a kid who didn't graduate high school. After Ron inevitably washed out from the CBC, he took a job as a cook here and there around Columbus. I remember that he was cooking at one of the fine low rent strip joints in town for awhile. While hanging out with Ron one night around 1992, he informed me that he regularly had strippers over to his apartment. Ron claimed to have regular 4somes. Ron would say, "A foursome, me and 4 strippers." I said, "Ron, wouldn't that technically be a 5some?" Alas, I just tried to google Ron and he doesn't come up anywhere except The Faceshit. His profile doesn't reveal much. He is bald though. That's something I guess.

Enough of this again. It's silly - much like life itself.