Khaki Pants

The Royal Soak on Monday night is full of the kind of loose people that will decide to fuck at the drop of a hat. Or the drop of shoe. Or the drop of a bra strap...At one point, I noticed this woman in one of the booths is wearing khaki pants. So, I started calling her Khaki Pants. This guy to my left - Danny (I liked the guy, he was pretty entertaining, although awful at trivia) -he was interested in Khaki Pants, and she wasn't totally undoable -a solid B (she slightly favored Penelope Cruz). I was speculating on her favored choice of trim presentation for quite a while and Danny found that pretty amusing. We were disagreeing about it though. Danny was going with completely raw and I was pretty certain Khaki Pants sported the landing strip. I offered to go over and ask her, just to settle the dispute with Danny. But I didn't need to, because Khaki Pants walked over to the bar and started talking to Danny herself. And inevitably Danny (he was quite gregarious) introduced Khaki Pants to me. And then I said "I've been admiring your khaki pants for about 45 minutes now." She laughed and said "Is that it - just my pants?" I said "Actually, no. Danny and I have spent about 15 minutes debating what the situation is with your trim presentation." And Danny was falling over laughing. And Khaki Pants said "Who wants to follow me into the ladies room and find out?" And then one of us did. If you're curious, it was discovered that I was right about the landing strip. I'm gonna have to get with Danny again while I'm in town. As far as the trivia went - awful - I forgot the name of the dude on Charlie's Angels, I put Bentley instead of Bosley. Embarrassing.

Later I was out at the Taco Crap and watching my man Mike Conley Jr. in the Grizzlies/Warriors game. And there is a guy for the Warriors named Anthony Randolph and I'm telling you this - he will be a superstar. He's going to be unbelievable. I don't think he's even 20 yet. Anyway, Memphis won the game. But I'm sitting there next to a chubby couple and the guy was drinking MGD 64 and I was tempted to ask "Is that really gonna make a difference?" But they looked like they were in love or something silly like that and I didn't want to ruin their night. By the way, I have tried exactly one MGD 64 and it will be the only one I ever try. It was putrid - it tasted like something from a stream near Chernobyl. Probably similar to the taste the chubby guy next to me at the bar experiences when he has the great misfortune of going down on his chubby girlfriend.

I did notice at the Royal Soak that women's basketball was on and it was on all the TVs in there and before old Danny showed up, I looked at some of the first half of this game between The Lady Terrapins of College Park and The Lady Cardinals of Louisville. And, damn they sucked. And these were 2 of the top teams in the country??? Turnovers, horrible shooting technique (they were generally heaving the ball toward the rim), missed free throws, balls clanging off the iron and falling harmlessly to the floor as they were just out of the grasp of these girls who can't jump very well - it was awful. And the dude who coached The Lady Cardinals - he looked like a sicko drill instructor. At least the lady coaching The Lady Terrapins was dressed professionally. I have no idea who won the game. And apparently no one else did - the stands were empty. Most of the camera angles showed nobody in the arena. And I have been to the arena where this "game" went down (in fact I saw the guy who wrote Get Back there once). And the concessionaires had to be pissed - I bet they took a bath on the whole affair. I do wish they would televise more girl's field hockey, because I've always been pretty fond of those skirts.

I did see where Barack Hussein Obama is going to Europe for a summit of some sort - I have no idea what the point of it is. But maybe old Barry can hook up with some Eurosluts over there - get a little "strange", as my friend Brad Myers used to say.

In Between Days.

The Girl Who Requests Condoms At The Dive Bar

Friday night back at that same dive bar - and I was there for like 4 hours. And it was nice, almost nobody spoke to me the entire time. I am an anti-social jerk. Maybe word got around to the regulars - one can only hope. However, just as I was about to leave (it was time for a change of venue), some skank sits down to my left and is falling all over the bar stool for a couple minutes. The bartender comes over and asks her what she wants and she says "Do you sell condoms in the ladies' bathroom?" And boy, I didn't expect to hear that. I don't know if they sell condoms in there or not, but it did give me hope that chope is really taking hold - at least in this one awful, cheap, disgusting dive bar - because none of the women in there need to be procreating.

I got a text from Geilfuss and he asked if I was interested in joining a fantasy league. So, I wrote back and asked - "Fantasy what? NASCAR?" I was way off. If I did join a fantasy NASCAR league, I would go with the 3 car in every race or a French guy named Bowyer. There is also a guy who resembles Jethro Bodine who races- I don't remember his name. Other than those 3 guys, I couldn't tell you anything about it. Watching guys drive around making left turns for hours is not very interesting. The old drunk guy at Charred Pork Bucket is a NASCAR fan and he told me a story one time about going to Daytona and hanging out with a couple dudes named Fireball Roberts and Lee Petty. I lost interest in the story after about 30 seconds. Damn the old drunk guy, he is long-winded most of the time. And I have a very short attention span. I get bored easily. And I often don't listen to a word people are saying, unless it is about me. I'm very into myself.

Well, my man Dennis Rodman got booted off the Celebrity Apprentice last night and it's just as well. The damn thing lasted 2 hours again. Rodman kept getting attacked by a homeless looking guy who is supposedly married to Sandy Bullock. This homeless looking guy kept going after Rodman for drinking on the job. And I kept thinking - He has to work with all these idiots. Who can blame him for drinking on the job? This is the last mention of the show you'll see on this blog - I'm never watching it again. Old Ivanka looked very demure though last night - she looked like she was down with the supine position. And that's not all bad.

I walked into the Henry Hudson Grille Saturday night about midway through the 1st half of the Nova/Pitt game. There was a brother sitting at the bar to my right and he says "I can tell by looking at you, that you got a big bet on this game." And he wasn't wrong about that. I think a lot of the bracket people were in there, because a vast majority of folks were pulling for Pitt. Me, I had Nova +2. And when Scottie Reynolds hit that leaner to win the game, I was outside smoking (thank god they had 4 big screen TVs out there on the patio) and went slightly crazy for a few seconds. Then one of the valets rushes over and he also had a bet on the Wildcats and we started celebrating like complete degenerate gamblers who know they just pulled one out of their asses. I enjoyed it immensely. Earlier, I had the over in the Mizzu/UConn game and it looked a little bleak. And I was getting agitated. And then Mizzu started to foul and then Mizzu made a few crazy shots and then the game went all the way to 157 and then I was relieved and financially healthier. Gambling - it's retarded.

I took this class one time and it was called Honors American History (and I have no idea what made it Honors or how someone as stupid as I am would be asked to be a part of anything labeled Honors). And the teacher was this guy named Bill Miller. And I liked the guy - he would always say - "A couple of three..." And that amused me when I paid attention to him, which, I admit, wasn't too often. But old Mr. Miller went on about the closing of the American Frontier at some length for days on end it seemed like. And he used to like to ask me questions, because I never read the assigned reading and I was always good for some silly BS answer he found amusing. So old Mr. Miller is going on about the closing of the American Frontier and he asks me toward the end of the lecture "_____ how do you think Turner (the guy who wrote the essay) would view the world today (if memory serves, Turner wrote the essay in 1899)?" And I thought for a few seconds and then replied "Well Mr. Miller, old Freddy Turner would probably enjoy viewing ALF, Growing Pains, and especially the Skinemax." Mr. Miller said "Asshole." But he was laughing when he said it. Good old Bill Miller. I spent a vast majority of Mr. Miller's class that year fixated on Amy Teske's thighs - it's no wonder I never paid any attention. I got an A minus somehow too - I have no idea. I guess I test well.

There was this guy I knew named Rommell Fadis and he wasn't in the Honors American History class I mentioned above, but I did play ball with him that same year. And I gotta say, he was the only brother on the team and he didn't start and barely played. And I felt a little bad for the kid. His father would come to the games and had to wonder - What the Fuck? I think Rommell was good at Chemistry, I recall him really getting into the lab work (He's probably a doctor or something now - I have no idea). But the poor kid couldn't ball.

I was reading an entry on the Faceshit last night and got exceedingly depressed. I won't get into it, but there was also a picture of Winona Ryder involved. And that's something at least.

It's like what Marcellus Wallace said "That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps."

TBFH

The Old Timer With The Gigantic Piece of Carrot Cake

Urgent Score Update from Boston, Mass - Villanova 77 Duke 54.

It was absolutely beautiful. Duke was thrashed up and down the court the entire 2nd half - eviscerated. No entrails for the coach who resembles Hitler. It was my favorite game since last year when they choked against WVA or the year before when they choked against VCU or the year before that when they got killed by LSU or 2005 when they were manhandled in the 2nd half against Mich State or 2004 when UConn got them or 2003 against Kansas or 2002 when they blew that huge lead against Indiana and the coach who resembles Hitler wouldn't call a timeout - just like his mentor - Bobby Knight.

After the game I flipped over to ESPN News and watched old Coach K's press conference- and he needed some Demerol. He really did - I don't know where Wojo was, but it seems to me that his only job is to be sure old Coach K keeps a steady supply of narcotics in his system. I don't think the coach who resembles Hitler knew where he was or what just happened. Maybe his "back" was bothering him again. Good riddance til next March.

Huge night last night. The bet of the night was the over in the Memphis/Missouri game and when I saw that number on Monday I was stunned. It was 141. I would have put it at 153 or so. And there ended up being close to 200 points when the game finally ended. Also, big winners with both Xavier+6& 1/2 and Nova+2& 1/2. I missed a parlay on Memphis and the over, but everyone should be way up going into tonight's hard hitting action.

Right before tip-off of the Memphis/Mizzu game a dude I'd been talking to some at the Taco Crap said "Who you like in this one?" (Note - he had just suffered through 2 hours of me pulling hard for the Muskateers) And so I said "Go with the Tigers." He didn't really laugh or anything and just kind of sat there looking perplexed - so about 30 seconds pass and he goes "Oh, right they are both nicknamed the Tigers." And I said "You really are quick on the uptake." He had a pretty good sense of humor about it. He was trying to pick up some woman with red curly hair and had no luck at all. I felt for the kid. She probably thought he was a moron.

Fran has left the ATL for a few days and that is good news and all, but it means I gotta be in 2 places at once here for awhile. And not even I can pull that off. Fran did tell me she could get me backstage passes for the Fleetwood Mac concert next Tuesday (her niece is their tour manager or something) at Philips Arena. We'll see on that. As long as they play that song about the witch, I'm good.

I saw where Barack Hussein Obama had some web based town hall. And lots of potheads were writing in to him and begging him to legalize dope. And I don't touch the stuff myself, but the war on drugs is pointless and the money spent prosecuting joint smokers is asinine. So, old Barry had a chance to really reach out to one of his core constituents (the weed lovers) and he shot them down. I think he said something like "Even though I was a big bong hitter back in the day, I can't legalize it, because I'd look like I'm doing something that actually made sense." Idiot. The guy is breathtakingly hypocritical. And I thought of poor Jimmy - he tokes right in public anyway. I've seen him in bars with his one-hitter several times and old Barry really let Jimmy and his fellow doobie lovers down.

The damn Faceshit is really something. I keep getting contacted by people I barely remember from way back in the day. And one girl sent me this note the other day where she went into great detail about some musical the two of us were in together back when I was a sophomore in High School. And she was reminiscing about this one scene where I dropped her when the police bust up some party (the musical was called something like Hi, Hi, Nerdy). And I did recall what she was talking about. I was playing some dude who is like this Elvis type guy and is about to be drafted into the Army or Navy or something. The whole thing was pretty stupid. I've been trying to forget it for 22 years now and then this girl contacts me on the Faceshit and reminds me of it again. Awful. And I sincerely hope that any VHS tapes of that performance have long since been lost, destroyed, or no longer play from the ravages of being viewed over the past 22 years. You Gotta Be Sincere- my ass.

Although, if you see the movie version of the Hi, Hi, Nerdy - it does feature Ann Margaret. So, that's something at least.

I did get a chance to get out and play some trivia on Wed at some place called Henry Hudson Grille. And this old timer is sitting to my right and we both happened to have a financial interest in Notre Dame covering -3&1/2 against UK in the hard hitting and completely meaningless NIT. So, we got to talking a little and then this trivia question comes up about some movie quote and I have no idea - and the old timer says "The movie with Julia Roberts where she shows her cleavage." And I knew what he meant immediately. I never saw the thing, but I knew. I hear things. I'm not as dumb as I look. Then later, this old timer was eating a gigantic piece of carrot cake and I'd never seen anything like it in my life. But god bless him, he finished it. I liked the bar quite a bit. They had 50 cent shot specials every 1/2 hour. We came in 2nd for the trivia game - and needed a tie-breaker to even accomplish that. The host asked the population of Algiers as the tie-breaker. And I was damn close. The other team put 10 million. Losers. I did have a slight issue with the host - he wouldn't read my team name - he said it would offend folks- and I said "That's the point." If you're curious, the name was - Michelle Obama's Soiled Panties.

A kiss breath turpentine

My crush with eyeliner

-TBFH

Loretta The Naughty Nurse

Not too much time here today, so I'm gonna be brief. I don't ever wear briefs of course - that's disgusting - men wearing briefs. Boxers are the only option unless you want to shrink your scrotum and why would anyone but a sexual fetishy deviant (like John Edwards maybe- the politician, not that fake psychic - hell, on 2nd thought, probably both of them) want to do such a thing?

This is my 50th post and thanks to everyone who reads this silliness on a regular basis. It seems like more and more folks are reading it all the time for some reason. I have no idea why. I'll keep it going though. It passes the time.

I stumbled into that dive bar I was at last Friday about 11:30 last night and proceeded to put about 10 bucks in the jukebox and annoy everyone in there with about 20 Liz Phair songs in a row. Most of those horrible people in there were too drunk to notice it - but one of the bartenders did and he was pretty cool with it actually. So, these 2 women are down the bar a ways and I'm splitting a couple of pitchers with some guy also in town on business - I tend to make friends quickly in bars all over the world for some reason. Anyway, these ladies looked like they had both just come from a glamour shots photo shoot - very garish and fake looking. And they start waving over toward me and this dude JD - and I'm like "Dude, I'm not nearly drunk enough to do anything but mock them if we walk over there." And JD said "I'd enjoy listening to you mock them." I said "Alright, whatever." So, we went over to these women and I missed their names. So I just kept calling one of them Loretta (I am a fan of Get Back). And I think this Loretta said she was a nurse. So I was asking her about enemas for quite a few minutes and if guys ever get erections when she gives them sponge baths- typical questions that anyone who know me knows I would ask. I kept asking her how often she walks in on a male patient beating off - hourly, daily, weekly, what? And after about 20 minutes of peppering her with questions, this Loretta woman decides that I must really be into her and puts her hand on my butt and starts rubbing it. And then she whispers in my ear - "I could be your naughty nurse if you'd like." And I excused myself after about 45 seconds of this butt rubbing and sexy come-on talk by saying "I think I feel the runs coming on - gotta go." And I walked away pretty fast - there was some oomph in my gait. I am gonna owe old JD for a pitcher when I see him again.

I'm out - Go Nova!!!

The Guy at Dumb Woody's Tavern Who Met Liz Phair

I was out playing trivia the other night and my co-worker Fran was there (I was trying to be a nice guy for once) and Fran is not very good at trivia. So, we're sitting there and a question comes up about some river in Alaska that was used to transport stuff back in the day. And I had a pretty good idea, but then Fran pipes up and says "The Alaskan?" We should have won the game. We were ahead going into the last question and we got it right - something about American Nobel Prize winners in Literature (and I have heard of a few authors over the years, I haven't actually read a book, but...). And this is where Andy is a necessity at trivia. He would have been sure we bet the right amount on this Literature question. He runs the numbers and takes care of all the stuff I hate about trivia - like interacting with the hosts of the various games. He's like a top flight catcher in the big leagues - like Johnny Bench; he makes sure everything goes smoothly. So, we came in 2nd and Fran wants to give me grief about it. And I have to work with this woman - so I was like - "Okay. My fault there Fran. If Andy were here we would have won. What can I do?" And I don't plan on inviting her to trivia again, but she may just show up at this Royal Soak place on Monday's and sit down and be of no help at all. Andy - Help!!!

I was out again last night, playing trivia again, and this time by myself. And this question comes up about female hormones produced in the ovaries. And for a VERY fleeting moment, I wished Fran were there. I missed it obviously. But, I won the game anyway - they asked way too many Bruce Willis questions (4 of them)- and that's too easy. And the last one was a question about the periodic table - and I know almost nothing about science (normally that is in Jeff's wheelhouse), but it was more of an alphabetical order question - what element comes last alphabetically - and I nailed that. I've seen ads that promote cubic zirconia. And I've known a few cheap bastards that buy that crap as gifts. I didn't spell zirconium correctly last night, but I didn't have to, did I?

I was sitting across from some chunky chick (she wasn't fat by any means, just a little chunky or as the brothers say - she was thick) and her man last night at a place called Dumb Woody's Tavern - where the trivia game was. And the guy she was with wasn't heavy at all. So, this chunky chick keeps looking across at me and making these odd faces toward me - I assume it was her pathetic attempt to smile and flirt a bit. So, this guy she was with starts to notice this and keeps grabbing at her and pulling her close to give her these kisses. The whole thing was nauseating. I never even spoke to either of them. I was also chatting with a dude who went to UVA and had lived in DC for a time before moving to the ATL and he was telling me that he got to meet Liz Phair at some club somewhere. And that totally ruined my night. Of course, if I ever met Liz Phair, I would be totally speechless - I'm sure I'd pass out from complete delirium. Liz Fucking Phair.

I was at this other bar at 8 last night and they have tons of TV's in there and some of them are on news channels instead of sports - which I will never understand (Don't people go to bars to get away from the news?). And I look up and see Barack Hussein Obama on the TV and I screamed - "Fuck. That damn brother from Hawaii again." I threw $15 on the bar and ran out of there. Old Barry looked a little flush though - like he'd just finished masturbating to pictures of Helen Thomas - topless. Maybe he was just nervous - I have no idea.

Also, in the McPaper yesterday old Barry was getting ripped again. This time by some chick sportswriter because he didn't fill out a bracket for the women's NCAA tournament. And my only thought was - they're still playing lady's basketball? I couldn't name one person that I've met in my entire life who watches women play basketball who is not a freak, outcast, loser, lesbian, someone with an axe grind, or parolee. It's unwatchable. It sucks. They have no skill. They can't ball. But, if you're down with it - wow - please rethink. I'm getting depressed even contemplating a reader of this blog actually watching the crap. It's way, way worse than watching Oprah. And my head explodes at the thought of watching Oprah - now, if she did a show topless, I still wouldn't tune in - but I would google image it - especially if Gail and Hayden Christensen were each pinching a nipple. Or Dr. Phil's bald head was oiled up and rammed in between her breasts. That would be obscene - but in a funny way. A family friendly way even. Hell, it's Oprah - she can do no wrong. I would still like to market a product called - Jar of Oprah Juice. That would sell like crazy - especially in women's prisons.

I was sitting at a bar on Sunday and the sound system was playing an 80's channel. And the REM comes on, and I say, to no one in particular, "Sitting Fucking Still." And this dude to my left says "What is that?" And I said "One of the best songs you'll ever hear. And then you'll die." And that's the truth.

Note- this is only my best guess of these lyrics. I have debated with people for over 20 years about what Stipe is really saying. I like these words a lot - so in my mind, this is what Stipe is saying.

Up to pine

Katie buys the kitchen set

But not Mary Ann

Sit in traffic

The big hill

Waste of time

Sitting Still

- TBFH

The Drunk Bucky Badger Guy

Last Friday I was at the Bananabee's sitting at the bar trying to watch the last half of the Dayton/WVU game (I had an interest in the Flyers covering +9 and they won outright) and there was only one seat available. So, I went ahead and sat down - against my better judgment. To my right was a retarded dude playing with some kind of MP3 thing and kind of singing to himself and to my left was a fat chick (Beck-worthy for sure) drinking a High Life. So, the bartender comes over and asks me what I need and I said "Narcotics." Then this fatty orders dessert and I have no idea how some kind of frozen cherry/chocolate concoction tastes with High Life, but she ate it fast - really fast. She got up to leave after another 15 minutes or so of finishing up her champagne of beers and said "Have a great night." And I said "Did I interrupt your plan for the evening when I sat down here?" She said "No. Why?" And I said "Well, I figured you might be trying to pick up the retard to my right. Who else would possibly fuck you? And if I ruined your plan for a night of continuous retard fucking and binge eating, I just want to apologize for it. I'm that kind of guy." She didn't seem too thankful for my well intended and, I think classy, apology. So, she said "Go fuck yourself." And as she headed to the door I yelled "You ever hang out at the Charred Pork Bucket with Dave and Dick?"




Later Friday I was at The Taco Crap and had some time to kill between tip times and was chatting up some girl who kept talking about Irish Car Bombs - she was in Atlanta from Utica, NY or somewhere. So, this girl wasn't so attractive or anything, but ok. And she kept saying "Let's do Irish Car Bombs." So, I kept saying "Sure. Line them up." Only she put off ordering them and like an hour or so goes by and I'm watching the hoops and screaming repeatedly "C'mon, More Head!!!"And I had lots of people laughing and several Louisville fans annoyed with me. Then I said to the girl who kept talking about Irish Car Bombs "Don't you think that More Head should make their mascot the swallow?" She spit her beer out all over the bar. And I felt a little bad for her - she wasn't ladylike at all. So, she said "Are you gonna buy me an Irish Car Bomb now?' And I said "You were waiting for me to buy them?" She said "Yeah, what did you think?" I said "Well, to be frank, it didn't cross my mind to buy you one." She said "I kept hinting at it." And I replied "I have zero interest in leaving here with you, so I'm not buying you a shot." She said "Why not, you keep saying all these funny things to me." And I said "Well, when you repeatedly said Irish Car Bombs - I found that redundant and stupid - just say Car Bombs for god's sake." Then I paid my tab and left. Stupid girls from Utica, NY.




Even later Friday, I was at some total dive to watch the last round of games - and god bless Cleveland State and Bob Morris by the way. And this place is great - everyone in there is dead drunk and angry at life. So ,this woman comes right up to me after I sit down and asks "Are you sitting on my coat?" And even I have no response to that. So, this big-chested bartender overhears this woman and says "You were looking for it earlier and discovered it was in your car." And boy was I fan of this bartender - she saved me there. And the woman looking for her coat was hammered and sat back down and some really weird country sounding guy wandered over to her and tried to pick her up - the idiot. I was having a blast only 2 minutes after coming through the door. Then some really drunk dude comes up and asks me if I'm there to pull for the Badgers. And I wasn't. So, I said "Who or what are the Badgers?" He seemed slightly perplexed at my query. And said "Wisconsin." I said "Who or what is Wisconsin?" He looked even more perplexed - almost baffled. I will fuck with guys when they are dead drunk like that- although it can get dangerous at times - just to warn you. So, this Badger fan guy says "You don't know what Wisconsin is?" "No, should I feel stupid because I don't?" "I'm not saying that you're stupid." And then I said "Well, you must be from Wisconsin then, because you won't even get offended when you get mocked at a bar by some asshole like me. You should have called me a fucking liar or dumbass or lying dumbass." He said "I'm fucking going back to my table." I said "Suit yourself there Bucky." And then the Badgers proceeded to come from way back and beat the Noles - but the guy was too drunk to enjoy it - he was shit-faced.









Saturday was a bit of a catastrophe - the Terps really let me down. Anyway, Purdue and Texas came through so the catastrophe was mitigated a bit at least. I was out again at The Taco Crap and some dude was there drinking some beer called Delirium Nocturnum I think. And he said it was good, so I ordered a couple and didn't find out til the bill came later that they were like $11 a bottle. Lesson learned there I guess. Dude should have warned me - I'd have been better off buying a Car Bomb for that chick from Utica, NY. Well, maybe not...


I did watch the Celebrity Apprentice and Rodman did survive again, but the thing lasted 2 hours and it was ridiculous. Melissa Rivers looks scary though - nasty scary. I will probably look in on it again next week, but for god's sake I hope they shorten it to an hour - too much Trump and his supposed offspring for my taste. Although Ivanka isn't too untappable - in a way - if you could gag her and keep her quiet. And I don't get freaky like that, so...Alas...



I did see where Barack Hussein Obama is starting to get ripped by many of his most ardent supporters - Paul Krugman and Frank Rich being two of them (not that I really know anything about either guy - I just hear things from time to time when sitting around in dive bars listening to horribly drunk morons debate the merits of Keynesian theory). And then I heard that his latest proposal is simply some retread idea that some of old W's lackeys came up with - and I would give old Barry credit for this, except I worry that it might have something to do with making things worse on purpose so he can enact more authoritarian measures on the country under the guise of "an emergency" or something. But I really hope I'm wrong in even having that thought. I hope he doesn't turn all Stalin on us. I really do. I hope he keeps doing what old W was doing in many cases - because even though I disagreed with lots and lots of it - at least I never worried that old W was gonna turn our country into a Soviet style state circa 1933 (that was some awesome alliteration there on my part, if I might say so my own damn self). Anyway, old Barry won the election and he can do whatever he wants for now. So I don't really have any argument with him doing whatever - just that I hope all this stuff is not a complete catastrophe - because it might be. But I sure hope not. I really care about the kids and this country's future and I 'd like to leave a better place for them. I really believe that (Did any of that sound remotely believable?...ok...I didn't think so). Fuck the future. And my motto is - every child left behind. I am a terrible person - an awful excuse for a human being.



Sunday was an awesome day. We were on fire with the hoops bets. On Fire! 5-o. And I was just in the mood so I sent out a bonus bet on USC and they didn't cover by 1 lousy point. But, still: 5-1 after that - and that will play. I know Andy hit a 4 teamer at 10-1 at one point. Gambling - it's stupid.



I saw the show on HBO with the guy who used to host Politically Incorrect and he had the guy who used to work with the En Fuego guy, steals from Edward R. Murrow, and has been fired countless times on there as a guest or something. And these two were really something - they started talking about Cornell for like 5 minutes and some radical stuff that went down there and I'm thinking - aren't you two about 10 years too young for the really radical stuff that went down? Then these guys started ripping on other members of the media. As I've noted before on this blog - that's what all the W haters have been reduced to now - player hating on the Roger Ailes Network basically. I don't know if the dudes are jealous of the Roger Ailes Network's success or what. But the whole "interview" that the guy who used to host Politically Incorrect did with the guy who used to work with the En Fuego guy, steals from Edward R. Murrow, and has been fired countless times was pretty silly - I kept waiting for the Politically Incorrect guy to ask the guy who used to work with the En Fuego guy, steals from Edward R. Murrow, and has been fired countless times if he would be into a little caress or perhaps a peck on the neck or possibly the high the hard one or maybe a taste of Mrs. Barack Hussien Obama's sweet homemade juices he keeps in a jar in his pants - who knows? The guy from Politically Incorrect used to be watchable too - his old show was pretty damn entertaining most nights - but that was way over 10 years ago now. I don't know what happened to the guy - but he got boring and predictable, and yes, worst of all, he became completely politically correct.

1,2
1,2,3,4 - TBFH

Some Might Say

Cause I've been standing at the station
In need of education in the rain
You made no preparation for my reputation once again
The sink is full of fishes
She's got dirty dishes on the brain

It's overflowing gently but it's all elementary my friend

The Truth About Bowling And Retards

I guess Barack Hussein Obama was on the talk show hosted by that anvil faced comedian last night and said something I actually agreed with for once- he compared himself to a retard. Then the best part is that he decided he needed to apologize to the retards for insulting them and comparing their bowling prowess with his own - I don't bowl and have no idea if old Barry is an avid bowler or what. But, evidently he sucks at it - probably way worse than the average retard - and from what I hear the average retard chick is really down with and into sucking - I have no first hand knowledge of this (I'm scared to death of even talking to retard chicks, much less letting them have their way with me). But if old Barry sucks as much as those pasty faced retard chicks, then heaven help him, the poor bastard.

Hoops is in full swing here, and a good day gambling yesterday, not great - Memphis really let us down, but good overall. Even Duke squeaked out a cover. I'm not super thrilled with today's card, but have sent out 4 afternoon bets and am 1-1 so far - Kansas covered by 1/2 a point. I will be sending out 5 more here later this afternoon.

At the Taco Crap yesterday, all sorts of douches were sitting there crossing off the teams on their stupid bracket sheet as one bad result after the other rolled in. I did manage to hang with some brothers for a good part of the late afternoon and later at night, and in my experience, generally speaking, brothers are way more informed on the actual nuances of the game than white dudes. All the white dudes seem to do is bitch about the coaching or officiating or the way some poor 20 year old is balling. Sad. For what it's worth, old Quigley picked all 16 games correct yesterday, I checked it this morning. I don't think he's sweating it much.

At one point I was standing outside this place called Cheese Palace In Hell (it's some kind of burger joint) about 9:30 or so and these two strange looking girls come out and I guess they had been into some kind of booze - Cause one of them stumbled a bit and the other one helped her up, and I laughed. Then the one who stumbled a bit said "You wanna come party with us?" And I would have declined the offer under any circumstances, but last night I said "I would love to, but can't because my prescription of Viagra ran out." That sent them on their way.

About 7 last night I was eating dinner with some work colleagues and that is always so tedious and last night was no different. So, at one point the conversation turned to fingers for some reason (I wasn't paying too close attention to any of them, I was monitoring the Michigan/Clemson game very closely - thank you Wolverines). And Fran says this "I find that using more than one finger is best." And I did a bit of a double take, but didn't say anything and then Fran and one of the ladies from Texas started laughing uncontrollably, in fact the lady from Texas was crying from laughing so hard. So then Fran says "We know what you were going to say. You don't have to." And they didn't actually have any idea what I was gonna say, not even I knew, because I was too busy thinking about how to get the mental image of Fran shoving 3 or 4 fingers deep inside her hole out of my mind before I vomited. Yuck!

Things can only get better. - TBFH

Blogging From Scam's

Well, I'm back in the same bar again here in beautiful Greensboro. And I've had a few folks email me wondering what the hell bar I've been blogging and working from here the past several weeks and I should have mentioned it before - I'm sitting at Scam's in Brass Balls Field on Battleground (it has something to do with the Revolutionary War and my man Natty Greene). And my my main man Scuba is bartending today. And he is one of the best bartenders in the world. And the damn Led Zeppelin is on here again - and just let me say - Dancing Days are not here again - you fucking moron Jimmy Page.

By the way, if anyone is gonna be in the ATL tomorrow or Friday or over the weekend - and wants to hang out and have a drink and watch the hard hitting hoops action, I will be at a place called Taco Crap in the Perimeter Center. As always, I'm the easiest person in the world to hunt down - you can find me at the bar. Taco Crap is one of the best sports bars in the universe - they have like 75 TV's in there. All big flat screens. And lots of Atlanta skanks hang out in there - so that's something at least.

Also, we picked up right where we left off with the gambling last night. 3-0 on the night. And the picks were never in doubt. St. Mary's rolled, PSU/George Mason went way over - even without the overtime, and More Head State dominated - we bet that one strictly because of the name - obviously. Tonight the CBI starts and I love the CBI. I already sent out 3 bets for the old CBI. There is also a new tournament this year called College Insiders and all the teams in it are so bad, I have no idea how to bet the damn thing. By the way, Providence is angry and only laying 3 at home in the NIT - so that is the bet of the night. Even though I love Jack McClinton - he can flat ball.

Well, I guess a few people are waiting for my update on America's Most Competent Karaoke Singer. And they did country last night - and the guy who looks like a member of Al Qaeda sang the Willie Nelson & the awful judges praised him - but one of my favorite songs is The Pet Shop Boys version of that song - so I hated this Al Qaeda guy's performance. The whole thing is so silly and pointless. I gotta quit watching the thing. I really do. I feel cheap for even looking at it - like that intern with the blue Gap dress - the one stained with William Jefferson Blythe's ejaculate. You know, the big, gawky, Jewish chick with the horse mouth. Of course, that poor girl had a cigar in her vagina - and I guess when her poor boyfriend goes down her he probably mumbles to himself - "This tastes vaguely Cuban." Poor bastard.

I was watching a repeat of the greatest show in the history of television later last night. It was the episode where Jim finally asks Pam out on a date after years of not getting together. And I gotta admit, I get a little teary eyed myself when I see that one. I really do. Jenna Fischer. Jenna Fucking Fischer. And poor David Wallace - he has to have the hardest job in the world, managing a company like Dunder Mifflin. I can relate, believe me. If you would ever meet some of the people I've had to supervise over the years. Good God. It's a wonder I haven't killed myself. It really is. And I'm back to the ATL tomorrow for more. So, if you believe in prayer - say one for me. It can't hurt.

They are playing the Pete Townsend Band again in here and it sounds as good as ever. As I've said before - he is one bad bad motherfucker.

I was on the Faceshit again and looking at a photo album that Alley posted and in it were some pictures taken last summer at The Wreck Room. And I got a big kick out of them. We were all dead drunk. Andy, Patrick, and I were particularly dead drunk. And Andy was dancing - and he moves better than any big man since John Belushi. And that's the truth.

By the way, it's Andy's birthday tomorrow and I won't be in town (obviously). But, I did send the kid some books - I don't read myself, but Andy is a voracious reader. I sent him one book written by this Jewish dude - the book that has a chapter titled Whacking Off and I'm told it's one of the best books of the 20th century, So, I hope he enjoys it. Mary (Andy's sis) sent me a text that she had intercepted the UPS package and wrapped the books for me. So, thanks Mary - you are the best. The Order Of The Elephant - pure genius. When it comes to trivia questions involving royalty - no one can touch Mary. Not a soul.

I was in the Generic Bread again this morning and the damn Karl Childers dude was back in there - only this time he had some woman with him. And she resembled an escapee from a group home - totally despicable. And I couldn't resist walking over to the two of them and asking - "Does the state of North Carolina provide the two of you with birth control?" And the guy who resembles Karl Childers replied "No need boy, I only fuck her in the ass." And I said, as I walked away "That makes perfect sense. I heard that's Obama's policy regarding retards fucking . They gave you an instructional anal DVD starring Ron Jeremy and Nancy Pelosi. Right?" The guy who resembles Karl Childers didn't seem to disagree with me. So, I have to assume...

Geilfuss was evidently hitting on a girl with two kids last night. And I never heard how the night ended up - but I have to wonder - Did one of her kids find his shoes this morning after he snuck away in the dead of night? And - Did Creech pull up in his new RV, shoeless, and looking for sloppy seconds?

When I smile tell me some bad news, before I laugh and act like a fool. - TBFH

Quigley's Hoops Picks

Warning - It is very nice here this morning. The squirrels were racing everywhere. Quigley had a terrible time focusing on making his picks - I fear he's resting on his laurels. He seems jaded, bored, and cynical toward the whole thing. Plus, when he heard Barack Hussein Obama did a bracket he barked at the TV for a minute. Quigley is an old school Goldwater conservative English Cocker - so he's got that going for him at least.

1st round - Take all the 1,2,3, & 4 seeds to advance. Take two #12 seeds - W Ky and Arizona. Take the other two 5 seeds. Here are the rest of the 1st round picks - TOSU, WVA , USC. Texas A&M, Utah State, the Terps. Tennessee, UCLA, Texas. LSU, Temple, Michigan. That's 32.

2nd round - Take all the 1's and 2's except Michigan St - Take the Trojans. The rest - Wake, WVA, Purdue, Mizzu, UCLA, Florida State, Gonzaga, Syracuse. That's 16.

Regional Semi-finals - Louisville, WVA, Purdue, Memphis, Pitt, Duke, Gonzaga, Syracuse. That's 8.

Regional Finals - Lou, Mem, Pitt, Syracuse

Final 4 - Pitt, Lou

Champ -Louisville.

That's it.

Troy Smith Owns The Irish

I'm pretty clueless on St. Patrick's Day - I assume it celebrates snakes slithering out of Lou Holtz's anus. But I could be way off on that. He'd probably enjoy it though - the freak with the lisp - Lou Holtz. And please remember one of the most important things about Lou Holtz - when he was at Minnesota, he was 0-2 against Earle Bruce.

I never quite understood the phrase "the luck of the Irish" - aren't they one of the most unlucky groups of people in the history of the world? What with the famine, the English occupation, and that lord of the dance guy - how could they be classified as lucky?

The best thing about Ireland is the Guiness. Other than that, they do have U2 and Sinead O'Connor - so that's something I guess. And Car Bombs - speaking of which, the over/under on the # of Car Bombs consumed at Get Bent Lounge tonight is 75 - and that's only counting the ones that Andy orders. When that kid puts his hand up high, points his index finger, and starts with the head counting - watch out. I love the kid, believe me. And if Mike Hupp, Ross, and Josh show up - it's over. Not to mention Horse Face. If she's not Irish, she should be.

Of course, the Irish themselves have had no luck at all where it really matters - playing football against TOSU. When the Irish played in Columbus in 1995 and the Buckeyes won 45-26, I was in the BW-3 at N High and Woodruff after the game - dead drunk. And there were dozens of very nice Irish fans in there. They were being very cordial and friendly. So, what I did is started walking around the bar screaming "Fuck the Pope" - at the top of my lungs for like an hour. I enjoyed that immensely. The next year TOSU won again 29-16 in the farmlands of Indiana and it was never close. My favorite game though took place in Arizona on Jan 2, 2006. TOSU gained 618 yards and crucified Charlie Weis, Brady Quinn, and the Pope himself. Troy Fucking Smith. TROY FUCKING SMITH - #10. It makes me cry just to think of him. And if you know me at all, you know I am not exaggerating.

This bar is pretty empty for 2:30 on St Patrick's Day - they are playing the Jimmy Eats World - so that's something at least.

I was back at that place on W Market Saturday watching hoops and minding my own business, trying to monitor 3 games at once and that same bartender was in there again - the one who wears sleeveless t-shirts to accentuate her otherworldly breasts. Except she wasn't working, she was in there drinking, pulling for the Heels. And she stumbles over to me at some point and says something like "Why don't you come in here much any longer? What happened to you?" And I really didn't have an answer to that. So I said "Your breasts scare me." And she said, as she lifted her sleeveless t-shirt and undid her bra clasp thingy "These?" And I said "Well, that's about right. Yes." She said "Go ahead - fondle them a while - they won't bite." And I had to decline the offer - I just said "No thanks, I'm good. Those overly pronounced blue veins running everywhere aren't really my thing." So, she slapped me, but not with her hand. And I just laughed and laughed as her blue vein riddled tits smacked all over my cheeks, chin, and forehead. It's no wonder the pool tables in that place look haphazardly decorated with ejaculate stains.

Geilfuss had a very interesting post on his blog yesterday about the March Madness and in it he mentions a certain young pup named Quigley. And Quigley is famous for many things - fruitlessly chasing squirrels and preening for the babes chiefly among them. But, also Quigley is a genius at doing the retarded office pool bracket thing. I don't mess with it personally, but Quigley will. He's way nicer than I am - way nicer. And he is deep in thought right now on his picks and promises that he will fill out his brackets tomorrow. I will post them then and my advice (even though I don't give advice) is to wait to enter your pool until you see Quigley's picks. I can't reveal his secrets though. No dice there. Hell, I don't understand his methods myself, to be honest. The Quigley Dog. The Fucking Quigley Dog. He is the absolute best. I love the guy. I really do - more than life itself. Way more.

I've had several complaints from newer readers of this blog about all the inside nicknames used and random stream of consciousness and I am not gonna reveal any secrets, but I get where folks are coming from. This blog is getting way more traffic than I ever anticipated - people are telling their friends I guess. I have no idea. But one email I got compared my writing style to that Irish guy who wrote Ulysses. And I'm functionally illiterate (obviously), so I have no idea if it's accurate or not. But I do know this - I saw that movie The Dead and I must say, it was pretty damn interesting.

The best U2 album is Achtung Baby. And as brilliant as Joshua Tree is, Achtung Baby is better. And I will die arguing that point. Now, the best U2 song is on Joshua Tree - One Tree Hill - of course. But overall, Achtung Baby. Fucking Achtung Baby.

I was in that same BW-3 mentioned above one time in December 1996 and I was waiting to meet this guy I hadn't seen in a little over 26 years. And I was dead drunk. And this guy wonders in about 9:30 or so I guess. And the whole experience was quite a letdown that night. He didn't drink (he claimed he was a recovering alcoholic) and was wearing a hideous trench coat. And he smoked cheap cigarettes to boot. So, I really didn't know what to say to the guy. I probably must have come across as an asshole - in fact he told my mother I came across as an asshole afterword. Anyway, the whole thing was a bust. I only saw the guy 2 more times before he died. And I did actually learn something from the whole experience (which is rare) and it is this: If you father a kid, don't wait until he's 26 to get in touch with him. That's not gonna be good for anybody. Trust me on that.

Everyone can see what's going on

They laugh cause they know they're untouchable

Not because what I said I was wrong

Whatever it may bring

I will live by my own policies

I will sleep with a clear conscience

I will sleep in peace

Maybe it sounds mean

But I really don't think so

You asked for the truth and I told you

Through their own words

They will be exposed

They've got a severe case of

The emperor's new clothes

TBFH

The Man Who Rocked The Checkered Blazer Better Than Bobby Knight

The most important update first - Rodman SURVIVED on the Celebrity Apprentice last night - even though he didn't show up for the challenge at all - he appeared to be sleeping one off (obviously). Anyway, Trump could not fire him - because as long as Rodman is on there someone might watch the stupid thing. Dennis is the only compelling person on the show and once they kick him off- that's it. It was highly amusing to watch Rodman walk the streets of Manhattan with a vodka cranberry in hand and hit on random women. At one point he compared himself to someone in the movie Ghost - I had no idea what he was talking about. And he called a buddy of his who provided a Russian stripper to his team - although it didn't help them at all. Next week's show is being billed as Dennis Rodman's meltdown - so that should be awesome. Dennis Fucking Rodman.

As far as the basketball bets went - we made a killing Friday and Saturday. Brandon texted me that he had turned $200 into $1000 in 2 days. I was on fire both days - the only thing I really missed was Auburn on Saturday - and Tennessee shot an amazing % from 3 - so...For the record - USC did cover Thursday night, then Friday night. Va. Tech did cover Friday. TOSU covered Friday. Miss St covered Friday and Saturday. Auburn covered Friday. BC covered Friday. La Tech covered Friday by 1/2 a point. Louisville covered Friday and Saturday. Florida St covered Saturday. Purdue covered Saturday. I hope everyone but J cashes out way ahead today.

I saw an email about a basketball pool - and basketball pools are stupid. The thing I hate about this time of year is everyone sitting around talking about their brackets. I don't give a shit about your brackets. No one does. And listening to the most casual hoops fans spitting back info they heard on ESPN or sports talk radio all week is enough to make me suicidal. Please, if you read this blog - do not talk about your brackets in public and DO NOT repeat anything that Duke Vitale or Dirk Diggler Phelps said. Or that moron Jay Bilas. They have no idea what they are talking about when it comes to picking games against the number - none. Now, Clark Kellogg I have a soft spot for because I used to watch him play in old St. John Arena when I was a kid. And he could ball before his knees slowed him down - believe me.

I was out the other day eating some wings at some wing place and there was a guy sitting next to me who I worked with at The Old Measuring Stick back in the day - and he didn't remember me (I'm a very forgettable person - completely nondescript). Anyway, this guy is named Billy and he has issues with his teeth (Billy doesn't have many). And Billy was sitting there and playing The Knowledge and this question comes up about Eliza Doolittle and I love that album Doolittle by the Pixies so I started screaming at Billy "Where did your teeth go Billy?" And "What the hell happened to your teeth Billy?" And the bartender comes over and says to me "I think it's best if you go now." And I said "But, shouldn't we help Billy look for his teeth first?" Billy just sat there. Idiot. Gutless idiot. I threw $20 on the bar and left that crappy wing place. It smelled like MSG in there for some reason and I didn't see any Chinamen. Lots of Obama voters though - and they smell just as bad. So,...

I was watching this thing last night called - Survive and Advance With Billy Packer - on Fox Sports South. And, unlike the Billy at the wing place, Billy Packer had all his teeth at least. But he had Bobby Knight on there as a guest and the 2 of them couldn't quit kissing each other's asses. It was awful. I kept expecting Jim Nantz to show up and say - "A tradition unlike any other." By the way, Bobby Knight needs to get back to wearing those checkered blazers - he looked really menacing in those things- when he threw that chair back in that game against Purdue - he was wearing a checkered blazer. And I bet when he got in that bar fight in Puerto Rico, he was also wearing a checkered blazer then. I always felt bad for old Eldon Miller, he seemed to wear the same gray suit every game - poor bastard. No checkered blazer for Eldon. The only guy who rocked the checkered blazer better than Bobby Knight was Wimp Sanderson. And that is a metaphysical certainty.

And if, it's a temporary lull - Why am I bored right out of my skull? - TBFH

The Man Who Rocks The Pimp Coat Like Nobody Else - Ever

I'm blogging from the same ridiculous bar as last week - watching hoops. And the Hokies crushed Thug U earlier - which was very helpful after yesterday. Tulsa is also rocking Rice in their game. So if Arizona can cover +4 and 1/2 here this afternoon, we're in good shape headed into tonight's action. Gambling - it's stupid.

I got a text from Geilfuss about Creech trading in his Jeep for a RV. And I hope he does. That way Creech can invite homeless crack whores to spend the night with him on the slightest drunken whim - which are the most dangerous whims of all. And he might not lose his shoes so easily - although I don't know if anything can help Creech and Geilfuss curb their propensity to lose shoes. That might be a lost cause - like hoping Barack Hussein Obama isn't totally in bed with Hamas or in bed with Oprah or Gail or Oprah and Gail or in bed with Joe Biden's blow-up doll that has Oprah's face, Gail's chest, Hillary's fat ass, some giant clown feet, and smells like vegan feces.

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? - A salad shooter.

I saw a sticker last year that said Impeach O'Malley. And I'm not sure who O'Malley is exactly, but his name might indicate Irish heritage and that reminds me of the first time I heard the name Barack Hussien Obama- I assumed he was Irish - Barry O'bama??? Like that song by The Who about that Irish guy - Baba O'Reilly??? Anyway, people seem to despise this O'Malley cat. Get it??? O'Malley Cat - Like Alley Cat??? I'm a riot. I amuse myself endlessly.

This bar is starting to fill up with Wolfpack fans - and it's still 3 and 1/2 hours til tip off. I keep looking for Paulie - waiting for him to amble up to me with a Captain and Diet in his hand - so I can ask - "Paulie, does the diet really matter at this point?"It will be a huge game tonight. The Terps are favored by 2 and they have to have it. But if Sid Lowe is wearing the pimp coat, all bets are off. That coat is awesome. While old Gary is sweating himself to death as always tonight, Sid Lowe will be down the sideline, standing there like "Where's my money bitch?"

Led Zeppelin sucks. I come from the land of the ice and snow??? No, you don't Jimmy. Not even close.

Someone texted me after yesterday's post where I used a picture of a porn star and they didn't feel it was appropriate for a family friendly blog like mine to promote pornography in any way. And I can see the point, I really can. So, to be fair - I'm gonna be exclusively putting pictures of famous nuns up for awhile (not today of course). I have no idea how long it will last, but probably 0 days. Remember this though, nuns are the #1 purchasers of double-headers in the world today - porn stars are only a distant 3rd - they are 3rd behind women who work in Senator Harry Reid's office.

I think we're going with Southen Cal as top choice tonight. They need it badly.

Your sperms in the gutter - your loves in the sink. - TBFH

There Is Nothing Little About Larry Little

I was in line at Subway for some reason and there was a Beck-worthy fat girl in front of me and I didn't think too much of it, but when it came time for her to order here's what she said - "Can I get a 6 inch meat?" And I said, pretty loudly - "Salami?"

I was walking around at a park earlier, trying to get a little exercise, and one thing I've always noticed at this park is that guys sit in their vehicles in this area right out front of a men's bathroom. And I kind of wondered why for some time and then one day a few years ago, I realized what was going down - these guys wait for another guy to pull up next to them, nod or give some secret signal, then follow the guy into the bathroom. Well, needless to say, I never went inside that bathroom after I figured out what was going on. A few times over the years I've seen guys walking out after a spirited round of almost anonymous gay sex and they don't always do a great job of cleaning up the ejaculate smeared all over their faces- but,...Anyway, today one of these guys waiting out front of the men's bathroom at this park in a red pick-up waves at me - as if to inquire if I'm down for some almost anonymous gay sex and I yelled over to the guy - "Do I look like Barney Frank?" I definitely picked up the pace of my gait after that. Wow! - Who are these guys with nothing better to do during the day then sit around and wait for some almost anonymous gay sex? The answer - maybe liberal judges?

I was out one time at the Patrick Bateman's near the Church's Chicken playing trivia and the guy who plays devil's advocate and studies his notes was there. Anyway, there was another guy sitting next to me and he had an iPhone or something and there was a question that the guy running the game had a bad answer to - it had to do with Molly Ringwald. So this guy with the iPhone or whatever checks the World Wide Web of Deceit so I can correct the guy running the game on this issue with Molly Ringwald and then the guy with the iPhone goes off about some girl named Briana Banks. Well, the guy who plays devil's advocate and studies his notes was very familiar with this Briana Banks, but I wasn't. So, this dude with the iPhone pulls up photos of this Briana Banks girl - and I have to say - I haven't forgotten them. If I remember correctly we won that trivia game - they asked Scrubs trivia - too easy.

I was watching the show where they are trying to find America's most competent Karaoke singer last night and they were all performing these songs by the guy who put wine in a Pepsi can for the kid from Home Alone. And say what you will about the guy who put wine in a Pepsi can for the kid from Home Alone - but he does rock - he is a genius. Anyway, the kid who looks like a member of Al Qaeda was on there again and tried to perform Beat It. He was terrible. But, it did remind me of a time my friend Todd and I performed Beat It at a Karaoke night at O'Reilly's Pub on High St. and we were dead drunk. I distinctly remember being asked to leave because I changed the words a bit - Beat her, just beat her man. No one wants to be a fetus.

Speaking of messing with lyrics - my man Beck does this wicked impression of Crash Test Dummies and it's funnier than the parody Weird Al did of that song - by a sight, as Marcellus Wallace would say. When Beck starts doing the impression, I just fall over from uncontrollable laughter. I really do.

I was surfing around the TV last night and came across the guy who used to work with the guy who says En Fuego, steals from Edward R. Murrow, and has been fired countless times. And I feel a little bad for the guy. He's been reduced to attacking other members of the media and his heart doesn't seem in it at all. I get the feeling that a lot of the liberal media folks don't know what to do without old W to kick around anymore. The guy who used to work with the En Fuego guy, steals from Edward R. Murrow, and has been fired countless times was focusing in on some glutton who has a popular radio program and ripping him pretty hard. And I wondered - "Why would anyone watch this silliness?" And apparently not many folks do, because the ratings for his show are pathetic. At least he can go home to his mother after the broadcast each night and suckle at her breast as he worries about being fired again. I have no idea how big his mother's breasts are though. But her nipples are probably hard as rocks from around 50 years of suckling. So that's something I guess. Poor kid.

I sent out some March Madness picks today and what we really need is for the Oregon St./Stanford game to go over 126 and 1/2 points. That would be really helpful. Also, if the Irish, the Aggies, and the Hawks of St. Joe's could cover - that would be cool too. Oregon State is being coached by Barack Hussien Obama's brother-in-law and I hope like hell they jack up tons of 3's. They have this big Dutch guy on the team and he can be lethal from deep. He's no Rik Smits, but then , who is? The Dunking Dutchman - my main man.

As Andrea Cambern said during the height of the abomination that was the Ohio Glory - there is nothing little about Larry Little. The only game they ever won was when Greg Frey started at Quarterback - but all that was mitigated because after the game, the crowd was "treated" to a god-awful performance of the Beach Boys without Brian Wilson. Like seeing Saved By The Bell The College Years in the episodes without Kelly Kapowski - unwatchable.

The best thing in lovin' is a sister and her cousin and it started with a little kiss- TBFH

Jason's Drunk Roommate Looks To Daniel Day-Lewis

I was in this place called Generic Bread earlier today and I'm sitting there trying to get some work done and this guy who favored Karl Childers comes up to me and says "You studying that there Intranet?" I said "Exactly Karl." He said "I sure like your hard drive." I could only think of one thing to say to that "How much potted meat have you eaten today dude?" He said "I don't believe I like the sound of that boy." I offered to take him across the street to the Quickie Mart and get him a 40 and see if the guy who played Jack Tripper could get us a deal on pig brains. He didn't take me up on it though. I packed up and was about to leave when the guy who favors Karl Childers says "I sure like your garage." I said, as I walked away "I'm gonna call Dwight Yoakam on your ass in a minute."

I was watching my man Springer yesterday and there was a guy on there in a diaper and he had to weigh like 400 pounds and he had a girlfriend who fed him french fries from a wheelbarrow. And someone from the audience asked if he got an erection from wearing the diapers and having the fries hand fed to him - and he grinned and said "I ain't seen my pecker in 10 years." And I wasn't sure why he was grinning, but if I was in the audience I would of asked this follow up "How many Obama rallies did you go to last year?"

The March Madness is starting up here soon and I was in Get Bent Lounge last week and this guy was wanting to bet on the games. So J is in there and suggests that this guy use my picks and I said "OK, give me your cell # and I'll text you the picks each day of the tournament." He did this and I was nice, I actually entered his info into my phone. Only the name I punched in was - Jason's Drunk Roommate. And if you've never met the guy, trust me that 1)he is Jason's roommate and 2)he is a drunk. I hope he makes a killing placing $10 and $20 bets on the games because he has a terrible mustache and I figure with extra walking around money he might grow it out like Daniel Day-Lewis in that movie about drinking Eli's milkshake. One can hope...

They had a thing on Sunday about the half-ton Mom on TLC and she had two kids and I thought "How did Joe Biden ever come in the right hole - twice?"

I've heard from more old friends on the Faceshit the last few weeks and that's cool and all, but for the life of me I don't get the point of the whole thing. There is all this stuff like "_____ is waiting for Heroes to start." And "_______ wants to snowball." And "_____ commented on Billy's third testicle picture." And I keep thinking, to borrow from the old drunk guy "Who gives a fuck?" I will say this though, I heard from a girl I went to school with and who I really think the world of and that's not so awful at least. Good old Molly Morris.

It gets me to the church on time - TBFH

Passing The Time On A School Bus

I was out at the place on W Market Saturday afternoon and was sitting there minding my own business when some guy comes in wearing a sleeveless t-shirt. And the bartender comes over and says to this guy "We have a rule here about no sleeveless shirts." The thing was that the bartender was wearing a sleeveless shirt herself - to accentuate her almost otherworldly tits no doubt. So, I said to the guy with the sleeveless t-shirt, "Ironic, huh?" He said "What's irony?" I said "Well, the fact you don't know what irony is, that is irony." He got up and left.

Also, there was some baseball game on Saturday afternoon and I noticed that Felipe Alou looks like Yoda. I was wishing Sammy Sosa was playing on the Dominican team, because he slightly resembles Mace Windu. Of course Big Papi was there and he resembles Jabba. So,...

I was watching this thing last night called Celebrity Apprentice and you HAVE to watch it. Dennis Rodman is on there and I'm not sure how many weeks he'll survive, but as long as he does - you HAVE to watch. Remember that Rodman won the 2nd season of Celebrity Mole and that was perhaps the most amazing accomplishment in the history of western civilization. It was incredible. Dennis Rodman might be the greatest person to ever walk the face of the earth. Dennis Fucking Rodman.

I was also out Saturday hanging with my buddy Brandon and he was telling me what a buddy of his who is in pizza management is up to these days. And it reminded me of a story from a few years ago - this pizza management guy got in deep to a bookie on some bad NFL bets and didn't have the dough to pay (I don't recommend that by the way). So, this guy was managing a Papa John's at the time and he was trying to get the bookie to take free pizza vouchers as payment towards his gambling debt. I'm dead serious. Poor kid.

One of the best things to do if you're ever on a school bus and bored is this- when you see a fairly homely looking girl walking along the sidewalk, put down the window and say pretty loudly in the girl's direction "Wow, you're hot!!!" And then she'll do one of two things - either turn toward you and point at herself as if to say "Me?" or she'll just say "Thanks." In either case say "No, not you." It's pretty funny.

One other way to pass the time on a school bus is to play truth or dare. You'd be surprised how eager many girls are to flash their breasts on a dare. You really would - at least I always was back in middle school.

I saw this magazine in the checkout lane at the grocery store and the cover claimed that Barack Hussein Obama was gay. And I wondered - "Pitcher or Catcher?"

It's a jungle

I'm a freak

Here me talk

But never speak

TBFH

Bowling Ball Walks Into A Buffet Line

I am blogging from a bar - so that's something at least.

I was reading this thing about a guy named the Horseless Headman. And I liked his name quite a bit. It was written by some dead guy - whom I assume is a fan of the NY Knicks. I can't swear to that though.

I saw the guy who plays devil's advocate and studies his notes the other night - the guy who looks like Lurch. Anyway, he comes over to me and says "Before you ask, I still haven't found a job." And his hair was really unkempt, so I said "Tom, you're not going on interviews looking like a hobo are you?" And the guy who plays devil's advocate and studies his notes says "Good to see you're still an asshole."

I am enjoying blogging in this bar - they are playing the Steely Dan and I can chain smoke. If there were midget lesbian strippers in here, then life would be perfect.

There was a question at trivia the other night about what some dead Greek guy used to commit suicide and I'm thinking and then Andy says "Shylock?" I said "You mean hemlock?" Andy said "Yes." We lost the game anyway -we were awful. We thought there were only 40 noodles in a condensed can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup. We were way off. Way off.

They are playing The Seeker now and Pete Townsend is one bad bad motherfucker.

I come into this bar quite often for NFL Sunday ticket, when I'm in town here. And I will just say this - there's nothing quite as nerve racking as having a huge bet on a game and being down one score and the team you bet on gets the ball with less than 4 minutes left and JP Losman trots out onto the field. And I'm not kidding about that.

Andy and I went into Get Bent Lounge the other night and Beck strolled in about Midnight. We got to talking about how the term Beck-worthy big was coined. And Andy remembered it exactly. About a year and a half ago we were at Get Bent Lounge and there was a gaggle of obscenely fat chicks in there and what happened is this - I decided that Beck really wanted to do one of them and I went up to this girl and said "I apologize for inconveniencing you Miss, but my friend is really shy and I would be remiss if I didn't mention how hot he thinks you are." She said "Are you bullshitting me?" And I said "Do I look like I'm bullshitting you?" She said "The fact that your friends are standing over there laughing their asses off does give me that impression." And I said "That's just nervous laughter." She said "Really?" I said "Yes, I swear he has a fattie fetish." Then she slapped me. Then I laughed and laughed. I really did.

Speaking of Beck, there used to be this girl who came into Get Bent Lounge who I called Bowling Ball. The first time I used the phrase Bowling Ball Andy said "Could you explain that?" I said "She's as tall as she is wide - just like a bowing ball." He spit his beer out. I ordered Bowling Ball a shot of tequila - anonymously. Andy said "Why tequila?" I said "Tequila makes her clothes fall off." He spit his beer out again. I haven't seen old Bowling Ball in well over a year now. The speculation is that she went back to New Jersey where she belongs. Beck does confess, in a moment of drunken weakness, that he still dreams of her from time to time. And I just say "Don't worry my friend, there are plenty more where she comes from. All we have to do is take a road trip to New Jersey, find the bar where the Duke graduates hang out, then simply wait." Beck seemed to take some solace in that.

I think we can begin to come to the conclusion that Barack Hussein Obama is - as old Denny Green would say - who we thought he was. As I've said before, the guy is making the biggest power grab since Emperor Palpatine did in those movies with that girl from Jerusalem. These latest proposals are so depressing, I can't even wrap my mind around them. The audacity of hope. The fucking audacity of hope. It's making me suicidal.

I was watching this thing last night on TV Guide channel and they were going on and on about some bachelor and how he did some ho wrong. And I have no idea if he did or not, but they showed the girl he dumped and the girl wanted he to give the high hard one to and I gotta say, they were both extremely mediocre looking and I thought "What could possibly be the difference between the two?"

You must be heaven sent - TBFH

The Old Drunk Guy Slightly Goes Sober For A Night

I was sitting across from the old drunk guy last night at the Charred Pork Bucket - only there was a huge problem - he was pretty much as close to stone cold sober as he can be. And that is a recipe for disaster. When he's semi-cogent/coherent, the old drunk guy really tries to participate in answering trivia questions - and that's a problem, because he confuses everyone on many questions. It's much easier to play trivia with him when he's almost passed out drunk. So, this question comes up about what state was devastated by a tornado on June something 1944 - and the old drunk guy was alive back then. And I didn't have any idea. So, after about 2 minutes of him alternately rubbing his face and swigging whiskey, he swears it happened in Delaware - he had totally convinced himself of this. Of course it didn't happen in Delaware. Not even close. Another question about soccer and Mia Hamm comes up. I'm anticipating the old drunk guy to say "Who gives a fuck." Instead he claims he watched every game of the 1999 Women's World Cup (right, of course he did). We missed that question too.Then something comes up about what team from Toronto won Lord Stanley's Cup (I bet his cup smelled and still smells like ball sweat) in 1918. And he keeps saying it was the Blue Jays. I said "Well Dick, I don't think the Blue Jays play hockey, but you were probably alive in 1918, so that's something at least." He said "Go fuck yourself." We missed that question. We were on fire with wrong answers. We somehow won the game in spite of all this (they asked a question about the busiest airports and I travel way too much, so that was way too easy) and after the game was over I offered to buy the old drunk guy a whiskey and water. He said to me "Alright, I'll stick around for a quickie." And then I said "Dick, I don't get freaky like that with dudes." He said to me - one last time - "Go fuck yourself."



I was also speaking to Mary last night about her book club meeting with the 10 -12 year old girls (the one that covered the American Girl's Guide to Anal Lubing). She said it went well. I asked if she presented the different strengths and weaknesses of each kind of anal lube - silicone based vs water based. And she said "You are sick." And I said "But Mary, they are gonna need to know this later in life to lead normal active lives and I feel like many parents and teachers are too embarrassed or shy to delve into such important, yet sensitive territory." Mary really didn't seem to agree with me on that. She then told me that the next book these girls will be reading is going to be about their bodies changing and how to find the right bra size and other touchy stuff like that. And I said "Is it illustrated for them?" Mary said "Yes, but with drawings, no pictures." And then the Billy Idol came on the sound system and it was Dancing With Myself and I said "By the way, do any of these illustrations in this next book show the best fingering techniques for masturbation?" Mary said "That would not be appropriate for girls that age." And I said "Well, ok. But good sound advice on the best techniques to use is a lot better and more efficient than the trial and error method. And I remember when I was 12 -the girls were wild. Maybe times have changed. Maybe it's all about chope taking over now." Mary slapped me and we moved on to another topic (I think it was probably about the time Dick was talking about the Toronto Blue Jays being a hockey powerhouse in 1918). The Charred Pork Bucket - what an awful place.

I was out Saturday with Andy and we were at this place called The Brewer's Fart. The micro brews there were pretty tasty. But, there were freaks all over the place - it reminded me of an Obama rally. Unfortunately, the music was loud and I don't think anyone in there heard me screaming over to Andy "Do Obama voters bathe?" Because, these people were not clean - in the biblical sense anyway. Later we went to some place called Dope Walk and the night got very blurry. It really did.



I was hanging out with Geilfuss Sunday night at Get Bent Lounge and J was in there as usual on Sunday. And J was going on and on about bubble teams and I had no idea what he was talking about. He'd say something like "Is USC in or out?" And I'd say "Do you mean the Trojans or the Cocks?" He never did get what I was saying. Also, somehow the topic of mail order brides came up. And I kept encouraging J to look into it. He really should. I think one from Dundalk might be perfect for him. Hell, they could deliver her through standard mail. J could drive out to Blair Rd. with her, then for a weekend could take her downey ocean hon. Geilfuss and I went over to some other bar called PVCs around 1 and ran into some girls we know and they were wasted. Geilfuss said to me "They are gonna spin some wheel and there will be an awesome special afterward." I said "A mail order bride for J?" He laughed.



I was watching a piece of propaganda last night that was produced by this putridly gawky looking girl who is related to the speaker of some house. What she did is go around the country last fall talking to people who supported John McCain for president and had some issue with Barack Hussein Obama. Only she asked the most leading questions to some really not so bright people, which I suppose was to try and suggest that only racist, ignorant, rednecks could possibly of been against old Barry in the election. Of course, I found it fascinating listening to these folks. I didn't really agree with much of what they were saying - but they seemed like the kinds of people that go and fight our wars overseas so liberal elites can sit around Washington and Manhattan worrying about what wine goes with what kind of meat or when is Benetton having a sale or what private kindergarten their poorly named children will get into. As for me, I'll hang with the the McCain supporters any day of the week. They might not be able to talk about the symbolism in Steinbeck or Faulkner novels, but I always get bored with that anyway. This gawky looking freak who produced that documentary and is related to the speaker of some house, she should be ashamed of herself - but I bet she isn't.



Later last night they put on that movie with the guy who played Mike Corleone, the guy who played Fred Flinstone, and the guy who played the dead father on that show set at a funeral home. It was a pretty damn good movie. And the lady in that movie, the one who is in Diner, she looked highly mesmerizing.



Ladies love me, girls adore me, I mean even the ones who never saw me. -TBFH