Jittery Falcon Fan Talks A Little Life

I was out the other day at the infamous Kicken Chicken for Sunday Ticket when I ran into a guy I've mentioned before on this blog, yes, Jittery Falcon Fan. He's been in the bar every Sunday this fall, jittery as ever, nervously moving his hands up and down his legs for hours straight. His standard approach to viewing his Falcons remains unchanged - he shows up alone, wearing his fake #33 Turner jersey tucked into black slacks, leeches on to some too friendly group of fans, sips iced tea, and babbles on and on with these retarded factoids to people about the Falcons. In a nutshell, he's still annoying as all hell. I avoided talking to Jittery Falcon fan for over 2 months. Wherever he was in the bar, I stayed away from like the plague. Then the inevitable happened, I found myself sitting next to him Sunday right before kickoff. I wasn't too mean. I actually just nodded my head and mumbled "yeah" as he rattled off these inane stats about Matty Ice and whatnot. But then the conversation turned in a different direction entirely. Jittery Falcon Fan asked if I had any kids. I told my same stale and stupid comeback to that question that I've been using for years, "None that I know of, no." Then Jittery Falcon Fan went on a 5 minute rant about how it's really important to have kids. His rationale was that if you have kids you'll have someone to look after you when you're old and decrepit. I'm not making that up. He informed me that he had 3 kids so that when his body starts to go south, one or more of them would be around as some kind of caregiver or nurse or butler. I got very interested at that point. I wondered what woman would procreate with Jittery Falcon Fan to the tune of 3 offspring. So, me being me, I went ahead and asked where he met his wife or whoever had bore the fruits of his crazy loins. Then Jittery Falcon Fan told me his wife was from the Philippines. And that yes, if I was curious, she was a mail order bride. Instead of laughing uncontrollably, I agreed that it would be tough for someone as socially awkward as him to score some American babe and that I couldn't really fault him for going the mail order bride route. I asked him, right as I got up to go out and smoke, "Did you order her postage due?" I came back in and kickoff was underway at that point. I paid no attention to him, as my focus was squarely on the dark world of 11 to 10 (I had particular interest in City of Tampa against the Bolts). Fast forward about 4 hours to 5 o'clock. I was walking towards the men's room in the main part of the Kicken Chicken, having long since lost contact with Jittery Falcon Fan. Then, in one of the booths, I see him. He is sitting next to an Asian looking fat kid, sharing a plate of the inedible cheese fries that the Chicken specializes in. This Asian looking kid had to weigh 2 bills. Did I mention the youngster couldn't have been more than 10? I was super excited. I got to see Jittery Falcon Fan's flesh and blood, one of the 3 people who will care for him when he's on the proverbial deathbed. I ran back to where I was watching Sunday Ticket (the back bar, same as always) and told Brandon he had to go see what I'd just seen for himself. Brandon ran over to that part of the place fast. When he came back after a minute or two, he said, "Damn, that kid's fat." I begged Brandon to take a picture of Jittery Falcon Fan and his behemoth of a half-Asian son. Alas, Brandon wasn't sure how he would broach the idea to Jittery Falcon Fan of taking the proposed photo. I couldn't come up with one either, which is rare for me. I can generally figure out how to talk anyone into almost anything. So, I wish I had a picture for this post of Jittery Falcon Fan, his enormous kid, and the repulsive looking plate of cheese fries they were sharing. But I don't. And I 'm sorry about that.

Those Pesky White Voters...

Which do you think Paris should have chosen???

I was sifting through more news about the big election that was held earlier in the week, and came across some startling information. At least it was to me. Our freshly reelected leader, Barack Hussein Obama, got clobbered by Willard Mitt Romney among white voters. White dudes who wasted time voting Tuesday voted 62% to 35% for Romney. That's right, barely a third of all the white men who voted chose old Barry. White gals voted similarly, 56% to 42% for Romney. I read a few articles by various lefty leaning columnists that used this data to assert that white voters are racist scum. I'm sure some white voters are, but all of them? Even a majority of them? I find that a little hard to believe. What these same columnists fail to mention is that black folks voted for Barry 24 to 1 (96%). Using the same logic, these columnists would have to come to the conclusion that black voters are vastly more racist than white voters. Something that isn't true either. When political pundits throw out that cliche about America being a deeply divided country, is this incredible racial gap in voting pattens what they are talking about? Maybe it should be. I know a number of white folks who voted for our dear friend Barry. They are genuinely liberal for some irrational reason that has always escaped my limited mental faculties. But some of them are pretty good friends of mine too. I hope they don't think a vote against Barry meant that the person casting it was a David Duke supporter. I know many more folks who would never, under any circumstance, not for a second, consider voting for any candidate the Democrat Party ever nominated. Not Barry, or Kerry, or Albert Arnold Gore. That has nothing to do with race. They simply disagree with the Democrat Party. And to paint all of those folks as racists, as folks like Michael Moore, Bill Maher, and most everyone at the MSNBC and Comedy Central are doing, is just wrong.

I mentioned in the last post that I won a little wager on the election, taking Romney -1.5% here in North Carolina. Not only did Romney win here, but the GOP managed to gain control of both houses of the NC State legislature & the Governorship for the 1st time since, hell I don't even know how long, maybe Reconstruction. So, as I was looking through the Faceshit earlier, I noticed a number of my liberal Faceshit friends here in the Old North State were expressing delight with the election results. Which puzzled me greatly. I'm not sure how delighted liberals could be to have Republicans in complete control of the state government. Maybe they like Pat McCrory, but I doubt that...

I was gonna write something about a recent occurrence at a local dive bar, but I gotta run today. I'm going to see The Who tonight & I need to start pre-gaming. Pete Fucking Townshend.

A Barry Awesome Election Night

Just a friendly polling place reminder of who our messiah is...

I'm not sure how many folks were aware of this, and I sure as hell wasn't until last night, but Roseanne Barr ran for president. She really did. Roseanne, the TV icon best known for her breathtaking rendition of the National Anthem at a San Diego Padres game in the 90's, managed to come in 6th place last night. I'm not making that up. About 50,000 voters chose Roseanne Barr to be our next fake leader. I'm guessing I've worked with several of these Roseanne voters over the years, as I've come across many fat women with horrendous singing voices who probably worship her. Granted, she probably would make a poor president. Although she couldn't be much worse than Barry, Mitt, the Libertarian kook, the Socialist kook, and whoever the hell came in 5th...

I wasn't following the big election results too closely last night. I had a much keener interest in what was happening at the Glass Bowl in Toledo, Ohio (and thank you to the boys from Muncie, as Ball State got the outright win). But I was strolling down to the end of the bar every so often where several brothers were watching the returns with bated breath (I'm guessing they weren't pulling for that Mormon). The reason I was doing so was because I had a bet on the election. I ran across some kid at RumbleForeskins last Saturday during college football. One of those tedious political ads came on one of the televisions at one point and I made some snide comment about it. Then I got to talking to this kid about the election. Turns out he was a big Barry lover. A huge Barry lover. As we conversed I expressed my opinion that Willard Mitt Romney would win North Carolina. This kid scoffed at me. I said, "I'm pretty certain. Don't get your hopes up." I thought that would be the end of my little political chat for the afternoon. But this Barry worshipper wouldn't drop it. Finally, the kid offered to bet me on the outcome here in the Tar Heel state. I jumped at that. I even told him I'd give him 1.5%. He jumped at that. We agreed on a $100 wager. I giggled and told Brandon that I was gonna make the easiest hundred bucks anyone has ever made. And I'll be damned, but I was right. Turns out old Mitt won North Carolina by about 2.2% (50.6% to 48.4%). And I wanna thank Mr Romney for doing me this one huge favor as he exits from the public stage and enters the ash heap of history. So, thanks there Willard. After the Obama loving kid took off from the bar, I asked the chick who helps my man Tommy out on Saturday afternoons if she knew the kid and did she think he's good for the dough. She said that the Barry fanatic is in the joint quite often and that he would pay up. I'll stop in Rumbles Saturday as always and see if the kid is in there. My guess is, being an Obama voter, the kid will try and pay me in food stamps...

Another interesting thing about the big election yesterday is that our dear leader, one Barack Hussein Obama, got about 8 million fewer votes this time around compared to the halcyon days of "chope" back in 2008. Barry received over 66 million votes last time and only 58 million votes this time. Where were all his people? We know only 50,000 of them voted for Roseanne Barr. What the hell happened to the rest? I would speculate that many of those 8 million voters from 2008 have either become disillusioned with Barry or they're in the can somewhere...

I also saw where half the people who showed up to vote, and you know who you are you poor suckers, blamed the dismal economic news that's crippled this country during Barry's awesome tenure, on old W. These folks gave Barry a pass for his failed turn in the old throne of power. Very interesting rationale there. Then again, no one ever went broke banking on the ignorance of the American voter. Kudos to Barry there. He successfully banked on sheer stupidity to get another try in assuming the position of power. I wish Barry and his merry band of socialist misfits the best the next term. And just think, 4 years from now, if I'm still alive somehow, I can write all about Joe Biden's landslide victory. Those will be great days. Tremendous fucking days indeed. I can't wait for that shit...

The Election Forecast

Somewhere, Heath Ledger Is Not Happy

The big silly election is just days away now. And I can't believe what I'm about to write, but Willard Mitt Romney has a very good chance of winning. Something unthinkable to me just a month ago. I have spent a number of hours this week looking into polling data in a number of key states. The fact is that Romney could get over 290 electoral votes. Even more incredible is this - Romney could win even if he loses Ohio. I'm not saying Romney will win. But it is somewhat likely. Somehow. Putting my general disdain for both candidates aside when looking at the numbers, here is how Willard Mitt Romney could become the 45th POTUS. If you start with all the states John Sidney McCain won in 2008 and assume all of them will go to Romney, a very safe assumption I might add, he has 180. He only needs 90 more to get to 270. The first thing that has to happen is easy enough, Romney needs to win back Indiana and North Carolina. That's 26 electoral votes right there. Romney then needs 64 more. It's looking like there's a great chance Romney will win Florida and Virginia from Barry. That's 42 electoral votes. Romney only needs 22 more. And he could get them a number of ways. These are the states in play in my opinion - Ohio (18 votes), Wisconsin (10 votes), Colorado (9 votes), Iowa (6 votes), and New Hampshire (4 votes). Romney could get those last 22 even if he loses Ohio. It would be unlikely, but it could happen. Amazing...

I haven't paying any attention to the actual campaign. It's more unwatchable than a Sun Belt football game between the FIU Golden Panthers and the FAU Owls (a game that will be played later this month by the way - set your DVR accordingly). This campaign has been depressingly stupid for months. Not that I expected better. These "debates" they held were farces. They weren't debates. They featured 2 terrible debaters screaming nonsense at each other and the poor folks in the audiences. The Vice-Presidential debate at least had a high level of humor thanks to Joe Biden foaming at the mouth while trying to keep his medically enhanced boner in his pants. The only candidate of the 4 that came out of this process looking respectable was the kid from Wisconsin. Barry, Mitt, & Joe are sad in various ways. No matter what happens I think the sentiment among reasonable people is that at least it will all be over. No more hearing, "I'm Barry Obama and I approved these vicious lies." Or "I'm Mitt Romney and I approved coming across like the most liberal Republican to run for president since Richard Milhous Nixon." At least we can get back to endless commercials featuring Lebron James hawking cell phones.

And please remember this, this is actually important, whoever wins next week, it's not the end of the world. I don't vote. Why would I waste a perfectly nice Tuesday evening voting??? But if I did vote, my premise for voting Romney would be as follows: the guy in there now has epically failed, now Romney might also epically fail, but he might not. Why vote for a proven failure when the other fella might do better??? It's a sad way to decide a president, I'll grant you that. But it would be the most compelling reason to vote for Romney. Because on his own merits, there is little compelling about Romney. He seems like a bit of a douche, to be honest. Now, if our dear friend Barry does win reelection, don't get upset. It's not worth your effort. Why? Because seconds after claiming victory, Barry will be a lame duck. He'll be fighting with John Boner and his crew same as ever. Nothing will change, just 4 more years of misery for everyday folks. There's always that to look forward to. Good times...

On a lighter note, did you know that the Washington football team of the NFL will decide this election on Sunday afternoon against Cam Newton? It's true. Every election since 1940, if the Washington professional football team wins their final home game before the presidential election, the party in power stays in power. When they lose their final home game before the election, the other party swoops into power. I'm guessing Willard Mitt Romney will be the biggest Cam Newton fan in the world Sunday afternoon...

Sorry for the lack of posts here recently. I've been super busy getting ready for basketball season, both NBA and college. That and having a very middling year betting on football thus far. Alas, ...