2010 In Review: Looking Back At Nothing Happening

2010 is quickly disappearing as I type this garbage of a blog post. Less than 12 hours remain. And really, can't we say good riddance to this abomination (or Obama Nation if you like) of a year? Nothing much really happened. Then again, nothing much ever really happens, does it? But that being said, I'm bored and sitting at Generic Bread on Lawndale. I have time to kill before the Sun Bowl starts in an hour and a half (I decided to stay away from the Muffler Bowl in Charlotte - I still like the Bulls however). Speaking of bowl games, if you bet my 2 big picks on Wednesday (Ok State and Over in UMD/ECU) you should be set for the New Year. They both hit. Anyway, getting back to killing some time today...

On a side note, it must be geriatric day at Generic Bread. There must be 30 folks in here over 75. Lots of blue hair and talk of hospice...

Now I'm gonna hand out some year end TBFH awards. I'll do them until I get bored of typing or need to leave to watch the Papists against Thug U, either way. By the way, there are no actual awards (in a physical sense). So if any of the winners want something for their sweet victory, they need to show up at Wing Joint on a random Thursday night and have Q buy them a Hennesy. He will be happy to oblige you. As for me, I'll be laying low. Way on the down low.

Photographer of the Year - Speaking of Q, he wins in a runaway. Q is particularly adept at not saving pictures he's taken. So it's basically like he never really took them in the first place. Awesome. And as a result of this award, Q can buy himself an extra Hennesy on a random Thursday in 2011.

Athlete of the Year - Landon Donovan. It's not even close. That goal against Algeria will never be forgotten. Nor should it.

Movie of the Year - Nailin Palin. I haven't seen this film personally, but I have it on great authority that it's awesome. That great authority is none other than my friend Dave. And unlike me, Dave has seen lots of films that have been released this year. He knows his movies. The only 2 films I've seen that were released this year are I'm Still Here and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. That's it. Dave swears by Nailin Palin. He says it's on par with the A Team movie that came out back in May. High, high praise there.

News Story of the Year - As all of you know, I don't follow the news very closely. But for me this is easy - Boner's suicide. Andrew Koenig killed himself back in February. Readers of this blog will recall that I took time to mention it back then. I was devastated. Koenig played Boner on Growing Pains. Possibly the cheesiest of all the cheesy 80's sitcoms (Family Ties is close). When a Boner dies, there is great sadness. There should be great sadness. Every Boner is priceless and should be cherished. We will miss you Boner.

Most Nauseating ESPN Hype Machine Thing of the Year - King James, or as I call him, the new Scottie Pippen. The hype started back last winter. Continued through the "I'm taking my talents to South Beach" summer. And is still going strong nightly. There has never been more hype for someone who has accomplished so little. In fact, the new Scottie Pippen realized how over-hyped he was himself when he decided to become Wade's second banana. I give James credit there. But someone needs to tell ESPN this. They are under the illusion that James has won something of import. He hasn't. In fact he quit on his team against Boston in the playoffs. No one mentions that on ESPN however (at least no one I'm aware of).

NASCAR Driver of the Year - My favorite Frenchmen, one Clint Bowyer. Bowyer was on fire this year. And by on fire, I mean he came in dead last in the contrived and impossible to care about Chase for the Cum Crusty Sprint Cup. Well done, Bowyer. I will be pulling for him again in 2011 - in every race. And by every race I mean that 10 or 15 times during the year I'll ask Brandon how my man Bowyer is doing. And then Brandon will give me a vague answer. It will be cool.

TV Show of the Year - Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I'm addicted to this crap. My girl Trout Mouth is scary. Kyle resembles Demi Moore. Camille is one of the worst people on the face of the earth (her soon-to-be ex Kelsey Grammer would agree with me). Kim is stupid. The other 2 chicks I actually like - the Maloof woman and the British chick. I hope they never cancel this show. I wish there were daily episodes. It's brilliant.

College Football Game of the Year - Boise/Nevada on Nov. 26 in Reno. Go away bandwagon jumping front-running Bronco lovers. Bye bye.

Best College Hoops Game of the Year - BYU/UF - NCAA Tourney Round 1. Jimmer Fredette torched the Gators for 37 in this double overtime thriller. Jimmer Fucking Fredette.

Most Annoying Barfly of the Year - Gotta be Bill from Cleveland. Bill manages to continuously annoy long after you think there's no way he can any longer. So, there's that. What with the wrestling stories, the Marine stories, the constant woe is me, and his taking valuable TV space by demanding the Tribe games be on even when the Tribe was 30 games out. For all that and more, it's Bill.

Best Barfly of the Year - Big Chris. I haven't seen Big Chris since he was banned from the Wing Joint back in May for trying to trade weed for beer. I did a whole blog post about him around that time. Go back and read it if you haven't.

Bartender of the Year - With all due respect to my friend Dave, my man Scuba, and Tommy from RumbleForeskins, it's gotta be Kate from The Butler Did It. Or maybe the tatted chick at Ass Traps. Either way, you can't g wrong.

Blogger of the Year - Geilfuss. The kid managed to have 2 blogs go defunct this year. Maybe a 3rd is coming in 2011??? We can only hope.

Person of the Year - The biggest honor I can bestow and the last of these stupid awards - Barack Hussein Obama. Remember, if it wasn't for Barry there would be no TBFH. And wouldn't that be a damn shame?

The Devil Inside

Bowling For Dollars

The highly irrelevant and mostly pointless bowl week is upon us once more, like clockwork every year just after Christmas and running until New Year's Day. But, before I get to breaking down these mighty bowl matchups, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the huge development yesterday out of Emirates Stadium, located in Islington, London - just a stone's throw from Holloway Rd. My Gunners, the only professional sports team I actually root for other than a certain ballclub located right along the Ohio River, crucified Chelsea 3-1. It was maybe the best day of the year. Damn close anyway.

As for these pesky bowl games -

Champs Sports Bowl: NCSU +3 vs WVU - Take the Pack. The Mountaineers are in some disarray at the moment, to put it mildly. I have no clue what the thought was behind this coaching transition that is gonna be implemented over the next 12 months or so. It can't be good for morale though. Also, I read that WVU has practiced a grand total of 7 times the past 3 weeks. Expect Russell Wilson and the Pack to pull out an outright win.

Insight Bowl: Mizzu -2&1/2 vs Iowa - I'm always curious about how much insight is actually involved when being chosen for the Insight Bowl. Ricky Stanzi doesn't strike me as having a lot of insight vis a vis reading coverages, but he'll be heaving it around tonight nonetheless. This is a tough game to call. On one hand, Iowa has been pretty much money in bowl games. On the other hand, their best running back is out and they were in a free fall to end the season. If you want action on this battle in Tempe, I would tease the Tigers to dogs and the under up to 53 myself.

Military Bowl: ECU vs The Terps - Total 68: Take the over. The Pirates have been playing games in the 90's recently. Their defense sucks and they throw the ball on almost every down. I am gonna put my whole account on the line on this over. As far as these schools playing in the Military Bowl, I don't quite get it. Greenville, NC is known for partying. Hard. And College Park can hardly be called a bastion of military love. You'd think the hosts of this bowl game would get an actual military academy (all 3 were bowl eligible) to play in this game. Baffling.

Texas Bowl: Illinois vs Baylor: I have no interest in betting this game. Both teams are hard to get a read on. Baylor will put everything they've got into winning, as this is the school's first bowl game in 16 years or something. But the Bears cannot stop the run. And the Illini can run it when they are trying to play. Maybe tease Baylor and the over?

Alamo Bowl: Arizona vs Ok State -4&1/2 - I love the Cowboys in this one. The Cats stumbled down the stretch, and their defense disappeared for the most part in those games. And Ok State has the weapons, the mentality, and the coach to score and score and score. Plus, this battle is taking place in San Antonio, home of several of my favorite dive bars in the known world. Club Scandals being one, obviously.

Armed Forces Bowl: Army vs SMU -7: At least they got a school associated with the armed forces to play in this one. That's more than can be said for the Military Bowl. This one is a home game for the boys from Highland Park (my Scots). I like the Ponies here. Army never beat a good team all season. Also of note is the fact that I spent my freshmen year of college in Cockrell Hall room 250. And I guarantee you that me and my roommate John Massey were the only kids who flew the Stars and Bars in our window and had a picture of Adolf Hitler on our door. Amazingly, no one complained.

Pinstripe Bowl: K State +1 vs The Orange - I like the Wildcats here. The Cuse struggled at the end of the season and K State can run the damn football. Probably a low scoring affair here. This one is being played in the Bronx for some reason. At Yankee Stadium no less. Maybe Cliff Lee will show up to further piss off Yankee fans. That would be cool.

Music City Bowl: UNC -2 vs Rocky Top - I have zero interest in betting this game. But if you wanna have a financial interest in this contest, go with Smokey over that silly Ram. That is IF the Vols bring the real Smokey to Nashville. If it's that fake Smokey, some kid in a mascot costume, stay away.

Holiday Bowl: Washington +14 vs The Corn - These squads played in Seattle back in September and The Corn crushed the Huskies. So, revenge should be on Washington's mind. And they're getting plenty of points. I'd be tempted to take the dog here.

Meineke Bowl: USF +5&1/2 vs Clemson - I don't know why the Tigers are this high a favorite. They will have a considerable home crowd type advantage, but other than that...I like the Bulls to cover and it wouldn't surprise me if they won outright. As far as the Meineke nature of this game, maybe they'll give out used mufflers to fans entering the stadium. Then Tiger fans could hoist the used mufflers at Dabo Swinney if they become particularly displeased.

Sun Bowl: Papists +3 vs Thug U - It should be fun to watch. Well, maybe not. Unless Michael Irvin and Rocket Ismail show up. Then all bets are off. By the way, speaking of Rocket Ismail, McDonald's came out with something called the Rocket Burger in the late 90's here in NC. And it was terrible. I'm digressing. I like the Irish in this game. Thug U is in upheaval at the moment. And the Papists were playing good ball at the end of the season.

Liberty Bowl: UCF vs UGA -6&1/2 - I like the Dawgs. Richt has been good in bowl games. UGA's young quarterback was playing really well the last half of the season. And AJ Green will be out there in his last college game. He should terrorize the Knights' secondary.

Chicken Sandwich Bowl: FSU +3 vs The Cocks - The old ball coach, one Steve Superior, has been terrible in bowl games recently. I don't know why that would change this week. I think the wrong team is favored personally. Take the Noles.

Ticket City Bowl: NW +9&1/2 vs T Tech - While NW is without Dan Persa for this game, Pat Fitzgerald has had a month to prepare and I love getting this many points with the Wildcats. One does have to wonder where exactly is Ticket City? Just south of Dundalk??? Just east of Hickory??? Right outside City of Tampa???

Capital One Bowl: Bama vs Mich State +10 - I wouldn't step out here too much. The line is too high to bet the Tide, but the Spartans are without some key receivers.

Outback Bowl: Speaking of City of Tampa... Penn St +7 vs UF - Take the points. The Gators should win this game, but they were playing like garbage at the end of the year. The Lions think they are a team on the rise next year. We'll see about that. But they do seem to really care about winning this game. As far as Urban Meyer and his leaving the Gators, does anyone really care anymore???

Gator Bowl: Michigan vs Miss St -4&1/2 - I cannot bet the Wolverines. Their defense is an abomination. Expect plenty of points here. Go over the 59.

Rose Bowl: TCU vs Wisconsin +3 - Huge game and it will be fascinating to watch. I expect the Badgers to have success running the football. Their offensive line is the best in the country and they have 3 capable backs. I like Andy Dalton more than Tolzein, but that's really the only edge the Frogs have. However, TCU will be trying to make a statement. Phony pride and all that. Playing for the "little guy." Whatever. Over the course of 60 minutes the Badgers should win this game outright. The wrong team is favored.

Fiesta Bowl: UConn +17 vs Oklahoma - This line is about 6 points too high. Randy Edsall will have his boys ready to play. And they can run the football. This is strictly a situational bet - no disrespect to the Sooners.

Okay, enough of that.

Listen Like Thieves

The Faithful Are Coming

My Christmas gift to all the faithful readers of this intellectually vapid blog is this - get a copy of Harvey Birdman Season 1 & watch an episode from that season titled Blackwatch Plaid. You will not be sorry for the effort. Why, you may be wondering? Well, that particular episode of Harvey Birdman not only features Harvey (my man Gary Cole) being Harvey, but more importantly it features my main, main, main man - Secret Fucking Squirrel, who is on trial for flashing some chick. The whole episode is just about the most entertaining 8 or 10 minutes you will ever witness.

Speaking of Secret Squirrel, I got a Christmas package in the mail the other day from Andy, Mary, and Mama Stills. And inside was a limited edition picture of Secret Squirrel using some kind of advanced computer technology. It's hard to describe. I'll try and find a copy online and put it at the top of this post. Hold on...Well, I found it and downloaded it, but you really have to see it in person. It basically consists of a montage of cel images from the show that were mixed together to form an image of Secret Squirrel. The online image doesn't do how cool it looks justice. Anyway, I wanted to say a big thanks to Andy, Mary, & Mama Stills - it might be the best gift I've ever received.

Speaking of Harvey Birdman, I'd love for them to do one more episode featuring Harvey defending an animated likeness of the Birdman, my man Chris Anderson. They could call it: Two Birdmen In The Hand.

I made it out yesterday afternoon to buy just a couple of gifts for someone and made the mistake of going into the Red Dot Store on Wendover. As I was aimlessly wandering the aisles waiting for inspiration to strike, I overheard a very heated conversation between what I could only assume were a mother/son out looking for last minute gifts. The basic point of contention between this mother/son duo seemed to center around bra size - which struck me as very odd considering the son was around 13 and the mother had a not super voluptuous bosom. The son was begging the mom to buy a 36C. And the mom kept insisting that a 34B was sufficient. Did I mention that the conversation was not happening in the lingerie area of the Red Dot Store? In fact, this mother/son pair was smack in the middle of the baby aisle looking at the various options as far as powders and oils. Very odd. I didn't want to linger too long attempting to eavesdrop on their conversation. But the fake journalist in me got the best of me momentarily and I went to the next aisle where they have the baby seats and carriages. While standing there I overheard the mother, a somewhat fetching blonde I might add, drop this nugget of information that clarified things for me: "Honey, you're already getting plenty of KY in your stocking. I don't think you need baby oil as well. Mommy really likes it when we use the KY. " I raced toward the exit, dropped the few trinkets I was contemplating purchasing in the book area, and bolted out of that Red Dot Store. I can't see going back anytime soon either.

I haven't had an opportunity to see any of the holiday movies that tent to be aired to exhaustion this time of year. I guess I've been too caught up in football, hoops, and binge drinking here lately. Big shocker there! The one film I wish some network would air is Ernest Saves Christmas. It is perhaps the worst piece of cinematic crap ever made about Christmas. I highly recommend it for just that reason. It's so unwatchable that it's entertainingly unwatchable, if that makes sense.

It's been said that the Christmas season is the #1 time of year for suicides. Which is understandable if someone is subjected to multiple listenings of Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. That very "song" came on the radio the other day as I was tooling around the Gate City. If I'd have had a gun handy, I might have shot myself on the spot. Whoever liked that terrible garbage? And why? Why? Why?

I got into an interesting conversation with some chick a number of years ago about Santa's elves. I was speculating what their jobs involved during the slow times of the year when there wasn't much work available. This chick said the elves probably collect unemployment benefits, food stamps, etc. I wasn't totally inclined to disagree with her. But my thoughts on how these elves passed the time when work was scarce at the old toy shop involved performing hourly fellatio on jolly old St Nick.

Looks like we might get a few inches of snow tomorrow at some point. And for those readers here in Greensboro, in case you don't get a chance to catch WFMY News 2's coverage of this weather event, remember - you may wanna go ahead and buy a shovel to move the snow off your driveway.

All right, I'm quitting for the day. I hope everyone has a nice Christmas. Ho, Ho. Ho.

Disappear

Trivial Perfection

I just saw something about Rex Ryan having a foot fetish. I declined to read the article exploring this foot-loving freakiness. I don't want to know about Rex Ryan's fetishes. But I am left to wonder if this foot fetish of Rex's involves one or both of the feet of the Mexican Joe Montana, one Mark Sanchez. Because if that is indeed the case then we cross over to a double fetish - involving feet and Mexicans. Not to mention two other troubling aspects of such a seedy thought, 1) Ryan's massive girth, and 2) the homoerotic nature of the whole notion. Can't you just picture Rex in the locker room with a taco in one hand and Sanchez's right foot in the other? Both smothered in salsa, sour cream, and guacamole.

I was chatting with Brandon the other night about the dark world of 11 to 10 (many of our conversations revolve around gambling matters) and talk turned to college hoops. I made the point to the kid that if Jimmer Fredette played in the ACC or Big East, he would be the biggest star in the entire country right now. Bar none. As it is, you have to hope that BYU games are carried by Mountain Network to catch a regular glimpse into the genius that is Jimmer Fredette. Jimmer will remain a folk hero to some of us (most notably Geilfuss, the kid has an unhealthy fixation on Jimmer). And an unknown to the masses of moronic east-coast focused hoop fans. That is, he'll remain unknown until he leads the Cougars on a deep run in the NCAA tournament. Then the ESPN hype-machine, in cahoots with the tedious CBS coverage of the tourney, will shove Jimmer down our throats to a nauseating level. Maybe it's better if Jimmer remains a folk hero. Yes, it's definitely better.

That same night I was chatting with Derek, Dave, Omar, and Steve about this and that basketball related (we had flipped the TV to NBA TV after the MNF game). Derek brought up the fact that there is some movement within NBA circles to permanently retire the #23. I know King James, or as I like to call him - the new Scottie Pippen, has pushed for this in the past. And the whole idea of retiring the #23 is so beyond absurd that it's laughable. MLB retired the #42 several years ago (although the Ice Man still wears it for the Yankees). Whether you agree with MLB or not for retiring the #42, if the NBA follows suit and retires the #23, there is then a tacit equivalence between Jordan and Robinson. That's where I have a big problem with the idea. Jordan is the best basketball player I've ever seen. Robinson was very good for the Dodgers, but MLB did not retire the #42 because Robinson was very good for the Dodgers. It was because of the groundbreaking nature of what Robinson accomplished and the hate he endured by racist fans all over the National League. Hate he endured with class and grace by the way (if you wanna read a great biography, get the Robinson book by Arnold Rampersad - Andy has my copy - no doubt hidden under a mountain of other books in his basement...). When we look closely at what Jordan "endured" off the court, matters of massive gambling, horrible tipping at high-end restaurants, and extraordinary womanizing (including friends' wives -allegedly {that's you Rick Fox}) come to mind. Not exactly the same as Robinson, is it? Now, you may say, "TBFH, what about the #99, hasn't the NHL permanently retired it?" And you'd be right. The NHL did retire the #99 for good. And I don't think it was only because Gretzky was the best hockey player ever. My guess is that the retirement of the #99 had more to do with Gretzky's popularizing hockey in the United States to such a level that teams exist in hockey hotbeds like Miami, Nashville, Raleigh, and Phoenix. The NBA did expand to Vancouver and Toronto during Jordan's heyday, but not because of him. The whole debate is silly. But it does make for interesting late-night bar chatter. And I guess that's something at least.

Rare night at the old live team trivia yesterday - we had a perfect game. Every answer correct. 23 for 23. And I give all the credit to myself. And I should. I was on fire. I was even pulling Bible and science answers out of my ass. The best aspect of the perfect game was the final question. It involved 2008 baby names. And the answer was my man Barry, or Barack as the little people call him. Those of us down with Barry call Barry Barry. Anyway, perfect games are rare. I had a couple down in the ATL, and God knows we came close a number of times up in and around the town Elaine Benes is from. It's a completely meaningless accomplishment of course. I'm aware of that. But, if you're gonna waste the time to play the stupid game, you might as well aim for perfection - I see no other reason to bother showing up.

The hostess at the live team trivia was a dimwitted blonde who has trouble pronouncing words. For instance, she called a thesaurus a "thesur" last week. And the woman couldn't say the word insurrection to save her life last night. But my favorite example of her gross incompetence came when she revealed the answer to what current world leader is the shortest in stature. We turned the correct answer in quickly. Then Phil's wife and Mandy (by the way, props to Mandy as she was vital in answering a question about Love And Other Drugs) had to listen to me go off on the possible size of Barack Hussein Obama's tool for 2 minutes. I digress... Anyway, when the slightly retarded blonde running the game announced the correct response to the question about the world's most diminutive leader, here is exactly what she said: "Kim Jong the Second."

After the trivia game the Operator of the Wing Joint came by and was throwing out the idea that she would like to get an all-star team consisting of players from the various teams at the Wing Joint to travel to another bar and take on teams there. She stated that I would be vital to such an undertaking. When she told me her idea, I declined to be a part of any such team. In fact, I informed the Operator of the Wing Joint that she needs to be sure to let me know when and where this all-star scheme of hers would take place. Why, you may wonder? Because I would show up at said joint and play against this all-star team by myself. And that would drive the Operator of the Wing Joint crazy. That alone is reason enough to do it. That and the fact I don't play well with others, obviously.

That merriest of merry seasons is upon us yet again and I'm gonna try to get another post up before Saturday. But if I don't, I'd encourage newer readers of this blog to go back and read Christmas posts from the past. Namely one titled The Real Meaninglessness Of Christmas from 2008 & another titled Way In The Manger from last year. Fond Yuletide memories from a delusional mind can be found in both.

Bitter Tears

Gazing Into the Crystal Ball Of 2012 Presidential Politics

I wasn't ever gonna say anything about the following, but the nauseating ESPN hype-machine has forced me to. The UConn lady Huskies have "tied" the John Wooden led UCLA Bruins all-time consecutive win streak at 88. And first of all, congratulations to these Husky ladies - well done. Blah, blah, blah. But to in any way compare the 2 streaks is absurd. And insulting to any reasonable fan's intelligence. The only way these 2 streaks are similar is numerical. Other than that, it's like comparing apples to dildos or something like dildos. Comparing the 2 accomplishments is akin to saying that Sadaharu Oh is the greatest home run hitter of all time at 868. Or like asserting that Dick Trickle is the greatest race car driver of all time because he won 1,000 short track races in his career around the Midwest. You simply can't compare the streak that the Husky ladies enjoy with anything that has happened in men's basketball. But, according to ESPN, there is some asinine equivalence between the 2. It's laughable and, although we didn't need it, further proof that the shameless ESPN hype-machine is a farce.

I promised back in the summer that I was gonna handicap the 2012 race for the White House before the end of the year. And today seems as good as any day to do so, considering that the year is not yet over and all.

First on the Democrat Party side of things, it will be Barry running again. I wasn't too sure of this for many months. But Barry's actions the past 6 weeks clearly indicate he plans to seek another term. He's been very slick in turning on his own lefty base and cutting a deal with the GOP over tax rates. Now, Barry could well be challenged in the primaries if he continues a move to the center, or the more reasonable as I like to call it. But he need not worry about a challenger. The only type of person who would be foolish enough to challenge Barry is Howard Dean or a Howard Dean type. And that type of way out "progressive" appeals to about 1/3 of the Democrat Party and about an 1/8 of the general electorate. In other words, Dean or the Dean-like candidacy would be dead in the water, a nonstarter. Barry wouldn't even have to show up once in New Hampshire to crush such an insurgency. So, barring something terribly unforeseen, it will be Barry. And I'd say this, as far as Barry getting a 2nd term: it depends on 2 factors, 1) who his opponent is (which I'm about to get to) a 2) how far Barry is willing to go to compromise with voters' wishes and sign GOP driven legislation. If Barry continues down the path he's currently going as far as rebuking the nutty ideas so prevalent in the left-wing of his party, he has a decent shot. He really does. Only time will tell. I'd pay particular attention to what goes down between January and August of next year as far as seeing just how much Barry is willing to be flexible with his own espoused beliefs. It will be interesting. Now, if things don't go so well and Barry acquiesces to the fringe of the Democrat Party, the GOP will have a good chance to unseat him. IF THEY NOMINATE THE RIGHT PERSON...

Which brings me to the Republicans. No one has officially announced yet. So what you are about to read is admittedly speculation on my part. But informed speculation. Speculation that should carry some weight based on my track record on this blog the past 2 years predicting what is gonna happen politically. First, eliminate any sitting senators from consideration. They can't win for the GOP. McCain and Dole being the most recent 2 examples. Maybe, maybe, maybe down the line a Rubio could be a very desirable candidate for the Republicans. But not in 22 and 1/2 months. Let's see what the guy does the next 6 years. I'm cautiously optimistic Rubio will be very good. Anyway, as I said, eliminate senators for 2012. The Grahams, DeMints, Coburns- they have no shot. So, we need to look at governors and ex-governors. And that's where all the real challengers are for Barry's job. In order to win the White House a Republican candidate is gonna have to perform similarly to W in 2004. The 3 most important states are still gonna be Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Florida (all wins for Barry last time). So, the GOP must nominate someone who can take 2 of the 3 and win all the other states W won against John Kerry. Which governor or ex-governor is best suited to do so? Let's eliminate them one by one. Mike Huckabee - I wouldn't bet on him. He's too rural and religious and will be hard pressed to do well in GOP primaries north of Tennessee and west of Oklahoma. Plus Huckabee should get hammered on law and order issues. Hammered. Haley Barbour- no. He will not appeal to suburban voters in any of the 3 key states I mentioned. He should be a no-go from the start. Bobby Jindal - the Democrats would have a field day with him for one thing. Also, I don't see his appeal as reaching key swing voters in many key states. I really don't. Sarah Palin - believe it or not, she would have a chance against Barry, but not the best chance. If Palin does run in GOP primaries, she will do well. Don't dismiss her out of hand. But I think one of the following will emerge to beat her for the nomination. Mitt Romney - personally I think he'd be terrible, but putting that aside, he has a well-oiled political machine about to gear up here soon. Romney would be formidable. He could beat Barry. But he came across as a smarmy flip-flopper last time and I don't know how much he can change that impression among swing voters. His nomination might bring Michigan into play for the Republicans though. Still, I think there are 2 better options. Again neither of these gentlemen have announced they are running. But we can hope at least one does and performs competently against both Palin and Romney and emerges in mid-March or April 2012 as the presumptive nominee. Mitch Daniels - he could beat Barry under the right conditions. He's smart, successful, and likable. And most importantly, Daniels would appeal to moderate Democrat voters. Daniels would be fine. Of course, as I said, he may not be running. My top choice for beating Barry is Tim Pawlenty. I think the man could potentially get over 320 electoral votes in the right political atmosphere against Barry. He's just a year older than Barry so he wouldn't be seen as some stupid old white man by younger voters. Pawlenty also has a track record that should appeal to a nationally diverse electorate. And he can go toe-to-toe with Barry as far as connecting to regular voters when giving a campaign speech. There you go. We'll see over the next 3-5 months how many of these viable GOP candidates announce they are running.

By the way, none of the analysis above reflects who I personally would like to win - just who is most likely to win. My personal choice would be Ron or Rand Paul, obviously. But neither has any chance. So, ...

I've seen these constantly running ads for something called Little Fockers that is set to open here Wednesday. And anyone who pays to see this derivative piece of shit should be ashamed. It's nothing but a money grab for Stiller, De Niro, Streisand, and Hoffman. They're all better than this - even Streisand.

The rest just begins to fade by itself

That's a trick I learned though it took so long

Learning Sociology At The Sports Bar

A touch of winter weather has come to the Gate City this morning - about 1/10th an inch of ice to be precise. The local TV stations have been treating this almost non-weather event as if Armageddon has struck the city. I spent about an hour watching News 2's coverage this morning and the reporting amounted to little more than pushing panic on the citizenry. One unintentionally funny segment was all about the various types of ice melt available and the best way to use the ice melt. I wonder how many people needed to be told to open the bag of ice melt and spread it liberally over the sidewalk and driveway? The morning hosts also kept imploring would be drivers to stay in the house if they could, but if folks have to get out to go to work they should be careful! Excellent advice. Really, I should be careful on icy roads? Who knew? My favorite tip that WFMY kept shoving down viewers' throats is to be sure to bundle up in the cold. I was gonna wear shorts until this bit of advice was passed along. Now, being that it is about 28 degrees outside, I'm gonna go ahead and put on a sweater and might even don some gloves to keep warm! Thanks News 2! Thanks for continuously insulting my intelligence every time there's a hint of winter weather in the winter.

College hoops has fired up and that means one thing here in Greensboro - the fake Duke fans come out of the woodwork like cockroaches in a Chinese restaurant kitchen. They're everywhere, scurrying aimlessly and waiting to be squashed. The jersey of choice this season seems to be a Scheyer jersey. I've seen half a dozen of them around the sports bars the last month. I engaged one on these Scheyer jersey wearers in a bit of a conversation a few weeks ago during the Devils victory of Tom Izzo. Within 3 minutes I had gotten the standard information I'm always looking for from the fake Dukies. Namely, that the kid didn't go to Duke at all and had no reason for pulling for Coach K other than wanting to be associated with a winner. I tried to delve into the nature of this kid's fragile psyche. After a few more minutes of intense questioning by me, I gleaned that he had the typical fake Duke fan problem - a deep inferiority complex that gets masked for a few hours about 35 days of the year. I'll give this Scheyer loving kid credit for one thing at least - he didn't disagree with my assessment of his latent psychological motives for his irrational Duke fetish. Dave was nearby as I was conversing with the kid (Dave is a rabid Tar Heel fan) and he kept telling me to lay off the kid. Dave even said at one point, "Don't be such an asshole." And Dave might be right there. I do get a perverse kick out of ridiculing fake Duke fans for some reason. It's probably a reflection of my own profoundly sociopathic brain. At least it could be. Why else would I get such pleasure out of tearing down someone else?

As for Scheyer, even though most fake Duke fans are clueless about it, he almost found a home in LA with the Clippers. Unfortunately he was waived back in October. My guess is that he'll find a home playing professionally in Israel at some point - Scheyer is one of the best Jewish ballers to come out of Chicago in the last 5 years, certainly in the top 10.

I was chatting with my buddy Phil during the pointless trivia competition Tuesday evening (we came in 2nd yet again - sickening) and he asked me about the new division names for the expanded Big 10 (there are now 12 members of the Big 10 - if that makes sense). And the names are stupid. Really stupid. They are Leaders and Legends. I have no idea how much money was spent to come up with these names, but whatever the cost, it was too much. Leaders and Legends sounds pretentious. I expressed my misgivings about the Big 10 adding Nebraska some months ago. Of all the schools to add as a 12th member, the Corn would be way down my list. Nebraska is in the Legends division with other legendary programs like Minnesota, NW, Iowa, and Sparty. The whole thing is silly. I am looking forward to next October 8th (if I'm somehow still alive), because on that day TOSU will invade Lincoln to battle the Corn. I can tell you right now to take the Buckeyes by up to 6 points in that contest.

Speaking of TOSU, much is being made in the media about the Buckeyes' ignorance of the state of Arkansas (their opponent in the Sugar Bowl). None of them knew that our impeached ex-fake leader, one William Jefferson Blythe, hails from the Pig Suey state. None of them knew that WalMart was founded there either. One kid did know that John Daly was an Arkansan (something I'd be hard pressed to admit myself). That's about it. If I were a resident of the Hog state, I wouldn't be too offended by TOSU players' complete lack of knowledge about the state. Why would they know anything about it? What's there to know? Nothing of importance. Other than 40 minutes of hell. Everyone should know 40 minutes of hell. My man Corey Beck. And of course, Scotty Thurman. That kid will always hold a place dear in my black as coal heart. Why? Because Thurman hit the game winner in the 94 title game to beat Coach K, Grant Hill, Chris Collins, and other terrible human beings involved with the Duke basketball program at the time.

I was out Scams Brassfield Sunday for the Ticket. And for the first time in memory, there were more Raiders' fans out than fans of any other team. It was a pretty stunning development, considering Pittsburgh, Washington, and Cleveland were playing at the time. I would have felt kind of bad for the Raider fans after that last minute, season killing loss to the Jags. Except for the fact that they are so clueless about what is actually happening during an NFL game. One girl in a Rice jersey wanted a review on virtually every play of the 4th quarter. Another Hispanic Raider fan with a chubby blonde girlfriend kept screaming for the Raiders to blitz Dave Garrard - a ploy sure to result in long pass plays. It was pretty funny to observe. After Oakland lost by 7, the 5 or 6 Raiders' fans in the bar filed out quietly - left to dream of playoff glory next year. Alas, ...

Brandon's friend Mandy was out with us Sunday at Scams for the football action. She spent some of the afternoon studying for a Sociology exam on her computer. I never took a Sociology class during my pitiful college "career" at TOSU and I was kind of peeking in on Mandy's online study between plays of the early games. I must say I learned a great deal. At one point Mandy was doing a quiz where she had to label various types of household relationships. I was trying to be helpful. I really was. One question involved what you call a situation where an unmarried man and woman are living together. I said, "Shacking up." Another situation involved one man married to 3 ladies. I said, "Mormonism." Yet another described a situation where 1 man, several women, one full set of teeth, and farm animals co-habitat. I guessed, "West Virginian?"

It looks like the new Angie Jolie/Depp film has tanked at the box office for some unknown reason. It's hard to say why this happened. Perhaps all the millions of women who admire Depp so fervently are staying away because Angie is so much hotter than them. Chalk it up to rank jealousy on the part of these masses of Depp lovers.

Just remember, if you're gonna venture out in the cold - wear a coat!!! That's free advice from TBFH to you. You're welcome.

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He Might Be A David

For the first time in the 2 year existence of this pathetic blog, I have received a death threat. Not from who some of you may think though. This death threat was delivered face-to-face last Wednesday night at the Wing Joint on Battleground from a woman named Lacy. She said "You're the worst person I've ever met in my life." And that, "I'm gonna off you, _____." Lacy's point about me being the worst person she's ever met in her life may be totally accurate. I have no way of disputing her assertion, that's for sure. As far as "offing" me, we'll see. They do have knives at Wing Joint. Although I'm not sure how sharp they are. The interesting thing about Lacy's threat is that of all the people I have written about over the life of this blog, both public figures and regular run-of-the-mill folks I've met around this used to be awesome country, I wouldn't categorize my thoughts on Lacy as anything but benign. I could see the Oprahs or Joe Bidens of the world being enraged with the stupid comments I've made about them. But Lacy? Really? I don't think I've ever written an unkind word about her. Very strange.

Our maybe not-so-awful anymore fake leader, one Barack Hussein Obama, has been catching hell from members of his own down in the dumps Democrat Party for coming to a compromise with the GOP over income tax rates in this country. I can't recall such hatred and venom being directed at a sitting head of state by his own party faithful in my lifetime. It's a stunning turn of events for Barry and our maybe not so down and out anymore nation. There were cries of "Fuck him!" from some key and outraged Democrats over this tax rate compromise. It's pretty amusing if you think about it. The very folks who were praising Barry as a veritable messiah just 2 years ago have grown to despise the man more than any of the wacky right-wingers on the fringe of what passes for US political "discourse." The fuck the rich "progressives" in the Democrat Party are showing just how out of touch they are with the vast majority of the people they purport to represent. It's a promising sign, believe me. If Barry can stick to his new found toughness and common sense against these crazed haters of achievement that permeate his own party, he will find that the opinion of him by sensible middle-Americans will skyrocket. After all, if a way out there libertarian like myself can slightly praise the man, he's a) gotta be doing something right and b) just might find himself relevant for the next 2 years. Amazing development.

Big news out of the realm that once ruled the globe, the British Empire. A fake monarch in waiting and his repulsive 2nd wife were attacked recently by an angry mob (come to think of it, is there ever a happy mob?) who wanted to string them up old school style and administer some bizarrely conceived form of social justice. I personally think that all these fake monarchs and fake wannabe monarchs all over the globe are worthless remnants of not so pleasant to remember world history. And I'm not sure what doing away with this would be king and his nasty lover would really accomplish. Maybe rid the world of one more pair of big ears? Other than that...

I've been hesitant to weigh in on the whole Cam Newton situation. When I heard that someone representing him was soliciting payment from a big football factory school for his services last year during his recruitment, I wasn't the slightest bit surprised. Then when I heard that the school in question was a member of the SEC, I figured there could well be lots of fire behind the smoke. Then when the NCAA came out and cleared Newton to play a few weeks ago after a very quick investigation into the matter, I thought, "Hmmm, how odd." I thought that maybe, possibly, Newton was unaware of what was being sought on his behalf. MAYBE. I have no way of knowing. So, I wasn't gonna slam the kid. But after recent comments Newton has made to the media about what he did and didn't know and when he did and didn't know it concerning his own recruitment, and his relationship with his own dad, I think the whole affair smacks of a pack of lies or at least a highly improbable scenario of events that brought Newton to Auburn without serious cheating going on that Cam himself was aware of. Newton claims he's never asked his own father about what went down last fall when Cam was deciding on a school. That seems highly unlikely. If Newton's father asked Miss St for 200 grand or whatever, is it reasonable to think that he might have asked Auburn boosters (or boosters of another school or schools) for a similar amount of dough? And is it plausible that Cam was so passive in his own recruitment that he didn't have any idea about any of this sordid mess going on in his name? There's also something fishy about the fact that the NCAA cleared the kid so quickly. It's pretty unbelievable considering their track record of taking forever to investigate possible infractions. It looks like Newton will walk away with the Heisman Trophy tonight. But I wonder this - should he save himself the shipping costs of returning the award several years down the road? The very costs that plagued Reggie Bush earlier this year. It might be a good idea. Because I have a feeling that some journalist somewhere will unravel the truth behind whatever happened last year during Newton's recruitment as far as what Newton knew and when he knew it. And when that comes out, he'll look really bad for all these misstatements he's been giving the media about this mess. Not to say the kid doesn't deserve the Heisman on merit, you could certainly make a case for him.

This next part is for Brandon. In order: NE/CHI Over 38 (I'm looking at mid 40's at least), DAL +3 &1/2, TB -1, DET +6 &1/2, STL +9 &1/2, SEA +5 &1/2, CAR +7 &1/2, CIN +9.

I was chatting with a woman recently at the place I occasionally show up to work. A strange looking bearded guy walked by. This woman asked if I knew the guy's name. I said, "Not sure, but around here you can't go wrong with guessing David." She laughed and said, "True." And it is true. Half the men who sporadically work there are named David. Also of note is that at the office in Durham where I have occasionally shown up to work the past 11 years, if you are unsure of a guy's name, just guess Bob. It's Bobs everywhere over in the Bull City or City of Medicine or as I like to call it: The People's Republic of Durham.

I was speaking to another woman at the place I occasionally show up to work and she inquired if I'd yet seen Love & Other Drugs (she and I have chatted about movies a number of times over the years). And while I certainly do plan on checking it out down the line, I'm not gonna race to the theater to see it this month. It only got 44% at Rotten Tomatoes. Not that Rotten Tomatoes is always an exact indicator of how good a film might be, but 44% is pretty low for a production with that cast going for it.

After typing that last paragraph I decided to check Rotten Tomatoes for the composite scores for my 3 all-time favorite movies. Here are the results: Rushmore - 87%, Lost In Translation - 94%, A Clockwork Orange - 91%. I don't know what that means.

Now I had heard the WACS recruited old maids for the war

But mommy isn't one of those, I've known her all these years

Sifting Through The Local Weeklies

Some of you might recall a bit of a spat that occurred on this silly blog back in January of this year involving YES! Weekly and its editor or manager or whatever fake title is used at alternative weeklies, one Brice or Bradley or Bruce or Buddy or Brian Clarey (I'm confident it's one of these, but I'm not going back and actually checking). Anyway, Mr Clarey took offense at some stupid throwaway comment I'd made about YES! Weekly and wrote a way overblown attempted rebuke of little old harmless yours truly. I only bring this up because for the first time since then I did leaf through an issue of YES! Weekly. Last week I found the latest sizzling issue sitting on the bar at the Wing Joint on Battleground, and that was when the historic event went down. I will give Mr Clarey credit for one thing - I didn't see the typos and grammatical errors that I recall so fondly from the paper years ago. You'll find errors of that kind in this pointless blog from time to time, as it is terribly difficult to self-edit. And since this retarded blog is a one person operation (and a poorly educated and dimwitted one person at that), I self-edit (or attempt to anyway). Besides the cleaned up grammar and such, what I was mainly struck by is how little of what is in the paper interested me. There was a long piece on a congressman named Brad Miller. I didn't read it. Miller is a terrible human being and a disgrace to this state. He fits right in with the Democrat caucus in Washington, no doubt. YES! Weekly also had several columnists. Back several years ago, YES! Weekly ran Ann Coulter. She wasn't in there. Instead, Mr Clarey runs a column by, and I'm not making this up, Chuck Norris, or someone ghost writing for Mr Norris, either way. I read 2 paragraphs. It was laughably poor. I didn't really notice a local columnist per se. YES! Weekly used to run socialist musings by some old hippie back in the day. I don't remember the dude's name, but he hated W. Hated him. That I remember. After the opinion section of YES! Weekly there wasn't much left to peruse. Movie reviews from some local hack and live music dates - things I have zero interest in. As I got to the back pages of the YES! Weekly there was some sex advice and a NASCAR article of all things - weird combination. I will admit that there were 2 things I saw in the YES! Weekly that really caught my attention. Both were ads of a sort. One was an ad for something called The Playroom. It promised "light" dominance and "role" playing in a safe setting. The ad was quick to mention that it wasn't a sex service, but it sure seemed aimed at folks with some freaky proclivities in the old boudoir. If my phone were working I'd call the number for The Playroom and let everyone know the specific services and prices for the various domination and dress-up sessions. Alas, ... The other thing that caught my eye was another advertisement. This one hyping a book penned by Mr Clarey himself. For $24.95!!! - wow!!! Who will buy this??? For $24.95??? No one, or virtually no one. I didn't see what publishing house was rolling the book out. But for some reason I don't think it was Knopf. Anyway, I wish Mr Clarey luck with peddling this outrageously overpriced book. The title of it, if any readers of this blog are interested in logging onto Amazon and checking it out, is The Doofus Hipster and Other Men I've Picked Up At The Bar. Or something like that. Something close to that. Oh, and how long, you may be wondering, did it take for me to digest the entire YES! Weekly while sitting at the bar last week? Answer: 3-4 minutes. After that Goose walked up and said hello. That was it for me and the glorious YES! Weekly. Maybe I'll check in on it again sometime in 2 or 3 years. Unless I'm dead, then I won't be able to read it very well. There's always that possibility.

Speaking of Greensboro weeklies, I've mentioned before on this blog that I'm a somewhat faithful reader of the Rhino Times - mostly for the NY Times crossword, that always helps pass some time. My favorite part of the Rhino, besides the crossword, is something called Beep. It's awesome. What they do is print phone rants by supposed readers of the Rhino on every topic under the sun. I almost always find at least one that makes me laugh. I don't know how real the rants are though. I will confess to calling in totally fake rants back in the day, utter nonsense and incoherent ramblings. And they often got printed. I don't think I can be the only person in the Gate City to "accomplish" this over the years. In the recent issue there were 2 Beeps commenting on the fact the the UNC Tar Heels were ranked in some pointless basketball poll and they shouldn't be. The fact that one person, let alone two, would take the time to call and complain about this is astonishing. Awesomely astonishing that is. I have also mentioned 2 of the columnists in the Rhino before on this poor attempt at a blog. One, Scotty Roast, I did a whole piece on back in the spring when he was wanting peace between Duke and Carolina fans. Most of his columns bore me pretty fast and I skip right over them. The general impression I get from Roast is that he's a very lonely man who longs for something he can't quite put his finger on (I could be way off on this, but I don't think so). The one really astounding thing that Roast does, and has done for years and years, is run a weekly piece called Scotty's Night Out. He features photos of women in them. Women he finds attractive. And some of the time, the women in these photos are kind of attractive. But a vast majority of the time, the women are nasty, garish looking skanks. It's really off-putting. To each his own and all that, but...yuck! I'll pass on hanging with Roast for a night. For one thing, I'd have him so drunk that God knows who he'd hit on. Moving on...I have also mentioned the other Rhino columnist on this blog before, one Scotty Card - the admitted cultist. Putting aside the man's bizarre Mormonism for a moment, he's also a best-selling author of self-help books or something (A Young Mormon's Guide To Family Circle Jerks, for example). Being a superstar writer, Scotty Card must feel like a bit of an expert on many things. I certainly don't begrudge the man his success. It's not his fault millions of morons want to read his groundbreaking Mormon advice books (How To Get Ejaculate Off The Sacred Undergarments, another example). Anyway, Mr Card writes a column where he kind of covers everything that pops into his head (not unlike this solipsistic piece of shit blog). Often I just kind of scan his musings for something that strikes me as interesting. I skip his thoughts on movies, he thinks Marty Scorsese is a pretentious piece of garbage for instance. But when Mr Card delves into the sordid underbelly that is Mormon living in the Gate City, I'm all eyes, or ears, or something. I particularly enjoy when Mr Card regales readers with tales of family love gone bad and scarring some poor kid for life. Those are very sharp. In a recent issue Scotty Card noted he's working on yet another tome for the sexually adventurous and confused Mormon youth. I'd encourage everyone, while they are at Amazon looking for Mr Clarey's book, to pre-order this sure to be best-seller by Mr Card. I'm not sure of the title, but I think it's something like: Getting Over The Guilt Of Nailing Harry Reid In A Bus Terminal Men's Room. Something along those lines.

Well, it looks like old Barry has turned the corner and might be on the path to sanity. MIGHT BE. Barry announced that he's caving into public will and doing the sensible thing for once in keeping the tax levels where they've been since 2001. Well done Barry. There might be hope for you yet. Now if he'd just undo all his socialist health care deal, then we'd really be headed in the right direction. We'll see. But I did want to give Barry some props after 2 years of ripping him ceaselessly.

Someone asked me about Christmas the other day at Scams Brassfield during Sunday Ticket. Something about "Will you be in town for the Holidays?" And the answer is yes. I don't have anywhere in particular to go. Except on Christmas Eve, we've got the Hawaii Bowl. And on Christmas night, we've got Dallas/Arizona. And then the next day, Sunday Ticket Week 16. So, I explained to this person at Scams Brassfield that I've actually got a lot going on this Christmas. Not like most folks do, I'll admit that. No family or any of that heartwarming garbage. But in my own narcissistic and delusion riddled world, I'll be plenty busy - at the sports bars. There's football. That's enough for me.

I ran into KC last night at Wing Joint and she pleaded with me to never mention her again on this blog. And I caved. So I won't mention KC ever again on this pitiful excuse for a blog. What I'm gonna do is this - I'll start mentioning someone similar to KC named Lacy. That seems like the best way to proceed.

Speaking of last night at Wing Joint, Dave and I got into our typical discussion of current horrible movies he's dying to see. I told him the main film I'm interested in seeing now is Black Swan. It not only is directed by Darren Aronofsky (Pi, The Wrestler) and features that girl from Jerusalem, it also has Winona Ryder. With all that going for it, Black Swan has the chance to be the best movie ever made.

I am out.

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A Quick Look Ahead At The College Football Weekend

Conference championship week is upon us in the seedy world of college football. Let's look at some of the hard hitting action on tap.

MAC Title: NIU (-17&1/2) vs Miami (OH) - Hard not to like the Huskies in this one. They've been destroying teams this season in the MAC. They just put a 71-3 beatdown on E Michigan last week. It's hard to imagine Miami scoring enough to keep up here. Still, I wouldn't throw out too big a bet on that big a favorite in a championship game.

Conference USA: SMU (+9 &1/2) vs UCF - Take the dog and the points. It is a home game for UCF, and they've been tough all year. However, the Ponies have been in almost every game and I expect June Jones to have some tricks up his sleeve.

SEC: S Carolina (+6) vs Auburn - The Cocks are finally for real. And there's that business with the turmoil at Auburn as well. The Tigers are off an emotional and tight win over their arch-rival. Everything points to a tight game where S Carolina should have a great shot to win outright. Take the dog.

ACC: FSU vs V Tech (-4) - I really like the Gobblers in this game. They've won 10 straight. Many of them blowouts. Over the course of 60 minutes, Tech should pull away to a comfortable lead and hold on to get the cover. It's funny, because if the Gobblers had held their 4th quarter lead over Boise way back on Labor Day and then taken care of Jimmy Madison the next week, as they should have, they'd be playing for a perfect regular season. Alas, an ACC Championship will have to do. I do have lots of respect for the Noles. But, not this time FSU fans.

Big 12: Corn (+4 &1/2) vs Oklahoma: I would not throw out much of a bet here. The Big 12 officials seem hell bent on not allowing The Corn to win the conference on their way out the door to the Big 10. And Bob Stoopes has been money in these title games. Stay away.

Other picks - I like Fresno getting 5 at home. The Illini have been impressive at times, but I don't know how they can be up for this game enough to cover as road favorites. La Tech is getting 8 at home against Nevada. Now, I love Nevada. Chris Ault should be coach of the year. But this game has letdown written all over it. Take the home team and the points. Oregon will strut into Corvallis as 16 point favorites against the Beavers. And that is too many points. I really like the Beavers here and wouldn't be shocked if they pull the outright upset. Idaho is my pick of the week. The Vandals need a win to get to a meaningless bowl game. And the schedule gives them SJSU as a gift to get it. The Spartans are one of the 5 or 7 worst teams in division 1. Vegas is also giving a gift to the tune of only laying 14. Lay it. UCLA is hard to get a read on. The Bruins cannot go to a bowl game, even with a win here against USC. And the Trojans are not eligible to go to a bowl game thanks to Pete Carroll. Take the home dog and the 6 &1/2 here. Finally, out on the islands, Hawaii has been awesome this season. They've destroyed teams. UNLV sucks and will probably fire their coach early next week. It's a huge spread (-34 &1/2), but the Warriors could lay 60 on the Rebels, in a heartbeat.

As always, bet with caution. And don't chase. Never chase.

I was out at trivia the other night and the first question was about Ghostbusters. And we missed it. I guess that's the price I pay for never having actually watched the thing all the way through. We came in second on the night. Bitterly disappointing.

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You Know It. I Know It. Bob Dole Knows It.

There seems to be quite a bit in the news regarding something called Wikileaks. I haven't been paying too close attention to the story. But I do wonder what all the fuss is over about pissing. I mean, we all have to pee, right? The whole thing is a little baffling to me. I'm not certain if this Wikileaks deal goes into detail about the various flow issues different government officials are having. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if Joe Biden was having problems with going too often in the middle of the night or Harry Reid had low flow or John Boner had trickling concerns or Barack Hussein Obama had issues spraying pee all over White House bathrooms. Still, do we really need to know any of this? I certainly don't.

Not that too many folks reading this blog care about the following, but it's my blog and I can write about whatever I want. Denard Robinson of Michigan was recently named Big 10 player of the year. And I take great issue with the selection. Robinson was very good this year at 2 things, 1) garnering monster stats against bad teams and 2) garnering meaningless garbage time stats against good teams when the Wolverines were hopelessly behind. Those things and throwing the ball like a Sun Belt QB. Oh, and getting hurt in many games as well. Not to denigrate Robinson personally, he was playing on a team with an historically shitty defense. And I guess he was exciting to watch at times. But remember this, Michigan was 3-5 in conference play. The 3 wins came against Purdue, Indiana, and that triple overtime farce with the Illini. In those games, any decent QB would have put up huge numbers. Against the better teams of the conference, Robinson struggled to keep Michigan competitive, as every defeat was by double digits. The guy who most impacted his team this season in the Big 10 was Dan Persa of NW. But the ESPN hype-machine fueled media would never reward a deserving player from the smallest and only private school in the conference. Would it?

Speaking of Michigan, someone asked me over the weekend if one Rich Rodriguez should be fired. And the answer is - NO! PLEASE NO! What the Wolverine athletic brass should do is give the man a long contract extension. The somewhat phony Mexican has been a godsend thus far. What with the shady dealings regarding the stupid NCAA, players transferring left and right (including Ryan Mallett), the terrible defense, and the fact that U of M has been outscored by TOSU 100 to 24 the last 3 games, I think Mr Rodriguez should be given a lifetime contract. Or at least the same deal Notre Dame gave Charlie Weis after the Irish barely lost to USC back in 2005. That only seems fair. I can hope at least, can't I?

Speaking of the ESPN hype-machine, I'm not sure how many folks waste their time surfing the ESPN.com website. But if you have, you may have come across a blogger in their employ by the name of Adam Rittenberg. The guy "covers" the Big 10 for the site. And by covers, I mean he writes incoherent and farcical pieces about the conference. I'm not sure what the criteria is for landing a prestigious gig blogging about college football for ESPN. But I'm guessing that Rittenberg's hire is some kind of bizzaro world deal where the behind the scenes puppeteers of ESPN tried to get different types of shitty "journalists" to cover each big-time conference for the site. In Mr Rittenberg's case, I think he fills several niches for the hype-machine: 1) the midget/troll niche and 2) the guy who doesn't understand football but writes about it niche. He's awesome in both cases, I'll give the kid that. You may be wondering why I look in on Mr Rittenberg's poorly conceived and executed Big 10 musings from time to time. The answer is that the guy is in tight with SID's at each school and does give a pretty thorough injury report each week - something invaluable to a degenerate gambler like myself. For that I thank Mr Rittenberg. It saves me from going to multiple websites to see who is nicked up or out on any given week.

I ran into Pinky and her sister the other night at the Wing Joint on Battleground. They wanted me to blog about an upscale steak joint and the horrendous service they received there (I think they sent food back 3 times or something ridiculous like that). And I would be happy to oblige them here, but I forget which restaurant it was and the particulars of the problems they encountered there. Why? Well the blame rests squarely with Q. He was out and that means shots of cognac, or something like cognac that no one should be doing shots of. Of course, I had a few. Hence the exact details of Pinky's problems at dinner that evening escape me. What I do remember is Q trying to do work on Pinky's sister and not getting anywhere. I remember that distinctly because I was standing right next to him a good portion of the time and, as always, had to bail his ass out from some comment/pick up line he was throwing out there. I'm good at getting girls to laugh - even when they're slightly peeved. It's a strength. And you gotta go with your strengths. Plus Q is one of my best friends, there's that too.

Yet another truly terrible show is being aired by that truly terrible network, TRU TV. This one is centered around a biker bar called Full Throttle Saloon. And it is watchable, in an unwatchable way if you know what I mean. The owner of the bar is a white dude with dreadlocks named Michael Ballard. What I like about Michael Ballard is that he refers to himself in the 3rd person pretty constantly, reminiscent of my man Robert K Dole, whom the NY Times once labelled the Dark Prince of Gridlock. If you'd been hanging around the BW-3 at Woodruff and High in 1996 you'd have had the great annoyance of hearing me punctuate almost every statement with this: "You know it. I know it. Bob Dole knows it." Anyway, back to Full Throttle Saloon, Mike Ballard and his kind of partner Jesse James something or other are pretty clueless businessmen. And that makes for vaguely amusing reality television. Also, there's a chick on there named Angie who works a part of the biker bar named Angieland. That's pretty much another reason for checking out the awful show. Why? Because this Angie character has a unique talent involving her ass. I recommend the show for that reason alone.

In this theater I call my soul

I always play the starring role

So lonely...