Sorry for the extreme dearth of posts (extreme dearth in this context meaning exactly zero the past month...) here recently. I've been busy and tired and blah, blah, blah. A few faithful readers of this asinine blog got so concerned over my silence that they called or texted inquiring if I was still amongst the living. And I can report, to the utter horror of the stupid barflies everywhere, that I am yet alive. So, there's that I guess.
It's that time of year again. The time of year where I give out fake awards to somewhat real people. New Year's is approaching quickly. And if you thought 2011 blew, wait til 2012 - it's gonna be worse. Way worse. There's that impending election deal where we're likely to have a race that I'm billing as The Muslim vs. The Mormon - wake me when that silly garbage is over. There's also the likelihood that Tim Tebow will continue to be overhyped by the mainstream media. There's also the chance that I'll run into Creech somewhere. There's also the chance that yet another idiot will ask me what the "over" is on a game, instead of what the total is. And last but not least, there's the chance (according to the Mayans or the Incas or the Turks or the one-legged retards) that the world will end next December. Wait! On second thought that is something to look forward to. I'm not getting my hopes up though. Knowing how things work, I'll be sitting somewhere next year at the end of December typing yet another stupid recap to yet another tiresome and stupid year. Good times...
Athlete Of The Year - No one jumps out as much as Landon Donovan did last year, but it's gotta be my man Jimmer Fredette. He was fucking awesome last winter - draining 3 after 3 after 3 for the Mormons. And for the losers who claimed Jimmer's game might not translate to the NBA, while it's only been 3 games, he's coming off the bench and scoring at a brisk clip for the Kings thus far. His jersey is selling like crazy as well. And it's all happening to a devout Mormon. Speaking of being devout, I got into an interesting conversation recently about the virginity status of Jimmer vs Tebow. They both claim to have never shot their wad into the old fish hole. So, the question was this: who are you more likely to believe to actually be a virgin? Who is not feeding the world an odious pack of sex lies? Jimmer or Tebow. I personally believe both of them when they say they're virgins. But some dude I was talking to was going on about how Tebow is an anti-Christ or fake or whatever. I have no clue if Tebow is a lying false prophet or not. But I don't THINK he's a false prophet. I think Tebow is a super sincere Christian who can't throw a damn football to save his life. But he's not a liar. As for Jimmer, he's getting hitched next June & if you've seen his fiance, the kid's gonna be tired next summer. I mean exhausted from all that pious Mormon fucking...
Barfly Of The Year - Another tough one this year. Last year Bill from Cleveland walked away with this award easily. This year is another matter entirely. For one thing, I ran into Bill way less frequently this year than last. For another, I started going into Sloppys on a much more regular basis. This year you may recall I mentioned Moose from time to time. I mentioned the toothless hockey guy once. I even wrote a whole post about creepy gay Larry giving me money. And I constantly noted the plethora of idiot Duke fans that inhabit Sloppys. None of them get the award however. The barfly of the year is this cat at Sloppys who is actually dating Michigan Molly. Dating that nasty-ass, slurry speeched, wart-faced drunk. I don't recall the name of the barfly that is giving the old high hard one to Michigan Molly on the regular. But I think he might be a Scott. He sure looks like a damn Scott. You know the type - all prison tats, shitty sweatshirts, & a Mr Clean dome... (By the way, no offense to few the Scotts who are the outliers here -as several read this blog)
Celebrity Death Of The Year - Gotta be my man Kim Jong the Second. You remember, the kid who shot a round of golf at 34 under par - the 1st time he played. The kid who bowled a perfect 300 on one single limp-wristed toss of the bowling ball. The kid who was such a huge Michael Jordan fan that that fat-assed Secretary of State, one Hillary Clinton, gave Mr the Second an autographed Jordan ball in hopes of de-thawing US/N Korean relations (at least Ms Clinton didn't offer to actually have relations with Mr the Second - yuk!). Now that Kim Jong has moved on to that great circle jerk party in the sky to join the likes of Abraham Lincoln & Adolph Hitler in eternal tyrant meat beating, his son, one Kim Jong Un has assumed the position here on earth. I have high hopes for the kid. For one thing, Kim Jong Un (I guess he'll go by Kim Jong the Third) sports the fade haircut - something not seen since noted Scientology freak Will Smith wore a fade back on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air with that kid who was the token black friend on Silver Spoons. The other thing about Kim Jong Un that is a big plus is his fascination with another NBA superstar, Toni Kukoc. It's been reported that Un is in love with Kukoc and that sure is swell to here. If we can get Hillary Clinton, Kim Jong Un, and Toni Kukoc in a room together world peace will be assured. Either that or the smelliest threesome ever will ensue. Either way.
Sporting Event Of The Year - This one's easy. And possibly the greatest game I've witnessed since the 2005 TOSU/Michigan game (where the 10 led TOSU from 2 scores down in the 4th quarter). Urgent Score Update From Columbus, Ohio - right at the corner of Lane Ave and Olentangy River Rd: TOSU 85 Duke 63. A complete crucifixion. Our favorite Hitler wannabe, one Coach K, noted that his butt hurt after the slaughtering he got from Thad Matta and company. And that comment really surprised me. Why, you may ask? Because I figured one thing that Coach K is intimately familiar with is his butt being sore from all that "horseplay" that's inevitably gone in the Duke team shower room the past 30 years...
That's it for me - til next time in 2012.
It's that time of year again. The time of year where I give out fake awards to somewhat real people. New Year's is approaching quickly. And if you thought 2011 blew, wait til 2012 - it's gonna be worse. Way worse. There's that impending election deal where we're likely to have a race that I'm billing as The Muslim vs. The Mormon - wake me when that silly garbage is over. There's also the likelihood that Tim Tebow will continue to be overhyped by the mainstream media. There's also the chance that I'll run into Creech somewhere. There's also the chance that yet another idiot will ask me what the "over" is on a game, instead of what the total is. And last but not least, there's the chance (according to the Mayans or the Incas or the Turks or the one-legged retards) that the world will end next December. Wait! On second thought that is something to look forward to. I'm not getting my hopes up though. Knowing how things work, I'll be sitting somewhere next year at the end of December typing yet another stupid recap to yet another tiresome and stupid year. Good times...
Athlete Of The Year - No one jumps out as much as Landon Donovan did last year, but it's gotta be my man Jimmer Fredette. He was fucking awesome last winter - draining 3 after 3 after 3 for the Mormons. And for the losers who claimed Jimmer's game might not translate to the NBA, while it's only been 3 games, he's coming off the bench and scoring at a brisk clip for the Kings thus far. His jersey is selling like crazy as well. And it's all happening to a devout Mormon. Speaking of being devout, I got into an interesting conversation recently about the virginity status of Jimmer vs Tebow. They both claim to have never shot their wad into the old fish hole. So, the question was this: who are you more likely to believe to actually be a virgin? Who is not feeding the world an odious pack of sex lies? Jimmer or Tebow. I personally believe both of them when they say they're virgins. But some dude I was talking to was going on about how Tebow is an anti-Christ or fake or whatever. I have no clue if Tebow is a lying false prophet or not. But I don't THINK he's a false prophet. I think Tebow is a super sincere Christian who can't throw a damn football to save his life. But he's not a liar. As for Jimmer, he's getting hitched next June & if you've seen his fiance, the kid's gonna be tired next summer. I mean exhausted from all that pious Mormon fucking...
Barfly Of The Year - Another tough one this year. Last year Bill from Cleveland walked away with this award easily. This year is another matter entirely. For one thing, I ran into Bill way less frequently this year than last. For another, I started going into Sloppys on a much more regular basis. This year you may recall I mentioned Moose from time to time. I mentioned the toothless hockey guy once. I even wrote a whole post about creepy gay Larry giving me money. And I constantly noted the plethora of idiot Duke fans that inhabit Sloppys. None of them get the award however. The barfly of the year is this cat at Sloppys who is actually dating Michigan Molly. Dating that nasty-ass, slurry speeched, wart-faced drunk. I don't recall the name of the barfly that is giving the old high hard one to Michigan Molly on the regular. But I think he might be a Scott. He sure looks like a damn Scott. You know the type - all prison tats, shitty sweatshirts, & a Mr Clean dome... (By the way, no offense to few the Scotts who are the outliers here -as several read this blog)
Celebrity Death Of The Year - Gotta be my man Kim Jong the Second. You remember, the kid who shot a round of golf at 34 under par - the 1st time he played. The kid who bowled a perfect 300 on one single limp-wristed toss of the bowling ball. The kid who was such a huge Michael Jordan fan that that fat-assed Secretary of State, one Hillary Clinton, gave Mr the Second an autographed Jordan ball in hopes of de-thawing US/N Korean relations (at least Ms Clinton didn't offer to actually have relations with Mr the Second - yuk!). Now that Kim Jong has moved on to that great circle jerk party in the sky to join the likes of Abraham Lincoln & Adolph Hitler in eternal tyrant meat beating, his son, one Kim Jong Un has assumed the position here on earth. I have high hopes for the kid. For one thing, Kim Jong Un (I guess he'll go by Kim Jong the Third) sports the fade haircut - something not seen since noted Scientology freak Will Smith wore a fade back on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air with that kid who was the token black friend on Silver Spoons. The other thing about Kim Jong Un that is a big plus is his fascination with another NBA superstar, Toni Kukoc. It's been reported that Un is in love with Kukoc and that sure is swell to here. If we can get Hillary Clinton, Kim Jong Un, and Toni Kukoc in a room together world peace will be assured. Either that or the smelliest threesome ever will ensue. Either way.
Sporting Event Of The Year - This one's easy. And possibly the greatest game I've witnessed since the 2005 TOSU/Michigan game (where the 10 led TOSU from 2 scores down in the 4th quarter). Urgent Score Update From Columbus, Ohio - right at the corner of Lane Ave and Olentangy River Rd: TOSU 85 Duke 63. A complete crucifixion. Our favorite Hitler wannabe, one Coach K, noted that his butt hurt after the slaughtering he got from Thad Matta and company. And that comment really surprised me. Why, you may ask? Because I figured one thing that Coach K is intimately familiar with is his butt being sore from all that "horseplay" that's inevitably gone in the Duke team shower room the past 30 years...
That's it for me - til next time in 2012.
