The Thanks of the Giving

I was at a horrible place last night - something called the Slovenly Grill. So this trivia game breaks out and I'm sitting there and this question comes up about the largest rodents in North America and Geilfuss says "What about those giant rats in The Princess Bride?" I said "What about them?"

Thanksgiving is something I have a pretty poor understanding of. I know it started back in the day when Chris Columbus had Pocahontas over for a day of highly flatulent sexual escapades. I mean that's what they told us in 1st grade anyway. But the givers never get enough credit and I think the intent of the holiday is to thank the givers - at least the intent of whoever made it a national holiday (which is probably one of the three kings - Richard Petty, Elvis, or Budweiser). So I think that's admirable as hell. But somewhere along the way thanking the givers got perverted and it's become all about the people who do the giving giving thanks to themselves because the takers won't do it. This is why the Detroit Lions have never won or even been in the Super Bowl - they throw a football game every year as a way to say thanks to themselves. We've got to get away from this. Maybe Obama will fix this problem next year after he parts the Red Sea to stick it to Edward G. Robinson.

I woman came up to me at work a number of years ago on the day before Thanksgiving and I was minding my own business in the break room and she said "Are you doing anything special for the holiday?" I must have been out of it because I broke down and told her my Thanksgiving ritual "I spend the day eating potted meat, drinking 40s, and sitting in the dark listening to Molly Hatchet at deafening levels." She said "Oh, you poor thing. Bless your heart (ladies will say bless your heart in the south so they don't have to call you a fucking loser to your face)." I said back to her "I can't talk anymore. I gotta take a dump." Then I overheard a guy I worked with named Tod Cannon say "Don't mind him, he's very scatological." Which is pretty true. I talk about bodily functions constantly. All of them. I'll wonder aloud at lunch something like "Do you think that lady over there has yeast infections that are runny like cottage cheese?"

I remember one Thanksgiving when I was about 10 and I was sitting at the orphanage about 5 pm trying to think of a way to get this one nurse to give me a special examination. She was pretty hot and I didn't have many options on Thanksgiving anyway. I would go into her office several times a week complaining of soreness some place or other - some place where she would have to ask me to take off my pants. Anyway, while I was sitting there that day I noticed on the TV there was a movie about a crazy angel named Clarence and this other guy named Uncle Billy. It seemed pretty old. Well there's a part of that movie where a tall guy (I think he read funny limericks on the Johnny Carson Show) jumps off a bridge into a river. I really took something from that. I realized that if things are looking bleak, all you have to do is jump off a bridge and into a river. If you do that, an angel will save you, people will bring tons of cash to your house, Sam Wainwright will give you an unlimited line of credit, and you'll be married to Donna Reed.

I ate a turkey sandwich one time.

I liked Virginia Tech better when their name was The Gobblers.

I might stop into Get Bent Lounge this evening. If anyone asks - I'm dead or in rehab.

Sound the bell, School's in sucker! I told you homeboy!

Letter from Horse Face

Ok - So here is the letter I got back from the Transition for Change Team - I can't quite decide how to read it.

Dear Mr. Hawaii,

Thanks for your asinine suggestions. It's jerks like you who are holding this country back. Several colleagues and I spent about half an hour laughing at the sheer waste of time you spent with such a pointless letter.

Sincerely,

Sarah Horseface

Communications Liaison to Crackpots, Losers, and the Unwashed Masses for President Erect Obama

First of all, I'm a little worried they aren't taking me seriously - smart girls never seem to - and this Miss Horseface seems like she's pretty smart. She uses the word asinine correctly in a sentence. And she is a liaison.

Second, I don't feel like my ideas are welcome in this new era of change. I feel left behind - like those people in those books about events that happen in that last book of the Bible. I haven't read the books, but I was flipping around TV one night several years ago and the guy who played Carol Seaver's brother on that show with Joanna Kearns was in a movie based on these books. It was riveting. I watched a good 45 seconds of it. I think he was better in that episode of the TV show where he has a thing for the actress from Diff'rent Strokes, who, as I vividly recall, was dressed like Madonna in the Like a Virgin video (more or less). There were no lions or gondolas however.

Lastly, I don't want to give up on change yet. But - it has been three weeks since the election and I'm running out of patience with waiting for change. It's taking too long.

Maybe this Horseface character looks like Vivian Ward from the movie about the hooker with a heart of gold (although she sings Prince and not Neil Young in that bathtub scene - which is weird - maybe she should have been called the hooker with a Raspberry Beret). I might seek out Miss Horseface for a face-to-face meeting. I might do that soon. I need to think about it. I bet she lives in Chicago. I have a way of convincing people to disregard my opinion entirely when I can talk with them one-on-one. I never won a debate in school, and I wasn't even on the debate team.

I was busy doing something close 2 nothing

But different that the day before

That's when I saw her, ooh, I saw her

She walked in through the out door, out door

Don't Touch Me In Church

I was sitting in church recently and the guy giving the lecture was going on at some length about how important it is to treat your neighbor as your enemy or maybe it was backward from that - I forget. Anyway, he doesn't know my neighbors. So, I like to sneak into the service just after the kick-off. That way I can pick an empty row near the back and am more likely to be left alone to my thoughts. So I'm sitting there listening to the guy talk and thinking about my place in this world and then some woman comes in and decides to sit right next to me. Well, she smelled of bourbon and pall malls and was wearing a mini-skirt with no stockings. I'm kind of boxed in as she is sitting on the aisle, so I don't want to make a big stink and move past her to get out of there while the class is still in session. About 10 minutes go by and I'm starting to get very jittery. I probably looked agitated. I was agitated. Then this lady leans over and whispers in my ear - "You seem uncomfortable. Let me calm you down baby." I said "No thanks Miss. I need some air is all." Then she did something so shocking and inappropriate that I'm almost tempted not to mention it. She touched my shoulder with her right hand and my thigh with her left. Then she leaned in really close, too close, and she whispered "Did you vote for Obama?"


A guy came up to me over the weekend and started talking about John Mclane and he seemed pretty drunk or not very bright - but I hope drunk. He kept going on about how Mclane really erred by picking that lady who looks like Tina Fey. I was pretty nice to him. What I did is kept mentioning how I liked Die Harder more than Die Hard. I don't think we ever quite got on the same page. Then my buddy Ross comes up and says "Who the fuck is this idiot?"

I was checking out at the CVS the other day. I was buying peanuts, Gatorade, Percoset, and Marlboro's. So the lady working the cash register asks if I have a CVS card. I said - "You know it's funny you should ask that, because I applied for one last month and I'm not sure what the requirements are exactly but they turned me down." She said "They shouldn't have. There must be a mistake." I said "I was pretty hurt by the whole affair and would prefer not to think about it any longer."

I was at a horrible place on Saturday where they were selling something called Buckeye Beer for $2. Now there were several football games on at the time and I was kind of out of it. I'm not sure what a buckeye is but the beer was red. The poor bartender had red hands. So I asked her "What are you putting in the beers to make them red?" She said "Red Dye 40." I said "Line 'em up." So then all these people came in from out on the patio wearing red jerseys with the number 28 or 45 or 33 or 7 or 10. They all ordered Buckeye Beer at $2 a pint. They saw I was having one myself and one big guy in a #45 jersey said "Hey, why don't you come out to the patio and watch the game with us?" I said "Who's playing?" He looked a little frazzled by that. Then he said "The Buckeyes man. OH-IO." I said "No man. I'm good. I'm watching the Ohio State-Michigan game myself." He said "Asshole." I went outside to smoke. I saw the same crowd after the game ended. They looked really self-satisfied. They were lousy tippers though. The poor bartender had completely red, possibly toxic hands from making those beers red. Turns out they were Budweiser. I left, went home, and threw up. It was an okay afternoon.

I was sitting at a Sushi place and my buddy Geilfuss farted.

I did receive a short note over the weekend from some chick claiming to be part of the Obama transition team. I'll post it soon.

It beats picking cotton and waiting to be forgotten.

Chope

Note -Chope is defined as the combination of change and hope.

I was sitting in a dark bar last Saturday night at about 1:45 and there was a big, I mean Beck-worthy big, girl who leaned over to me and said "You look depressed." I said "You look despicable." But she didn't hear me I guess. Someone (I think it was a very nice guy with cerebral palsy or maybe it was a really ugly woman with horrific breath) was singing Enter Sandman for karaoke night. So I took a big gulp of indiscriminate lite beer, and was going to leave. But then this behemoth says "Have you been drinking all night?" I said "Chope." She said "Huh?" So I said "Chope." Then I drank the last of my beer and walked away. I did hear her say as the music died down between songs, and as I was about 15 feet away, "I feel bad for him. I wanted to tell him that things will be better when Obama is president."



I was out at a place called Charred Pork Bucket, enjoying some kind of shrimp on some kind of bread (I don't think it was pita bread or anything else that Greek people fondle) and I saw a guy watching MSNBC with the sound off (they were playing awful songs from the Jukebox - like Journey and Kansas). I believe he was watching the show hosted by the guy who used to work with the guy who always said "En Fuego." So I said pretty loudly "Chope," then waited about 10 seconds and yelled "Chope." And then an old drunk said "Who gives a fuck?" I don't think his query was directed at me. But this old dude was onto something. Or so I thought. I went over to him and was going to ask him something about growing up when people cared. But as I stood next to him I noticed he had passed out. So I just said "Chope" again and got as depressed as Bill Clinton when he is in bed with his wife. Not that she would be all happy on those rare occasions herself. I'm not saying that at all. I imagine she has a drawer full of toys and probably Lanny Davis on speed dial to "administrate" them. Yuck.
If you read the Starr Report, you - well, you don't want to read the Starr Report - you'll never want to walk into a humidor again.
Moving on ---

I was sitting at a trivia game and a question comes up about the name for a male dove. My buddy Andy says to me - "Cock?"
I said "Dude, what are you talking about?"
He said - "Do you like cock?"
"Dude"
"For the answer"
"Oh"
He was on the floor laughing. It was an excellent example of how chope is really making a difference in our everyday lives. It really was. Andy knows about that stuff. I think he watched a lot of Big Bird. I always thought Big Bird was a dirty whore. Did you ever see the length of the trunk on that imaginary elephant/woolly mammoth-type thing? Wow - call Lanny Davis and lube up Hillary...Wait - No.

I hope to hear back from my pen pal or one of his top people soon on the suggestions I sent him and shared with you in the previous post. I'll pass along the reply.
Look -I gotta go, I'm runnin' out of change, there's a lot of things, if I could I'd rearrange.

TBFH

The Change I'd Like To See

I saw recently that minions working for the almost President Obama had put up a website where folks were encouraged to write in and offer up suggestions for the kinds of changes they would like to see once the world flips and up is down, black is white, he says goodbye when he shows up and hello when he leaves, in other words - after the messiah takes office. So, I went to the website and wrote an impassioned plea into cyberspace and wanted to share my ideas with others - so I'm posting the letter I wrote here. And I remind you that this is a verbatim replica (I wanted to call it a memento - but that's not as stupid as saying replica) of the words that I put on the thing that I wrote to the guy on the website that he created to make insignificant people feel important for a fleeting and entirely pointlessly wasted moment.
Dear BHO,
I like how your initials are similar to the the initials used by the TV channel that carries those Real Sex documentaries/Fraggle Rock/and Dream on - that is very cool. I'm sure you're getting millions of suggestions for all the change so many of us have been aching for after all these years of non-change, of stagnation, of even back-sliding if you will. But I hope (with some audacity???) that you will entertain my ideas seriously - as I've spent several minutes racking my brain over this.
#1 - Education - Forget Every Child Left Behind. That's not gonna cut it. I feel like the main problem that keeps people from having the kind of job they want is the lack of a college degree. I see many ads online and even in the Sunday paper that sound like jobs I would be really good at (mostly management positions - I work so well directing others), but I can't even get an interview for those positions. Why? I don't have a degree from an institution of higher learning. So my suggestion is to send out a degree to everyone who wants one. This would be cheap - no one would actually have to go the trouble or expense of going to classes or taking tests or writing papers. You just give us a degree - viola! Problem solved!!! I can get the kind of job I've worked so hard for and deserve. It doesn't even have to be from Columbia or Harvard or that school in New Jersey that your wife attended. It could be from a second rate school like Michigan or an SEC school even (maybe not Miss State or Arkansas or the school that serpent-headed Jimmy Carville is always touting).
#2 - Money - I like your idea of giving the common man a tax break. I make so little right now that I virtually pay no federal income tax - but with my new management position (see idea #1), I will be burdened with having to pay taxes (like is referenced in that song by that guy who learned to play sitar from Ravi Shankar) . So, my idea is to quit taking any money out of any paychecks for taxes. That way all the rich people who pay all the taxes under your rule (dominion???) would have to actually write a check every April to the IRS. Stick it to them! Rub it in! That would be a benefit right there - just knowing how the rich people are not happy anymore and they won't look like they are having a good time at places like Applebee's and Outback every time you see them. But also, I would get to keep all the money I earned paycheck to paycheck instead of waiting for the IRS to send me a "refund" every year (I always wondered who coined that euphemistic term anyway - how is it a refund??? It's my money - the IRS has just been holding it.)
#3 - Switching Places - Ok. I think one of the things you have really tapped into is how divided we are in the USA. You are going to bring us all together and that is so awesome. But how? I have an idea for this. We can't come together until we really understand how the other people are living - we need the rich suburb people ( like in the movie with TomHanks and that crazy Bruce Dern) to understand folks in the cities and vice-versa. My idea is to have a week where both sides switch places. We literally (laterally???) move into the houses of the other side. I could finally understand what it's like to have no worries - just mow my yard and watch the kids frolic on a Slip N Slide. Whereas the suburb types would know about bad plumbing, smells, the Roto Rooter Man, and staying one step ahead of the bookie. Then we could all be on the same empathetic (not pathetic) wave (note: this is where I thought about putting a Katrina and the Waves reference in, but there was a hurricane a few years ago with a name similar to or exactly the same as Katrina) with each other. This might be hard logistically - I admit that - but the change that would happen as an outcome would be transformational. Plus I might eat at Chili's one night (and see Micheal Scott give out some Dundie awards while Jim and Pam look on in utter horror).
#4 - Religion - I don't go to church but it seems to me that we have too much tension in the world because many people do go to church - and as far as I can discern, the different churches are saying different things about the same topics. So, maybe we could either make everyone go to the same church or even better, shut them all down. Men would like that especially because they'd never have to worry about missing 1 o'clock kick-off on Sunday (also they need to split more kick-off times between 1 and 4 on Sunday - I get dizzy from monitoring up to 10 games at once).
#5 - Guns - They should be mandatory for every person! It would create quite a bit of work for the government to monitor this, but if we could be certain that every person is armed at all times, then crime would drop precipitously. Plus arguments would be more civil (war would also likely be more civil). I guarantee it. I want a one of those Dirty Harry guns - You feel lucky punk? or You lookin at me? or Who's zoomin who? Or sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me. Or I want your socks (like a George Michael tune but cleaner! - Maybe we could go straight to the Edge Of Heaven with this idea!!!)
Those are just a few of my ideas. I have more and I will write you back soon.
Your buddy,
The Audacious - TBFH
P.S. - If it's a temporary lull - why am I bored right out of my skull?
Also - If man is 5, if man is 5, if man is 5, then the devil is 6, the devil is six, the devil is 6, and if the devil is 6, then God is 7, God is 7, God is 7 - this monkey's gone to heaven.

So, let me know how seriously you think Mr. Obama will take my missive. And who am I? why am I here? I come not to praise James Stockdale, but to rebury his rotting corpse.