I was sitting in church recently and the guy giving the lecture was going on at some length about how important it is to treat your neighbor as your enemy or maybe it was backward from that - I forget. Anyway, he doesn't know my neighbors. So, I like to sneak into the service just after the kick-off. That way I can pick an empty row near the back and am more likely to be left alone to my thoughts. So I'm sitting there listening to the guy talk and thinking about my place in this world and then some woman comes in and decides to sit right next to me. Well, she smelled of bourbon and pall malls and was wearing a mini-skirt with no stockings. I'm kind of boxed in as she is sitting on the aisle, so I don't want to make a big stink and move past her to get out of there while the class is still in session. About 10 minutes go by and I'm starting to get very jittery. I probably looked agitated. I was agitated. Then this lady leans over and whispers in my ear - "You seem uncomfortable. Let me calm you down baby." I said "No thanks Miss. I need some air is all." Then she did something so shocking and inappropriate that I'm almost tempted not to mention it. She touched my shoulder with her right hand and my thigh with her left. Then she leaned in really close, too close, and she whispered "Did you vote for Obama?"
A guy came up to me over the weekend and started talking about John Mclane and he seemed pretty drunk or not very bright - but I hope drunk. He kept going on about how Mclane really erred by picking that lady who looks like Tina Fey. I was pretty nice to him. What I did is kept mentioning how I liked Die Harder more than Die Hard. I don't think we ever quite got on the same page. Then my buddy Ross comes up and says "Who the fuck is this idiot?"
I was checking out at the CVS the other day. I was buying peanuts, Gatorade, Percoset, and Marlboro's. So the lady working the cash register asks if I have a CVS card. I said - "You know it's funny you should ask that, because I applied for one last month and I'm not sure what the requirements are exactly but they turned me down." She said "They shouldn't have. There must be a mistake." I said "I was pretty hurt by the whole affair and would prefer not to think about it any longer."
I was at a horrible place on Saturday where they were selling something called Buckeye Beer for $2. Now there were several football games on at the time and I was kind of out of it. I'm not sure what a buckeye is but the beer was red. The poor bartender had red hands. So I asked her "What are you putting in the beers to make them red?" She said "Red Dye 40." I said "Line 'em up." So then all these people came in from out on the patio wearing red jerseys with the number 28 or 45 or 33 or 7 or 10. They all ordered Buckeye Beer at $2 a pint. They saw I was having one myself and one big guy in a #45 jersey said "Hey, why don't you come out to the patio and watch the game with us?" I said "Who's playing?" He looked a little frazzled by that. Then he said "The Buckeyes man. OH-IO." I said "No man. I'm good. I'm watching the Ohio State-Michigan game myself." He said "Asshole." I went outside to smoke. I saw the same crowd after the game ended. They looked really self-satisfied. They were lousy tippers though. The poor bartender had completely red, possibly toxic hands from making those beers red. Turns out they were Budweiser. I left, went home, and threw up. It was an okay afternoon.
I was sitting at a Sushi place and my buddy Geilfuss farted.
I did receive a short note over the weekend from some chick claiming to be part of the Obama transition team. I'll post it soon.
It beats picking cotton and waiting to be forgotten.
A guy came up to me over the weekend and started talking about John Mclane and he seemed pretty drunk or not very bright - but I hope drunk. He kept going on about how Mclane really erred by picking that lady who looks like Tina Fey. I was pretty nice to him. What I did is kept mentioning how I liked Die Harder more than Die Hard. I don't think we ever quite got on the same page. Then my buddy Ross comes up and says "Who the fuck is this idiot?"
I was checking out at the CVS the other day. I was buying peanuts, Gatorade, Percoset, and Marlboro's. So the lady working the cash register asks if I have a CVS card. I said - "You know it's funny you should ask that, because I applied for one last month and I'm not sure what the requirements are exactly but they turned me down." She said "They shouldn't have. There must be a mistake." I said "I was pretty hurt by the whole affair and would prefer not to think about it any longer."
I was at a horrible place on Saturday where they were selling something called Buckeye Beer for $2. Now there were several football games on at the time and I was kind of out of it. I'm not sure what a buckeye is but the beer was red. The poor bartender had red hands. So I asked her "What are you putting in the beers to make them red?" She said "Red Dye 40." I said "Line 'em up." So then all these people came in from out on the patio wearing red jerseys with the number 28 or 45 or 33 or 7 or 10. They all ordered Buckeye Beer at $2 a pint. They saw I was having one myself and one big guy in a #45 jersey said "Hey, why don't you come out to the patio and watch the game with us?" I said "Who's playing?" He looked a little frazzled by that. Then he said "The Buckeyes man. OH-IO." I said "No man. I'm good. I'm watching the Ohio State-Michigan game myself." He said "Asshole." I went outside to smoke. I saw the same crowd after the game ended. They looked really self-satisfied. They were lousy tippers though. The poor bartender had completely red, possibly toxic hands from making those beers red. Turns out they were Budweiser. I left, went home, and threw up. It was an okay afternoon.
I was sitting at a Sushi place and my buddy Geilfuss farted.
I did receive a short note over the weekend from some chick claiming to be part of the Obama transition team. I'll post it soon.
It beats picking cotton and waiting to be forgotten.
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