Flying Squirrels Attack Genteel Auction House Owners In Sparks, Maryland

I was sitting in this booth at the Wreck Room chatting with some folks and Geilfuss was sitting in the next booth. This blondish chick was sitting at his table. At some point Geilfuss came over to say hello or whatever passes as hello for Geilfuss. At any rate, I asked Geilfuss 2 questions when he approached me. One was, "What's the name of the blonde chick with the crooked nose?" Geilfuss informed me that if I wished to learn crooked-nosed blondie's name, I needed to go ask her myself. He claimed ignorance on the matter (something that's not difficult for Geilfuss to claim, by the way...). My second question for Geilfuss was this: "Does she work in the service industry?" Again Geilfuss feigned ignorance and told me to go talk to her if I really cared about these important matters. I told him not to fret, that I would indeed go speak to crooked-nosed blondie about where she is semi-gainfully employed. Although I knew I would never need to do any such thing. I knew Geilfuss would, by my power of suggestion, get both the girl's name and place of work. And sure enough about a half-hour later Geilfuss comes back over to me and lets me know that the crooked-nosed blonde in question toiled away at a nearby Cheesecake Factory. I told Geilfuss, "I warned you about this." He asked, "How did you know she worked in the service industry?" I told him that I can spot the type a mile away. And I can. These mediocre looking blondes with crooked noses all work as servers or bartenders someplace or other. The one next to Geilfuss at Wreck Room just happened to be plying her wares at Cheesecake Factory. The Jacobys were sitting nearby and wondered why I used the term "service industry." It was a term both Luke & Mark were unfamiliar with entirely. They thought I was using the term "service industry" as some euphemism for hooker or stripper. And that's one thing you gotta love about the Jacobys - they have led some sheltered existences. And they know me. So, they figured any time I use the word service in reference to anything, I must be referring to sex in some form or other. I did point out to both Luke & Mark that the proper term for the business that hookers & strippers inhabit is not service industry at all. It's called the whore industry. Obviously...

Speaking of the Jacobys, I got the opportunity to tour their estate out in Sparks, Md last week. They own an old plantation that they've converted into an auction house where they sell crappy stoneware to unsuspecting tourists several times a year. It's very lucrative from what I could deduce. Hell, Luke showed me a shot glass from the Civil War that went for $2000. I asked him if he minded if I did a shot of rock-gut Scotch out of it. Luke informed me that he did mind. I dropped the subject. I was their guest and all. I didn't wanna make waves or cause trouble. That's not what I'm about. Anyway, on this estate in Sparks, Md the Jacobys are having a dickens of a time fighting off squadrons of flying squirrels. These flying squirrels attack in various formations day and night. I saw this with my own 2 eyes. As all of you know, I love squirrels & let the Jacobys know that in their war with the flying squirrels I was squarely in the squirrels' corner. I asked Mark if he had a clue why these flying squirrels had seemingly singled out the Jacoby Estate for constant barragement. He wasn't quite sure. But he felt like it might have something to do with Barack Obama and some shady tax shelter the Jacobys hide their dough in. I'm not sure if that's true or not. It could be though. Because I know the Jacobys pretty well, and they are not down with Barry's crazy neo-socialist shit. Neither am I. Obviously...

Speaking of Geilfuss, I saw his father over last weekend. I didn't speak to him. But I did see him chatting with Tyson and others. It reminded me of the other time I saw Geilfuss's father. It was about 10 AM one Friday morning. I stumbled out of the Geilfuss basement area after crashing there following a night of getting loaded with Geilfuss. Anyway, my recollection of that event is that Mr Geilfuss was none too pleased that I had parked my car in his driveway overnight. He didn't speak to me, but he did glare. Mr Geilfuss can glare. He's a glarer. I mumbled something like "Good morning, sir." Then got in my car and drove away pretty quickly. Obviously...

Speaking of seeing someone I had only met one other time, I spoke with Andy's Uncle Bill last weekend. He didn't remember me. But I remembered Uncle Bill. The reason being that the only other time I met him, Andy & I were sitting at Get Bent Lounge having a beer when Uncle Bill sits down and after about 3 minutes of conversation asks me this gem, "So, are you one of those trust-fund babies?" I took it as a compliment. Obviously...

Speaking of Get Bent Lounge, the Jacobys were hell bent on going in there last Saturday night to see if Fat Adam was still around. Reluctantly I agreed. We walked into the joint around 11:40 and sure enough, standing at the bar holding court was Fat Adam. He was wearing the same old 5XL black leather duster as always. He was chatting with a butt-ugly fat chick. Sweating his ass off, as always. The Jacobys and I kind of stood back from Fat Adam and this nasty chunky skank he was doing work on. Luke called over to Fat Adam a few times to come talk to us. Alas, Fat Adam was having none of it. He remembers me well. He knew I was gonna mock him right to his face (which he deserves by the way - the kid is one of the worst human beings I've ever met in my life). About 10 minutes passed and Fat Adam wasn't budging away from the work he was doing on this filth riddled fat chick. So, I told the Jacobys to drink up because I was gonna make my over to Fat Adam and say a few things to him. Mark wanted none of that and ran out of the bar. But Luke obliged me. He chugged the rest of his over-priced Get Bent Lounge beer and followed me over to where Fat Adam's massive girth was residing at the moment. I walked up and said, "Good to see you, Adam. Hope you've been well. That leather coat has a very slimming effect on you." He started to beg me to stop. But that cry went unheeded. I continued, "Did you change your jeans today? They look awfully fresh." After a minute of that kind of silliness, I turned my attention to the fat skank Fat Adam was hitting on. And this is where I thought Luke was gonna shit his pants from laughing so hard. I said this to the behemoth, "It's so wonderful that you and Adam have found each other. I'm assuming the 2 of you are engaged. And I wanted to stop by and wish both of you nothing but the best. You've got a real keeper here in Adam. He's one of a kind." She tried to inform me that she and Fat Adam were not engaged or even a couple. Information I was keenly aware of, by the way. I said my goodbyes and raced out of Get Bent Lounge at that juncture. I accomplished what I'd come into the hellhole to accomplish at that point. And I sure as hell didn't want George to notice me. Obviously...

I was out last Friday night at the Bananabees on Padonia. A trivia game broke out same as always. Jeff, the Jacobys, and I played against 20 teams of freaks, losers, and folks with an axe to grind against society. The key to the whole night was our half-Asian, bowl-cut hair wearing server. This kid was huge for an Asian by the way. Like 6'3" and 270. I think the kid's name was Sam. Well, this Sam was perhaps the worst server in the history of serving. He kept interrupting us with inane thoughts when the trivia host was asking a question. At one point I had to the tell the kid, "Don't talk to me. Just keep bringing beer until I tell you to stop." He wanted to know why. I had no interest in explaining why. He then went into a 3 minute talk about the buffalo sauce on the shitty wings they sell. Later he felt the need to explain to Jeff the difference in price between the 16 oz beer and the 23 oz beer. I finally said to Sam, "He doesn't fucking care, dude. He's a thoracic surgeon for God's sake." Sam seemed to not have a clue what the word thoracic meant. And maybe the word surgeon too...As far as the trivia game went, we came in 2nd by 2 lousy points. I missed a Shakespeare related anagram. And that drove me crazy. Anyway, for 2nd place Bananabees gives out a $15 gift card. Woo hoo!!! We decided that our server Sam needed it worse than we did. So, we waited around like 10 minutes after the game to try and give this stupid gift card to the chubby Asian server. And he never turned up. We gave it to a co-worker and promised her to give it to Sam. Before we took off, I ran into the can. And sure enough, there was young Sam coming out of the stall reeking of buffalo sauce and stale cum. Rock on, Sam.

Call the police, there's a madman around