I hate to keep beating up on our hero, but The Tiger is the gift that keeps on giving here lately. Word has leaked that The Tiger enjoyed a little of the old S&M with his extra-marital skanks. To put it simply, he liked to be spanked (...allegedly). Now, this really shouldn't shock anyone too much. It's obvious The Tiger grew up with very domineering parents. And often, folks who grew up in such circumstances, have a psychological need to get a little punishment in with their extra-marital sex romps. No real shock here at all. Perhaps the cougar I mentioned on this blog last week served as The Tiger's dominatrix from time to time. I could definitely picture this woman with a leather whip pounding The Tiger's ass into submission as he shouted "Oh, Yes! I've been a very bad boy! Yes, yes, yes!!!" Or something like that...
Also, a film is in the works based on The Tiger's little indiscretions. It is going to be titled Tiger's Wood, which doesn't strike me as particularly creative. I would have gone with Crouching Tiger, Hidden Skanks. Or Tiger Woods: In The Thick Of Destiny's Ass. Or Eating Skank Pie at Perkins: The Tiger Woods Story. Or Betraying The Swedish Nanny: How The Tiger Got His Ass Reamed.
Well, the dream has died in the Survivor pool for me and Geilfuss. After 14 straight winners, we went with Denver yesterday. And got beat by Jemarcus Russell. We got debacled, as Emmitt Smith might say. Totally debacled. The Broncos rush D gave up over 270 yards - to Oakland. And Kyle Orton - he still sucks.
Speaking of Geilfuss, I noticed on the Faceshit recently that he and Mary are feuding over hunting Bambi or something. I'm not sure if Bambi is supposed to be some kind of poor helpless doe, or some Dream Teamesque skank who hangs out in Hollandtown. Whatever the case, I hate to see the 2 of them having issues, especially at the Holidays. This is really the season of peace, love, and good will toward men. Geilfuss and Mary should put aside their petty issues and embrace in a hug, a hug that is symbolic of the season, maybe the season of Oregano??? - At the very least. Or possibly the season of Dill Weed (which is very tasty on oyster crackers paired with some Ranch seasoning, by the way).
Speaking of Mary, I ordered her a Christmas present off the old world wide web of deceit last Friday. And I'm very much looking forward to her reaction to the gift when she opens it. Hopefully Andy will give me a good play by play description of Mary's reaction...I'll try and keep everyone updated on this Yule time excitement.
I'm not sure what it is with NFL wide receivers and the city of Charlotte. First we had Rae Carruth and his issues with conspiring to kill his baby mama back in 1999 (Rae Rae should get out of prison in 2018. It's ironic I bring this up, because his son just turned 10). Now, Chris Henry has met a terrible demise - in Charlotte. As some of you know, I drafted Chris Henry on my criminal fantasy football team this year (he'd been arrested like 8 times or so). I hope I didn't jinx him with picking him. From everything I heard, Henry had taken steps to turn his life around here the past 18 months or so. If there is some jinx with being a Bengal and on my fantasy football team, then Cedric Benson needs to stay away from boating this off season...and to all my receivers (Brandon Marshall, Santonio Holmes, Percy Harvin, and Jeremy Maclin {who, to be fair, has not been in trouble with the law}), stay the hell out of Charlotte. Please.
Christmas Eve is quickly approaching here this week. And that fact brings to mind last Christmas Eve. I was in the town Elaine Benes is from for the night. My first mistake was stopping at the Exxon for a little petrol. While there, I spotted, or I should say was spotted by Hoot and the other brother who hang around Get Bent lounge looking for a handout (I can't remember the other brother's name - I'm terrible with names). Anyway, these dudes were getting some 40's and begged me for a ride to their apartment. It was only like 2 minutes away, and against my better judgment, I obliged. Nothing really came of the trip - until I dropped them off. Hoot was in the back and the moment he got out of my car and closed the door, I noticed an odor had stayed behind - the distinct odor of barf. He hadn't barfed on the short car ride from the Exxon, so I wasn't sure what the deal was. After I pulled into the Get Bent Lounge parking lot, I did a little investigation into what was going on with this barf stench. As I looked over where Hoot had been sitting in the back seat, I noticed a copious pile of dried vomit. I ran into Get Bent Lounge and had George get me some stuff to try and clean it up. But, that back seat stank ever so slightly of Hoot's vomit for several months afterwards. Needless to say, I haven't given Hoot and his running buddy a ride since. Well, it was right before kick off of the Hawaii bowl at this point (about 8 or so) and I settled into a bar stool and I'll be damned but J walks in and starts blabbing about some inane sports trivia. I was drinking pretty quickly, obviously. About a half hour later, Andy, Mary, and Mama Stills showed up. And that was nice, because it's always pleasant to have a drink with Mama Stills, and whenever Mary gets out to Get Bent Lounge, it's a happening. Later that night, long after Mama Stills and Mary had taken off, things got a little out of hand. It's hard to recall seeing so many drunks come out of the woodwork at Get Bent Lounge (except for Thanksgiving Eve of course). I had never realized that so many people are so sick of out of town relatives by 10:30 on Christmas Eve, that they head to dive bars in droves to get hammered. Shitfaced hammered. It was quite enlightening (and I am rarely enlightened with bar related matters at this point in life). Eventually, the Dream Team shows up, their STD riddled bodies reeking of cheap alcohol, vaginal juices, and sheer woe. Andy had to make absolutely sure that he got me out of there unscathed. And he did. Andy's a good kid. I won't be up in the town where Elaine Benes is from this Christmas Eve, but for anyone who might be, my advice is this: if a couple of barf reeking brothers approach you for a ride, run for your life. And if J asks you for a lock, send him to a hardware store. And lastly, if the redheaded Dream Teamer gets a little frisky with you, be sure to have Andy around to drag your ass to safety.
I mentioned the Faceshit briefly earlier in this entry and I just checked it again and noticed that I have a Christmas Kisses Request from old Mrs Rummer (I mentioned her in some posts back in the spring). I'm not sure how to respond to such a request. I'm thinking of sending the Christmas Kisses Request along to one of the Jacobys, they are so nice that they'd probably kiss right back. But not me, I don't even have a clue how you kiss someone over the Faceshit, but it sounds gross, and potentially hazardous to your health. You may get some kind of virus...get it??? Ha!!! I'm hysterical.
Whistle your favorite tune
We'll send a card and flowers
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