I saw recently that minions working for the almost President Obama had put up a website where folks were encouraged to write in and offer up suggestions for the kinds of changes they would like to see once the world flips and up is down, black is white, he says goodbye when he shows up and hello when he leaves, in other words - after the messiah takes office. So, I went to the website and wrote an impassioned plea into cyberspace and wanted to share my ideas with others - so I'm posting the letter I wrote here. And I remind you that this is a verbatim replica (I wanted to call it a memento - but that's not as stupid as saying replica) of the words that I put on the thing that I wrote to the guy on the website that he created to make insignificant people feel important for a fleeting and entirely pointlessly wasted moment.
Dear BHO,
I like how your initials are similar to the the initials used by the TV channel that carries those Real Sex documentaries/Fraggle Rock/and Dream on - that is very cool. I'm sure you're getting millions of suggestions for all the change so many of us have been aching for after all these years of non-change, of stagnation, of even back-sliding if you will. But I hope (with some audacity???) that you will entertain my ideas seriously - as I've spent several minutes racking my brain over this.
#1 - Education - Forget Every Child Left Behind. That's not gonna cut it. I feel like the main problem that keeps people from having the kind of job they want is the lack of a college degree. I see many ads online and even in the Sunday paper that sound like jobs I would be really good at (mostly management positions - I work so well directing others), but I can't even get an interview for those positions. Why? I don't have a degree from an institution of higher learning. So my suggestion is to send out a degree to everyone who wants one. This would be cheap - no one would actually have to go the trouble or expense of going to classes or taking tests or writing papers. You just give us a degree - viola! Problem solved!!! I can get the kind of job I've worked so hard for and deserve. It doesn't even have to be from Columbia or Harvard or that school in New Jersey that your wife attended. It could be from a second rate school like Michigan or an SEC school even (maybe not Miss State or Arkansas or the school that serpent-headed Jimmy Carville is always touting).
#2 - Money - I like your idea of giving the common man a tax break. I make so little right now that I virtually pay no federal income tax - but with my new management position (see idea #1), I will be burdened with having to pay taxes (like is referenced in that song by that guy who learned to play sitar from Ravi Shankar) . So, my idea is to quit taking any money out of any paychecks for taxes. That way all the rich people who pay all the taxes under your rule (dominion???) would have to actually write a check every April to the IRS. Stick it to them! Rub it in! That would be a benefit right there - just knowing how the rich people are not happy anymore and they won't look like they are having a good time at places like Applebee's and Outback every time you see them. But also, I would get to keep all the money I earned paycheck to paycheck instead of waiting for the IRS to send me a "refund" every year (I always wondered who coined that euphemistic term anyway - how is it a refund??? It's my money - the IRS has just been holding it.)
#3 - Switching Places - Ok. I think one of the things you have really tapped into is how divided we are in the USA. You are going to bring us all together and that is so awesome. But how? I have an idea for this. We can't come together until we really understand how the other people are living - we need the rich suburb people ( like in the movie with TomHanks and that crazy Bruce Dern) to understand folks in the cities and vice-versa. My idea is to have a week where both sides switch places. We literally (laterally???) move into the houses of the other side. I could finally understand what it's like to have no worries - just mow my yard and watch the kids frolic on a Slip N Slide. Whereas the suburb types would know about bad plumbing, smells, the Roto Rooter Man, and staying one step ahead of the bookie. Then we could all be on the same empathetic (not pathetic) wave (note: this is where I thought about putting a Katrina and the Waves reference in, but there was a hurricane a few years ago with a name similar to or exactly the same as Katrina) with each other. This might be hard logistically - I admit that - but the change that would happen as an outcome would be transformational. Plus I might eat at Chili's one night (and see Micheal Scott give out some Dundie awards while Jim and Pam look on in utter horror).
#4 - Religion - I don't go to church but it seems to me that we have too much tension in the world because many people do go to church - and as far as I can discern, the different churches are saying different things about the same topics. So, maybe we could either make everyone go to the same church or even better, shut them all down. Men would like that especially because they'd never have to worry about missing 1 o'clock kick-off on Sunday (also they need to split more kick-off times between 1 and 4 on Sunday - I get dizzy from monitoring up to 10 games at once).
#5 - Guns - They should be mandatory for every person! It would create quite a bit of work for the government to monitor this, but if we could be certain that every person is armed at all times, then crime would drop precipitously. Plus arguments would be more civil (war would also likely be more civil). I guarantee it. I want a one of those Dirty Harry guns - You feel lucky punk? or You lookin at me? or Who's zoomin who? Or sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me. Or I want your socks (like a George Michael tune but cleaner! - Maybe we could go straight to the Edge Of Heaven with this idea!!!)
Those are just a few of my ideas. I have more and I will write you back soon.
Your buddy,
The Audacious - TBFH
P.S. - If it's a temporary lull - why am I bored right out of my skull?
Also - If man is 5, if man is 5, if man is 5, then the devil is 6, the devil is six, the devil is 6, and if the devil is 6, then God is 7, God is 7, God is 7 - this monkey's gone to heaven.
So, let me know how seriously you think Mr. Obama will take my missive. And who am I? why am I here? I come not to praise James Stockdale, but to rebury his rotting corpse.
Dear BHO,
I like how your initials are similar to the the initials used by the TV channel that carries those Real Sex documentaries/Fraggle Rock/and Dream on - that is very cool. I'm sure you're getting millions of suggestions for all the change so many of us have been aching for after all these years of non-change, of stagnation, of even back-sliding if you will. But I hope (with some audacity???) that you will entertain my ideas seriously - as I've spent several minutes racking my brain over this.
#1 - Education - Forget Every Child Left Behind. That's not gonna cut it. I feel like the main problem that keeps people from having the kind of job they want is the lack of a college degree. I see many ads online and even in the Sunday paper that sound like jobs I would be really good at (mostly management positions - I work so well directing others), but I can't even get an interview for those positions. Why? I don't have a degree from an institution of higher learning. So my suggestion is to send out a degree to everyone who wants one. This would be cheap - no one would actually have to go the trouble or expense of going to classes or taking tests or writing papers. You just give us a degree - viola! Problem solved!!! I can get the kind of job I've worked so hard for and deserve. It doesn't even have to be from Columbia or Harvard or that school in New Jersey that your wife attended. It could be from a second rate school like Michigan or an SEC school even (maybe not Miss State or Arkansas or the school that serpent-headed Jimmy Carville is always touting).
#2 - Money - I like your idea of giving the common man a tax break. I make so little right now that I virtually pay no federal income tax - but with my new management position (see idea #1), I will be burdened with having to pay taxes (like is referenced in that song by that guy who learned to play sitar from Ravi Shankar) . So, my idea is to quit taking any money out of any paychecks for taxes. That way all the rich people who pay all the taxes under your rule (dominion???) would have to actually write a check every April to the IRS. Stick it to them! Rub it in! That would be a benefit right there - just knowing how the rich people are not happy anymore and they won't look like they are having a good time at places like Applebee's and Outback every time you see them. But also, I would get to keep all the money I earned paycheck to paycheck instead of waiting for the IRS to send me a "refund" every year (I always wondered who coined that euphemistic term anyway - how is it a refund??? It's my money - the IRS has just been holding it.)
#3 - Switching Places - Ok. I think one of the things you have really tapped into is how divided we are in the USA. You are going to bring us all together and that is so awesome. But how? I have an idea for this. We can't come together until we really understand how the other people are living - we need the rich suburb people ( like in the movie with TomHanks and that crazy Bruce Dern) to understand folks in the cities and vice-versa. My idea is to have a week where both sides switch places. We literally (laterally???) move into the houses of the other side. I could finally understand what it's like to have no worries - just mow my yard and watch the kids frolic on a Slip N Slide. Whereas the suburb types would know about bad plumbing, smells, the Roto Rooter Man, and staying one step ahead of the bookie. Then we could all be on the same empathetic (not pathetic) wave (note: this is where I thought about putting a Katrina and the Waves reference in, but there was a hurricane a few years ago with a name similar to or exactly the same as Katrina) with each other. This might be hard logistically - I admit that - but the change that would happen as an outcome would be transformational. Plus I might eat at Chili's one night (and see Micheal Scott give out some Dundie awards while Jim and Pam look on in utter horror).
#4 - Religion - I don't go to church but it seems to me that we have too much tension in the world because many people do go to church - and as far as I can discern, the different churches are saying different things about the same topics. So, maybe we could either make everyone go to the same church or even better, shut them all down. Men would like that especially because they'd never have to worry about missing 1 o'clock kick-off on Sunday (also they need to split more kick-off times between 1 and 4 on Sunday - I get dizzy from monitoring up to 10 games at once).
#5 - Guns - They should be mandatory for every person! It would create quite a bit of work for the government to monitor this, but if we could be certain that every person is armed at all times, then crime would drop precipitously. Plus arguments would be more civil (war would also likely be more civil). I guarantee it. I want a one of those Dirty Harry guns - You feel lucky punk? or You lookin at me? or Who's zoomin who? Or sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me. Or I want your socks (like a George Michael tune but cleaner! - Maybe we could go straight to the Edge Of Heaven with this idea!!!)
Those are just a few of my ideas. I have more and I will write you back soon.
Your buddy,
The Audacious - TBFH
P.S. - If it's a temporary lull - why am I bored right out of my skull?
Also - If man is 5, if man is 5, if man is 5, then the devil is 6, the devil is six, the devil is 6, and if the devil is 6, then God is 7, God is 7, God is 7 - this monkey's gone to heaven.
So, let me know how seriously you think Mr. Obama will take my missive. And who am I? why am I here? I come not to praise James Stockdale, but to rebury his rotting corpse.
1 comment:
hey man, i was directed to this webiste by some platinum haired whore who was drunk off her ass and handed me a snotty napkin with this address on it. I wonder if she was the same one... anyway, i figured i'd do you the same service you did me and leave a message. props to the Pixies reference.
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