The Fire Crotched Nigerian Terrorist

I saw something on the news the other day about a dude from Nigeria getting on an airplane with explosives in his shorts. I can only assume that the reason he did this was not to spread Christmas cheer. Evidently the incompetent folks at the TSA let this guy wander right onto an airliner full of like 300 folks wearing underwear laced with nitroglycerin. Now, I don't get kinky like that personally, but to each his own, I don't pass judgment...Anyway, I have spent a considerable amount of time going through security at airports in several cities since 9/11 and have found the inconvenience to be beyond nauseating. Some folks will argue that the inconvenience is okay because it ensures our safety in the air. My own feeling has always been that life is full of risks and I'd rather take my chances of being blown up, rather than consistently annoyed by watching these TSA employees cavity search 85 year old crippled women. I realize I'm in the extreme minority on this. But, I gotta say that I feel a little vindicated for my disdain of the TSA as a result of this Nigerian underwear bomb guy. If it wasn't for sheer luck and the dude's stupidity, all the folks on that plane would be dead - well done TSA!!! As far as the psyche of the underwear bomber, I won't speculate, other than to note that I have seen a picture of the undies this Nigerian was sporting and they looked a little flamboyant to me - like something Jason Giambi might wear to break out of a prolonged slump at the plate...

Some folks seem to be blaming old Barry and his minions for this Nigerian underwear bomber deal. And that's silly. I'm gonna defend our awesome leader on this one. I believe old Barry was over in the Hawaiian Islands when this incident on the Delta flight went down. He can't be expected to stop terrorists in this country. What with all the massive failures he's currently enduring, you gotta think checking for Nigerian underwear bombers is way down the list of his priorities. In fact, come to think of it, it's highly possible old Barry enjoys sporting similar skivvies as the Nigerian underwear bomber. That would be something to think about: an underwear lineup involving the Nigerian underwear bomber, Barack Hussein Obama, and Jason Giambi. Maybe they could get that skank Snooki from Jersey Shore to judge which of the three of them has the biggest package...

I got a note on the Faceshit from Jess and she noted she has quit Get Bent Lounge. I'm not exactly sure who is left at this point. No Pat. No Graham. No Jess. And that equals very little reason to go into the joint (no offense to Roland and Jason if they're still working there). I'm guessing Jess got fed up with Fat, err...Big Adam sucking down Miller Lites at a rate of one per every 2 minutes while listening to him rattle on about threesomes with imaginary women, eating Egg McMuffins after a morning workout, and changing his jeans...

I imagine this might be the last post for 2009, so if I don't get a chance to say so, Happy New Year!!! Geilfuss, on his blog, was going on about what he might or might not be up to on New Year's Eve. I'm guessing it will involve inebriation and skanks. Nevertheless, he did mention these bars that offer parties where it's all you can drink for the night. And I've never taken advantage, or I should say been taken advantage of, by one of these deals, but I have been out on New Year's Eve before. And it's not much fun, because folks are out getting hammered who don't make it out too often. Granted, that can be entertaining to a point, but it's generally exasperating watching lightweights get blitzed. You're much better off to get to a private party somewhere that nobody leaves. That way you don't have to get on the road with drunk amateurs. That or stay home, get to bed at a reasonable time, and get up and bet on the Outback Bowl (take NW + the points this Friday).

Speaking of getting blitzed on New Year's Eve - I was out once back in the 90's on New Year's Eve at this bar on S High St, I think it's called Hi Beck Tavern (I have no idea if it's still there). Anyway, I was there with a few folks and we were getting a little hammered (shocking!). There was this blonde there and she kept wanting to dance with me (as many of you know, I really hate dancing). I told her the only way that was gonna happen is if she got the deejay to play Kiss The Dirt. And I'll be damned, but within 15 minutes the song came on and I was stuck. So, I danced, or something approximating dancing. It wasn't so bad, because I was trashed and I do love that song. And I thought I'd share that with everyone.

Well, I took a peek at the Hoarders again last night on the A&E. And there was this woman from Scottsdale on there and she got into a strange debate about throwing out a huge stack of panties that she'd bought but never worn. And I wondered if the Nigerian underwear bomber had ever been to Scottsdale, because I think they might share the same taste in gold lame skivvies...

These passions seem to never end

Amazing Memory Man Walks Into A Bar...

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Mindless Random Christmas Silliness

Geilfuss, on his brilliant blog, mentioned recently that he had been playing online poker where the blinds were .01/.02 cents. I have played a little online poker myself from time to time and didn't know there existed tables with the blinds that low. Well, I was checking out Full Tilt a few minutes ago, and noticed that they do indeed offer such tables for the lowest of the low cheap degenerates out there. In fact, I laid out a dollar myself on one of these tables and have been enjoying how life and death these dudes are about a game where the guy with the biggest bankroll has $4.17. It would make the Jacobys proud.

Some of you may be wondering why I'm spending Christmas afternoon sitting by myself blogging and goofing around with online poker. And the answer is this - I'm passing the time and I don't think the bars have opened yet (it's only 12:30).

I did get a picture text from Andy at about 9:30 this morning that showed Mary going wild when she opened the gift I sent her. I promised last week to keep readers updated on this gift. I can now reveal that I sent Mary a bobblehead, a bobblehead of our fake leader, Barack Hussein Obama. Mary's a fan of old Barry's, and I'm not totally insensitive to everything, so I was nice and sent her a Barry bobblehead. Ho, Ho, Ho!

Brandon left a comment after yesterday's post concerning the fact that Ray Small has been ruled out of the Rose Bowl for violation of team rules. And Ray has been in Coach Tressel's doghouse off and on for his entire career, so it's no great surprise that that this has gone down before what was supposed to be Ray's swan song in college football. One, being without Small will somewhat hurt the Buckeyes chances in Pasadena. And two, whoever gets Ray next year to return kicks for them in the NFL, will have a lethal weapon to spring on coverage teams. Lethal.

Poker Update! I have, in the last half hour, increased my initial bankroll by 17 times. YES! I now have $17.03!!! Geilfuss would be proud. So damn proud. Maybe I should cash out and buy 3 packs of smokes...

One thing to note for all the poker players out there (I'm sure Geilfuss is already well aware of this) is that at these micro blind tables, guys will go all in before the river card on a draw. It's too easy.

Another poker update! I am now up to $31.14!!! 2 idiots just went all in on flush draws and I had a full house before the river card (5's over 3's). Unbelievably stupid.

I also have the old TV on and Bad Santa is being aired, but in a highly edited version. And it's totally pointless to watch without the cursing. Ridiculous.

Okay, even I'm getting bored of this post. Thanks for indulging me as always. To all my faithful readers in Maryland, Ohio, Georgia, Texas, Florida, North Carolina, and wherever else - have a great Christmas day!

Peace - TBFH

Way In The Manger

Another Christmas is quickly approaching here and I still struggle to understand the whole point behind it. I remember getting into a heated debate one time, many years ago, about the whole issue of the Virgin Mary and her ability to breast feed her son in light of the fact that she was inseminated by an angel, as opposed to getting knocked up by Joseph. Maybe a medical expert could weigh in on this, as I find it hard to believe that the Virgin Mary could adequately lactate without being impregnated through the normal means. Anyway, the guy I was having this debate with didn't much appreciate my speculation on this whole thing. In fact, at one point during our contentious conversation, this guy said "You are definitely going to hell." And that might be true, if such a place exists (I have no idea). So, I decided to steer the conversation away from the whole Virgin Mary lactating issue and instead started to engage the guy in a debate over the size of the Virgin Mary's nipples. I was pretty adamant that they were quarter size, as opposed to half dollar size. Needless to say, the guy I was talking to couldn't refute my speculation. Instead he invoked the idea of me going to hell again. I finally said, as I was walking away from this guy, "Well Pastor Clyde, you don't have any more insight about these things than I do. At least I'm willing to go out on a limb here." I should probably note that I was 11 years old at the time...

I went back and read last year's Christmas post on this blog and it's reasonably amusing I guess. But rereading it got me to thinking about Boobie's annual Christmas trivia game at the Ramada. The 1st time we played the game (we won by the way), Beck was out with me and Andy and he came up with an interesting team name. That name was: Aborted Christ. Boobie did not like this team name at all. She asked us to change it, which was fine with me, as I don't go out of my way to offend folks, especially around the Holidays. So, we did indeed acquiesce to Boobie's wishes and called ourselves something like: Santa's Pole Points North (Andy might remember it more clearly). I've never been quite sure why Boobie is so sensitive to possibly offending Christians, as she has reminded me on a regular basis the past 2 and 1/2 years that she's Jewish...And balding, but I'm not sure that one has anything to do with the other.

I saw where Mike Vick has been given the NFL Courage award. And I'm not sure what the criteria could possibly be for such an award. How did Vick display courage by drowning, hanging, and electrocuting helpless dogs? Vick winning this award is way more baffling than Barack Hussein Obama winning the Nobel Peace Pipe deal. It's so bizarre that I can't even think of a silly joke to make about it...

Many shoppers are going to be racing around this afternoon for last minute gift purchases and I have a few gift suggestions for these poor folks: 1) You can't go wrong at the Quickie Mart, as plenty of 40's, ribbed for her pleasure condoms, porno mags, and lottery scratchers are all right there. 2) Liquor store is good too, the only problem is that today is the busiest day of the year at the liquor store. 3) The Sex Toy Shoppe is also an option, as nothing says "Merry Christmas Grandma" more than a nice classy pair of crotchless panties. 4) If you're really desperate, just stop in the nearest grocery store and buy a bunch of whipped cream, wrap it up with a note for your Aunt that says "Smear generously over trim area and let Uncle Stan do work." If these suggestions don't help you, then you're not helpable (if that's even a word???).

Rudolph is probably gearing up right about now to guide Santa's sleigh for the night. I always wondered about Rudolph and that babe Clarice he was trying to nail at the Reindeer Games. Did they ever get together after Rudolph became famous? Or did Rudolph leave her for some Hollywood babe like Jessica Alba? It's something worth thinking about. I mean, what with his glowing red nose and all, you gotta think the ladies would find his potential cunnilingus skill to be irresistible...

I would relay a nice Christmas story from the past, but I don't remember one. So, we're gonna have to leave it at this: Merry Christmas to all. Goodnight now. -TBFH

Barry, Barry, And More Barry

The big news of the day comes to us from the wild world of DC talk radio. The outgoing governor of Virginia was on one of those moronic call in shows recently when a caller identified as "Barry from DC" got on the line. Now, I've taken some heat for referring to Barack Hussein Obama as "Barry" on this blog over the last year. And now it turns out that even old Barry himself doesn't mind being called Barry. So, I might need to come up with some new nickname here soon. But, let this be a lesson to all the haters of this blog, as Barry is still Barry and will always be Barry, at least to the people who know him as Barry, have knew him as Barry, and continue to call him Barry. It's a Barry Barry Christmas after all - at least for Barry and other Barry's named Barry. Guys like Barry Williams, Barry White, Barry Manilow, Barry Sanders, Barry Levinson, Barry Bonds, and Barry Gibb. They've all been Barry Barry Barry this year.

It turns out that this health care deal will be passed using payoffs to several Senators (I'm hesitant to use the term bribe, but...). One of them is a guy from Nebraska with a horrific looking thing on his head masquerading as hair. Anyway, folks are outraged by this, and evidently pissed at this Nebraska dude for his shameless behavior. And, I would caution anyone from being too upset at any Senator taking whatever for their votes. It's not their faults. It's the people who voted for the Democrat Party who are at fault. What did any reasonable person expect? How naive. We're getting exactly what we deserve for putting these awful people in power in such vast majorities. Of course this Nebraska Senator is a Judas to this country, as he has his 30 pieces of silver. The morons who voted for these people might be having a little buyer's remorse now, as all these policies Barry and his buddies are ramming through are wildly unpopular. But, really, until they get the boot in the next election, they should do whatever they want. They certainly earned the right. Elections have consequences. And the consequence of last year's outcome is the decimation of this country. Not much more to say than that...Other than good luck to the folks who have to try and fix all this crap down the line.


I also saw where our terrible leader is travelling to Hawaii for a little Christmas vacation (not sure if Cousin Eddie will tag along or not). And I think old Barry went to high school in Hawaii. I can't swear to that though. Some folks even think old Barry was born in Hawaii. I have no idea if that's the case either. All I do know is that if he makes it out to the Hawaii Bowl on Christmas Eve, I sure hope he doesn't try and get Chris Ault to slow down the Nevada offense, cause I think the Wolfpack are gonna need to put up over 45 to safely cover the number.

Also I heard a rumor this year that old Barry might have a few kids. I'm not certain about this either. But I do wonder how he could find time to get out to Toys R Us and buy the latest Tickle Me There Elmo doll or whatever. If he does indeed have kids, I hope they have a good Christmas. Even the kids of lousy, pathologically lying failures deserve to have a nice Christmas. Now, a terrible person like me, no. I deserve nothing of the kind. But innocent little kids, yes. Yes, we can!!! CHOPE!!! CHOPE!!! CHOPE!!!

I noted last week that I was gonna try and work up an entry about the best sporting events of the past 10 years. But, I sat down to think about it and have reconsidered. I have never done an entry on this blog yet (except for the Q&A with Jess) that didn't just pop out of my brain on a mindless whim. Anyway, I know there is one sporting event that stands out for me above all the others the past 10 years - and that was a football game played on Friday Jan 3, 2003 in the desert. And yes, Chris Gamble was interfered with on 4th down in the 1st overtime. Get over it.

Gotta run, as I need to wrap some stuff up before Christmas, but I wanted to thank the Mormons for thrashing the Beavers last night. You gotta love the Mormons.

Silver Balls

The Waitress Who Inquires About Pegging On A Snowy Day

I was out tooling around town last Friday afternoon in the big snowstorm and people were driving way too cautiously - so cautiously it was dangerous. Folks were driving like 15-20 mph for no good reason whatsoever. So, I was getting a little annoyed, to say the least. What I did is stop in the nearest bar (shocking!) and wait out the morons on the road. And that turned out to be a bit of a mistake. I'm sitting at this joint on Battleground and trying to mind my own business and there is this waitress who was bored (there was virtually no one else in the place) and decided to pepper me with questions about pegging. For the uninitiated, pegging involves a woman, a dude, some lube, and a strap-on. I never caught this girl's name, but she told me that a friend (a fellow waitress no doubt) was into it with some guy and she was dying to try it on her boyfriend. He was pretty hesitant to let her slam his ass evidently and she was asking how she might coax him into some heavy pegging action for the Holidays. I was at a bit of a loss, to say the least. I mean, what was I supposed to tell her? After about 5 minutes of trying to evade her questions and hoping she'd just walk away, I decided to tell her that if she really wanted to convince this boyfriend to get into the old prone position and submit to a round of anal pounding, she probably needed to get to a dentist and have her damn teeth fixed. And that did the trick. It shut her right up. Bars...they're the worst.

Well, it looks like the US Senate is going to pass the abomination that is the health care deal later this week. Here's how bad it is - as I noted last week, even the liberals on the MSNBC hate the thing. Some of the details have leaked out (as it looks like the vote was taken under the cover of darkness with very few Senators having any idea exactly what they were voting to enact) here the last 2 days, and the one I've been talking about and been the most fearful of is in the thing - that is forcing people to buy health "insurance." And if they don't, they will be subject to all sorts of fines and potential jail time. It will be fun to see whatever bureaucracy is put in place with this deal try and run down folks who don't buy coverage and toss them in prison (knowing Obama, Reid, and Pelosi, they'll probably use Gitmo for such a purpose). Of course it appears none of the folks who are pushing this are likely to be in power by the time it is fully integrated (2013 or 14). Reid is likely to get his ass voted out in Nevada. Pelosi is likely to be in the minority party of the House again, and old Barry is very likely to get trounced in the next election (maybe even in his own party's primaries by the smoking hot Hillary Rodham Clinton). The guy who coined the phrase Obamanation was dead on, no doubt about that now.

One of the funniest things about the MSNBC is that all the liberals on there don't like to refer to themselves as liberals any longer. They call themselves "progressives" instead. And I think I have some insight into why. One reason is that the term liberal conjures up images of pathetic failures like George McGovern, Jimmy Carter, Fritz Mondale, Mike Dukakis, and John Kerry. I wouldn't want to be associated with that crew of losers myself, even if I totally agreed with them on every major issue (as these "progressives" surely do). The other reason the word "progressive" is hammered down our throats is even more dastardly, it's downright Orwellian to be honest. By calling themselves "progressives," there is an implication that if you disagree with their asinine ideas, that you are some kind of reactionary who longs to return to the days of slavery. It's a very clever linguistic trick - no doubt dreamed up by Noam Chomsky or some lackey of his from MIT. The fact of the matter is that the folks on the MSNBC and all their allies in the Ivy League and Washington are not progressive in any sense of the word. If anything, they are the true reactionaries, as they are desperately trying to implement old socialist ideas on the US that have failed time and again around the globe. At least with someone like Mike Dukakis or McGovern, they were honest about being straight up liberals and didn't hide behind some ridiculous Orwellian term that obfuscated their true colors. Not that anyone cares about any of this, but I thought I'd bring it up, as it is highly nauseating - at least to me.

Geilfuss did manage to get his blog post up about jury duty the other day. In the post, he mentioned watching Secondhand Lions while waiting to be called into the jury box (or whatever they call it). I found this highly curious. Why would Baltimore County District Court show such a horrible movie to jurors waiting to be called into a case? Maybe they figure that after watching Secondhand Lions, even jury duty will seem entertaining in comparison. I have no idea. I do know one thing though from reading Geilfuss' post about his day on jury duty - all my efforts to get out of it have been well worth the trouble. And it proves what I always say about voting is true: voting is for suckers.

The other thing about Geilfuss and jury duty that struck me is the whole idea about defendants having the right to a jury of their peers. And I wonder what kind of trial the justice system would pick Geilfuss for where he would be a peer of a defendant. Maybe if the defendant were up on charges of nailing strange women in Hollandtown and losing his shoes in the process??? Other than that, ...

I managed to finally see The Reader the other day. Now, I'm not claiming it's in the same class as that cinematic masterpiece, Secondhand Lions. But, it is really good. Riveting. Kate Winslet (I know I keep hyping her on this blog), is unbelievable, in an impossible role. No other actress alive today could have pulled off what Winslet did in this movie. Also, the scene at the end where Ralph Fiennes goes to NY and visits with the Holocaust survivor, it says all you really need to know about the 20th century. Devastating.

Lastly today, I wanna say thanks to someone who came through huge for me and Brandon last night, and that is Jim Zorn. We had Giants -3 and the over at 43&1/2 and a parlay of both. And the bets were in the bag by 10:45 (before Hoarders even ended). I will probably not bet against the Skins in either of their last 2 games this season. But since this is Zorn's swan song in DC, it was nice for him to be totally terrible, inept, and downright stupid one last time (that fake FG attempt before half???).

Father Christmas, give us some money

Don't mess around with those silly toys

We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over

We want your bread so don't make us annoyed

Give all the toys to the little rich boys

The Tiger Gets Spanked

I hate to keep beating up on our hero, but The Tiger is the gift that keeps on giving here lately. Word has leaked that The Tiger enjoyed a little of the old S&M with his extra-marital skanks. To put it simply, he liked to be spanked (...allegedly). Now, this really shouldn't shock anyone too much. It's obvious The Tiger grew up with very domineering parents. And often, folks who grew up in such circumstances, have a psychological need to get a little punishment in with their extra-marital sex romps. No real shock here at all. Perhaps the cougar I mentioned on this blog last week served as The Tiger's dominatrix from time to time. I could definitely picture this woman with a leather whip pounding The Tiger's ass into submission as he shouted "Oh, Yes! I've been a very bad boy! Yes, yes, yes!!!" Or something like that...

Also, a film is in the works based on The Tiger's little indiscretions. It is going to be titled Tiger's Wood, which doesn't strike me as particularly creative. I would have gone with Crouching Tiger, Hidden Skanks. Or Tiger Woods: In The Thick Of Destiny's Ass. Or Eating Skank Pie at Perkins: The Tiger Woods Story. Or Betraying The Swedish Nanny: How The Tiger Got His Ass Reamed.

Well, the dream has died in the Survivor pool for me and Geilfuss. After 14 straight winners, we went with Denver yesterday. And got beat by Jemarcus Russell. We got debacled, as Emmitt Smith might say. Totally debacled. The Broncos rush D gave up over 270 yards - to Oakland. And Kyle Orton - he still sucks.

Speaking of Geilfuss, I noticed on the Faceshit recently that he and Mary are feuding over hunting Bambi or something. I'm not sure if Bambi is supposed to be some kind of poor helpless doe, or some Dream Teamesque skank who hangs out in Hollandtown. Whatever the case, I hate to see the 2 of them having issues, especially at the Holidays. This is really the season of peace, love, and good will toward men. Geilfuss and Mary should put aside their petty issues and embrace in a hug, a hug that is symbolic of the season, maybe the season of Oregano??? - At the very least. Or possibly the season of Dill Weed (which is very tasty on oyster crackers paired with some Ranch seasoning, by the way).

Speaking of Mary, I ordered her a Christmas present off the old world wide web of deceit last Friday. And I'm very much looking forward to her reaction to the gift when she opens it. Hopefully Andy will give me a good play by play description of Mary's reaction...I'll try and keep everyone updated on this Yule time excitement.

I'm not sure what it is with NFL wide receivers and the city of Charlotte. First we had Rae Carruth and his issues with conspiring to kill his baby mama back in 1999 (Rae Rae should get out of prison in 2018. It's ironic I bring this up, because his son just turned 10). Now, Chris Henry has met a terrible demise - in Charlotte. As some of you know, I drafted Chris Henry on my criminal fantasy football team this year (he'd been arrested like 8 times or so). I hope I didn't jinx him with picking him. From everything I heard, Henry had taken steps to turn his life around here the past 18 months or so. If there is some jinx with being a Bengal and on my fantasy football team, then Cedric Benson needs to stay away from boating this off season...and to all my receivers (Brandon Marshall, Santonio Holmes, Percy Harvin, and Jeremy Maclin {who, to be fair, has not been in trouble with the law}), stay the hell out of Charlotte. Please.

Christmas Eve is quickly approaching here this week. And that fact brings to mind last Christmas Eve. I was in the town Elaine Benes is from for the night. My first mistake was stopping at the Exxon for a little petrol. While there, I spotted, or I should say was spotted by Hoot and the other brother who hang around Get Bent lounge looking for a handout (I can't remember the other brother's name - I'm terrible with names). Anyway, these dudes were getting some 40's and begged me for a ride to their apartment. It was only like 2 minutes away, and against my better judgment, I obliged. Nothing really came of the trip - until I dropped them off. Hoot was in the back and the moment he got out of my car and closed the door, I noticed an odor had stayed behind - the distinct odor of barf. He hadn't barfed on the short car ride from the Exxon, so I wasn't sure what the deal was. After I pulled into the Get Bent Lounge parking lot, I did a little investigation into what was going on with this barf stench. As I looked over where Hoot had been sitting in the back seat, I noticed a copious pile of dried vomit. I ran into Get Bent Lounge and had George get me some stuff to try and clean it up. But, that back seat stank ever so slightly of Hoot's vomit for several months afterwards. Needless to say, I haven't given Hoot and his running buddy a ride since. Well, it was right before kick off of the Hawaii bowl at this point (about 8 or so) and I settled into a bar stool and I'll be damned but J walks in and starts blabbing about some inane sports trivia. I was drinking pretty quickly, obviously. About a half hour later, Andy, Mary, and Mama Stills showed up. And that was nice, because it's always pleasant to have a drink with Mama Stills, and whenever Mary gets out to Get Bent Lounge, it's a happening. Later that night, long after Mama Stills and Mary had taken off, things got a little out of hand. It's hard to recall seeing so many drunks come out of the woodwork at Get Bent Lounge (except for Thanksgiving Eve of course). I had never realized that so many people are so sick of out of town relatives by 10:30 on Christmas Eve, that they head to dive bars in droves to get hammered. Shitfaced hammered. It was quite enlightening (and I am rarely enlightened with bar related matters at this point in life). Eventually, the Dream Team shows up, their STD riddled bodies reeking of cheap alcohol, vaginal juices, and sheer woe. Andy had to make absolutely sure that he got me out of there unscathed. And he did. Andy's a good kid. I won't be up in the town where Elaine Benes is from this Christmas Eve, but for anyone who might be, my advice is this: if a couple of barf reeking brothers approach you for a ride, run for your life. And if J asks you for a lock, send him to a hardware store. And lastly, if the redheaded Dream Teamer gets a little frisky with you, be sure to have Andy around to drag your ass to safety.

I mentioned the Faceshit briefly earlier in this entry and I just checked it again and noticed that I have a Christmas Kisses Request from old Mrs Rummer (I mentioned her in some posts back in the spring). I'm not sure how to respond to such a request. I'm thinking of sending the Christmas Kisses Request along to one of the Jacobys, they are so nice that they'd probably kiss right back. But not me, I don't even have a clue how you kiss someone over the Faceshit, but it sounds gross, and potentially hazardous to your health. You may get some kind of virus...get it??? Ha!!! I'm hysterical.

Whistle your favorite tune

We'll send a card and flowers

The Tiger Goes Cougar

Well, more fascinatingly nauseating news on The Tiger front has emerged here the last few days. And we should have seen the first thing coming - The Tiger was doing a cougar for the past 5 years or so. I've seen a few photos of this cougar, and I gotta say she is the first reasonably not terrible woman who has been linked to The Tiger the past few weeks. It does make me wonder if The Tiger has considered further ventures into the animal kingdom however. I mean when will word of The Tiger doing a Horseface come out? Or a straight up snake? Or a cow? Or a bull dyke? Or maybe just a chicken like that guy in the South Park episode from back in the 90's?

The other piece of personal news relating to The Tiger is that it looks like Jesper Parnevik's nanny may be doing just as I predicted on this blog early last week - divorcing his ass, moving back to Sweden, and trying to forget she ever got mixed up with The Tiger in the first place. As always, I'm prescient. No doubt about that.

Also, the AP has come out with its athlete of the decade and The Tiger did get the award. I don't have too much of an issue with the choice, other than you can argue that golf is a skill and not a sport. Those arguments are pretty pointless though. I've wasted enough energy arguing with guys in bars about whether golf, bowling, auto racing, darts, billiards, and archery/shooting are sports or skills. Let me just say that NASCAR dudes get very upset if you question the athletic prowess of some of their favorite drivers.

The thing about naming the athlete or movie or album or song or TV show or whatever of the decade that I don't get is the math aspect of the whole thing. As far as I know, there was no year 0000. They skipped right from 1 B.C. to 1 A.D. So, if that's the case, wouldn't a decade end in year 10, not year 09? It was like that whole silliness over Y2K. That wasn't really the end of the millennium - a year later was. Anyway, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle on this argument and no one wants to hear it anyway. So, ...

Also, often I think we need more time to decide on the best of something before deciding how well something holds up over time. Like the best album of the 90's for instance. If I recall correctly, Spin named Nevermind the best album of the decade. And I love Nevermind as much as the next guy born between 1964 and 1973. But I'm not sure it is the best album of the 90s now. I listen more often to Oasis (Morning Glory), Beck (Odelay), Smashing Pumpkins (Siamese Dream), REM (Automatic For The People), and U2 (Achtung Baby) than I do Nevermind at this point. For what it's worth, I'd have no idea how to pick an album of the 00's at this point. But as far as song of the decade goes, Hey Ya has to be it. Brilliant. And catchy. And it makes me cry every time I hear it. As far as best movie goes, one stands out way ahead of everything else, I mean way ahead - and that is Lost In Translation, obviously. As far as TV show, I could actually make a bit of a list on that: 1) The Office (both versions, I can't even begin to pick between David Brent and Michael Scott), 2) Sopranos, 3) Curb Your Enthusiasm, 4) Mad Men, 5) Robot Chicken, 6) Freaks & Geeks, and then I get a little fuzzy. I think I am gonna try and do a whole blog on the greatest sporting events of the past 10 years here next week. That will be can't miss (of course, all my posts are can't miss, right?)

I saw where the angry, bitter guy on the MSNBC (the one who used to work with the En Fuego guy, has been fired countless times, and steals from Edward R Murrow) and I are in total agreement on this health care fiasco. I have noted several times on this blog that I would just as soon pay any fine, serve any jail time, whatever it takes to avoid being a part of any government mandated health care deal. And even though I highly doubt anyone at the MSNBC reads this blog, I have a new ally in my sheer disdain for this silliness. Of course, the reason that the guy who used to work with the En Fuego guy, has been fired countless times, and steals from Edward R Murrow is against it is that it's not socialist enough for him. And maybe the 2 of us agreeing that we both hate this health care deal should make me reconsider not supporting it. So, hold on a bit..Okay...Another minute...I still don't support it. Maybe the 2 of us will end up in jail together after not participating in the government mandates over this mess. If we do, I'm guessing I won't like him much, as I think he's a Yankees fan after all. And everyone knows that Jesus hates the Yankees. Admittedly, his breath is probably rank too - and that wouldn't help matters either, you know what with being in close quarters and all...I mean, it is jail for god's sake...

Fool enough to almost be it

Cool enough to not quite see it, doomed

The Tiger Eats At Perkins

I was gonna continue on with more tales of Christmas shopping today, and some more weird stuff did happen last Friday when I ventured over to the Not So Friendly Center and had a surreal experience that involved an Izod salesgirl, a loud old woman, handcuffs, perfume, parking spots, and fuzzy gloves...I may get to it here soon (the part about the parking spots is priceless). Instead, there was a bit of news that caught my eye and I feel compelled to comment on it.

And of course that news involves The Tiger. I have a new favorite mistress in this whole train wreck. And she is a girl who The Tiger picked up at a Perkins Restaurant. I mean to say, she was a waitress at the Perkins. The Tiger picked up an $8 an hour waitress from the Perkins and had an ongoing affair with her over at least a year or so. What would happen is that when Jesper Parnevik's nanny was out of town, The Tiger would drive over to Perkins and wait in his Escalade for the girl to get off work and then she'd follow The Tiger to his house (how cheap - on 2 levels: 1) that The Tiger wouldn't pay for some nice hotel for his extra-marital skankfests and 2) that he'd totally disrespect Jesper Parnevik's nanny by doing a Perkins skank in her home). This Perkins waitress would follow The Tiger home in her Saturn and do him then get booted out til the next time The Tiger got horny and couldn't take the time to drive more than 5 minutes to Perkins to get his skank fix. This waitress' sister was interviewed and swears that this stupid Perkins ho had convinced herself that The Tiger was really into her, and she even had hopes of being with The Tiger long term in some fantasy world she'd created in her pea sized brain. Of all the 12 or 13 hos who've come forward so far as being part of The Tiger's bevy of sleazy skanks, this Perkins girl is my favorite. Why, you may wonder? Well, I've been to Perkins a few times (the one in Cincinnati near the UC campus). Granted, each time I was there it was about 4 in the morning and I was hammered. Now, the food there is atrocious. The only use it serves is as grease to absorb some of the alcohol in your stomach. So, the fact that The Tiger would go to such an awful place to eat is really sad (was there no Denny's nearby?). But mainly what I recall about the Perkins is the waitresses who worked the overnight shift at the location near the UC campus in Cincinnati - they were deplorable, nasty, and reeking of disease and pestilence. And to think our hero, The Tiger, would stoop to picking up a Perkins skank and doing her in his wife's bed...You gotta love this story. Pure class. I can't wait to read more about this girl from Perkins. I hope she goes on Oprah and tells her story.

The other awesome development with The Tiger story is that he is appearing on the cover of some golf magazine right now with Barack Hussein Obama. The headline promises to delve into the 10 things that old Barry can learn from The Tiger. After laughing for about 5 minutes when seeing this, I started to contemplate just what the 10 things were exactly that Barry might learn from The Tiger. Here a few ideas I came up with:

1) Hang with MJ and Barkley long enough to lose total sense of reality.

2) Hire an asshole from New Zealand to throw reporters' cameras into ponds when they're (the reporters, not the ponds, silly...) bugging you.

3) Do ads for Buick, but drive the Escalade.

4) Marry for appearance purposes only (oh wait, Barry already aced this one).

5) Nail girls that look like cheap imitations of your attractive wife (oh wait, Barry doesn't have an attractive wife, oops).

6) Porn stars are quick to exploit you for a buck.

7) White skanks are easy to dupe because they have Daddy issues (oh no, wait again, he'd know this, as Barry's mother no doubt had Daddy issues).

8) When you eat at Perkins, ask to sample the pie...

I hope Andy didn't have any beer in his mouth when he read that last one, because if he did, it's all over the place now...

Speaking of our awesome fake leader, the great Barack Hussein Obama, I noticed that he is starting a new tradition at the White House that de-emphasizes the religious aspects of Christmas this holiday season. And I gotta give it to old Barry here, as there's no way to lose popularity faster with regular folks than sending the message that Christmas is about little more than Santa, Toys R Us, lacy panties, and hardware. I do have a Christmas card for Barry that I'm gonna get in the mail yet this week. I am thanking him for giving me so much material to write about this year. He's been a godsend, at least in terms of mockery. Even Jon Stewart is starting to turn on the guy now - unbelievable...

Speaking of Christmas time, I watched the movie with Uncle Billy and Clarence the angel again recently. As some of you might recall, I blogged about the film last year. And I was somewhat glib and flippant about it then (2 strengths of mine). But, in all honesty, it is a dark, dark, dark film. If most people only realized what it's really saying, then it would be appreciated by far fewer folks, but it would be known for what it really is as least - a look into the worst impulses of humankind and how, when push comes to shove, man is, like Hobbs said, wolf to every other man. Instead, the thing is beloved for all the wrong reasons. It makes me a little melancholy...

Well, I saw where Hoarders is back on the air on the A&E. I flipped over for awhile during halftime of the MNF game. This time they were profiling a brother in Boston who had stuff piled everywhere in his apartment. I'm not sure how it turned out (as the football started back up at about 10:30 or so), but I did have 2 revelations from this latest installment of Hoarders 1) I had never realized black folks hoard and 2) I think I figured out what happened to my man Dennis Oil Can Boyd over the years, because the guy on Hoarders from Boston last night strongly resembled The Oil Can.

I got lots of angry feedback to last week's assertion that Tim Tebow may be a chronic masturbator. And I stand by my utter conjecture on the whole issue, but I would like to remind the Tebow fans that there is still only one 2-time winner of the Heisman Trophy, and that is my main main main man - Archie Fucking Griffin.

Run, Run, Rudolph

Christmas Shopping - Part 1

I went out last Friday and actually stumbled into a few stores to buy some stuff for Christmas. And shopping is not one of my favorite activities, to say the least. I always seem to choose a Friday afternoon to race in and out of stores and make my purchases as quickly as possible. The problem is that other people are also out shopping. And that tends to really slow me down considerably. Women in Greensboro shop very slowly and are way too talkative.

I went into the mall over at 4 Horsemen first. I needed to stop at a place called Bathing The Body Works. While I'm checking out, the girl working the register asks me for my email. And I said, "Why? Are you gonna contact me for a date or something?" She said, "No. We email special offers and coupons to our customers from time to time." I said, "From time to time? I only come in this store once a year to buy this warm vanilla sugar stuff. And that's it." She said, "Well, you don't have to give me your email if you don't want." I replied, "Good. I don't want to and I'm not. I'm outta here." She said, "Have a great day!" And as I was walking to exit the joint, I said, "Not very likely." The only good thing about the whole ordeal with the checkout girl in Bathing The Body Works was that I am a big fan of that vanilla crap they sell. If the right girl is wearing it, then...

I then went into a calendar store. And they had way too many to choose from. It's like when I go into a bookstore and tell the clerks in there that I wish they only had one book in stock because picking one or two out of thousands is impossible. Same thing with this calendar place - they had a whole wall of doggy and kitty calenders. And then next to that they had the beefcake calenders. Anyway, this girl who works there sees me and asks if I need any help. About that time I noticed a day by day calender that promised 365 great sex tips for every day of the year. I asked the girl how many of these she'd sold. She said "You'd be surprised, quite a few." I said "After about 150 days or so, I'd be clean out of new ideas. I mean my mind can only imagine so many positions." She said "Well maybe the calender can help." I replied, "I highly doubt that. I'm not sure who these people are who came up with this 365 days of sex calender, but I would be very surprised if their imaginations were as fertile as mine, and their complete lack of shame was akin to mine as well." The girl said, "Well...you've got a point there I guess." I said "Damn right I got a point. Just ring me up for a calender with some photos of something and let me be on my way. I can't stay here another minute." And I didn't either. I bolted. Damn sex calenders. Pitiful.

I then walked past the Victorian Secretion on my way out of the 4 Horsemen Mall. And one of the girls who works there is standing outside the store trying to lure men in there to buy sexy lingerie for who knows who. So, I'm doing my best to avoid this Victorian Secretion girl and be on my way. But I'll be damned, she said this to me as I was attempting to race past "We've got great deals on lacy panties." I wasn't sure how to respond to that, but I decided on "I doubt you've got my size in stock." She said, "Oh baby. I bet we can find something that will fit you nice and snug." I was kind of startled by her statement and should have kept walking, but I said this instead "What do think my size is, for lacy panties? I mean how could you possibly guess that?" She replied "You look like a 7 baby." I said "What does that even mean, a 7?" "Come on in and I'll show you something you'll love and it will fit so snugly and you'll feel so sexy." I said "I highly doubt that, I mean the sexy part. I don't doubt the snug part though. I bet you're dead on there." Next thing I know, me and this Victorian Secretion girl are wading through a table of lacy panties, and yes they had size 7's - plenty of size 7's. She talked me into buying 3 pairs of them. And I can report that they are snug. Too snug, at times. And I don't feel all that sexy in them to be honest. But that Victorian Secretion girl, you gotta hand it to her, she was a helluva salesgirl...If you see me out around town and I look like I'm walking a little uncomfortably, like I might have something a bit constricting on, now you know why.

More shopping adventures coming soon. Merry Christmas!!!

Quigley's Christmas Picture

The nice family in Charlotte who took Quigley in earlier this year (the folks who started a blog for Quigley) posted some Christmas photos on the blog recently. Anyway, above is one of old Quigley out at a park by some lake or river. How they ever trained him to sit still for a picture is beyond me. I could never get him to sit still for anything, especially outdoors. All he ever wanted to do outdoors was chase squirrels, sticks, or tennis balls. I'm guessing they had to give Quigley puppy Prozac to keep him calm for the photo shoot. He certainly looks pretty chipper though, particularly if he is on some kind of doggy drug. Also, although it's hard to see in the photo, Quigley is sporting a very suave argyle sweater.

Merry Christmas!!!

Pig Jowls At The Food Slug

I was flipping around the old TV and saw that our friend Barry's popularity is at a staggeringly low 47% in a recent poll done by something called Gallup (maybe Gallup is involved in the carriage ride business?). And that is the lowest popularity number EVER for a president not even 11 months into his 1st term. How did this happen? Well, I would like to take some of the credit, but obviously that's ridiculous. This silly blog couldn't possibly have any real effect on public opinion (although, to be fair, I was way ahead of the curve in warning people about old Barry and his horrific agenda - just go back through the archives of this blog for evidence, I've never gone back and deleted one post, it's all there). I actually have been agreeing with a few things Barry's been proposing lately (more troops in Afghanistan, tax cuts for small business), but the overwhelming truth has become clearer and clearer - folks were duped last year by the Obama/messiah silliness and now they've woken up to the reality of what a catastrophe the man is, at least as a leader. I feel kinda bad for the guy. He's in way over his head and keeps lying to make things seem not as bad as they are, and it's hard to get too mad at his lying constantly - I don't know what his other options are. I mentioned yesterday that maybe old Barry should concentrate on exploring his homosexual tendencies (if he really has any, I have no idea) as a means of trying to slow down all the stuff he's trying to pull off that isn't going to work and in fact will, like the policies passed all year, just make things worse. The guy's in a bad spot. And it's not as much fun to mock him now, not that I'll quit of course. It's just not the same.

More The Tiger news! It seems that The Tiger, like many famous and not so famous folks, may have participated in some kind of videotaping of his extra-marital liaisons. It seems that something called Playgirl is trying to authenticate alleged images of The Tiger in an engorged state (if you know what I mean...). I'm sure Jesper Parnevik's nanny won't be too pleased with this development. Also, it appears The Tiger texted one of his hos disparaging remarks about his wife. And when those texts are made public, I promise to comment on a few of the more damning ones. It should be fun! This story is awesome. And people questioned me for years about why I had a gut feeling that The Tiger was a horrible person. One likely explanation is that I am a horrible person (as I've noted time after time on this blog the past year or so), and I recognized something in The Tiger's countenance, demeanor, or whatever that almost no one else could see. I have no idea. All I can tell you is that the truth is coming out now and at least one person saw it coming all along. Granted, I had no idea The Tiger's real character would be revealed at the age of 33. I figured it would be later in life (like OJ). But here it is...

I stumbled into the Food Slug recently to buy some food. And the check-out clerk was so completely unqualified to run a cash register, that as I stood in the line in bored terror, watching this woman try to pay for her pig jowls and be on her way, I said to no one in particular, "You know, pork is the other white meat."

I checked the Faceshit again and received an official invitation to the Christmas party/caroling deal the Jacobys are throwing Saturday night (I mentioned this event recently). And I'm not gonna be able to make it, which is probably best for all the other attendees. The reason being is that me showing up at a religious themed Christmas Party is about like a fully erect Joe Biden showing up at an old folk's home - it's gonna end badly and messy. Very messy - in a sticky way...

There seems to be a lot of hype surrounding this new Jimmy Cameron movie. It's called Avatar. I have no intention of ever seeing it. From the commercials and the trailer I've seen, all the characters look like distant relatives of Jar Jar Binks. Now, if Mace Windu were involved in some way, I might reconsider. But I'm not sitting through 2 or more hours of Jar Jar Binks' relatives walking around saying things like, "Missa horny." Or, "Missa no where missa penis be." Stuff like that.

There's also a new movie out with the girl from Jerusalem. And the girl from Jerusalem has some experience acting with Jar Jar Binks in Star Whores, Episode 1: The Fainting Man Ass.
That experience should have prepared the girl from Jerusalem for almost anything in her career. Because Star Whores, Episode 1: The Fainting Man Ass, is unwatchably silly.

I've been chastised recently by a few of the degenerates at Playas for making interesting comments about NFL QB's during Sunday Ticket action. Just for the record, here are the new nicknames I have coined for some of the NFL's signal callers:

Josh Freeman - The black Steve Young

Tom Brady- The white Jason Campbell

Jason Campbell - The black Tom Brady

Ryan Fitzpatrick - The white Akili Smith

Mark Sanchez - The Mexican Joe Montana

Bruce Gradkowski - One of the 10 best Polish Quarterbacks not named Ron Jaworski

Philip Rivers- Phil

Matt Hasselback - The Man With the Most Testosterone in the NFL (actually, this one I've been using for years)

Matthew Stafford - The Petulant Preppy

Brady Quinn - Damn, He's Terrible

Tony Romo -Tony Fucking Romo (also been using this one for years)

Peyton Manning - God

I've been noticing lots of Christmas decorations being put up around Greensboro here the past week or so. And there are these giant blow-up likenesses of Rudolph and Santa that I've noticed in a number of yards. I was driving past a guy out in his yard putting up a giant blow-up Santa the other day and I stopped, rolled down the window, and asked the dude, "What use do you get from that giant blow-up Santa the rest of the year?" The dude says "Oh, my mother-in-law uses it as a sexual aide." I asked, "How?" He replied, "She likes to grind into the tip of his nose until climax." I said, "Oh, that makes sense. Thanks."

I don't dream about anyone

Except myself

The Tiger Wears Red

It looks like things are getting worse by the hour for The Tiger, as his poor mother-in-law was rushed to the hospital overnight. I have no idea what the problem was, but wouldn't be too surprised if she passed out from watching the TV coverage of all the cocktail waitresses he's banged coming forward for their fleeting moments of fame. That or maybe there was some foul play involved. You never know. The Tiger might have gotten so pissed by his mother-in-law badgering him about all his skanks, that he lost it for a minute and in a state of drunken and Vicodin fueled rage did something regrettable. I sure hope that's not the case. But, if you've ever seen the way he snaps at photographers on the golf course, it's clear he has anger management issues. I've seen him fly off the handle a number of times over the years - at the drop of a hat. Whatever the case, my guess is that Jesper Parnevik's nanny may want to consider getting herself and her mother on a plane back to Sweden and try to forget she ever got mixed up with a perverted and angry golf prodigy. Who could blame her?

I also saw where one of The Tiger's skanks claimed that he liked her to wear red lace panties during their extra-marital sex sessions. The Tiger has a thing for red, as he wears it during the final round of tournaments. I guess what I'm wondering is, if you marry a Swedish bikini model/Jesper Parnevik's nanny, wouldn't she look just as good, if not better, than these cocktail hos in some red lingerie? Doesn't that seem plausible? I fear what may be coming out next is news that The Tiger himself enjoys wearing red lace panties during his extra-marital sex romps. I know, I know, you think I'm being unnecessarily cruel with this speculation. But, just wait. Wait for more details. The Tiger may be a kindred spirit of my man Marv Albert (YES!). Time will tell, because this awesome story is not dying any time soon.

I got a number of texts during last night's football game. And the general theme was one of utter disgust at the Ravens play, Cam Cameron's play calling, the officials, and Joe Flacco. Personally, I think the play calling was such because Cameron has lost some confidence in Flacco. Now, why that is, I can only speculate. But Flacco did look completely lost on a number of plays last night. You don't want to overreact to something like that, but it's disturbing for Ravens fans, I know because I'm friends with many of them. Their season is not over, yet. But they need to win their last 4 games and hope Denver or Jacksonville collapses. As far as the officiating goes, it wasn't good, but the weird calls didn't exclusively hurt the Ravens. It was equal opportunity crap. There was plenty to go around. One other thought on the Ravens, it's clear they should have spent more high draft picks on cornerbacks in recent years. The guys out there this season, when they've faced any kind of respectable quarterback, have been exposed. As frauds. It almost makes you long to see Cory Ivy covering the slot against Hines Ward again. Wait, scratch that. No it doesn't. I spent a whole afternoon in the cold watching that last December and then again in the AFC Championship game. It wasn't pretty. The kid did is best though. Remember Cory Ivy played in the XFL and led the league in interceptions. And no one can ever take that away from him. Ivy will forever be the all time leader in career interceptions for the XFL. If you remember the quality of quarterback play in the XFL (Wally Richardson and Casey Weldon come to mind), then that is an impressive feat by Ivy. Well, it is if you define impressive as meaning pathetic. Also, I should never mention the XFL without saying something about my main main main man, Rod Fucking Smart - He Hate Me. In all seriousness, I feel like my entire life has at least some tiny bit of meaning due to the fact I got to watch Rod Smart play football. Because, when Rod Smart was returning kicks for the Carolina Panthers (particularly his incredible 100 yard TD against the Saints), I would scream 3 words every time he got the ball in his hands, those words were - "He Hate Me!"

Geilfuss sent me a text last week from his stint in jury duty. I'm assuming he'll blog about it at some point (and that blog entry will no doubt be incoherent, per usual). Anyway, he noted that the folks at the courthouse made all the jurors watch a video that explained what a sacred duty they were all performing. I texted Geilfuss back with this query: Does the video feature Christy Canyon?

Speaking of Geilfuss, I guess it's time for another survivor update. We are, in fact, still alive after 13 weeks of NFL action. The problem is that 31 others are as well. Most guys gotta be running out of good teams to use at this point. Geilfuss and I have a number of decent options left for the final 4 weeks. I think we gotta roll with the Titans this week though. And hope we weed the number of guys left down to under 20 somehow.

I feel like I've been giving our fake leader, Barack Hussein Obama, a free pass here lately. I've barely been mentioning him. And I don't really have anything to attack him for at the moment either. Although, come to think of it, Geilfuss sent me another text recently from some check-out line and saw in one of the publications they sell at check-out lines (maybe the NY Times???) that old Barry was gay. I saw a similar headline back in the winter and commented on it in this very blog (I think the punchline was: pitcher or catcher?). I do wonder how old Barry has the time to ruin our economy, push socialized medicine, scare the hell out of our allies, be a good dad, and stay on his wife's good side, while partaking in a little anal lovemaking with I'm not sure who. He's stretching himself awfully thin. I'm a little worried about the guy. Maybe if he'd just concentrate on one thing fully, his health would be better. Personally, my vote would be for him to focus on this alleged butt cowboy friend of his. At least if he's all involved with passionate gay lovemaking, he can't screw things up at quite the same rate as he has been. It's certainly something to think about.

Can't get much worse...

The Tiger Gets His Ass Kicked By Jesper Parnevik's Nanny

A tragic event has befallen our greatest national treasure. The Tiger has had some bad publicity lately. And while no one roots against The Tiger in majors more than yours truly, this scandal and all these repulsive hos coming out of the woodwork makes me sad. Well, ... no it doesn't. I've been laughing my ass off. The ridiculous Christ-like image that the media built up The Tiger to be was always phony and anyone who didn't think he was a horrible human being the past 10 or 12 years is either a moron or not thinking about such things clearly. I would normally be the last person to criticize anyone for nailing as many skanks as possible. But, once The Tiger decided to get married to Jesper Parnevik's nanny 5 years ago, he needed to leave the skanks behind. The sheer stupidity and cluelessness The Tiger displayed in not thinking all of this was gonna hit the fan at some point is breathtaking. And it's impossible not to find it amusing that he's getting his comeuppance over all of this. I hope the nanny divorces him, or even better, pulls a Lorena Bobbitt on him and then divorces him. Of course, my man Y.E. Yang is still the hero of the year for taking down The Tiger at the PGA. Thanks, Thanks, Thanks again Y.E. You are awesome. Maybe the nanny will leave The Tiger and get with Y.E. at some point. That would really piss The Tiger off.

By the way, if you ever get the chance to see the "film" Frankenpenis starring John Wayne Bobbitt, don't.

I saw where there is some huge world gathering on climate change. It's in Denmark of all places. And Albert Arnold Gore is no doubt front and center at this deal. The problem with having a summit on climate change is that it's utterly pointless. While there is no doubt that global temperatures have risen over the past number of decades, and one could even argue that man has played some role in the climate change (something that has always struck me as impossible to prove), what blows me away is the idea that man can somehow reverse rising global temperatures through some number of measures. How??? Isn't it slightly audacious (to steal one of Barry's favorite words) to think that man can slow down, much less reverse rising temperatures? It's ridiculous. And even if man could by some process or number of procedures or rules accomplish cooling the planet, how could Albert Arnold Gore and his nutty buddies (they taste pretty good by the way, the little cookie things, not Al Gore's friends - yuck!) ever get every government on the face of the earth to participate? The whole exercise is silly and smacks of sheer chutzpah.

The huge World Cup draw was held last week. And I gotta say, the USA should be really pleased with how the draw went. We should be able to beat Algeria and Slovenia and that will get us through the group stage, no matter what happens against Wayne Rooney and the English side. One of the most positive developments of the draw is that many more Americans will be aware that there is, in fact, a country called Slovenia in the world. Also, I noticed they got Charlize Theron to help with the announcement of the draw. And she looked bored by the whole thing. She looked good though. I'll say that for her. She always looks good. Even when she played that hooker serial killer and tried to look nasty, she still looked pretty good. Charlize Theron...

Many folks are rightfully making the Spanish the favorites for the World Cup, and you'll get no disagreement from me. But watch out for the Dutch. And I would tout Ivory Coast as well, but they got a terrible draw. Terrible.

It looks like another college football regular season has ended and once again the whole BCS silliness is a mess. I don't waste time bashing the BCS. It's pointless (much like life itself). Just tell me what the match ups are, and what the lines are. That's all that matters. Having said that, TCU and Boise St are gonna play in the Fiesta Bowl and that's fine I guess. But it's also a shame. I would really enjoy seeing either team play Florida, Texas, Cincinnati, Ga Tech, Bama, or even Iowa. Instead they have to play each other. I think the line will be about TCU -6. And I would lay the points there. As for the other pointless BCS games, look for UC to be getting just over a TD against the Gators, Iowa getting about 6 against Ga Tech, Oregon laying about a field goal against TOSU, and Bama by 5 or so against the Longhorns. And, let me state now, a month before the "championship" game, that Bama will roll Texas by 13 or more.

Speaking of college football, I thoroughly enjoyed seeing Tim Tebow play like shit, get battered around, and leave the Georgia Dome humiliated Saturday. That was awesome. Hell, I even enjoyed the Capital One bowl 2 years ago, where Tebow and his boys were crucified by the University Of Michigan. It's not all Tebow's fault that the media have made him Christ incarnate (similar to how they've treated The Tiger, see above). But it's nauseating all the same. I am really looking forward to seeing Tebow try and play QB in the NFL. I just hope some organization is stupid and desperate enought to try it. Could you imagine what Jared Allen would do to Tebow? Or DeMarcus Ware?

I did notice that Tebow had a bible verse written in his eye black for Saturday's game. Now, I can't say I'm an expert on the bible. But, evidently there is a whole book about the bathroom in there, because Tebow had the word John written under one of his eyes. And if Tebow's favorite book of the bible involves going to the john, then I think he's stranger than I imagined. I know he was home schooled and all. I figured it was for religious reasons. But based on the bathroom fixation revelation, I'd say that maybe Tebow was home schooled because he's a chronic masturbator and his folks didn't want him in a public high school's bathroom jacking off every hour. And really, who can blame them? That's some serious parental love. God bless the Tebow family!

More big news is out of that papist enclave in the pastures of Indiana. The Irish finally fired that glutton Charlie Wies. He never won one big game. Ever. I was hoping they would keep him around for another season or more. Because a very predictable betting trend developed with Wies, especially this season. When the Irish were favored, bet against them (UConn, Navy, etc). When they were getting points (Pitt, Stanford), bet on them. They were gold. And their nickname is the Golden Domers, or Golden Showers, or something. So, ...

The other thing about Weis is that he accused Pete Carroll of having an affair with a student and nobody in LA caring about this supposed transgression (to steal The Tiger's word of choice - see above). And I have no idea if Pete is doing whatever with coeds. Who cares? What I find interesting is that Weis would go out of his way to make such an allegation a few days after being canned. Why? Sour grapes? Rank jealousy? Whatever the reason, I think it's safe to say that if Weis had 2 National Titles and an almost spotless record in BCS games (thanks again Vince Young), he could shack up with the Pope's illegitimate daughter (I know, I know, you're wondering how the Pope could possibly have a legitimate daughter, and you make a point) and no one would care.

It looks like the US Senate is still debating this health care deal. I haven't been following the debate too closely. And I'm not an expert on anything, much less Senatorial bluster, but I'm guessing that they're going to keep talking and talking and talking about it for weeks more on end. And as long as they never actually pass the thing, then I'm all for all the pointless talking. Keep it up Harry Reid!

Very bad day yesterday with the bets. And I gotta say, Tom Brady played so poorly and screwed me and Brandon so badly, that we have started calling him the white Jason Campbell. Also, the Bolts prevent defense, all it did was prevent us from covering...Pitiful.

I want to apologize to Andy and Jeff for not being able to make it to the big trivia semi-final last Thursday. I was super busy and couldn't get away. The good news is that I just checked the trivia company website and I am super happy to report that the guy who plays devil's advocate and studies his notes did not win the championship game. So, I'm sure that Tom is suicidal right now. Hang in there Tom. On 2nd thought, well, keep contemplating Tom...

I saw on the Faceshit that the Jacobys are having some kind of Christmas party this weekend, where promises of old fashioned caroling are made. Or should I say threats of old fashioned caroling are made. What would be cool is if Geilfuss and I staggered to this party dead drunk and changed all the lyrics to the carols to be pornographic. I think everyone would enjoy that. That's the real spirit of Christmas right there.

As I mentioned above, I was pretty busy the past couple weeks and didn't get a chance to blog about one of the weirdest days of the year - Black Friday. I've never done any shopping on Black Friday, but when I was a kid they had this stupid thing at the convention center in downtown Columbus called the Festival Of Trees (I'm not making this up). And nothing is more boring to a 10-12 year old kid than being stuck at a Festival Of Trees for several hours on the Friday after Thanksgiving. The whole point of it was that companies would sponsor these Christmas trees and decorate them very elaborately. There were at least 50 of them, maybe more. I used to sit in the part of the convention center floor where they had different groups caroling all day (the Jacobys would probably have enjoyed it). What I would do to kill the time until we had to return to the orphanage was walk up to various female carolers and ask if they were named Carol. The confused looks on their faces only amused me for so long, then I would get into real trouble. What I liked to do was kind of join in with a group of singers. Only I wouldn't sing with them. I'd just stand there and point at some girl's rack who was up on the stage singing. Eventually I'd get kicked off the stage and receive a stern talking to from the orphanage director. But I never minded getting a stern talking to by the orphanage director. Because I liked to ask her about her trim presentation vis a vis the holidays. I mean did she shave her trim into the shape of a reindeer? Or Santa face (admittedly, you'd have to have pretty thick bush to pull this off, or maybe I should be delicate and say you'd have to have access to a broad canvas)? Anyway, by the time she was finished scolding me, it was time to leave the Festival Of Trees. And every year I was able to find out one valuable nugget of information about the orphanage director, she liked to keep things raw - no matter the time of year.

Yellow matter mustard

Dripping from a dead dog's eye

Thanks For Nothing

If you wanna read a post about Thanksgiving, go back in the archives of this blog to last November and reread my post from then. If I dare say so, it's pretty amusing. I'm not gonna write another one today. I could, but I'm not in the mood and besides we've got kickoff coming here soon - enjoy the day and remember to be thankful for alcohol, because without it...WOW! Things would be rough. They really would.

Also, roll with the G Men tonight. As Denny Green might say, Josh McDaniels is who we thought he was. The Giants won't let them off the hook though.

Gobble. Gobble. Gobble.

Trivial Matters

I've been receiving some interesting feedback from dedicated readers of this blog recently concerning the wild and completely pointless world of trivia. Basically folks are curious why I've had so little about trivia silliness in recent posts. The answer to that lies in the fact that I'm about trivia exhausted. I put so much time and mental energy into it for such a long period of time that I think I started to experience burnout. I don't know how the Tom (the guy who plays devil's advocate and studies his notes) types of the world can keep playing these trivia games night after night, week after week, month after month, and year after year without getting sick of it. I really don't. Besides that, it's football season and my attention span at a trivia game is basically non-existent if there's a game being played during the trivia. I normally spend half the time during a Thursday game at Patrick Bateman's asking Andy what just happened. Maybe I'll get back at it at some point. Who knows???

On the bright side of the trivia front, it looks like our team has qualified for the playoffs from the Turquoise Terrapin for the season - no thanks to me as I think I made it to 1 or 2 games all fall. It just goes to show that Andy, Jeff, Dan, and Mary don't need me around to do just fine at it. It also looks like Nana and her crew are hanging in there at their location and I only made it 1 time to help them out all fall.

Speaking of trivial matters, I noticed awhile back that on the Showtime Trivia website that Brian has taken to writing a weekly blog about things that annoy him (I think he calls it Brian's Rants or something). I'm not sure where he got the idea for this ranting thing, but I do think he has read this blog before from time to time. So I might be culpable for unleashing Brian's rants on the World Wide Web of Deceit. I've read 2 or 3 of these rants of his, and I gotta say that I can't tell if it's supposed to be satire or genuine venom half the time. It's pretty confusing. Maybe I'm not smart enough to get Brian, but I don't think that's the case. I really don't. Maybe Brian is busy working on more dog bite questions for a $1000. That would be awesome. Awesomely ridiculous. Good luck to everyone who has to suffer through his championship game this Saturday night. As for me, I'll be sitting at Playas watching the old college pigskin action with Brandon. Depending how things go, I might be suffering as well. It would just be a different kind of suffering. The kind of suffering that doesn't involve dog bite questions though. So, there's no way it would be as excruciating at Playas compared to the big trivia mess that will be unleashed at whatever shitty bar Brian finds to hold all the pitiful, ugly, sad, nasty trivia teams (that does not include the Jacobys if they're playing this fall, I have no idea what they're up to as far as trivia these days)- no matter what happens with the football games. Good luck to all who will be there. And most importantly when Gramma Dave mis-scores some team's final question and screws up the end of the game - remember, he's doing it out of sheer drunken loneliness, as he pines for a granola girl who is moderately cute. He's not screwing up because of utter incompetence, as he'll leave that distinction to Brian. And if anyone reading this sees the guy who plays devil's advocate and studies his notes at this game Saturday, tell him I miss him terribly and give him a big kiss on the cheek for me (after all, he's got an excellent complexion!).

It looks like Barack Hussein Obama and his minions are at it again with these asinine claims about jobs being created or "saved" by the stimulating packages deal. Even though over 3 million jobs have been lost since old Barry took office, he has the balls to claim that it would be unknowingly worse if not for all the jobs "saved" by the package stimulation. About the only jobs I'm certain have been saved by this whole thing are the dudes working overtime at the boner medication factories to be sure Joe Biden can keep his constant stiffy intact.

Big goings on in the NFL so far this season and I don't want to bore anyone with analysis of something so awful, but I feel like I should comment on the state of everyone's favorite team, the New England Patriots. It seems like lots of criticism has been leveled at Belichick and his decision to go for it on 4th down and 2 from his own 28 with just over 2 minutes left against the Colts. I wasn't too surprised by the decision. Too many coaches are scared of doing something bold and looking bad in the media. Belichick absolutely made the right decision to go for it there. My issue was with the play call, not the decision itself. I would have run a draw myself, but anyone who ever watches football with me knows my fondness for the draw in those type of situations. It's funny because ESPN showed a flashback of when Barry Switzer made a similar decision on 4th and 1 at the 29 against the Eagles in 1995 (if memory serves, it was the 2nd Sunday in December) at the Vet. That was also the right decision, and even the right play, as the Cowboys ran Emmitt behind 3 Pro Bowlers. They just didn't pick it up. What no one ever mentions about that whole scenario with Switzer going for it is that the Cowboys didn't lose a game the rest of the season (and crushed the Eagles 30-11 in the playoffs) and finished up Super Bowl champs against Neil O'Donnell and Bill Cowher's pedophile mustache. I'm not saying the same thing will happen for the Patsies this year, but I think it gives Brady and the offense a lot of confidence moving forward that Belichick has that much faith in them. You can hate Belichick all you want, but he's got the rings. Not much to argue with there.

I finally saw the Gran Torino the other night. It was pretty damn good. Eastwood is spot on. If you've ever met guys who are about 75 -90 and fought over in Asia during WWII or the Korean War, many of them are a lot like Eastwood's character in the movie. They've got a long memory of terrible times. And you can't blame them for that. You really can't.

I'm sitting in this Generic Bread joint at the moment and Duke fans are next to me. And they are nauseating as always, talking about Gene Banks or something. I mumbled in there direction something about Elizabeth Banks at one point a few minutes ago. They didn't laugh. That's the problem with almost all Duke fans - they have zero sense of humor. Zero.

Elvis was a hero to most

But he never meant shit to me

I'm out---

A Man Named Rachel

I haven't had too much of an opportunity to surf the old TV for the ridiculous cable news shows lately, but last night there was no football and I did stumble onto 2 folks on the MSNBC that I hadn't had the fortune to be entertained by before. The first guy comes on right after the guy who screams nonsense at 5 o'clock, I believe he calls himself The Ed Show. He's pretty unwatchable. And very angry. The Ed Show was worked up about some chick from Alaska and this socialized health care deal. The thing about his stance on the socialized health care deal is that he's pissed it's not more socialized for some reason. The Ed Show was talking to a flaky liberal named Tom Harkin and giving Harkin the business over this health care catastrophe not being more of a catastrophe. It was mildly amusing. The Ed Show also seemed to have genuine hatred for this chick from Alaska. It made no sense to me. As far as I can tell, this girl doesn't hold any office whatsoever and wrote a silly book. What's her great offense? Why the irrational hatred from The Ed Show? Baffling. Also, I will say that this The Ed Show fellow looks like he spends lots of time in the old buffet line restaurants. He's a big boy. I wonder how he'll like being told no more buffet line food under the health care mandates that will outlaw or at the very least tax fatty foods from fatties. I don't think he's gonna be too down with it. The other guy I noticed last night came on after the guy who used to work with the guy who said En Fuego, has been fired countless times, and steals from Edward R Murrow (he's still angry for some reason, angry at everyone). Anyway this guy comes on at 9. It's a weird show. The first thing that freaked me out is that this guy goes by a traditionally female name. I mean, I realize names like Dana, Shannon, Lee, etc. have been used for both genders for a long while, but I never heard of a dude named Rachel before. But whatever, that's cool. You can't blame the guy for his folks naming him Rachel. That's on them. What really struck me about this Rachel guy was his super intense hatred for the Alaskan chick who wrote this book. His anger for the Alaskan chick made The Ed Show's anger look like almost nothing by comparison. Maybe this Rachel guy has a secret crush on the Alaskan chick? Maybe the Alaskan chick won't give this Rachel guy the time of day? Rachel did mention that he'd begged the Alaskan chick to do an interview and been shot down by her. So maybe this Rachel guy is feeling like a spurned lover or something. I have no idea. The other thing about the MSNBC, at least from last night's silly shows is this - you'd have no idea that old Barry was even our leader. They hardly talked about him at all. The awesome show hosts, all 4 of them I saw, were fixated on the Alaskan chick and bashing people I've barely heard of before. It was pretty amusing because it seems to me that by talking about the Alaskan chick every hour, they were giving her lots of free publicity for this memoir she's written. I bet it will sell pretty well. I won't read it of course. But lots of other folks will. I'm pretty sure she'll make a killing off it.

I saw where Barack Hussein Obama was over in Asia recently and was back at it bowing to fake leaders. I chastised old Barry for this back in the spring and apparently no one bothered to tell him that it makes him look like a weak, cowardly loser, and by extension makes all Americans look like losers. Thanks Barry! It makes me wonder who is advising Barry. Maybe Jimmy Carter? Jimmy The Greek? Jimmy Kimmel? Jiminy Cricket? Buddy Holly and the Crickets? Holly Golightly? Holly Hunter? Holly from that stupid Hugh Hefner show? Hugh Hefner himself? Hugh Grant? Hugh Rodham? Dennis Rodman? I could go on and on...

Very cool story out of the great state of Tennessee recently. Several Vol football players robbed a guy in a gas station parking lot using some type of gun. Anyway, that's not surprising in the least. Vol football players have been getting in trouble with the law forever. What was awesome about the story is that the guy who was robbed and most likely scared shitless by the experience didn't want the players disciplined by Lane Kiffin. He's a Vols fan and the Vols fans are so delusional that even if some of the players threaten your life, rape you girlfriend, or choke as QB of the Washington Redskins (that's you Heath Shuler), it doesn't matter. Let them play! Damn right! Tennessee is my kind of place. And remember this about Tennessee - when Rae Carruth was on the run after having his baby's mama shot, he went to hide in Tennessee. And who can blame him? If he'd been playing for the Vols instead of the Carolina Panthers at the time, the Vol fans would have let him off with community service (probably community service at a strip joint too).

Wild news out of the pitiful world of fantasy football. As all you readers recall, I drafted a terrible fantasy team this season (made up almost exclusively of players who've been arrested) to make a political statement about how ludicrous the whole the thing is. Well, after 10 games, I've won 4 of them!!! Unbelievable. I beat a kid this past weekend who should have torched me by about 50 points. But my team of thugs stepped up. Thanks especially to Ray Lewis and the rest of the Ravens D. They were menacing.

The Panther fans were getting pretty rowdy at Playas last Sunday. I don't really blame them too much. The Panthers had to have that game and they got it. But at several points during the contest, 2 or 3 Panther fans shouted "Slap that cock!" for some reason. Brandon, Ben, and I kind of looked at each other like "What the hell?" Also, although it wasn't needed, more evidence was produced that Cowboy fans are terribly clueless about the actual game of football. On just about every play of the Dallas/Green Bay game there were 3 Cowboy fans screaming for a penalty to be called on the Pack. It was nauseating. Especially for Brandon, he had dough on Dallas and they utterly debacled themselves (as Emmitt Smith would say). Between listening to the Cowboy idiots, the "Slap that cock!" Panther fans, and the horrible play calling inside the 10 by Andy Reid (the Eagles killed me Sunday), it wasn't the best day in the world to hang at Playas. Then again, when is? That place is awful.

Geilfuss and I are still alive in the big Survivor League. Although it's not so impressive when you consider that after 10 weeks 51 others are as well. We might have to roll with Dallas this week. We'll see.

Also, anyone who read the last post from last Thursday, I hope you heeded my advice and bet on the boys from Piscataway. They crushed USF 31-0 as a 1 point dog.

Let me up, I've had enough.