I got off an airplane Sunday afternoon and found myself smack in the heart of The Land Of Lincoln. The whole area appeared to be random buildings in the middle of a cornfield. And after spending 5 days here I can report that the area is random buildings in the middle of a cornfield. I am typing this from the 28th floor of the Springfield Hilton. And yes, the Hilton is by far the tallest building in this town. I can look out the window of my hotel room and everything is dwarf-like, even the state capital dome type thing. I asked some of the hotel staff if my main man, Barack Hussein Obama, had ever stayed at this Hilton when he was languishing as a low-level Illinois State Senator. And I got one interesting response to my queries on the subject, as one of the maintenance guys, a brother in his 50's, told me that he'd seen old Barry back in the day skulking around, chain-smoking, and looking for tail. I have no idea if this is true or not, but the brother who told me seemed to have an honest face.
Speaking of Lincoln, I asked a tourist here if she knew where I could buy some of his logs. She said, "What?...Logs?" I told her to quit being a pervert and that I wasn't looking to buy remnants of some massive 160 year old dump that Lincoln dropped out in a cornfield.
One of the statues of Lincoln near the old State House (the one from the 1800's), has a chick appearing to be giving him fellatio while 2 young boys stand around mesmerized. At least that's how it appeared to me as I approached the statue from behind. And I thought that was pretty progressive of the Prairie State, you know, telling the truth about how folks passed the time back in the day - by engaging in public displays of oral sex while giving young lads a cheap thrill. Turns out that the broad depicted in the statue in question was merely dickering with old Abe's bow tie, not pleasuring his disease riddled pole. Alas, ...
Monday night here in Springfield there was a younger brother walking around the downtown trying to unload his last gram of pot. I politely passed on the offer. But I did ask this pot dealing brother if he ever knew Barack Hussein Obama to be holding when he would visit the city. The ganja dealing brother got real quiet and then ran away mumbling something about Rahm Emanuel and being turned into a eunuch...
Lunch here at the Hilton has been a real experience to say the least this week. The staff here has been bringing out these plates with underdone meat every day. I asked a female member of the staff if she wouldn't mind taking my meat back to the kitchen and giving it a quick rise, so to speak. Well, that might have been a mistake, because 5 minutes later I found myself with a still too cool piece of prime rib, and having a pickle of a time trying to extricate myself from this banquet queen's clutches. They do grow them big here. Breeder big. Not exactly my type, obviously.
I have been flipping around the old TV here at the Hilton off and on and came across some atrocity of a film called Eagle Eye on the HBO. I couldn't follow the thing at all. The girl from Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is running around trying to blow up something and Karl Childers is chasing after her and some young actor with pitiful facial hair. Skip it. However, do not skip Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, as it is brilliant.
Sorry it's been so long between posts. I'm busy as hell these days.
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