Looking Into $57 Worth Of Food Stamps

I came across an interesting factoid the other day. I forget what I was looking at, but whatever it was mentioned that over 43 million Americans currently receive food stamps. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for folks not going hungry and all. But I was struck by that number. That's just less than 1 in 6 folks in this country. Let that sink in for a moment. Now, I've never to my knowledge witnessed anyone using food stamps at the Food Slug near my "home." Or anywhere else for that matter. But I think maybe I have and didn't even realize it. What I did to find this out was a little web surfing. I googled food stamps and what came up was some some startling information. The federal government has a site where you can use some progam to figure out if you're eligible for food stamps (I'll get to that in a second). This site also notes that the food stamps aren't actually stamps at all - which is confusing and dare I say false advertising. Instead of little stamps what you get is a debit card type thing that is funded monthly through this handout program (and yes, I am using handout in a pejorative way in this case). When I saw that piece of info it dawned on me that I could have observed hundreds of folks using "food stamps" at the Food Slug over the years and just assumed they were using their bank debit card (or credit card as the case may be -although the thought of purchasing food with a credit card is really depressing...). Being as though I was on the site where the food stamp eligibility program was, I went ahead and truthfully answered the questions they ask potential recipients. Lots of stuff about income, rent cost, car value, number of kids around, utilities, etc. The whole thing took about 7 minutes to complete. I was astonished, to say the least, when this computer program, again available on a government controlled website, informed me that I was indeed eligible for $57 a month in food stamp assistance. I may go ahead and take the government up on this offer - hell $57 is a carton and 2 extra packs of smokes for one thing. And wouldn't it be ironic if Barry and his liberal friends subsidized (at least to a degree) some of the very unhealthiest behavior for one of his meanest and most sarcastic critics? I'm tempted to sign up for this food stamp program. But I don't think I will. I'm sure it involves going somewhere and speaking to a government worker for a few minutes. And having some experience in the government worker field, I'll pass. I'm sure I'd be suicidal in seconds.

Lots of labor news, not out of the NFL, but out of the state of Wisconsin. It seems like the governor there in Badgerland has had the gall to ask state unionized employees to put more of their salaries into health care costs and funding their pensions. What a concept! And these commie state union workers not only balked at being treated like all their fellow Wisconsinites who happen to work for private companies, they actually started good old fashioned rallies and sit-ins and whatever other pitiful means from the 60's they could think of to protest. I find the whole thing laughable. These unionized state workers have had it so good for so long, that they came to feel entitled to unlimited freebies at taxpayer expense. And finally, some reasonable folks are running the Cheese state. People who realized that this freebie practice can't go on any longer. What they should do, not only in Wisconsin but every other state, is start letting go all the massive amount of dead weight that occupies needless government positions (most likely the fetal...). I know very little, but I can tell you in detail about state workers. In fact I blogged about it last year in January (go back and read it). And let me just say, if the taxpayers of whatever state had 10% of a clue what really goes on in state government, they would be so pissed off that they'd start demanding massive layoffs. These state workers have had it too good for too long. They had a good run. It's over. They should get used to living like the rest of the country.

I paid no attention to the big silly Oscar deal last night. I figured they'd give all the awards to that movie about that fake, stuttering monarch - and I was right. It's a film I have less interest in seeing than Avatar - which means you'll have to kill me before propping me up in front of a screening. The reason I won't see it is that it is grossly historically false, which is okay except that the folks behind the film presented the whole thing as an uplifting bit of real history. My man Chritsopher Hitchens has eviscerated the film in Vanity Fair (go to the VF website {not the panty VF website, the magazine VF website}) and check out Hitchen's commentary on this stuttering farce; it's enlightening. As far as the nominees last night, I did notice where David O Russell was up for best director. I can't speak about The Fighter, as I haven't seen it yet. But I will say that 3 Kings is one of my favorite movies - Clooney and Spike Jonze are genius. And if you haven't seen Spanking The Monkey (Russell's 1st film), I urge you to. You won't be disappointed. And Flirting With Disaster is also really good - it features that woman who was married to that sex addict from the X-Files. And she's always worth checking out...

I was out at Sloopy Seconds again last Friday. This time I didn't last half an hour in the joint. There was a dude sitting in the corner of the bar. He was 30ish, chubby, buzz-type haircut, and sporting ill-fitting tan slacks. Not a big deal you say. These guys are a dime a dozen you say. Well, generally yes. But this particular dude started rambling on about how his wife will not pleasure him orally. I told him that bit of news may not be the best bar chatter in the world. However, he didn't care what I thought. He said at one point that he was considering going to a hooker to get his oral pleasure craving satisfied. I was trying to drink up to get the hell out of the Sloppy Seconds, but before I could get away, this chubby dude (he resembled Frank Caliendo a bit) asked me if I knew any hookers who could help him with his little problem. I said, "The only hookers I know are TJ and John Lee." Alas, the chubby, tan slack wearing guy didn't laugh...

Some of you may be expecting a breakdown of the Devils' debacle in Gobbler country Saturday night. All I'll say is I laughed and laughed...

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Tedious Drunks Try To Get A Pool Together

Big uprisings all over the Arab world have broken out here recently. I'm not following them too closely, but I wonder if any of the talking heads on the various cable "news" shows have given any credit for these events to old W. It's funny because most of the lefties, who seem to be reveling in these protests against autocratic rule (and I join them), were the ones who crucified W for his dalliance in Iraq. You could argue that the seeds of pro-democratic longings in the Middle East started with Iraq getting to hold open elections as a result of kicking Saddam Hussein out of power. No one on the left will make this connection. But I will.

The Match Play has started out in Arizona and I did get to see quite a bit of The Tiger's battle with Thomas Bjorn (as Golf Channel focused in on the match for some reason). And Bjorn wasn't especially sharp, as he made a mess of a number of holes - handing them to The Tiger. Yet, Bjorn still won. The Tiger was way off himself on most holes. He certainly did not look like the 3rd best player in the world. Maybe not even the 103rd. At this point I have no idea when The Tiger will get it back together. But he has to at some point, right??? Maybe???

Speaking of The Match Play, it's the 1st big event of the year where the top players from all over the world compete. And as much as I keep hyping Rory Mcilroy on this blog, there is an even younger European who looks like he might be better. Keep an eye out for 17 year old Matteo Manassero. What he's doing is unfathomable. Throw in my man Ishikawa and that trio could dominate for years. Of course, Kaymer might as well. He just happens to be in his mid 20's. As for who might win this week, you can't go wrong picking Paul Casey. I wait year after year for the guy to start winning big.

I got a comment recently about Anthony Randolph. The kid got traded to the T-Wolves the other day. I'm still high on him. Remember, he's not yet 22. Why Don Nelson didn't play him more in Golden State is a mystery. And he was getting very few minutes with the Knicks this season. Of course the T-Wolves stink. So no one will pay any attention to Randolph outside the Twin Cities and die hard hoops fans, not unlike myself. The problem is that Randolph technically plays the same position as Kevin Love. So I'm not sure how that might work out, at least in the short term.

I know I've gone off on this before, but it warrants mentioning once again. AMC has been running Taxi Driver and both Godfather and Godfather II here recently. And all 3 are unwatchable on AMC due to the editing out of much of the dialogue and violence. Why filmmakers, in this case Scorsese and Coppola, would allow their masterpieces to be butchered and shown in these edited forms is beyond me. And why anyone would watch the films when presented like this is also weird. Is there really a market for viewing great movies that have been heavily altered??? And if so, why??? Ion, that most shitty of all networks, has been showing Goodfellas quite a bit here lately, also in a heavily edited state. The whole thing is really distressing. And it depresses me beyond words.

I was out with Brandon last Friday at Sloppy Seconds for a few hours (and thank you Harvard for crushing Cornell). And that place is really lame. I only go in there on the occasional Friday because I find the bartender to be pleasant to look at from behind...and from the neck down for that matter. Anyway, there are these regulars who always populate Sloppy Seconds. They're nice enough folks, I guess. But tedious drunks. Tedious. Brandon and I were subjected to at least an hour of 5 or 6 of these regulars trying to figure out how to set up a NASCAR pool for the auto race in Daytona. They kept having trouble with the most simple math. One guy asked me how many laps it takes to travel 500 miles on a 2 & 1/2 mile track. Seriously. I told him it depended on the weather. Brandon laughed. No one else did. This one woman kept trying to break down how many drivers each pool participant could have if there were 6 pool people participating. I told her, "Well, that's tricky. Everyone should get exactly 7 and 1/6th drivers." She asked, "How do we each get a sixth of a driver?" I replied, "That's the tricky part." An old timer in there asked me, "Who you like in the 500?" I said, "When in doubt always take the 3 car." Again, Brandon laughed. From the old timer, silence. Then we got into a conversation with another barfly over that woman who is trying to break into NASCAR, Danica Patrick. I said, "I don't know anything about her, except that, did you realize if you take Dan Patrick and add an 'ica' to him, you've got Danica Patrick right there!!!" Alas, the guy had no clue what I was talking about. Brandon told me, "Would you please quit talking to these people? I can't take any more." And that was that for Sloppy Seconds. I've gotta be sure to stop in there for at least a beer during the March Madness, just to see how these people are handling the bracket situation. It should be hysterical.

Speaking of the bracket people, the additional 3 teams in this year's tourney is gonna play severe havoc with the proceedings. There will be 2 games on Tuesday and 2 more on Wednesday. 2 of those will be "play in" games to get to see who has to get crushed by a 1 seed later in the week. But the other 2 will be legit games. In the past I believe most pools ignored the Tuesday "play in" game and didn't count it at all in the pool scoring. I'm not sure how they can get around that this year. It means that bracket people will not have until noon on Thursday to turn in their picks. They'll have until like 7 on Tuesday night. And that will upset many bracket people. I'd hate to be running one of these pools myself. Folks are gonna be pissed if they turn in their brackets Thursday and don't get the points (potential points anyway) from the 1st 4 games. I can envision some nasty inter-office emails as a result.

It's a blue sky

Special NASCAR Preview

The big auto race on the beach in Daytona is gonna be run this afternoon. And many of you know how strongly I feel about the fierce competition that is stock car racing - I am a super huge fan. And by super huge fan I mean I have no conception of why anyone would watch 43 dudes drive around for hours making left hand turns. Having said that, I'm gonna bring all my years of not remotely observing these races into play by handicapping the field (or some of the field at any rate). As always, bet with caution - particularly in this case because I have no clue what might happen. My picks are as follows:

Clint Bowyer - 13 to 1: My favorite French driver at the moment. Bowyer has lots going for him today. One, he's in the field -which is key. Two, he knows how to steer a car to the left. And three, he's never won a race of importance. So, Bowyer is due. I'd be stunned if he doesn't take down the all important checkered flag. Stunned.

Brian Vickers - 40 to 1: I love this kid. He's a party animal. Vickers is probably well into his second bottle of booze by now (it's 10:56 at the moment). And when we can get a great price like 40 to 1 with a hard-living drunk, we gotta bet it. I'm putting 10 bucks on the kid. You absolutely have to.

Juan Pablo Montoya - 30 to 1: I love the fact that there is a drug kingpin in NASCAR now. What will be awesome is when the biopic is made of Montoya's life, Al Pacino can play the guy. I have to wonder how much blow Montoya totes around in the car with him while he's racing? I mean, I'll grant you that it's pointless to drive 500 miles with illegal drugs in your vehicle, only to end up right back where you started. There's that.

Keselowski - 33 to 1: I've already forgotten the kid's 1st name since looking up the odds 15 minutes ago, but I figure we should have a 2nd country in Europe covered after France (the French have been known to retreat from time to time). So, why not a Pole? I hope this Pole is on the pole for the race. Get it??? I kill myself. I really do. I have a feeling this Pole will be a big factor today. Watch out!!!

There you go, bet those 4 racers to win and sit back and count your dough. Maybe they'll all win. Now that would be a payday!!! There are ties in NASCAR, right? When Bowyer, Vickers, Montoya, and Keselowski pull 4-wide across the finish line, you'll be thanking me. As J would say, "It's a mortal lock."

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That Brother Gets Plagiarized (Kind Of...)

I just finished perusing the latest scorching issue of The Rhino. And as I read Scotty Roast's weekly column, it struck me that the kid is, if not exactly plagiarizing me, at least copying my blog style - pretty blatantly I might add (he even ended his recent column with music lyrics). If you're a resident of the fine Gate City, I encourage you to pick up this week's Rhino and judge for yourself. I know for a fact (don't ask how - I have my methods) that Scotty Roast has read this blog. I don't mind him copying me so much, but it would be nice if the kid at least acknowledged what he's doing. He could just say it's an homage or something approximating an homage. Whatever. God knows that I owe my writing "style" as it were, to several others - chiefly JD Salinger. I feel like with every post I do him further injustice. Anyway, if what Rhino readers want is a watered down version of this blog, then fine. At least here you get the real thing, unfiltered by any editor or sense of good taste...

Speaking of JD Salinger, I've been checking about every month or so since his death last year to see if any news has come out about new material being published. Rumors are that he left behind like a vault full of work. I can't swear to that of course. But I keep checking. So far nothing other than some letters he wrote to a pen pal in England or someplace - some guy Salinger met as a kid in Vienna or some other city where they make tiny sausages. As for me, I keep revisiting Salinger's work on a fairly regular basis. I recently reread Raise High The Roof Beam, Carpenters & Seymour An Introduction for example - for probably the 15th time in my life (still not even close to the number of times I've read Catcher - which is, embarrassingly enough, over 50; and some of you wonder why I'm crazy...). I was thinking about the Glass siblings earlier as I worked out and which one is my favorite (I'm keenly aware that this whole paragraph will be lost on many readers of this blog, the Geilfusses...). And I do have a favorite Glass sibling. Now, I like Buddy well enough, and Seymour is fascinating (I once again urge everyone to read A Perfect Day For Bananafish), and Zooey is messed up as well. But my favorite has to be Franny. If a girl like that ever actually existed, well, she'd be exhausting, yes. But I'd buy her a drink or 2, let me leave it at that.

Speaking of a drink or 2, I made my way out to Wing Joint for the 1st time this year last weekend. And it was fine, blah, blah, blah. Dave was there as usual, absent-mindedly tending the bar. Brandon was there monitoring his hoops bets. And random servers who I'd never seen before were screwing up the most routine of work tasks - everything was normal (in fact 2 of the new servers were, you guessed it, dead ringers for meth addicts). Anyway, after awhile one of the few folks I really look forward to seeing when I get the chance to, Tracy to be exact, stopped in. So I'm sitting there shooting the breeze with Tracy, Brandon, and Dave when a dead drunk brother stumbles into the bar. He sat just to the left of Brandon. And things got interesting. This drunk brother started in on being divorced and finding his new love via the Faceshit. He was repeating himself, as drunks will do, pretty terribly. I kept saying, "You just told us that." I pegged this drunk brother as a salesmen. And sure enough in due time, he revealed that he sold Fords for a living. The best part of the "conversation" as it were, was when the drunk brother inquired what I do for a "living." And I'm always very vague about that. My mother for example never had a clear picture of my line of work - she was baffled by it. Those of you in that line of work who read this blog have had the same experience, I'm sure. Anyway, this drunk brother kept telling me to be more specific about what I do. And instead I got more vague and esoteric with him. Brandon and Tracy were getting a big kick out of the whole thing. Eventually he speculated that I work with the CIA (which is ironic because Dave, who was standing nearby, swears I work for the NSA - at least when he's drunk he does...). We kind of left it at that. The other interesting that that happened is that Tracy got up and left while this drunk brother and I were still having some semblance of a conversation. And he said, "Wait, man. Where's she going?" I said "Home, I guess." The drunk replied, "I thought she was your girl." And that was not the 1st time I've had that exact experience at Wing Joint. It's at least the 3rd time that a brother has assumed that Tracy and I are together, and asked about it after she has gotten up to split. Now, I know Tracy looks in on this blog from time to time, and I'm not sure when I'll run across her again, but I know she'll be mortified by the this news. I'm not sure what gives drunk brothers the impression that she and I are together, but something does. Having read this, I wouldn't be surprised if Tracy never shows up at Wing Joint again. Because that has to be tragic news for her. She could do way way better than yours truly. I mean almost any girl with at least one leg, 3 fingers, and 6 teeth could do better than me. Alas, ...

Speaking of Dave, I have in my possession a piece of paper he gave me that contains the names of 2 movies that he recommends I watch. One is Big Bubba Hotep, although I don't think "Big" is in the actual title. And I have been meaning to see this film for a number of years. It's a black comedy about Elvis, JFK, a nursing home, and mummies. The other film is called Human Traffic - another movie I've been meaning to see for years. These 2 film choices may be the best cinematic suggestions Dave has ever given me. The whole world is flipping upside down...

The Tiger is back in the news, this time for spitting on a green in the Middle East. I just wanted to type that last sentence. You can't make stuff like this up. Not even my furtive imagination...

Oh, one last thing - I miss you too, Andy.

The Dream Team Strikes Back

I've been trolling the online poker rooms here from time to time as usual and for the 1st time I can recall there was a player on there from Uganda. Full Tilt seems to be dominated (in numbers anyway) most days by guys from Eastern Europe. Lots of Russians, Ukrainians, Belarusians, those pesky Moldovans, etc. And certainly there are many Americans there as well (even though it's technically "illegal" for US banks to let funds be deposited into the site - a farce if there ever was one). But I'd never seen an African fellow trying his luck at Full Tilt before. Once I realized that a Ugandan dude was at the table, I typed a special message into the chat bar feature (I loathe the chatting on there, lots of silly name calling in broken English...). The special message I typed into the chat bar for this Ugandan read exactly as follows: Was your grandfather played by Forest Whitaker in that movie? Alas, no one commented back. Nobody on Full Tilt ever has a clue what my chat comments are about. My guess is that my frame of reference is slightly unique compared to the average online poker jockey.

Another thing about the online poker is the screen name choices. Most of them are innocuous enough - things like Kevin1983, etc. Some guys try and be funny, and rarely succeed. Very rarely. Then there are the guys who try and intimidate through their name choice. Things like Poker Assassin or AK Killer - generally anything that sounds like a shitty rapper moniker. Then you get to those rarest of all name choices - the one in a thousand that is cool. I saw one just the other day. It was The Wilmot Proviso. I complimented the kid for his name. But he lost an all-in and got booted from the table before he could chat bar me back. Maybe I'll run into the kid again. He and I have to be the only 2 players on Full Tilt who can hold a converation on the Wilmot Proviso. That's for sure. As for my screen name, I'm not tellng here. Although a few folks who read this blog have seen me playing sitting at the bar of Get Bent Lounge in the past. Andy knows the screen name. And he has an incredible memory for names. He might be able to tell you. I used to have to steal the Wifi from the Hookah joint next store to Get Bent Lounge to play the online poker. The signal was pretty good, even through the wall and all the Hookah stuff or whatever that wafts through the air over there. I never could figure that out. It was always interesting to stand out front having a smoke at Get Bent Lounge and standing to the right were kids from the Hookah joint smoking away as well. Other than the smoking the 2 groups had nothing in common. Nothing. Hookah kids look like freaks and Get Bent Lounge regulars look like degenerates of all stripes (especially if Ross & I are standing outside talking to and mocking {mostly mocking} skanks chain smoking - that's a bevy of degenerates right there).

Speaking of Get Bent Lounge, someone left a note after the last post on this blog about the Dream Team. I have a suspicion who it was, but nonetheless...And thank you to whoever left it. Turns out the Dream Team has not vanished from the face of the earth. Not yet. They were recently spotted at Get Bent Lounge throwing themselves at young morons, begging for a free drink - same old story as ever. My question for the commenter is this - Was the redheaded Dream Teamer there? The last I heard about our dear friend Vicki was that she had been forcefully relocated to Wyoming or somewhere by her folks after her 4th failure at rehab. My guess is that the Dream Teamers mentioned in the comment were the blonde one that Geilfuss almost fucked (I can't remember the chick's name, but then I can't remember any names, can I?) and one of her proteges. But please let me know. Thanks.

Speaking of the blonde Dream Teamer & Geilfuss, he tells this story on one of his 2 defunct blogs about the night that my man Vaeth almost got into a fight with said Dream Teamer's "boyfriend" after calling her a slut one too many times. It's worth checking out the blog post. Just go to http://www.itcouldbekobebryant.blogspot.com/ and search for it. My own recollection of the night that Vaeth about started a riot in Get Bent Lounge was that I was standing next to him, egging him on - shocker! And that when Andy had to come over to broker peace between Vaeth and this fake "boyfriend," I said to him, "Not sure what the big deal is Andy, the girl is a straight out slut." Andy simply said, "You've got a point there."

Oh, I just thought of this - the other night I was having a little difficulty falling asleep and my mind drifted to the NFL. And here's what I realized - did you know that the NFC has sent 10 different teams to the Super Bowl the last 10 seasons? And if I'd have told a Cowboy, 49er, or Washington fan this before the 2001 season, how many would have thought that their team would not be among the 10? But that City of Tampa, St Louis, Seattle, Arizona for God's sake, and even the damn Carolina Panthers would. I know a number of Cowboy fans, in and out of Texas, read this blog from time to time, and would be interested to hear their thoughts on this startling, and even sobering, fact. You're right there in the same boat as Little Danny Snyder and the woeful Detroit Lions.

We're right in the throws of hoops season now and I have considered getting some picks up for the degenerates who read this blog. But I haven't had the energy. Not to worry though, the March Madness is about 4 weeks away, when the conference tourneys heat up. I'll be on it then.

I was hanging out in Durham last week at my friend Jen's house with a few work colleauges of mine from back in the day and we decided to give the old Wii bowling a try. I had played it once 3 years ago at Dan McGrain's (his parents' house anyway). But not since. Anyway, it was pretty funny. I was being so aggressive and violent with my make-believe bowling throws that Josh at one point said, "Who the hell are you angry at?" I looked at Josh and said, "I was never down with Norm Duke." And that's true. I'm not down with anything named Duke. Obviously.

Speaking of Duke and hoops gambling, I sent Brandon a note via the Faceshit the other night. It said: Take the Heels +10. He got back to me and let me know he was already on it. And the Heels did indeed cover the 10 like champions.

Speaking of Faceshit, I might drop the "h" in the made up word and start calling it Facesit instead. Face sitting is a very popular fetish amongst many fine gentlemen. How do I know this? Well, go to the porno site of your choice and type face sitting in the search bar. I'm gonna do it now...hold on a sec...WOW! What you get is a little disturbing. These women with enormous asses are straddling bald dudes' faces. I don't know why all the men are bald though. Why is that? Why do bald men like to have their faces sat upon by buxom women? I think I'd pass on the face sitting personally. It's gotta be hard to breathe for one thing. And there's always the chance that whatever buxom babe is doing the sitting didn't clean up real good after taking her last dump. Not for me...

Enough of this for today ----->

No one wants to be lonely

No one wants to sing the blues

Genital Ben Flees To The Can

Before I get to the inevitable mocking of Genital Ben and the fake Steeler fans, it is worth noting that my perfect record of Super Bowl picks on this blog is still intact. If you followed my advice in the big game preview from the other day, you went 2-0. The Over hit with little drama and the teaser on the dog and the Over also won pretty easily. That makes 5-0 on Super Bowl picks the past three years. If you can find a handicapper anywhere with that record, then God bless you. Especially someone who gives out the picks absolutely free to his readers. I hope everyone sat back and counted their winnings last night.

Now on to Genital Ben. He was terrible. Almost worse than in his 1st Super Bowl against Seattle. In that one the officials bailed out Pittsburgh. If you don't believe me, remember that last summer the referee for that game was at Seahawk training camp and apologized to the team for what went down. It's still the single worst one-sided officiating I've ever witnessed. And no, I'm not pissed because I lost money that day on Seattle (although I did, I made it up on the Under). Back to Genital Ben, on that last drive it was almost like the Steelers had never worked on the 2 minute drill the past 7 months in practice. Genital Ben kept shifting the formations around. Why, I have no idea. Maybe the kid was hammered drunk and awaiting some bathroom assault on a random skank later in the evening. I'm left to speculate. Overall, Genital Ben's accuracy was poor. Give GB credit to some degree for forcing passes to be thrown into tight intermediate windows. But Genital Ben still missed a number of open guys. As far as the Steeler O-Line, they played pretty well considering the injuries. You can't lay the defeat on them. Mendenhall just got stripped on that huge fumble. Great play by Matthews there. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that in my write-up I predicted that Rogers would be on fire in the precision passing game. And the kid was. In fact, he suffered a number of drops by Jones and Nelson that were on the money. Rogers easily could have thrown for 400 yards and another TD.

As far as the fake Steeler fans - they've been eerily silent. I checked a Faceshit "friend" of mine who is one such fan and that guy had nothing to say. That was after boasting all week about Steeler dominance and blah, blah, blah. Good riddance fake Steeler fans. At least until next time. At least next time I can rip the performance we all witnessed last night. And that's a good thing.

I'd love to comment on all the peripheral stuff surrounding the game. The only problem is that I didn't pay attention to any of it. I missed the entire pre-game. So, I didn't see Christina Aguilera skip a whole verse of the National Anthem (although I have a suspicion that this happened on Barack Hussein Obama's insistence, as he's looking for any and every way possible to move this country in new and strange directions). I didn't pay attention to one commercial. I missed Black Eyed Peas at halftime (I was outside smoking at the time). So, I got nothing on any of it. At first during commercials, I flipped over to Golf Channel to stay up to date on the Phoenix Open. Later, I flipped on 1,000 Ways To Die on Spike during breaks from the action. It is truly terrible, but better than nauseating commercials - at least in its own slightly different nauseating way...

I did catch some of the post-game on the ESPN hype-machine. And Tom Jackson, Berman, and that Mormon Steve Young were shell-shocked by what they witnessed. Listening to their analysis, it was almost like the Steelers didn't exist. Like they didn't lay an egg in the biggest game of the year. Very strange. I don't know who picked GB on the pre-game, nor do I care, but it seemed like the trio had not given serious thought to Pittsburgh losing.

Lastly, we are gonna be baragged with stories on the NFL labor situation for the foreseeable future. And I'm gonna promise right now that I will never mention any of it on this blog. It bores me to tears. If there's no football the second Sunday in September this fall, we'll all be fine. Don't sweat it. So, except for possibly mocking the NFL Entry Draft in April, there will be no pro football talk on this blog until some labor agreement is reached. One thing is for certain though, ESPN will be more unwatchable than ever. That and the losers on sports talk radio will be more insufferable than ever. That will be great. Good times are ahead...

I am out ----->

The Beer & The Cheese

The big game is coming up here tomorrow. And by big game I mean outside of western PA and the wacky state of Wisconsin, I'm not sure who could possibly give a crap about it. That is except for all the front running Steeler fans all over the world and of course folks not unlike yours truly - yes, the degenerate gamblers. Let's take a close look at who has the edge in this not very super match-up.

Wisconsin has several notable things going for it in this one. Most notably are the chunky and hairy arm-pitted communist coeds that habitate the University of Wisconsin in the People's Republic of Madison. I believe the word heifer suffices. These big, cheese eating, polish sausage sucking babes will be drinking beer tomorrow faster than Charlie Sheen will buy a suitcase full of blow for a bevy of skanky porn stars (a topic I'll return to later). These girls have guts. And by guts I don't mean bravery. I mean guts. Beer guts to be exact. And if you get freaky that way, then God bless you. I'm scared to death of big gutted beer swizzling communist coeds from Madison who prattle on about Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson, The Feminine Mystique, and Hillary Clinton. But that's just me. Wisconsin also has Chris Farley going for it. And yes, I'm quite close to living in a van down by the river. Which river remains to be seen...Orson Welles also hails from Wisconsin. And that is key to tomorrow's game. When your football team has the director of both The Magnificent Ambersons and Touch Of Evil behind it, that is huge. My man Joseph Cotten (don't even get me started on The Third Man). However, the biggest star to ever rise from the dairy farmland of Wisconsin was Liberace. It's little known, but Liberace was a huge football fan. He loved the tight end for example. Craved it actually. Liberace could tickle the ivories and perform double fellatio while getting hammered from behind by a big studly linemen type at the same time. That is talent. America's not seen talent like it since Liberace passed on to that great gay orgy in the sky. Certainly we can't discuss Wisconsin without talking cheese. I love cheese. I eat cheese. There is this kind of cheese called Swiss. It's very rare. You have to search for it. But it's worth it. It's tasty. Another type of cheese is called sharp cheddar. It's a very bright cheese. I like that too. The greatest cheese of all is something called government cheese. You've gotta have contacts high up in the Obama administration to gain access to this government cheese. Now, I don't have that access personally. But I'm working on it. I've even offered to wine and dine that nasty Janet Napolitano to get my hands on the sweet and addicting government cheese. Overall, you've gotta admit that Wisconsin has lots of positives going for it tomorrow. They really do. And remember that the Polka is the state dance of Wisconsin. I love to Polka. I love giant Polka dancing women. I'm fixated on them. They smell like Treblinka. And how can you beat that??? You simply can't.

The city of Pittsburgh offers little on the other hand. Oh sure, you've got the hideous, foul-mouthed, teeth lacking women. There's that. And the Iron City Beer. Which I believe is simply piss procured from said hideous, curse like a sailor, nasty Pittsburgh skanks. I've spent some time in the Steel City. And I think I mentioned this in my write-up on the Super Bowl 2 years ago - the roads are really impossible to follow. They have all these colored "lines" that encircle the city at various points. It's confusing as all hell. I have no idea what city planning genius came up with this system. But all you do is drive around in circles lost for hours on end as a result. Did I mention that you're lost and confused in Pittsburgh??? There's nothing there as far as I can recall. Fat people and ugly women. Or often a combination of the 2 that results in fat ugly women. I think nothing is more telling about Pittsburgh than the fact that the best, brightest, and decent looking natives all flee the city at the earliest possible moment. When opportunity beckons, these folks get the hell out of Pittsburgh. And that is to their great credit. It's not their fault they were born in a smelly, disease infested, transportationally challenging hell hole. But, I give the natives who are left behind a pass. They are skilless, inbred, crackers. They can't help not having the means to leave the city. They're stuck there. For life. That's where the football team comes in. These Pittsburghians love their Steelers. And they should. They have nothing else. The Pirates haven't won anything for 20 years. Not since Andy Van Slyke roamed center field in 3 Rivers. If the Steelers win the game tomorrow, the only folks we should all be happy for are the hundreds of thousands of Pittsburghers who for a brief few hours will be able to forget their tragically pitiful existences. There's something to be said for that.

All that leads me to once again rip the fake Steeler fans. The ones who have zero ties to western PA. When I was growing up in central Ohio, there were basically 4 teams that kids pulled for - Browns, Bengals, Steelers, and Cowboys. The Bengals and Browns made perfect sense, what with being located in Ohio and all. Those kids who shunned the state's teams and instead backed either the Steelers or Cowboys were traitors. I should know because I was one growing up. I worshipped Tom Landry. Literally. As I got older though I realized how stupid it was to support a team from like 1100 miles away. I should not have done that. Most others don't realize the errors in their ways. Grown adults still pull for the Steelers or Cowboys - same as they did going back to the mid 70's as little kids. And those folks in central Ohio who still, in their early 40's, live and die with a team from another state, when there are 2 to pick from in your own state, those folks should be mocked. I mock you. And that is why you can't support Pittsburgh in this game. It's downright un-American to pull for the Steelers tomorrow.

One last thing before I get to my actual pick for the game. There is a porn star named Diamond Foxxx (although I question if that's the skanks' birth name...) who has agreed to give free blow jobs to any Steeler fan if Pittsburgh wins. I've come across many fake Steeler fans over the years. And these dudes will undoubtedly take Ms Foxxx up on her offer. I just google imaged Ms Foxxx - and she's a hard looking woman with fake tits - shocking! Right up Steeler fan's alley. I'd put a photo of Ms Foxxx up with this post, but all the images are of her either naked or performing oral sex on random dudes who love the Steelers. Alas, ...

Now, many of you want to know who to bet on tomorrow. My philosophy in these big games is normally to take the dog and the under. But I don't like the lines for either. I hate them. I was hoping that Vegas would put out a pick 'em line. They didn't. GB is laying 3 at the moment. The total is 44 &1/2. Here's the play - tease up the dog to 9 &1/2 and the over down to 38. If you wanna straight bet, take the Over. There are playmakers all over the field on both offenses and defenses. I expect big plays. And you've gotta take the Over in this spot as a result. If we could get a defensive score or better yet 2 of them, we're golden. GB has the better team overall. The Steelers O-line is in shambles. Aaron Rodgers should be on fire with his precision passing game. I like the Cheese. But I can't put out a big bet against Genital Ben as a 3 point dog. Say what you will about the man and his rapist tendencies (allegedly...), he makes plays. It should be tight at the end.

Not sure what I'll be doing for the game. I hate going out for the Super Bowl - it's almost as bad as New Year's Eve with the amateur drunks all over the place. And I gotta be up at 6:20 Monday morning. And then drive to Durham for day 26...

Don't care if my liver is hanging by a thread

Don't care if my doctor says I ought to be dead

If my ugly big car won't climb this hill

I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill