The Beer & The Cheese

The big game is coming up here tomorrow. And by big game I mean outside of western PA and the wacky state of Wisconsin, I'm not sure who could possibly give a crap about it. That is except for all the front running Steeler fans all over the world and of course folks not unlike yours truly - yes, the degenerate gamblers. Let's take a close look at who has the edge in this not very super match-up.

Wisconsin has several notable things going for it in this one. Most notably are the chunky and hairy arm-pitted communist coeds that habitate the University of Wisconsin in the People's Republic of Madison. I believe the word heifer suffices. These big, cheese eating, polish sausage sucking babes will be drinking beer tomorrow faster than Charlie Sheen will buy a suitcase full of blow for a bevy of skanky porn stars (a topic I'll return to later). These girls have guts. And by guts I don't mean bravery. I mean guts. Beer guts to be exact. And if you get freaky that way, then God bless you. I'm scared to death of big gutted beer swizzling communist coeds from Madison who prattle on about Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson, The Feminine Mystique, and Hillary Clinton. But that's just me. Wisconsin also has Chris Farley going for it. And yes, I'm quite close to living in a van down by the river. Which river remains to be seen...Orson Welles also hails from Wisconsin. And that is key to tomorrow's game. When your football team has the director of both The Magnificent Ambersons and Touch Of Evil behind it, that is huge. My man Joseph Cotten (don't even get me started on The Third Man). However, the biggest star to ever rise from the dairy farmland of Wisconsin was Liberace. It's little known, but Liberace was a huge football fan. He loved the tight end for example. Craved it actually. Liberace could tickle the ivories and perform double fellatio while getting hammered from behind by a big studly linemen type at the same time. That is talent. America's not seen talent like it since Liberace passed on to that great gay orgy in the sky. Certainly we can't discuss Wisconsin without talking cheese. I love cheese. I eat cheese. There is this kind of cheese called Swiss. It's very rare. You have to search for it. But it's worth it. It's tasty. Another type of cheese is called sharp cheddar. It's a very bright cheese. I like that too. The greatest cheese of all is something called government cheese. You've gotta have contacts high up in the Obama administration to gain access to this government cheese. Now, I don't have that access personally. But I'm working on it. I've even offered to wine and dine that nasty Janet Napolitano to get my hands on the sweet and addicting government cheese. Overall, you've gotta admit that Wisconsin has lots of positives going for it tomorrow. They really do. And remember that the Polka is the state dance of Wisconsin. I love to Polka. I love giant Polka dancing women. I'm fixated on them. They smell like Treblinka. And how can you beat that??? You simply can't.

The city of Pittsburgh offers little on the other hand. Oh sure, you've got the hideous, foul-mouthed, teeth lacking women. There's that. And the Iron City Beer. Which I believe is simply piss procured from said hideous, curse like a sailor, nasty Pittsburgh skanks. I've spent some time in the Steel City. And I think I mentioned this in my write-up on the Super Bowl 2 years ago - the roads are really impossible to follow. They have all these colored "lines" that encircle the city at various points. It's confusing as all hell. I have no idea what city planning genius came up with this system. But all you do is drive around in circles lost for hours on end as a result. Did I mention that you're lost and confused in Pittsburgh??? There's nothing there as far as I can recall. Fat people and ugly women. Or often a combination of the 2 that results in fat ugly women. I think nothing is more telling about Pittsburgh than the fact that the best, brightest, and decent looking natives all flee the city at the earliest possible moment. When opportunity beckons, these folks get the hell out of Pittsburgh. And that is to their great credit. It's not their fault they were born in a smelly, disease infested, transportationally challenging hell hole. But, I give the natives who are left behind a pass. They are skilless, inbred, crackers. They can't help not having the means to leave the city. They're stuck there. For life. That's where the football team comes in. These Pittsburghians love their Steelers. And they should. They have nothing else. The Pirates haven't won anything for 20 years. Not since Andy Van Slyke roamed center field in 3 Rivers. If the Steelers win the game tomorrow, the only folks we should all be happy for are the hundreds of thousands of Pittsburghers who for a brief few hours will be able to forget their tragically pitiful existences. There's something to be said for that.

All that leads me to once again rip the fake Steeler fans. The ones who have zero ties to western PA. When I was growing up in central Ohio, there were basically 4 teams that kids pulled for - Browns, Bengals, Steelers, and Cowboys. The Bengals and Browns made perfect sense, what with being located in Ohio and all. Those kids who shunned the state's teams and instead backed either the Steelers or Cowboys were traitors. I should know because I was one growing up. I worshipped Tom Landry. Literally. As I got older though I realized how stupid it was to support a team from like 1100 miles away. I should not have done that. Most others don't realize the errors in their ways. Grown adults still pull for the Steelers or Cowboys - same as they did going back to the mid 70's as little kids. And those folks in central Ohio who still, in their early 40's, live and die with a team from another state, when there are 2 to pick from in your own state, those folks should be mocked. I mock you. And that is why you can't support Pittsburgh in this game. It's downright un-American to pull for the Steelers tomorrow.

One last thing before I get to my actual pick for the game. There is a porn star named Diamond Foxxx (although I question if that's the skanks' birth name...) who has agreed to give free blow jobs to any Steeler fan if Pittsburgh wins. I've come across many fake Steeler fans over the years. And these dudes will undoubtedly take Ms Foxxx up on her offer. I just google imaged Ms Foxxx - and she's a hard looking woman with fake tits - shocking! Right up Steeler fan's alley. I'd put a photo of Ms Foxxx up with this post, but all the images are of her either naked or performing oral sex on random dudes who love the Steelers. Alas, ...

Now, many of you want to know who to bet on tomorrow. My philosophy in these big games is normally to take the dog and the under. But I don't like the lines for either. I hate them. I was hoping that Vegas would put out a pick 'em line. They didn't. GB is laying 3 at the moment. The total is 44 &1/2. Here's the play - tease up the dog to 9 &1/2 and the over down to 38. If you wanna straight bet, take the Over. There are playmakers all over the field on both offenses and defenses. I expect big plays. And you've gotta take the Over in this spot as a result. If we could get a defensive score or better yet 2 of them, we're golden. GB has the better team overall. The Steelers O-line is in shambles. Aaron Rodgers should be on fire with his precision passing game. I like the Cheese. But I can't put out a big bet against Genital Ben as a 3 point dog. Say what you will about the man and his rapist tendencies (allegedly...), he makes plays. It should be tight at the end.

Not sure what I'll be doing for the game. I hate going out for the Super Bowl - it's almost as bad as New Year's Eve with the amateur drunks all over the place. And I gotta be up at 6:20 Monday morning. And then drive to Durham for day 26...

Don't care if my liver is hanging by a thread

Don't care if my doctor says I ought to be dead

If my ugly big car won't climb this hill

I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill