Teaching The Tampon Technique

I'm feeling pretty much shitty today (flu-like crap), but after being in bed for more or less 14 hours, I decided to get off my ass and head to the good old Generic Bread and order some crummy coffee. I brought my laptop along and what the hell, I might as well pass some time blogging. (By the way, I'm feeling so shitty that my typing prowess is worse than normal. Way worse, and normal is terrible. I've been backtracking on just about every word so far...)

I'm not sure how many folks paid any attention last year to that whole story about Arnold Schwarzenegger and that hideous maid he ran around with for years on end. She even had Arnold's love child if I remember correctly. This is apropos of nothing exactly, but with that in mind I was flipping around the old TV last night in my semi-catatonic state and saw that Commando was on the AMC. It's a terrible movie and the violence is silly. Blah, blah, blah. But I noticed that my girl Alyssa Milano was in the movie as well. And that got me to wondering why the hell Arnold didn't look up old Sam from Who's The Boss? when he was looking into cheating on that skeletal looking Kennedy he was mixed up with. I mean, maybe the girl would have shot him down. I have no idea. But to stoop to that little troll maid Arnold was nailing in various pantries on his various estates is flabbergasting. Or Arnold is a straight up pervert. Or both...

Not speaking of Tim Tebow, I got a note on this blog some time back that I should lay off the kid. This was back when Tebow was on his win streak against bad teams. And the truth is that I was actually rooting for the kid all the way up to the Buffalo game. I was betting Denver almost every week there for awhile. And winning. But putting that aside, Tebow still sucks. He can't make NFL throws - at all. I'm gonna roll with Tebow one more time though this Sunday against Pittsburgh. Denver is getting 9 at home and even if Tim Couch, Tim Curry, or Tim Richmond's corpse was QBing for the Broncos I'd bet on them in that situation. Go Tebow!!! As for the other Wild Card games, tease Cincinnati to +9&1/2 and the Under to 45 against Houston, take Under 48 in Atlanta/NYG, and roll with the Lions +10 &1/2 in the dome Saturday night.

You may recall that in a post I put up back like 6 weeks ago, I mentioned getting tossed out of Short Porn Steakhouse on Battleground with Goosie one Friday back in November. And it just so happens that Geilfuss works at a Short Porn Steakhouse up in the Charm City. After reading that post, Geilfuss informed me that he got some Mexican dishwasher in the joint, who speaks very broken English, to start saying Short Porn Steakhouse to all his fellow employees one night. That amused Geilfuss greatly. I smiled myself when the image of some short chubby Mexican dishwasher running around grinning saying "Short Porn, Short Porn, Short Porn" came into my mind. I'm sure the Mexican was deported as a result. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, as that's one less Obama voter to worry about this fall...

My man and Greensboro's favorite bald-headed bartender, Dave, has been back in town for about a month from some foreign war across some body of water. We've hung out a few times. Anyway, we were sitting up at Wing Joint one night and started discussing the ticket of one of the servers in the joint. It was interesting to say the least. We kept speculating if her ticket was shiny, torn, bloody, etc. When the bloody part was brought up, by me if anyone couldn't figure it out, Dave decided to drop this nugget of info on me : "I don't mind dealing with a bloody ticket at all. I just put a towel down under her ass." I asked, "Do you use a shamwow?" Dave laughed...

Speaking of Wing Joint, I was in there one Friday a few weeks before the old Christmas, and somehow the topic of tampons came up (I believe it was me who brought it up - stunning). Anyway, some chick who Brandon hangs out with from time to time was in there and I inquired if she had a tampon in her purse. Lucky for me she did. So I had her hand it to me. I then proceeded to demonstrate how to properly use one to the barflies gathered around. The picture at the top of this post is proof that my demonstration was very much appreciated. If there's one mechanism I know hot to manipulate it's a damn tampon. Dave would be proud. Obviously...

I stopped in a bar in Durham last week for some of the late afternoon bowl action. It was some dump called Devine's (I couldn't think of a fake name for the place - chalk it up to my illness). Anyway, the regulars in the place were doing a damn fantasy football draft. Yes, a fantasy football draft with one week left in the regular season. It went on for more than an hour. I half felt like stumbling over to them and asking what the hell they were doing. But then I remembered I was in Durham. And in Durham you just don't ask those kinds of questions. You just sit there and hope like hell no one speaks to you. Of course, as all of you know, I never get that lucky. A hard-looking middle-aged woman came up to me and asked if I was a professor at Duke. I quickly replied, "Yep. I teach tampon insertion to the Asian coeds." Alas, this woman didn't laugh. Not only that, but she seemed interested in auditing the class for Spring Semester...

Naive Melody