If The Mayans Are Right, Run Up A Huge Bar Tab Tonight

Wouldn't it be tough to land down a chimney in those shoes?

The yuletide season is getting closer and closer. Maybe. Today, as many news outlets have been reporting for months on end, is, according to Mayan lore, the end of the world. I'm not sure what time it's all gonna come to an end today. But I sincerely hope I have a large tab open at some awful dive bar at the time. Although to be honest, I rarely have a large tab open anywhere. And tonight I'm stopping in 2 more places for 2 more Christmas parties. That means people will be handing me shots like there really is no tomorrow. More than likely, I won't have to pay for any of them. I rarely do. My tab is generally like $8-$12 no matter what. I guess it's the one perk to so many barflies finding me entertaining. I have no idea.

Speaking of Mayan lore, I don't think many folks really know that much about the Mayan civilization. I count myself among them. All I know is that if you go to Guatemala you can see Mayan ruins. I'm never going to Guatemala. So, I'm never going to see the ruins. I also know that those pesky Spanish conquistadors tried to colonize Mayan territory. Other than those 2 facts, I've got nothing for you, as Jeff Probst would say on that CBS show where that tax cheat ran around naked back in 2000 while Kelly Wiglesworth looked on in horror. The Mayans are getting lots of attention today. But I suspect if the world doesn't end sometime today, they'll be ridiculed and forgotten. As if they were ever remembered by most folks anyway. It's all pretty silly.

Also, Mark Titus made an excellent point in his weekly college hoop column on ESPN's generally horrible website. If the world does end today, the Duke Blue Devils will be the #1 team in the country. That fact almost makes me wish the world will end within the next 12 hours. If there's one source of evil that can only be stopped by the end of the world, it's gotta be Coach K.

Speaking of Duke, a few years ago, right on this very blog, I touted Mason Plumlee as a potentially exceptional player. And I'll be damned, but I was right again. The uneducated and stupid typical Duke fans have long expressed disdain for Plumlee and his perceived underachievement during his career in Durham. Now? He's probably the 2nd best big man in college hoops behind my man Doug McDermott at Creighton. That kid is lights out from 3.

I know I promised more college bowl write-ups. So, I'm gonna follow through on that right now. I'm 2&1 so far. Those damn Aztecs were horrible in the 4th quarter last night, as they went strip 6, fumble, pick 6, and pick on 4 straight offensive possessions after leading 6-3 with 12:45 left. Alas, they lost by 17...

Beef O'Brady's Bowl - Ball St (+7) vs UCF - St Petersburg, FL 7:30 tonight. I've been rolling with the boys from Muncie for over 2 months now. They've been on fire. They run the football efficiently and have a decent QB who uses play action quite well. I can't see why UCF would be all that excited to play in this game. Plus, who is Beef O'Brady? He sounds like a pervert pushing hamburger patties on young boys. I'm taking the points with the Cardinals.

New Orleans Bowl - ECU (+5) vs Louisiana Lafayette - New Orleans, LA Noon Saturday. I love the Pirates chances at an outright win. They haven't won a bowl game yet under my man Ruffin McNeill, but this should be their time. The Ragin Cajuns are not 5 points better than the Pirates. I guess the point spread is so off due to LA Lafayette playing in their home state. But I don't expect a home field advantage of any significance. ECU ended the season playing really well on offense the past 6 or 7 games. This is my top pick for the weekend's bowl action.

Maaco Las Vegas Bowl - Washington vs Boise (-5) - Las Vegas, NV 3:30 Saturday. Boise's defense was about as tough as usual this year. On offense, remember they had to replace a 4 year starter at QB (Kellen Moore) and a kid who has gained over 1,000 yards as a rookie for the City of Tampa (The Muscle Hamster himself, Doug Martin). The new QB, one Joe Southwick, has played well recently. One big edge for Boise in this one is that Huskies QB Keith Price has been running for his life behind a terrible offensive line. I expect more of that. Did you see the Huskies implode against Washington State in their last game (up 27-10 late in the 3rd)? That was largely due to Price getting battered by a weak Cougar defense. Imagine what the Broncos should be able to accomplish. The other big edge is coaching. Boise has one of the 5 best in college football. Washington has a  position coach who used to play QB at BYU...

Hawaii Bowl - SMU vs Fresno St (-12) - Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, 8 Monday. Take the Bulldogs. SMU snuck into a bowl after upsetting Tulsa somehow. On paper, the Mustangs are outmatched all over the field. Unless Fresno plays flat for over half the game, they should win comfortably. This is always one of my favorite bowls, because really, what the hell else is there to do on Christmas Eve?

I was gonna write about the almost epically bad football I witnessed last Sunday during the entire day of Sunday Ticket. Did you catch the Chiefs/Raiders game??? Wow! But I gotta run.

And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, Man I shouldn't have hit the pipe so hard...

I was sitting at the old Wing Joint on Battleground Sunday evening watching the Niners/Patsies game, when about 6 minutes into the 1st quarter, NBC cut away from the game and aired a speech by our freshly reelected leader, Barack Hussein Obama. I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but I had no idea why Barry was making a prime time speech. Luckily for me, Goose was sitting to my left and explained that there was some kind of school shooting that had happened Friday morning in Connecticut and that Barry was probably talking about it. I did wonder how almost 60 hours had passed from when this school shooting occurred until I heard about it (I chalk it up to 2 Christmas parties, college bowl games, college hoops, and Sunday Ticket holding my attention). Anyway, the sound coming from the TV's behind the bar at Wing Joint weren't turned up very loud. So, I was having trouble hearing what Barry was saying about this school shooting. It doesn't really matter what he said, I realize that. Barry, it turns out, does not have the messiah-like power to undo the killing of school kids. But I was a little taken aback when hearing this news, nonetheless. I decided to look into this school shooting and after doing so the last couple days, I've come away with the same thoughts as after every one of these shootings since Eric Harris & Dylan Klebold went on their spree back on Hitler's 110th birthday in 1999. The liberals immediately call for the banning of guns and the right wingers wring their hands about God being taken out of public schools. Blah, blah, blah.

I don't want a gun. I've never had any desire to touch a gun in my life. I've had a gun pointed at my head before though (alas, more than once...). While I have no interest in delving into the specifics of those events, I will say this - it's not such a great feeling when someone is pointing a gun at your head. I wouldn't suggest getting yourself into that situation if you can avoid it. So, I'm no gun nut. And if you really think that banning guns is the right reaction to this shooting, or any of the dozens of other shootings over the years, I can sympathize with the thought. There's a big problem with this idea though. The problem is that there are around 300 million guns floating around the United States. Those guns are private property. The question that all the gun banners have to figure out is this - how would you suggest the federal government go about getting rid of 300 million pieces of private property? That's where things get a little problematic, don't they? The articles you read about banning guns tend to not mention the messy process that would inevitably ensue if all guns were indeed banned by the federal government. Can you picture federal agents going door to door across the country, tearing up every nook of every home, in an attempt to find all 300 million guns? It's an idea reminiscent of Stalinist Russia - and that's not good. Our current leader, Barack Hussein Obama, famously mentioned back in 2008 that many Americans were clinging to guns and religion as crutches in their pitiful lives. He may be right. I have no idea. But if it's true that many tens of millions of Americans are clinging to their guns, don't you think those folks might put up some kind of fight when the federal government swings by the house to seize their private property?

After reading a little about the particular shooter in this particular school shooting, one Adam Lanza, the first thing that struck me was how he looked strikingly similar to the aforementioned Eric Harris. As far as the rest of his story, some of it is predictable - painfully shy, loved violent video games, didn't seem to have many friends, etc. But one part of this story as opposed to the other school shooters is different. Adam Lanza was the son of a millionaire executive who lived in an extremely affluent part of the country. A part of the country where elite liberals flourish. The media will no doubt paint this kid's mom to be a nut over the coming days and weeks. They'll have to blame her for this kid's actions. Because the folks who hang out in the swanky areas of the country like Newtown, CT won't be able to fathom that their picture perfect progressive community might have in any way helped shape whom young Mr Lanza became. When school shootings happen in Blacksburg, VA or Kentucky or Colorado, eastern elitists can pass it off with a dismissiveness similar to the comment Barry made about the losers in the rest of America who cling to their guns. We're all rubes and whatnot in many of these folks' eyes. But this time it's happened right in one of their own strongholds. They can't just shrug it off by saying, "You know those barbarians in _____? What can you do about them?" That line of thought doesn't wash in this case, unless you paint this kid's mother as a wacko way out of the norm for the cozy confines of suburban Connecticut. And that's what will happen.

A few years ago, when that Uncle Fester looking kid broke bad out in Arizona and tried to kill Gabrielle Giffords and did kill a number of bystanders at a local political rally, many folks suggested that more needs to  be done for the mentally disturbed in our society. I mentioned at the time, that while a nice thought (somewhat like this gun banning idea), it's very problematic when you try and put it in practice. Was Adam Lanza deranged? It's very likely, yes. But what should be done with young folks who some view as mentally ill? Should the government take them somewhere so there's no chance they'll hurt anyone? Should the government do this even if said person has no arrest record and been no threat to anyone in their life? Again this whole idea smacks of stuff that was done in Stalinist Russia or Orwellian novels. It's a very slippery slope.

As far as the 20 little kids who were killed by Mr Lanza, I was reminded again of one of the many reasons I have never had any interest in being a parent. Within seconds of hearing the news that your 5 or 6 year old had been murdered, there would be absolutely no reason to go on in life. None that I can think of.

I'll get back to the normal silliness next time.

Those Baffling Christmas Lyrics

Fully Prepared For Frightful Weather

I was sauntering through a local store recently and that pesky Christmas music was playing on the audio system in the place. One of the lyrics to one of these tunes really struck me hard. It went something like this, "The weather outside is frightful..." At the time it was about 70 degrees in the Gate City. In other words, the weather was anything but frightful. Who comes up with this garbage??? The lyric should have gone, "The weather outside in unseasonably warm..." The problem with that is that it's pretty difficult to rhyme anything with warm. Maybe it could have gone, "The weather outside is unseasonably warm, but in Greensboro that's sometimes the norm." I can't come up with anything better than that. Maybe, "The weather outside is unseasonably warm, but it's still chilly in the coed dorm." I'm guessing the writer of this Holiday classic found it easier to rhyme using the word "frightful" as opposed to "warm." I have no idea. But these Christmas music writers sure do seem to take the easy way out when it comes choosing words to rhyme with. That same song went on to say, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow." Now that's just pure insanity. I'm not claiming that I have the god-like power to stop snow. Or make it snow. Or whatever. But for someone to go ahead and give in and just say, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" is deranged. People here in Greensboro are notoriously shitty drivers in bad weather (and generally shitty drivers in perfect conditions as well...) and for someone to hope it snows and snows and snows is really sick. What you're basically saying at that point is that you wish for massive vehicular tragedy - not exactly in tune with the supposed theme of Christmas. You know, all that peace on earth and good will toward man silliness. These damn Christmas songs.

I checked on the old Faceshit here recently and saw some pictures of Geilfuss wearing a bow tie and black tuxedo vest. It took me a minute to figure out the context of what I was seeing. At first, I thought Geilfuss had maybe dressed up like a penguin for some kind of gag party. And then I saw a few more photos of the affair where Geilfuss was so nattily attired. And everything became clear to me. Geilfuss was at a wedding. To be more precise, Geilfuss was at his own wedding. That's right. Geilfuss got hitched!!! You may be wondering who the lucky person was that Geilfuss gave his hand in wedded bliss to. And while I can't be exactly sure, I think Geilfuss married Tyson. Tys was similarly adorned with tuxedo vest and bow tie. So, I put one and one together. I'm not stupid. I hope the two of them have many wonderful hours of happiness before this sham marriage inevitably ends in a drunken fistfight. It should be noted that Andy was in a few of the Faceshit photos at this Geilfuss/Tys wedding deal. And being the good sport that he is, Andy probably agreed to be best man for both Geilfuss and Tys. Andy's that nice a guy. He probably fumbled a bit trying to remember whose ring was in which pocket of his pants. But that's understandable. God knows I've never been asked to be anyone's best man. Hell, I've never been asked to be in a wedding, period. Come to think of it, I haven't been invited to a wedding in 20 years (that would be a disaster waiting to happen, obviously). Anyway, getting back to Andy being best man for both Geilfuss and Tyson at their recent nuptials, I know he did his best. He was probably a bit misty eyed watching two of his lifelong friends finally tie the old knot. I know I got a little choked up when I figured out what was going on in those Faceshit pictures. So, congrats to Geilfuss and Tys. As I said, it won't last long. And the cops will be called nightly for domestic disturbances. But at least the two of them had the courage to take the plunge and give marriage a whirl. Something I can never fathom trying. Bravo!

Speaking of the old Faceshit, I've purged my number of "friends" on the damn site down to 20 (by the way, if anyone is reading this who I've purged from  my "friend" list, don't take it personally, as I'm just an anti-social recluse by nature). Anyway, my buddy Jay is still on my "friends" list and he posted something that caught my eye recently. I should preface this by noting that Jay, while a super nice guy, is an in the bed with Barry socialist. Which is fine, to each his own. Blah, blah, blah...The reason this particular post caught my eye is because it mentioned how unfair it is to ask teachers that make $50,000 a year to take a 20% pay cut while at the same time not forcing millionaires to pay 3% more in federal income tax. As far as at what percentage millionaires should be taxed, reasonable people can disagree on that. If you've read this blog over the past 4 years, you know I think everyone should pay the same federal income tax rate - from millionaire hedge fund managers all the way down to kids who run the fry machine at the corner Burger King. But that's beside the point in relation to this Faceshit post about the unfairness in asking teachers who make $50,000 a year to take a 20% pay cut. I've had the great pleasure to get to know and work with hundreds of teachers over the past 15 years. Teachers in many different states and in many different areas of teaching. Now, I realize that teacher pay varies wildly depending on a given teacher's experience level, school district, etc. But what I can promise you with great certainty, based on thousands of hours working with and around teachers, is that they are not underpaid. In fact, I'd argue a vast majority of them are way overpaid. Way overpaid. If cities, school districts, counties, states, or whoever want to save the taxpayers some dough under these times of tight budgets, I think an across the board 20% pay cut for teachers is a nice place to start. It won't happen though. When I first saw Jay's Faceshit post about this whole teacher pay/millionaire deal, I got a little excited for a fleeting moment hoping that teacher pay really would be cut by 20%. Then I remembered the outrage that would ensue. Then the inevitable demonstrations in cities across the country. And the teacher strikes. When I remembered all that, I giggled. There's no way in hell teachers will have to take a 20% pay cut across the country. That's laughable. But it is a nice pit of propaganda from Jay and his buddies on the left in their never-ending attack against successful folks. I'll give them that.

College football bowl season is upon us once again, one of my favorite times of year. I can't promise to get previews of all 35 games up (not at the rate I've been posting this year - dreadful, I know). But I'll do my best. Here are previews for the 1st two unwatchable games. And by unwatchable, I mean only a few thousand fans of each school will care. Oh, and the degenerate gamblers. Every degenerate gambler in the known world will be watching very closely.

New Mexico Bowl - Saturday at 1 pm, Nevada vs Arizona (-9) total 75 &1/2. As many of you know, I'm a longtime fan of  Chris Ault and the real Wolf Pack from Reno. But their defense is terrible this year. They can't stop the run to save their lives, ranking over 100th in the FBS. Rich Rodriguez has the weapons to exploit Nevada. If the Wildcats come to play with any kind of edge at all, they should put up 40+ points. Nevada can run the football out of the pistol. They should keep things interesting. Expect plenty of points, depending on the weather (it's supposed to snow tomorrow, and be around 40 at kickoff Saturday). I'm not wagering too much at all on this contest.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl - Saturday at 4:30 pm, Toledo vs Utah St (-10&1/2) total 58. This huge game, honoring french fries and hash browns, will be played on the Smurf Turf in Boise. The one thing I know is that the Aggies can play defense, as they give up only 14 points a game. The Rockets? Not so much. I hate laying double digits in bowl games however. The weather will be about what you'd expect, around 40 degrees. But there's no snow in the forecast. I'm looking at the under here pretty hard. Even if there are some big plays, I don't see 8 touchdowns and a field goal being scored. Plus, Utah St should grind the clock on the ground, limiting possessions.

More games begin next Thursday night in San Diego. I'm sure I'll get a post up by then. But I'll tell all of you now, I like the hometown Aztecs over the Mormons in that one.

Silver Balls, Silver Balls

Christmas Music At A Redneck Bar

Big news this week from the world of sports, as Sports Illustrated named LeBron James its Sportsman of the Year. When I first heard the news, I wondered how SI could give this award to a player from a team that had just lost to the Washington Wizards. But then I realized the award is for the yearlong greatness James displayed. That yearlong greatness continued last night as the Heat got crushed at home to the NY Knicks, by the way. But I digress. James is in some fine company by winning this SI award. A few notable past winners include Pete Rose (tax cheat, terrible gambler, and banned for life from baseball), Joe Paterno (facilitated the raping of children by a buddy of his for decades, oh wait, it was all horseplay...), Tiger Woods (a relentless liar and pursuer of Ambien fueled sex romps with every skank imaginable while married to Jesper Parnevik's nanny), Mark McGwire (cheater, liar, and very poor public speaker to boot), Sammy Sosa (see McGwire, Mark), and Lance Armstrong (who not only carried out one of the biggest frauds ever perpetrated on the American public, but also left his wife for Cheryl Crow after she'd stood by him through his battle with testicular cancer - what a swell guy). Mr James is not yet in the company of these various horrible people, and may never be. Let's hope not anyway. After all, it was James who said, just days after screwing over the city of Cleveland on national television in a sham of a one hour special on ESPN, that the Heat would win "not one, not two, not three, not four, not five not six, not seven" NBA Titles. By my math he's got a ways to go on delivering that promise to the various Cubans and Jews in South Florida. Good luck, Mr James. Of some note is that at the ceremony Sports Illustrated held in New York the other night, standing right next to James, side by side, thick as thieves, was Coach K. I guess Mike Brown, Paul Silas, and Erik Spoelstra, men who coached James in the NBA, weren't good enough to stand next to James as he basked in this extremely awesome honor bestowed by a dying magazine. Coach K did win the same award last year from SI (although he had to share the honor with some demented old lady who coaches girls hoops). So maybe he was there to pass the torch to the newest Sportsman of the Year. I have no idea. What they should have done is invited Sammy Sosa's bleached skin, Peter Edward Rose's tax returns, Lance Armstrong's cancerous testicles, and Joe Paterno's rotting corpse to pose next to James. Now that's a photo I'd enjoy. I'd use it at the top of this blogpost. That's for certain.

As for my athlete of the year, I haven't decided yet. Some name will pop into my head as I write the last blog post of the year later this month. But I'll put my past 3 winners up against SI's any day. Those would be YE Yang (2009), Landon Donovan (2010), and Jimmer Fredette (2011). I've got a feeling another golfer could win it this year. Maybe a kid from Northern Ireland...

Christmas isn't officially for a few more weeks, but I've been seeing signs of it already. Did you know that "every kiss begins with Kay?" Or that you should "get a get a get a Garmin?" All that advertising is nice. I really enjoy it. But the music is even better. I was sitting at one of the worst dive bars known to man Wednesday, a joint called Darunkass in disincorporated Greensboro, with about a dozen rednecks discussing bow hunting and horse power - my kind of guys. I felt a little out of place, seeing as how I was the only guy in the place wearing a sport coat and tie. Anyway, one of the TV's to my left was tuned to CMT. And the sound was up for some reason. A man in chaps was sitting at a high top watching intently. And the station aired Christmas tunes with a country music twist for like an hour. I had a hard time masking my laughter. But I managed to, as I was a little concerned each of the dudes sitting around getting hammered at 4:30  in the afternoon might have a shotgun out in their trucks. But the country music Christmas songs were hilariously awful. My favorite was a version of I'll Be Home For Christmas by Rascal Flatts. I found it amusing because, as I've mentioned before on this blog, I went to school for a year or so with a kid in the group. A kid named Jay Demarcus. And Jay, besides being one of the worst pathological liars I ever met in my life, sings really nasally. So seeing Jay on the old CMT at this redneck dive bar was pretty interesting. I know one thing, if Jay stumbled into Darunkass some afternoon and that same crew I encountered was there, he'd need to stay quiet. Because if he started in with all these wild lies like he did back in 1986, those boys in Darunkass would shoot him dead on the spot. As for me??? I got along so well with the good old boys at Darunkass that they bought me 2 shots. Not that I needed them at 5 in the afternoon. But trust me, these were the types of guys who you don't turn down a shot from. They take that as a personal insult. And me being such a sweet kid, I didn't turn them down. As I hoisted the second shot of Jack back, I said, pretty loudly "to Jeff Davis."

Several folks have asked me about TOSU and their recently completed undefeated season in college football. I watched all their games but one (against Indiana) and I gotta say, they weren't overwhelmingly impressive most of the season. Yes, TOSU went 12 & 0. And that was great and all. But this notion being floated by the typical Buckeye fan that the Associated Press should vote them number 1 is pretty absurd. They'd be hard pressed to beat any team in the top 10 or 12. Not that it couldn't happen. It would just be unlikely. The one team I'd love to see them get a shot at is old Notre Dame. The last time TOSU played the Irish they put up 618 yards of offense and crucified them in the Corn Chip Bowl back in January of 2006. Thanks to my man, the 10. Troy Fucking Smith.

Ho, Ho, Ho