The Suburban Ministry

I got a text from Geilfuss the other night (and by the way, his texting ability has soared off the charts over the past year or so - I mean, the kid even capitalized and punctuated correctly, amazing). He informed me that he was at some bar in Canton (not Canton, Ohio - the Canton in the Charm City) and a big blonde with a Brian Bosworth haircut was dead drunk flashing her tits all over the place, looking for a meaningless hook-up with any dude who could get a boner. I got right back to Geilfuss and speculated that this supposed girl who was flashing her tits all over the place might not just have a Brian Bosworth haircut. This supposed girl might actually be Brian Bosworth. The Boz did roid up quite a bit back in the day. And we all know that years of roid use can lead to dudes growing those pesky man boobs that are so cumbersome to haul around all day. As far as the Boz being out in Canton looking for some man on man action, that could very well be possible too. You know, what with the Boz's great affection for being run over by Bo Jackson on MNF. The Boz was indeed probably in that bar in Canton, flashing his man boobs all over the place, hoping desperately to get a little anal action going with a brother who favorably resembled Bo Jackson. It all makes perfect sense. Now, if I had been at that bar in Canton with Geilfuss (and remember, I've been in many bars with Geilfuss, just go back and read old posts of this pathetic blog for proof), I would have thoroughly interrogated this Boz looking person. And that would have ended badly - probably with Geilfuss and me being escorted out of the bar...

I saw where Mike Judge is bringing back the greatest artistic success in the history of western civilization to MTV in October. Yes, new episodes of Beavis & Butthead are coming. I never have figured out why I'm still alive after all these years of being a walking death wish. But now I know. It was to live to see the new episodes of Beavis & Butthead. What other reason could there possibly be???

Recently, at the place I occasionally show up to work, I've been going to the Pack A Sack next door during lunch. And I've been purchasing tins of potted meat. Lots of tins of potted meat. Everyone reading this blog knows my fascination and fixation on potted meat. I haven't been eating the potted meat I've been purchasing. Obviously, that's nasty. Sick. What I've been doing is placing the tins of potted meat on a table and letting them build up into a pyramid of potted meat over the weeks. It became a pretty impressive pyramid, if I can say so myself. I mean there were lots of 39 cent tins of tripe mixed in with 50 cent tins of Vienna sausages. I was very proud of my little pyramid of potted meat. No one ate any of it or anything. The folks who I've worked with the longest over at the place I occasionally show up to work pay no attention to my silly time-killing shenanigans. They roll their eyes, totally unfazed. But the folks who don't know me so well, they think I'm crazy over this potted meat pyramid situation - which amuses me to no end. Anyway, one of my favorite colleagues over at the place I occasionally show up to work mentioned that maybe the potted meat should be donated to some deal called Urban Ministry here in the Gate City. I told this colleague I had a better idea, I said "Why don't we donate them to Suburban Ministry? Why do the urban folks get all the benefits of food donations. I mean, that's not fair." Someone laughed. So, as a result of the suggestion to donate this potted meat pyramid to a charity food bank, what I'm planning on doing is starting a Suburban Ministry. What I'll do is go door-to-door in an upscale neighborhood in the NW part of the Gate City with a brown bag filled with various types of potted meat. I'll offer each household up to 3 tins of potted meat. They can't take more than that. It wouldn't be fair to the other struggling suburban families in the area. And I'm all about fairness. Fairness is my deal. In fact, I am fairness. If anyone wishes to donate tins of potted meat for my new Suburban Ministry undertaking, please send them to the place I occasionally show up to work, postage due, attention to TBFH. This idea should really take off. I'm excited about it.

I just got a text from Luke of Jacoby fame & he let me know that he's holding a weekly Bible study in Geilfuss's old room. Which is so disturbing, I shouldn't even write about it. I mean, the thought of the Jacobys sitting around on the chairs and couches in that room, discussing Bible verses and their relevance in this wanton world they find themselves inhabiting, is scary. The debauchery that has gone down in that area is beyond the pale. I'll put it like this, the Jacobys holding Bible study in Geilfuss's old room is akin to the Queen of England taking a dump at a dive bar off Richie Highway in Glen Burnie while giving a hand job to Dustin Diamond.

I'm tongue-tied.