The Worst Villains Imaginable

At the end of yesterday's post, I mentioned that I'd be putting something up about comic book villains or something. The impetus for what follows is a few discussions I've had at the place I occasionally show up to work with a fellow who is a die hard comic book follower. This guy has mentioned some kind of Legion of Doom or Legion of Death or Legion of Lesions or something a few times here this summer. So, I was kind of throwing out ideas for members of this Legion from time to time. Just being silly, passing the time during breaks from the grueling tedium of the nature of my real fake job. Then earlier this week, there was news that broke about one Peter Parker, the Spiderman. Evidently the Spiderman has evolved with the times. From here on out, the Spiderman will be morphed into a half brother/half Hispanic crime fighter. Oh, and he's gonna dabble in the dark world of the anal arts as well. I guess that's progress in comic book land. I have no idea. I've never read a comic book in my life. But news of Spiderman's newly unearthed latent gay tendencies caused me to jot down some ideas for potential villains that would harass old Spidey in his new adventures as a homosexual defender of the American way. Here you go ---

Misplaced Nut Man - This villain's special power is derived from the fact that one of his testicles is not where nature intended. See, Misplaced Nut Man has one testicle in the old ball sac and the other testicle kind of dangling right between his eyebrows. He doesn't work out or anything. He's not in good shape. He's got some girth. How he terrorizes the good people of wherever is that he just meanders the streets very slowly and when an unsuspecting lady catches a glimpse of the misplaced nut hanging in the middle of his brow, they scream, pass out, or become aroused. Whichever. It doesn't matter. The Misplaced Nut Man then snatches the poor woman's purse and ambles off slowly to the nearest KFC to purchase greasy dark meat chicken. The horror that ensues causes a city wide panic that only a superhero of Spiderman's caliber can combat. The most interesting thing about Misplaced Nut Man is that in his spare time he likes to play team trivia. He's got lists of random facts he often studies. Misplaced Nut Man usually sits in with the Jacobys at team trivia games. And the Jacobys are so nice, they never mention the nut staring them in the face for hours on end. Doing so would go against the creed of the Jacobys - do unto others and all that jazz. And on the odd night when the Jacobys take down a place in the money, they let Misplaced Nut Man have the gift card. They feel bad for him. You know, what with the fact he's got a misplaced testicle and all. Luke feels guilty about it, but keeps giving him the gift cards all the same.

Embalming Fluid Floozy - This chick is dangerous. By day Embalming Fluid Floozy works 9 to 5 at a funeral home for a mortician that is a dead ringer for Dabney Coleman. She prepares dead old bags for viewings. Sheer drudgery. She seems like another lost soul caught up in the Obama Nation. But, that's not exactly the case. Because by night, Embalming Fluid Floozy injects her face with embalming fluid she's stolen from the funeral home. She then dons a dominatrix type red leather costume and hits the clubs. When the pitiful men with the Jersey Shore style t-shirts and too much gel in their hair hit on her, Embalming Fluid Floozy quickly seduces them, drags them into the ladies room for what they assume to be a quick blow job, then pulls out the old embalming needle just as these guidos are rock hard and injects the embalming fluid right into them through the tips of their members. As you can imagine, Embalming Fluid Floozy's shenanigans strike fear into the club owners of the city and the only way to halt her embalming fluid in the junk spree is for Spiderman to intervene and save the day.

Parachute Pants Person - This guy is a brother. He goes by the name Stanley Burrell during the day, making harmless rap records that no one but the most insipid white kids buy. But by night, old Stanley puts on some right out of the 80's/early 90's purple parachute pants, which allows him to fly from Taco Bell to Taco Bell. The thing about Parachute Pants Person that's so vexing is that he doesn't rob the Taco Bells of the wrinkled ones in the cash register. Instead he drops into the kitchen area of the fast food paradise and gobbles up as many chalupas as possible and then flies away to the safety of a nearby hideout where he quickly consumes the stolen chalupas. Parachute Pants Person's antics causes quite a problem for the Taco Bell franchisees, as after he flies away a mob of drunk college students are left loitering about the Taco Bell waiting for their chalupas. Riots ensue. The biggest problem for Parachute Pants Person is that as a result of wolfing down dozens of chalupas each night, he puts on a little weight. He's got a chalupa gut. A gut similar to those that easy coeds get from nights on end of binge drinking and Taco Bell runs. Not a pretty sight, to say the least.

Crossdressing Criminal Caveman - Oh boy, is this cat trouble. He's a misplaced soul from prehistoric times plopped down into the cruel modern world. He has no name, no identity, and generally feels displaced in Obama's America. His English language skills approximate those of the typical Obama voter. As a result of these feelings of utter loneliness and an inability to connect to folks in what passes for polite society, this caveman turns to 2 things - crossdressing and crime. By day, he stands on the street corner begging for dough from folks burdened by white liberal guilt. And when he collects enough cash, the caveman heads for the nearest Victoria's Secret and buys the sheerest lingerie he can afford. He prefers to buy garments in the color blue. Then when night befalls the cruel modern city he's forced to inhabit, he becomes Crossdressing Caveman Criminal. He inflicts terrible pain and suffering on the city through his nightly attacks on filling station Quickie Marts. Crossdressing Caveman Criminal bursts into a random Quickie Mart, then the Indian or Pakistani attendant is so mortified by the the sight of a caveman in a blue teddie that said attendant quickly hands over piles of Camel Lights, ribbed for her pleasure condoms, & several 40's. As you would expect, Crossdressing Caveman Criminal, while a menace to polite society, becomes a folk hero to all the down on their luck outcasts permeating the confines of our culture of corruption. The stories involving Crossdressing Caveman Criminal pretty much write themselves from there. He would become a comic book legend.

Joystick Joyce - This is a chick stuck in the heyday of the arcade boom from back about 30 years ago. She's a homely woman in her mid 40's who still sports the acid washed jeans and big hair so pervasive in the 80's. She works for the local Democrat Party as a runner in poor neighborhoods. But all the while, as she knocks on door after door passing out propaganda claiming that Sarah Palin is the anti-christ, she reminisces about her time in the arcades of the 80's, where she would give handjobs to the very top Q*Bert players as they massaged the game's joystick to heights of glory never since seen. So, what Joystick Joyce does to reconnect to her past glory days giving handjobs to mullet sporting losers, is she hangs around the few old time pizza joints that still have operational video game machines in the corners. Joyce is no longer picky about the specific game some dude has mastered. Be it Frogger, Ms Pac-Man, Centipede, or even The Gauntlet, Joyce sits patiently waiting in these mom and pop pizza places for some man, of any age, to drop a quarter in the slot and start manipulating the joystick. She then approaches these men from behind and without saying a word, Joyce reaches around and undoes their button fly. You may be wondering, how is this a problem??? I mean it's harmless handjobs between possibly consenting adults, right??? Not so fast. The problem is that many of these lonely men Joyce services at the arcade machines haven't been with a woman in so long, that their ejaculations, when they inevitably quickly come, spurt all over the pizza joint. Some gets into the sauce. And this drives the pizza place proprietors crazy. It's a real pickle of a problem for them. A superhero must be summoned to save the pizza sauce from having a too strong trace of salt in it. That's where old Spiderman enters to save the pizza joint owners from Joystick Joyce and her handjobs of harm.

Candy Offerer - This guy is a menace. He's not a pedophile who tries to lure young boys into his Chevy Malibu with the promise of Gobstoppers or Dweebs. No, he's way worse. What Candy Offerer does is work at a State Department of Education in a needless job that could be done by a 12 year-old retard. He sits in his cubicle all day with bags of candy at the ready, waiting for a co-worker to pop in and ask some innocuous question about this or that. Then Candy Offerer offers the unsuspecting colleague candy. Now, the candy isn't laced with heroin or anything. The candy is fine. Trying to drug fellow employees is not Candy Offerer's bag. His crime is annoyingly asking anyone who stops in if they'd like some candy. Then shoving some in the fellow employee's direction. This is one of the worst crimes against humanity imaginable. Why? Because Candy Offerer is making his colleagues feel obligated to take some candy. And since no one likes to be rude, they do. He's a terrible, terrible person who must be stopped at all costs.

Unemployable Reader - This is Candy Offerer's brother. He too is not a criminal in the traditional comic book sense. What Unemployable Reader does is stand around and talk endlessly to anyone who will feign listening to him about how the world has wronged him by not letting him get a job in the field he misguidedly studied in college. He has an axe to grind with society. What makes Unemployable Reader so insidious is that after listening to him pout, bitch, and whine for a few minutes, anyone listening to him becomes suicidal. I mean, they desperately want to take their own lives, as death is far preferable to listening to Unemployable Reader drone on about the Master's degree he dropped tens of thousands of bucks earning, yet was attained for naught. A pitiful sight if there ever was one.