Passing The Time At A Ski Resort Bar

Safety first, even at the Ski Lodge bar...

I found myself sitting at the bar of a ski lodge on Saturday afternoon in West Virginia. Most folks were there to enjoy an afternoon of outdoor winter fun, participating in snow skiing, snowboarding, and whatever else crazy people do on mountainous snowy slopes to pass the time. I have zero interest in getting involved in any of that crap. I've trudged through and driven in enough snow in the past to last a lifetime. So, I decided to hunker in at the bar to pass the time. There were 2 middle-aged ladies manning the bar during the afternoon, 2 frumpy looking gals with big knockers and frosted blonde hair - you know the type. They were really slow with their service - pitifully slow. I had to wait almost 10 minutes at times for a lousy draft beer to come my way. During the course of the afternoon, I made the acquaintance of a nurse from Charlotte. She was also at the ski resort not skiing. She was there passing the time while her friends and family took part in fun-filled snow activities, like all the loons out that day. Anyway, this nurse from Charlotte was a sister named Tanya and she too got a little annoyed at the shitty service the 2 buxom bartenders were providing. Tanya got into the vodka shots pretty early in the day, so she was feeling it a bit. At one point, Tanya became so irritated with the slow service at the bar that she informed me that the 2 white gals behind the bar were working on CPT. She giggled a bit and asked me if I knew what CPT meant. I had a thought or 2 but decided not to offer an opinion about what CPT meant. Then Tanya informed me that CPT was short for Colored People Time. I responded by telling Tanya, "That's some racist shit right there." Tanya found that amusing, being that she was black and all. Later Tanya told me about a conversation she overheard in one of the ladies bathrooms at the ski lodge. Evidently Tanya witnessed a Vietnamese woman chastising her son about something or other in the can and expressed some concern that this Vietnamese mom would take an 8 year old into the women's room at a ski lodge. I asked Tanya, "Did you catch the son's name?" She responded, "No, why?" I said, "I'm thinking it might be Hung So Low. That would account for why an 8 year old needed help using the bathroom. I mean if the kid really was Hung So Low, wouldn't it stand to reason that he might need a little help in aiming his piss into the toilet. And who better than dear old mom to aid this youngster?" At that point Tanya had fallen off her bar stool in fits of laughter. She couldn't disagree with me though. My theory had some validity.

Speaking of the bathrooms at this ski place in West Virginia, I ventured into the men's room near the bar several times myself during the day. On one of those occasions I found myself at a urinal located just to the right of a stall. I only mention it because while standing at the urinal for around a minute, I heard these wild cries coming from some man in the stall to my right. Whoever this guy was, he was in great pain on the shitter. He was crying in agony, loudly moaning stuff like, "Ooohhhh fuck," or "Aahhhh!!! Uugghhh!!!" I went back into the bar and informed some of the folks about my experience. One of the guys I was there with accused me of exaggerating what I'd heard. About an hour later, I went back into that same bathroom and noticed a sign on the stall where the gentleman was screaming that said - Closed For The Day. I didn't peek inside to see what had occurred to cause the staff at the ski lodge to shut down the stall for the day. But I had some thoughts on what that stall might look like. Flash forward another hour, that same guy who insisted I was telling a bit of a tale about what I'd experienced in the can, came in from some quality time on the slopes. He needed to piss, seeing as how he'd been drinking all day between trips to the slopes. This kid used the same bathroom near the bar that I'd been using. He came back a few minutes later and he was screaming at me, "D, holy fuck, D!!!! I looked into that stall that said Out Of Order. There was shit everywhere!!! Even on the fucking walls, D!!!" I said. "A, why would I  make up a story about a guy in agony in a bathroom stall. And B, what in the world possessed you to look inside the stall? That's some sick shit right there." The kid in question couldn't disagree with me. So, instead of disagreeing with me, the kid ordered a 7 & 7 and drank it quickly. I couldn't blame him. I'm not sure what the protocol is after seeing 2 hour old shit all over a bathroom stall, but I'm guessing that a fast drink isn't a bad start...

Earlier I mentioned the Vietnamese woman and her son in the bathroom, with that in mind, I've always thought it would be cool if Hope Solo, goalkeeper for US Women's Soccer, had a son and named him Hung. Hung Solo. It probably won't happen. I'll grant you that. But I can hope. Can't I?

The Django Unchained Movie

Urgent Score Update - From Coral Gables, Florida: Thug U 90 Duke 63. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was sitting near several Duke fans during the game at Sloppys & those folks were in total shock during that 1st half run where the Canes outscored Coach K's boys 25-1. Seth Curry went 0 for 10 from the floor. Quinn Cook  went 1 for 12 from the floor. Tyler Thornton went 0 for 7 from the floor. That's 1 for 29 for those 3 amazing Blue Devil stars. That's just north of 3%. And the defense was atrocious. Hall Of Fame shortstop Barry Larkin's son, Shane, embarrassed anyone that Duke had trying to check him. The oddest thing about the whole affair was Coach K's attire. Instead of going with his typical dark mortician style suit, Coach K went with a dark sport coat and charcoal hued slacks. Maybe his luggage was lost on the flight to Miami, I have no idea. But it was bizarre to see Coach K attired so shabbily. One of the Duke fans at Sloppys kept bitching about the officiating. I encouraged him to keep it up. There's little in life that amuses me more than witnessing Duke fans try to rationalize a shitty effort by blaming the zebras. I kept telling the Duke fans within earshot that they only have to wait about 8 more weeks before they can try and get out of the 1st round of the NCAA Tournament, so long as they don't draw Lehigh again...

I went and saw Django Unchained recently (the D is silent, as they repeatedly remind us throughout the film). And maybe I'm getting old or something, but I didn't like it nearly as much as I assumed I would. Historically, it's wildly inaccurate. But that didn't bother me much. Poetic license and whatnot. There's a scene featuring the KKK that's pretty funny, as the klansmen don't have big enough eye holes on the sacks that hide their faces. They keep complaining about not being able to see anything. The movie is set in 1858. The Klan wasn't founded until after the Civil War ended. Whatever. Watching Nash Bridges himself, Don Johnson, get murdered during the scene made up for it. I'm not sure why I didn't like the movie very much. There's lots of violence, which I thought was well done. The acting was pretty good, especially Mace Windu playing a house slave. I guess it just seemed very silly overall. In the end, all the white people are dead (killed by Jamie Foxx of all people) and Django and his wife ride off into the sunset.

As always in Tarantino's films, he casts himself in a part. In Django Unchained, Tarantino plays an Australian slave overseer (Jamie Foxx kills him too). Anyway, I know Tarantino is pushing 50 years old at this point, but he looks really fat. It was unsettling to see how much weight he's gained. At the rate he's going, Tarantino will be in Orson Welles territory before long...  

Speaking of Tarantino, I really think that his best movie is Jackie Brown. When in came out in 1997, I didn't like it as much as Reservoir Dogs or Pulp Fiction. But as the years have elapsed and I've re-watched all 3 of them more and more, it really is his best movie. It's the only one where you care about the main character (Pam Grier in this case). The rest of Tarantino's movies, while entertaining and funny and smart, are more exercises in showing off his genius as an auteur. Which is okay I guess. I'll continue to watch his movies. But the problem with Django Unchained is you are never invested in any of the characters. It's good. It's entertaining. It's worth your 7 bucks at a matinee showing. But you just sit there going, "that's interesting" or "that's a pretty funny line." And after 2 and 1/2 hours it ends. It won't resonate with you. It's kind of a shame.

Speaking of Django Unchained, Spike Lee has taken Tarantino to task for making a movie depicting slavery.  I guess he doesn't think a white dude should be allowed to make a film that depicts slaves being viciously beaten, tortured, forced to fight each other to the death, and torn apart by rabid dogs. And maybe Lee has a point. But if Lee bothered to go see the movie, he'd quickly realize that Tarantino is not really saying anything profound about slavery as an institution. He's not trying to say anything profound about the plight of slaves. It's merely the only setting Tarantino could use to fulfill his fantasy of making a movie where a black man can justifiably kill every white person he comes in contact with. Nothing more, nothing less.

Lastly on this Django film, it was widely reported that Tarantino was trying to get Will Smith to play Django and Smith turned him down flat. I think I know why that might be the case. I'm guessing that Smith read the script and realized that the Django character is poorly fleshed out. He's a slave who becomes a bounty hunter, then goes to get his wife away from Leo DiCaprio and kills all the white people on Leo's plantation in the process. That's it. Django isn't a real character in any sense. You never get any sense of Django as a person at all. Thus, you can't really blame The Fresh Prince for taking a pass on the movie.

Okay, enough about that...

God Keeps Punishing Irish Fans

Will Dorothy be Manti's next fake girlfriend? She really existed and she's really dead.

Barack Hussein Obama will be inaugurated for his 2nd term next Monday. I don't get the sense that folks are nearly as excited this time around. I flew from BWI 4 years ago the day after Barry's 1st inaugural and as I blogged about at that time, I'd never seen more black ladies in fur coats in the same place at the same time in my life. It was a festive atmosphere to say the least. I remember standing in line to buy a New Yorker at the newsstand in the Southwest terminal for about 20 minutes, as dozens of folks who attended the inaugural the day before were snatching up copies of every newspaper available to take home as souvenirs. I get the feeling there won't be nearly the same thirst for newspapers next Tuesday. Attendance is expected to be way down from 4 years ago. Also, the charity set up to raise money for the inauguration parties and whatever else goes down to celebrate winning an election is having a terrible time getting their fat cat liberal donors to give them a penny. They wanted to raise $50 million but are way short of the goal. Perhaps the lack of enthusiasm is understandable, as the occasion is not nearly as historic as last time. Or perhaps the lack of enthusiasm is due to Barry letting so many folks down over the last 4 years. Perhaps it's some of both. Any way you slice it, a certain malaise is hovering over Barry now. Eventually some big news magazine will call it Obama Fatigue (mark my words on that.) He's a lame duck now, fighting over petty silly issues with John Boner and his boys in the GOP. Nothing that really needs to be addressed will be. At least I hope Barry and his family have a good time at the $50 million extravaganza  his cronies are throwing for them the next couple days.

In a related story, Joe Biden and his medically induced constant erection will be sworn in for 4 more years of fun as Vice President. Only in America...

There is a big story out of South Bend, Indiana about one of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish football players claiming he had a girlfriend who died of cancer last September. Turns out, this supposed girlfriend never existed. The kid with the fake girlfriend played linebacker at the school. If you watched the BCS "Championship" game last week, the kid in question was the Irish defender whiffing on tackle after tackle (oh wait, that was the entire Notre Dame defense whiffing on tackle after tackle, my bad). There's lots of speculation in the media about this kid and the fake dead girlfriend. From my own, and admittedly unique, perspective, one of two things has to be true about this linebacker from America's flagship Catholic University. One, the kid made all this up in some misguided attempt to hide the fact he's not down with the ladies. If that's the case, as weird as the whole tale is, you can kind of give the kid a pass. With the noted exception of the shower room at Penn State, gay lovemaking is generally frowned upon in the world of big time college football. So, you could kind of understand why this linebacker would make up some story about having a long distance relationship with a girl so that none of his teammates would question if he liked gals. Of course the execution of this ruse was botched horribly, but what do you expect? The kid's not the brightest guy you'll come across. The other thing that could be true about this Irish gridiron legend  is that a few folks went to a lot of time & effort to fuck with the kid. To what end, I have no idea. It seems implausible. But let's pretend that this Mormon tackling machine is really gullible enough to have been catfished. If that's true, and you wanna go down that road, then you'd have to say that he's the worst boyfriend in the history of boyfriends. He never once went and visited with her after she supposedly almost died in a car crash last spring. Or when she was supposedly diagnosed with leukemia in early summer. Or went to her funeral after she died. He couldn't say for certain what her major supposedly was at Stanford. He couldn't recall when he supposedly met her exactly. The list goes on and on and on. Now, I've been accused of being a bad boyfriend a time or 2 over the years, believe me. I've had some accusations thrown at me about being thoughtless, selfish, etc. So, I know a little about this topic. But, I would go ahead and make it a point to drop in a girl if she was in the hospital with life threatening injuries or going through chemotherapy. Not even I'm that thoughtless or selfish. So, there you have it in a nutshell - this Notre Dame football star is either gay and won't come out of the closet (and again, you can't blame him for that) or he's the worst boyfriend since that dude who killed Dorothy Stratten. It's one of the 2...

The Lincoln Movie

Johnny Booth - ignored by Spielberg

The weirdest part about the Lincoln movie is that towards the end of it (and the film is REALLY long, by the way), Tommy Lee Jones takes off his wig and hobbles into bed with the black police lady from Law & Order. I started laughing. The folks nearby in the theater seemed none too pleased.

The 2nd weirdest part of the Lincoln movie is that Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. The movie is set in early 1865. Mrs Lincoln would have been 46 at that time. She had a son who was born in 1853. Sally Field was born in 1946. Thus, she's 66 years old. That's a 19 year difference. I found it totally unbelievable that moviegoers are supposed to buy into the premise that Sally Field could have given birth at 54 years of age. I couldn't suspend my disbelief. Couldn't Spielberg have hired an actress closer in age to Mrs Lincoln? Is that asking too much? Maybe it's because Spielberg was also born in 1946 and thinks he and Ms Fields are spring chickens. I have no idea.

Did I mention the Lincoln movie is REALLY long? It went on for what seemed like 4 hours. I would have left at some point before it ended, but it was so suspenseful I just couldn't do it. I needed to know that the 13th Amendment was passed in the House of Representatives, the Union won the war, and Lincoln was assassinated. I'm glad the movie covered all of that ground because I had no clue until the last 20 minutes of the thing that history turned out that way. Did anyone know any of this before seeing the Lincoln movie? I, like many other ignorant folks, thought that slavery was still legal, the South won the war, and Lincoln lived a happy life to the ripe old age of 92. Thank you for setting me straight there, Spielberg.

The most disappointing thing about the Lincoln movie is that Johnny Booth never made an appearance. The scene I waited around the theater 4 hours for never was shown. I wanted to see Booth jump at Lincoln, yell "Sic semper tyrannis," shoot him, and race off into the spring evening. But for some reason Spielberg didn't show the assassination. Maybe he wanted to leave the audience wanting more???

I was so disappointed that Johnny Booth never showed up, that when the movie finally ended, I bolted up from my seat and said "Where the hell was Johnny Booth?" Alas, none of my fellow moviegoers laughed...

I'd heard from about a dozen folk the past 2 months that the Lincoln movie was very good and that I really should see it. I feared it would be typical Spielberg propaganda. I admit I was wrong about that. Spielberg did present the other view of Lincoln, that he was little more than a petty, power grabbing, tyrant. So, I appreciated that. In fact, the best character in the movie is some ex-mayor of New York City who gets up on the floor of the House of Representatives and rips into Lincoln. I enjoyed that immensely. Instead of a piece of antagonizing propaganda, Spielberg delivered a slow moving story that everyone knew the end of. Pretty pointless.

The 3rd weirdest thing about the Lincoln movie, while I'm thinking of it, was the way Daniel Day-Lewis walked. His gait as Lincoln was reminiscent of a horse who pulls up lame just after breaking the starting gate at Belmont...

The best acting in the movie, and this should come as no shock, was done by James Spader. He was hilarious. Although, as always when I see James Spader, I kept hoping he'd deliver his best line from Pretty In Pink, "That girl was, and will always be, nada."

Drunk Lesbians Toss Bean Bags On A Saturday Night

Jittery Falcon Fan, and yours truly, at the infamous Kicken Chicken just after halftime of  the Seattle/ATL game yesterday. I'm not sure what I love most about Jittery in this photo - the warrior helmet, the big foam hand, the fake Turner jersey tucked too tightly into his jeans, the goofy grin, or the crazed look in his eyes...

Saturday night, I had the pleasure of hanging out at some joint downtown called the Less Fortunate House. The weather was unseasonably warm - mid 60's. So, the outside bar was open and the Baltimore/Denver game was being shown on a wall to the right of the bar. And as many of you know, if there is an outdoor bar area and the weather is cooperative, the damn Cornhole will inevitably be played. And the damn Cornhole was played. Specifically played by about 14 lesbians. I'm not sure if Less Fortunate House is known around town as a lesbian bar or not. But Saturday night it was almost exclusively lesbian (I've always said that if I was a chick, I'd be 100% lesbo myself). Anyway, all these lesbians were dead drunk, screaming at one another about who would take whose keys so no one drove drunk, and heaving those ugly bean bags all over the place. I started to become annoyed with the lesbian bean bag tossing. On one typical errant toss, a bean bag nearly hit me in the head. Plus, the drunk lesbians were heaving the bean bags right in front of the wall where the huge playoff game was being projected. It made it difficult to follow the game, to say the least. I got out of there after regulation ended and watched the overtime at RumbleForeskins. My favorite of the dozen or so hammered lesbians was a short blondish woman with the oddest pear-shaped body I've ever seen. What I liked about her so much was that you could see the Tommy Hilfiger boxers she was wearing, as her ill-fitting jeans were hung way too low. She was yelling gibberish about not being too drunk to operate a motor vehicle. Let's just say that the display was not very lady-like. It gave me 2nd thoughts on my whole "if I were a chick, I'd be a lesbian" approach to life. These lesbians were awful.

Speaking of the NFL playoffs, who was that in Champ Bailey's uniform Saturday night? There's no way that was the real Champ Bailey. For a moment I thought ex-Raven nickel back Cory Ivy had kidnapped Bailey and put on his uniform so he could get torched one last time by an NFL receiver...

Speaking of defensive backs, my favorite player in the NFL, as many of you know, is the 20. And in all the years I've watched the 20 play, I can never recall a game where he was so invisible. I kept saying, to no one in particular, "Is Ed Reed even on the field?"

Speaking of the NFL playoffs again, am I the only person who is now convinced that Russell Wilson is the best quarterback in the league? Admittedly, I've been a longtime Wilson fetishist. I loved to bet on NCSU when Wilson was there and getting any points in a game against a quality opponent. He was money, especially against the Heels. But I never imagined his game would translate like this to the NFL. His poise and decision making are unreal.

I was out at the old Wing Joint recently, and as we all know, servers come and go there constantly. You see one for a week or 2, then they vanish. Thus, the servers rarely distinguish themselves. But there is a server working there right now who has caught my eye. I couldn't tell you her name to save my life, but I've taken to calling her Big TP (the TP stands for trailer park, if anyone cares). She's a large gal. Anyway, one of the bartenders at Wing Joint, Rayni to be exact, informed me that Big TP has a 4 year-old child. I asked, very quickly, after being told this news, "Is the kid still inside her?" Someone laughed.

I'm done for the day --->

God Is Angry At Irish Fans

Miss Webb seemed pleased that the Irish choked... 

Well, we learned 2 important lessons from that unwatchable football game Monday night in No Life Stadium down in South Florida. 1) God is very pissed at Regis Philbin, Dick Vitale, Vince Vaughn, and the Catholic Church in general. 2) TOSU ended the season as the only unbeaten team in major college football. It was a rout from the kickoff, which surprised me quite a bit. As I mentioned in the write-up Monday, I bet on the Irish +9&1/2. That bet was clearly done by halftime when the Tide was up 28-0. I had one other bet that night - the Utah Jazz -5&1/2 against Dallas. That bet hit by half a point as the Jazz pulled it out late 100-94. Yet another example of the vagaries of gambling. I got killed on the BCS Title game, yet made it up on a silly mid-season NBA game in Salt Lake City...

I was sitting at the infamous Kicken Chicken Sunday watching the Colts gain over 400 yards on the Ravens and managing to get only 9 points out of it & watching dozens of Washington fans fill up the joint in anticipation of their game against Seattle, when Jittery Falcon Fan stumbled by. Only instead of wearing his normal cheap #33 Turner shirt tightly tucked into cheap jeans, Jittery was sporting a hideous Hawaiian shirt tucked into cheap jeans. I was taken aback a bit, to say the least. I asked Jittery why the change in uniform from his usual get-up. He explained that he was there with a couple of his half-Filipino kids. I said, "Daddy day care?" He replied. "No, I just enjoy watching them shove shitty cheese fries down their throats." I said, "Gotcha." Then I walked away quickly to sneak outside to smoke...

A Seahawk Fan

Speaking of the Washington professional football team, I changed my pick from what I'd put on this blog last week. I ended up taking Seattle -3. Needless to say, I was kicking myself a bit when Washington went up 14-0 after 2 long TD drives. Then Bob Griffin started looking really wobbly. He was limping all over the place. He couldn't plant on his back foot when passing, thus the football was sailing all over the place on him. At one point, just before half, I said to a kid next to me, who also had a bet on the Seahawks, "I sure hope they keep Bob in the game. Because if they do, it's only a matter of time until Seattle runs away with this." And I'll be damned, but Washington inexplicably left Griffin in the game until his knee snapped again with like 6 minutes remaining in the 4th quarter. And the Seahawks won by 10. If I were a fan of the Washington football team, I'd be pretty upset with Mike Shanahan right now. Not only did leaving Griffin in the game probably cost Washington the game, but now Griffin might be out 8 months. Hell, even if Griffin does come back in time for next September, who's to say he'll ever be the same???

I've been meaning to mention this for awhile - readers here in the Gate City may recall that before the mayoral election in November 2011, I derided Robbie Perkins pretty hard. I basically called him a smarmy Nixon-esque crook. At least that's how he struck me. Well, Perkins hasn't been indicted or anything, at least to my knowledge, but his smarminess is no longer in question. Perkins left his wife some time ago for some other gal. Now, that's not cool, but it also doesn't  prove he's a terrible person. Here's what he's done since he ran out on his wife - he hasn't been paying the mortgage on the home he and his wife shared - foreclosure is imminent.  That's not the worst of it though. Perkins and his soon to be ex have a teenage daughter. And to spite his soon to be ex, Perkins hasn't been paying any child support. In case you don't know, Perkins reportedly makes around half a million dollars a year with his commercial real estate business. And he hasn't been providing for his teenage daughter. What a swell guy our fair mayor has turned out to be. As always, there was something about the guy that just seemed off to me. Unfortunately, I was right again...

Big news for readers of this blog - Dave White, bartender extraordinaire, is gonna loan me a boxed set of  Sly Stallone films he bought when he was serving over in the Middle East for the US Army. He said he got the set for like 20 bucks on the streets of some city over there that I probably shouldn't say the name of. What I'm gonna do is attempt to watch all these films in this boxed set & blog about my impression of each film. It should be an interesting undertaking, to say the least...

The Papists vs Nick Saban

This little fella looks like he's had a few...

The big BCS Title game is just hours away as I type this. Normally I only do extensive write-ups for the Super Bowl. However, I'm gonna do one for tonight's tilt in South Florida as well. It's not every year that Notre Dame and Alabama face for the title. And each school has so much to offer when analyzing it. It's really on opportunity I couldn't pass up.

Let's look at the Irish first. Notre Dame is the flagship university for the Catholic Church in the Unites States. And that's a heavy burden to bear. When you think of the Catholic Church, a lot of really great accomplishments come to mind. There's the Spanish Inquisition, for instance. For about 350 years the Catholic Church in Spain executed folks left and right for no reason whatsoever. Lots of burning at the stake went down. There's also the Crusades that sent thousands to their deaths over a couple hundred years trying to retake "Holy Lands" for the Church. I know, you say, "but that's all ancient history, TBFH." And it is. But that's part of the awesome legacy that the Irish will be representing tonight in No Life Stadium. In the United States the Catholic Church also has quite a legacy. The biggest legacy being sex abuse on tens of thousands of young boys by trusted priests. In most cases, instead of turning over the offending priests to authorities for prosecution, the Church turned a blind eye. Or simply shuffled raping priests off to another parish only to have these pedophiles pick right up with their heinous crimes in another locale. Eventually the Catholic Church paid for these atrocities to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars in lawsuits, paid for by, you guessed it, run of the mill Catholics around the country through their tithing and whatnot to the Church. When you take all this evidence into account, admittedly it's hard to make a case to pull for the Irish in this game tonight. But it's not impossible. The reason that it's not impossible is because of the team the Irish are playing.

Mr Wallace will be pulling hard for the Tide from his grave.

Alabama has a unique history of its own. To say that the state of Alabama has been unkind to folks of color is akin to saying that Snooki is only a little bit skanky. There's slavery - not a very nice concept when it comes to treating your fellow man. And after slavery was abolished, the state of Alabama went to every length possible to keep brothers and sisters down for the next 120 years - what with those pesky poll taxes and Jim Crow laws being so pervasive. And then there's George Wallace. The legendary racist governor of the state. Did you know that Mr Wallace was still governor of the state as late as January 1987? That's unbelievable. It boggles the mind that as recently as 26 years ago, George Wallace was the people of Alabama's choice to be their leader. I won't delve any further into the dark side of Alabama history. It's too depressing.

So, we've got a classic battle between the Catholic Church, an organization arguably responsible for more evil than any other in world history, against Alabama, a state with a checkered history of hatred towards black folks. It's a tough call there. The next best thing to do is to go ahead and look at the actual football legacy of both schools for guidance on whom to pick in tonight's big game.

I doubt Robin Wright has any clue there is a BCS Title Game tonight

The Irish boast Gerry Faust, Bob Davie, Tyrone Willingham, & Charlie Weis among their legendary coaches. They have Rudy, the subject of an awful movie starring a hobbit, going for them. They have Lou Holtz, he of the amazing lisp, on their side. Of course, the Irish also have some players you may have heard of as well - Tim Brown, Joe Montana, Paul Hornung, Rocket Ismail, and several other NFL greats. The Tide have several legendary coaches in their past too - Mike DuBose, Dennis Franchione, and Mike Shula. They also have Forrest Gump, possibly the worst motion picture to ever win an Oscar, on their resume. Again, after looking into their storied histories, it's hard to find a winner for the BCS game tonight. But, when you really look deep into the 2 teams, a pick becomes easy.

Alabama has Nick Saban on the sidelines. The man who emphatically declared in December 2006 that he had no interest in leaving the Miami Dolphins for the Alabama coaching job. In fact, at one point towards the end of the Dolphins' season, after weeks of speculation that Saban was leaving Miami for Tuscaloosa, Saban told reporters this gem, "I guess I have to say it. I'm not going to be the Alabama head coach...I don't control what people say. I don't control what people on dot-com or anything else. So I'm just telling you there's no significance, in my opinion, about this, about me, about any interest that I have other than being the coach here in Miami." Within days of that statement, Saban was introduced as the Crimson Tide's 27th head coach. This is a great example of a person lying. And the ultimate slimeball move by a football coach. My favorite part of the quote is where Saban uses the phrase "people on dot-com." That's hilariously stupid. Given that Saban is still patrolling the sidelines for the Tide, you have to make your bet accordingly. Take the Irish +9 &1/2. I already have a bet in at that number. And you know it's gonna annoy me and many other folks who despise what the Catholic Church has done in the world to pull for the Papists. But I will. Anything is better than pulling for Nick Saban.

Besides all that, on a serious note, it should be a 3-7 point game for either team.

Enjoy the hype-fest!!!

Gay Marriage Comes To Maryland

Dudes, like these portly fellows, can now tie the knot in MD

It's 2013. And somehow I've survived to see it (at least the first few days). The big story that has caught my attention so far is that in the state of Maryland gay folks can get hitched legally now. Many trivia players around the Baltimore area are no doubt thrilled with this development. It may be a little known fact outside the dark world of team trivia, but for those of us who've visited the assorted venues where these trivia games are contested over the years, we know that gay trivia players are common. Hell, there have been several times at the Bananabees on Padonia in Luther Campbellville where I swear I had to be the only straight dude in the joint on a Friday at 9. What this new law means for the gay trivia players of Maryland is that instead of fighting over who gets the gift card after a hard fought showing where your team finishes in the money, now the gift card becomes community property between the gay couple (or should I say the gay husband and husband or gay wife and wife?). What's key about this change is that when a newly betrothed husband and husband or wife and wife call it quits and have to split up all their shit in a legal separation or divorce, the gift cards from trivia victories will have to be split evenly to each partner. It will certainly make for some interesting legal proceedings.

Speaking of legal proceedings and gay folks getting hitched then inevitably splitting like almost every straight couple does, I'm guessing the biggest winners in Maryland are, you guessed it, the lawyers. With all the new potential divorces that are sure to follow well-intended gay marriages, lawyers will be needed to fight for each husband or wife as the case may be. Attorneys will have exponentially more clients and make tons of dough off this new gay marriage deal. I guess that's a positive for them. At least someone wins in these doomed marriages. Damn lawyers - they probably bankrolled the whole movement to get gay marriage passed in the first place...

I also saw something on the old TV on Tuesday about taxes being raised. It looks like every paycheck will be a little thinner starting this month because the payroll tax is going up 2%. Now, 2% may not sound like much. I'll grant you that. But if you take home 5 grand a month for instance, that's $100 less you'll be seeing direct deposited into the old checking account each month. Remember all those promises Barry made about only increasing taxes on those hated and evil wealthy folks? Turns out, it was all jive, as I've been saying for years. And just wait until the taxes on the socialized medicine deal kick in next year. Good days are ahead for the American taxpayer. More and more dough going straight to DC. I can't wait.

I never did get around to typing some end of 2012 post the past week or whatever (too many bowl games, I guess). But I'll run through some TBFH awards as usual, if a little belatedly. As always if any of the winners wanna claim their prize for victory I'll be happy to get them a shot of the worst rot-gut whiskey or scotch in the bar.

Barfly of the Year - This is always a tough call. The usual suspects come to mind - Moose at Sloppys, Big Spiky Haired Chris, Michigan Molly, Daytime Lori, Jittery Falcon Fan, & the wine ladies at Stumbles. But this year I came across a new barfly several times at both Ass Traps and the old Wing Joint on Battleground. A woman named Teresa. This gal is in her mid 60's. She's dumpy looking. She sports a kind of semi-bob hairdo. She loves Duke. And she's a shameless drunken whore. What more could you possibly ask for in a barfly? I had the opportunity to speak with Teresa one night several weeks ago when she was in an incoherent drunken stupor at Ass Traps. Let's just say I was pressing her hard on the nature of her trim presentation. Teresa did not enjoy the conversation nearly as much as I did. That's for sure. I'm a little worried about Teresa though. I think she's close to getting banned from every damn bar up and down Battleground.

Game of the Year - I'm tempted to go with Spain over Italia in the Euro 2012 final - a 4 to nil thrashing. Or TOSU over Michigan. Or TOSU over Wisconsin (my biggest bet of the football season was on the Buckeyes that Saturday). But in the end, it's not a close call. Easily the game of the year took place right here in the Gate City back in March on a Friday night (it was the 16th if memory serves). Lehigh 75 Duke 70. What a great night to be alive. I'll never forget it. I was at Scams Lakeside at the time. I remember laughing and laughing and laughing, especially when all the Duke fans came pouring into the joint about 30 minutes after fleeing the Greensboro Coliseum in horror.

Celebrity Death of the Year - Easy call this year. Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter died last August. He was terrible in the unwatchable 70's sitcom.

TV Star of the Year - It's got to be Honey Boo Boo. Alana Thompson is her birth name. But this year Alana took the whole country by storm on her terrible TLC program as Honey Boo Boo. I've seen several of the episodes of the show myself. I'm a huge fan of Honey Boo Boo's mother. She's 33, but looks 53. She's gotta weigh 350 pounds. And she's got lots of chins going for her. Honey Boo Boo herself is like 7 years old, but like her mother looks older and like her mother is headed for a life of obesity. My favorite episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is the one where Honey Boo Boo's daddy, a toothless man who goes by Sugar Bear, takes Honey Boo Boo to an arcade type place for an afternoon of fun. I couldn't understand a word the 2 of them said to each other the entire time. It was riveting.

Athlete of the Year - It has to be Rory Mcilroy. I've been hyping him on this blog virtually since its inception. And in 2012, Mcilroy was dominant. His greatest victory came at the PGA Championship in South Carolina last August, where he obliterated the deepest  field in golf by 8 shots.

I'm not gonna waste any time on bowl previews this time. I will try and get a BCS "Championship" preview up soon (at least before next Monday's kickoff), as that will be an epic battle of evil on evil - the Catholic Church vs Nick Saban.

As far as NFL Wild Card Weekend - Bengals +4&1/2, GB -7&1/2, Indy/Bal Over 46, & Washington if they are getting more than 2&1/2.