Dave's Flavor Saver

I was out the other night at Scams Brassfield (I'd wandered in the place on a total whim). As I walked toward the bar, I ran into a very nice couple (the Welkers) whom I see around town occasionally. Anyway, I had a few beers and was chatting with this couple about German history of all things. About an hour passes and a short black dude I've seen around the bars from time to time over the years (the poor brother is a Raider fan) starts to set up for karaoke. Now, as long suffering readers of this blog are aware, I love bad karaoke. I've blogged in the past about the karaoke nights at the Ramada on Loch Raven in the town Elaine Benes is from. So, I was pretty pumped for some hard hitting karaoke silliness. As 10 o'clock rolled around there were like 70 people at the bar breathlessly awaiting the big awful terrible singing show that was to come. And let me tell you, the random patrons of Scams Brassfeild were not disappointed. The "singers" were atrocious. Two performers in particular stand out for me. The first was this old timer (pictured above, photo courtesy of Jan.) who was clutching 2 beers at the bar at the same time. He waddled over to sing after some random blonde sang country (badly I might add). And he burst into some Sinatra type standard. He was a bad singer. Just bad, not horrific or anything off the charts shitty. But the old timer put so much emotion into his performance that I though he was gonna start crying at any moment. I was almost in tears, not due to any emotion I was feeling from the spectacle this geezer was putting on, but due to my terrible instinct to laugh at people as they humiliate themselves. The other memorable performance was just plain bizarre. I had gone outside after the strange old man's song to regain my bearings. While out there, I started to get hit on by a flaming homosexual. Which is fine, I've dealt with these offers many times over the years. A few minutes pass and this flirty gay fellow runs inside. I go back in immediately when I hear the beginning of Strokin' by Clarence Carter, because I love that song. It is so mindlessly vacuous, yet catchy. And I'll be damned but the same gay kid who was chatting me up was singing the Strokin'. Let me clarify that, he wasn't singing at all. He was speaking the words in a high-pitched, Paul Lynde nasally type voice. I was convulsing in such a fit of laughter, that I literally fell off the bar stool. You can ask the Welkers, they saw the whole thing. As the fairy wound down his version of Strokin', I threw a 20 to my man Scuba, bid adieu to the Welkers, and got the hell out of that Scams.

Speaking of being out, last night I was at the Wing Joint on Battleground for just a bit. And KC, day manager and resident lush, was telling me, Tess, and Tess's husband Alex that she hadn't seen snow until she was 16 years old. I said "Dandruff in your pubic hairs doesn't count, KC." And I gotta be honest. As many of you know, I don't normally laugh at my myself. I keep the delivery very dry (something I stole long ago from Johnny Carson, and was later perfected by Norm Macdonald). But I laughed for like 45 seconds. In fact, I was laughing so hard that Dave, taco lover and Glenn Beck lover, was worried I was gonna pass out. Seriously - dandruff in your pubic hairs doesn't count.

Speaking of tacos, if anyone is hungry in the Gate City late on a Wednesday night, wander your drunken self over to Ass Traps. You can get 3 tacos for $2.50. They are delicious. And the key is this: Dave is a taco lover. Dave will eat some damn tacos. And Dave has a pretty scruffy beard most days. And Dave likes to call his scruffy beard the flavor saver. And that's the whole key. When the juices from the tacos (or whatever else Dave happens to be munching at the time), drip out of his mouth, that unmistakable taco (or whatever else) flavor stays with Dave in that scruffy beard.

Speaking of cunnilingus, Dave (the taco & Glenn Beck lover) sent me a text the other night. Big Lauren and toothless Mitch were in the joint. And they are a big couple. I mean, combined there's gotta be 700 lbs of sexy girth between them. Anyway, in light of that key information, here's the text Dave sent me: Do you think Lauren and Mitch look like two whales when they fuck? And Dave knows better than to try and out gross me. I shot this text back to him mere seconds later: I bet she squirts pepperonis from her pussy when he eats her out.

Religion & Sunday Ticket - An Interesting Mix

Brandon & I have spending Sunday afternoons at Scams Brassfield here the past 3 weeks. They have installed about 18 all new crisp flat screens this year. So, that's nice. Also, we've known the bartender for years (my man Scuba) and he reserves us seats - we just stroll in right before 1 and sit down. It's a good situation to watch Sunday Ticket. Something interesting has happened each of the last 2 weeks though. Something involving the mixing of religion and Sunday Ticket. For week 2, after the 1 o'clock games had gone off and before Scuba had switched over all the TV's to hard hitting 4 o'clock games, I noticed on several screens that there was a religious telethon type show on. A guy in an ill-fitting and too shiny suit was ranting about atonement. In fact, this raving sinister minister was begging folks to call and pledge dough to get atonement. So, what I did, naturally, is call the number on the screen. After a few rings a woman with a twangy southern accent picks up the phone and says hello and informs me of the name of whatever the ministry is called. I think her name was Rhonda. I said, "Hi there. I'm calling about buying some of your atonement. Can you send me some atonement through the mail?" Brandon was laughing pretty hard. Rhonda seemed confused by my query. She informed that I must be watching a rerun of the telethon, but that she'd be happy to take some of my not very hard earned money. I said, "No problem Rhonda. But you gotta assure me I'll get some of that pesky atonement through the mail." Rhonda then let me know she was having a hard time hearing me. I told her that I was calling from a sports bar and there were lots of drunk, screaming Cowboys fans nearby (there were about 7 of them and the Boys had just lost to Chicago, so they were pissed). Rhonda said "Whaaat honey?" I told her I had to run but might call back for atonement when I was some place quieter. I haven't called back yet. Religion showed itself again yesterday at Scams Brassfield, as I found a pamphlet sitting on the sidewalk outside the entrance, where people stand around chain smoking. This pamphlet was printed by some church in Walkertown (which is near Winston) and titled 5 Things God Wants You To Know. I started to read the thing aloud to the about 7 or 8 folks out smoking at the time. I did wonder aloud how this group deemed themselves able to let the world know the 5 things God had to tell us. 1st, it seemed like a limited number of things. I mean, only 5 things? That's it? Also, I was puzzled that none of the 5 things mentioned being a good person, treating animals nicely, giving to charity, blah, blah, blah...One kid out there, a Browns fan, was falling over in fits of laughter. The 5 things the church in Walkertown thought that God wanted the world to know dealt with the idea that you're doomed and going to hell if you don't do what these folks want. It said we are all born to go to hell and then mentioned how to avoid this unpleasant fate. It seems like an odd recruiting tool to pass these little pamphlets out at a sports bar. I wonder how many converts this church gets from this tactic. I will say that no one outside at Scams yesterday seemed swayed to turn their life over to God after I read the 5 points aloud. In fact, there seemed to be more of a sense of mockery than possible acquiescence to this church's ideas on salvation.

Speaking of little religious pamphlets, I was talking to a girl who works at one of the higher end steak joints in town (Ruth's Crisp, I believe) and this girl has worked at other joints in the past. She informed me that one of the worst things about serving diners is early Sunday afternoon. Evidently, churchgoers sometimes go out for a meal once freed from the shackles of church pews. And, instead of tipping money, many of these churchgoers leave behind little pamphlets like the one I described above, or tiny bibles. I had never heard of this. And I can certainly see why that would be frustrating for servers depending on tips for their livelihoods. I would just advise these churchgoers that maybe going ahead and giving a 20% tip might warm up servers to your selected faith better than propaganda and tiny bibles. Seems likely. Doesn't it?

Speaking of religion and football, I've always been surprised when, in post-game chats with a sideline reporter, players thank God for the victory. Just once I'd love for the sideline reporter to ask the player what I'm always wondering, which is: do you honestly think God cares who wins a football game? And if God does care, why would he choose you to win as opposed to your counterpart on the other squad? But reporters never ask those questions. Instead, these ridiculous claims that God was on one side or the other in a football game goes unchecked. Baffling.

Speaking of religion and football, I have seen fans at games praying for their team to win (these tend to be female fans for some reason, maybe the level of inebriation is the key here, as most male fans are hammered drunk). Sometimes praying for the very team I was pulling for at the time (most likely a certain school located off High St in Columbus). And I always wanted to tell them that God, if he wasn't dead, would have slightly more important things on his mind than the outcome of a silly college football game. I feel pretty confident that I'm right about that.

An anonymous commenter simply left this note at the end of a recent post: Have you no shame? Now, I don't know if this was in reference to something specific I had no shame about or if it was an overall assertion that I generally have no shame. So, I'm left to speculate. I encourage the anonymous commenter to go into detail about this, as I have no issue taking criticism. I would be a hypocrite if I did. But, to give an overarching answer to the question - no, I have no shame. Absolutely none.

---->

Thoughts On I'm Still Here

I got another letter from the barackobama.com hacks yesterday. In this one, they were touting how effective the new health care debacle has been in only six months time. Pure distortion and no doubt gross exaggeration on their part. I was a little surprised they are hyping this up 6 weeks before the election. Nobody wants it. And the Democrat Party folks running for various congressional and senate seats aren't talking about it as some awesome accomplishment to entice undecided voters into making the terrible mistake of reelecting them. In fact, they seem to be making a calculated decision NOT to mention it. At all. It just goes to show, once again, as I mentioned in Monday's post, how out of touch these failures are with what's going on.

Speaking of clueless people, Brandon and I were out at some joint on Westridge last night watching his Thugs destroy Dave Wanntedt's mustache, and a guy at the bar said something very telling. There was a 4th down and 5 situation, and the guy said "They have one of the 3 options here, they can go for it, they can punt, or they could fake a punt." I told Brandon there was no point in saying a word to the idiot. People like that are hopeless. And I made an analogy to drive home my point. I told the kid, "It's like when someone tells you, with a straight face, that the stimulus bill worked. There's nothing to say to folks like that. They have lost all sense of reality." Brandon was laughing at that one.

I mentioned undecided voters earlier. Which reminds me of those telephone polls you see on local news shows. You know, a question like: Do you approve of douching in public places? And what I have always found fascinating about these local call in polls is that when they give the results at the end of the broadcast, it's like 70% yes, 23% no, 7% don't know. And for the life of me, I can't understand why people would go to the effort to dial in for a telephone poll and answer don't know. Wouldn't not calling in and expressing an opinion at all make more sense than dialing up the news station to express that you don't have an opinion on a important topic like douching in public? Why do they call and answer don't know? Why? It drives me to the brink of suicide. People - they're the worst.

I turned some work in yesterday. Stuff I've been writing up for the last few weeks. I won't go into details, confidentiality and whatnot. Anyway, when I finished up, I told them that I wrote the stuff up in the same style I write this blog. Somebody laughed...

I went to see I'm Still Here late yesterday afternoon. And I highly recommend it. It is genius. Almost no one will get it. But smart readers of this blog should. Back when the whole Joaquin Phoenix has gone crazy stuff was happening about 18 months ago, I never mentioned it on this blog. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I knew there was no way that it was real. I mean, you could tell there was something fishy about the whole going into rapping, looking like a bum, and retirement stuff. When I heard a few months ago that a movie was coming out about Phoenix's attempt to break into hip-hop, that's when I figured out that the whole thing is a huge hoax. And I was really looking forward to seeing the film. As I said, I'm Still Here does not disappoint. Joaquin Phoenix should win an Oscar for his portrayal of a fucked up, delusional version of himself. The rapping itself is so terrible, it's awesome. There's a scene where Phoenix performs at a club in Miami that is worth the price of admission. He's so terrible and the poor idiots in the audience are reacting to him in various ways. The scenes with Sean Combs are also brilliant. Watching Combs reaction when listening to a demo CD is funny as hell. Combs is great in this. Also, Ben Stiller comes by Phoenix's house at one point, ostensibly to offer him a part in some movie, and the conversation is awkwardly awesome. I won't ruin the stuff with Phoenix's assistants - you'll like Anton though, I promise. The whole thing would have to be unnerving if you thought it was real (as a number of movie reviewers did). But, if you watch it with the knowledge that it's all an elaborate hoax, I think you should come away with having experienced a spot on examination of the celebrity driven media culture in this country. As I've said many times on this silly blog, the fixation with celebrity and the media that cover the fixation are both ridiculous. In I'm Still Here, Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck (the kid directed the thing) make that point as well as anyone can make it. Brilliant. Yes, it's fake. But isn't much of life itself basically fake? And if you operate under that premise, then something fake can shine truths on life. Right? And this does.

Survivor Update - Geilfuss & I are still alive. And after lots of debate, we are taking the easy way out again with the Ravens. It is a division game, but Baltimore is off a loss and it is their home opener. We looked hard at Houston, but they might have some major issues slowing down the Dallas pass rush, that and the fact the Cowboys are desperate for a win. We're hoping that some guys go with Cincinnati and Minnesota - I think they both have a chance to get upset.

I have no time for write ups. But I could really stand to have a big week. I really could. Picks - College: BGSU, NW, Purdue, Wyo, Stanford, Temple, Oregon St, Utah. NFL: Ten, Det/Min Over, Car, Seattle, Denver, Arizona, NYJ.

I'd like to meet his tailor

A House That Stands With Barry Cannot Be Divided Against Itself, Or Can It?

I'm not gonna waste much time here this evening. But the photo above was sent to me by Greensboro's favorite bartender and Glenn Beck acolyte, Dave. I will not reveal the location that Dave found this funnier than hell sign sitting in an otherwise harmless window sill. I'm not sure how clear it will show up on cheap computer monitors. So, if you're having a hard time making it out, it says something like: This house stands with Barry ---- Vote 2010 ---- Democrat. Something like that anyway. I have a terrible attention span. What house would dare stand with old Barry in 2010? The House of Usher??? The House of Blues??? The House of Plantagenet??? The House of the Rising Sun??? The House of Mirth??? The International House of Pancakes??? Tyler Perry's House of Payne??? Oh wait, that stereotyping disgrace Tyler Perry might actually stand with Barry. Shit. I'll stop now.

Bye, Bye ----->

Omar Wins An Election

Our fatigued and clueless fake leader, one Barack Hussein Obama, held some town hall type deal earlier where regular folks had the opportunity to unload their frustrations with Barry on Barry. And from what I can gather, the regular folks took advantage of their opportunity. One woman ripped old Barry, telling him "I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted of defending you, ...defending the mantle for change I voted for, and deeply disappointed with where we are right now." I feel bad for this woman. Yes, she was gullible to ever buy the bullshit chope jive Barry was spinnng to voters back 2 years ago. But, it's too mean to mock this woman too much for falling for Barry's suave, half-brother, socialist charms. I give her a pass. As for Barry, what a clueless moron. I don't know what he expected when agreeing to this town hall type deal with regular folks. Did Barry really think these people would bow and weep and swoon like school girls do over Justin Bieber? Everything I've been saying the past 22 months is coming to pass. It really is. The best proof of Barry's delusional mindset right now is that he still insists that the measures he's put in place are working. Where has he been living? Oh, that's right, he's been off vacationing all summer. That or playing golf. What an oblivious, narcissistic loser. He's almost reached a Marie Antoinette level of cluelessness at this point.

Speaking of Barry's cluelessness, I got a message from Keith of Gettin The Crabs via the Faceshit recently. And Keith was very interested in my prediction on just how many seats the Democrat Party is gonna lose in the House. And based on all the evidence I can gather, coupled with Barry's utterly disastrous town hall type fiasco today, I'm thinking over 60 seats. These lackeys working in Barry's employ will wake up on November 3rd with a hangover worse than Tyson gets after a Ravens' loss (more on that later in the week). And let me assure you, that's not good.

Speaking of Barack Hussein Obama, his #2 guy, his key advisor on everything. The man with a constant medically aided raging boner, one Joe Biden of Delaware, was explaining how important he is to our failing, once great country. Joe said he was 2nd in line to the presidency. 2nd. Joe said he is 2nd. Did you read that right? Joe Biden thinks he's 2nd in line to the presidency. I guess my question for Joe and his medically induced raging hard-on is this: who is 1st line? Jonathan Liebowitz of Comedy Central fame? Jonathan Papplebon of Red Sox fame? Jonathan Taylor Thomas of Tool Time fame? Jonathan Edwards of 18th theology fame? My personal guess is Johnny Reid Edwards. If Teresa Heinz's girly husband had been elected in 2004, it might still be Johnny Reid Edwards. Although, it's possible that Americans might frown upon a vice-president knocking up a skank while his wife battles cancer. Isn't it?

Speaking of 2nd in line, I'll take a random porn actress over Joe Biden any day. Any of them. Seriously.

Speaking of Delaware, there is some crazy Tea Party woman who won their primary for Senator last week. And this woman has suddenly replaced Sarah Palin as public enemy #1 for the wackos in the Barry worshipping media. And this woman is a nut - a nut I remember seeing on Politically Incorrect with the guy who was politically incorrect before becoming totally politically correct, one Bill Maher. She was loony. Loonier than Arianna Huffington was (this was back when Arianna was a right-wing quack, before she switched to being a left-wing quack) on Maher's program. But the way the Barry in their poop chute media is attacking this loony lady is silly. In fact, I visited her website the other day. And if a donation from a far out crazed lunatic like myself wouldn't be frowned upon, I'd send her the dough that Barry and his socialist crew keep begging me for in their massive, spam-like email campaign.

They have the pregame on the ESPN right now and I'm gonna have to change it. Stuart Scott has gotten so bad, that I literally can't listen to him anymore, much less look at him. I think Scott's lazy eye deal has gotten worse. It's so bad, the one evil eye, the crooked one, seems to be looking completely to the side now. Maybe Hannah Storm is in Scott's peripheral vision - naked and shaved raw? At least that would be some excuse.

Speaking of shaved raw, I mentioned a week or so ago on this pointless, stupid, unreadable, self-delusional, narcissistic blog that Steve was contemplating shaving 4 Eyes raw (go back and read the post, it was like 10 days ago). Anyway, last Thursday at the Wing Joint on Battleground, that very topic came up. Steve was reluctant to agree to the assignment before him (the assignment being, if you were too lazy to go back and read the older post, to shave 4 Eyes beautiful pussy). Well, Derek came up with an idea to solve this problem. He suggested that everyone at the bar vote on who would have the important assignment to get with 4 Eyes and get her nice and cleanly shaved. Well, the results of the vote were very close. And I can report that Omar was the winner. The only problem was that Omar was not at the bar when the vote was taken. I broke the news to him last night during the atrocious Indy/G Men tilt. This may be a surprise to some, but Omar is reluctant to accept the outcome of the democratic process. In talking to Omar about the situation, I tried to describe the rules for voting. Everyone got 1 vote, except Laurie. Laurie got 2. Oh, and me. I voted as often as I felt necessary. My rationale for that was that I was best prepared to cast votes for people who should vote, but didn't happen to be in the bar at the moment. No one argued with me. They all know better. There's no reason to waste your breath when I'm going to argue something completely ludicrous using sheer lunacy posing as logic. I'm excellent at it. Ask Andy. The funny thing about the conversation I had with Omar is that once I convinced him that I did not vote for him (and I didn't), I did break the sacred secrecy of the ballot box and admitted who I voted for. And here, for the record, revealed to all, are the people I cast votes for in the Shave 4 Eye's Beautiful Pussy Election 2010: 1) Grandma 2) Scheyer's My Heart 3) Barack Hussein Obama 4) Big Chris and 5) the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

I had a bad Sunday on the NFL. I'm rolling with the Under tonight.

He was lookin' for a place called Lee Ho Fook's

I'm pointing that way - to the right, always to the right----->

Blah, Blah, Blah - Football Picks

I just got a text from Geilfuss. He's at the O's/Yankees game at Camden Yards. Anyway, Geilfuss informed me that the people running the ballpark just set off fireworks after A-Rod hit a homer. I texted Geilfuss back and told him to demand his money back. That is ridiculous.

Real quick - to the anonymous commenter who informed me in a recent comment that the NY Post has been referring to Big Ben as Genital Ben, thank you. I laughed when I read that. And was a little jealous I hadn't come up with the moniker first.

Another recent commenter informed me that the redheaded member of the Dream Team from Get Bent Lounge infamy is currently in rehab in N Dakota. Now, anyone who has read this blog back from the beginning should recall the sordid stories of my, and Geilfuss' for that matter, interaction with the Dream Team. They all involved being blinding drunk and fending them off, admittedly, to varying degrees of success. Anyway, the redheaded Dream Teamer had a very big coke habit for as long as I knew her. And I hope she gets her shit together. Because for all my mocking of her, Vicki (the redhead in question) is a good girl at heart. A good girl who makes really poor decisions. Also of note, is that Vicki is the only Dream Teamer with even half a brain. She actually graduated college. When she finishes rehab, Vicki should never go back to the town Elaine Benes is from again. She should move somewhere that no one knows her and get a fresh start - not in the Gate City mind you. But anywhere else.

Survivor update - after much debate and back and forth, Geilfuss and I are gonna roll with the Cheese this Sunday. We hate taking the same team as all the idiots in Survivor, but this week we're gonna bite down hard and do it. I'd considered SD strongly, but I could see a scenario where the Jags have a lead in the 4th quarter of that game. I also considered Denver, but that defense is so banged up and that coach is still such a terrible egomaniac, that we stayed off them as well.

Games of note Saturday -

1) Ga Tech/UNC (-2) - I like the Heels. They have revenge on their mind. Everyone is doubting them and they're at home against a Tech offense that looks like a work in progress right now.

2) ECU/Va Tech (-20) - Big bounce back for the Gobblers. I like them to get the cover. What I'm really liking about this bet is that the public is betting the Pirates and Vegas is not dropping the number, instead they are raising it.

3) ASU/Wisconsin (-12) - I like the Badgers here. Early start time hurts the Devils and the Badger running game should thrive.

4) USC/Minny (+11) - Huge game for the Gophers. I like them to get the cover and would not be surprised if they got the outright win. USC should not be double digit road favorites right now against anybody.

5) BYU/FSU (-10) Take the Noles. Bounce back theory in play again. That and the Mormons have serious quarterback issues right now/ I'm looking for a 3 to 4 TD Noles victory.

I am interrupting this post (it's 8:29 Friday night) to go and meet Greensboro's favorite bartender, Dave, for a beer. He just called and he's already shit-faced. Be back later...This is always interesting...

Okay, it's 12:41 now & I'm shit-faced....shocking...

Sunday bets - take Baltimore, Miami, New England, Tennessee, G-Men

I'm drunk...tomorrow night take Wyoming +24 against Boise.

Bye, bye - I am hammered.

Topaz

Dave Makes $47.50

Lots to get to here - but first: I was walking down a hallway. I saw a thin man walking towards me in the hallway. He informed me that he needed some toilet paper for his soiled ass crack. I looked down and noticed that his beige pants were around his ankles. Then I noticed his white briefs were around his ankles. Then I noticed his tiny pinkish erection. I kept walking.

Lots of wild results last weekend in the NFL. I am happy to report that my big NFL bet of the week on the Lions did indeed hit. And I'll be honest, I was a little worried when Matthew Stafford left the game and the mediocre Shaun Hill came on for Detroit. The Lion defense got the job done in stopping that 2 point conversion attempt. That and forcing multiple Bear turnovers, not to mention that goal line stand. Steelers also came through and won outright. I had to bet Pittsburgh because they are so rarely home dogs and I always like to take a team the 1st week after a starting QB is out. Not the 2nd week so much though. Overall, 3 wins (add in GB), 1 loss (Niners embarrassed themselves), and 1 push (Jake Delhomme embarrassed himself, again) on Sunday. Monday was a little disappointing, as I split with the totals bets on those games. I'd bet that over again in Bal/NYJ in a heartbeat. I got the turnovers I was expecting, just not the big TD's that directly or indirectly generally follow from big turnovers.

Speaking of gambling, Dave, Greensboro's best bartender and Glenn Beck flunkie, actually made some dough on Sunday. Dave really struggled back during NBA playoff time because the nights he chose to bet my picks, he was playing 3 and 4 team parlays and taking underdogs on the money line. In other words, he wasn't winning. Well, Saturday night I gave Dave very explicit instructions on how to bet the 5 picks for Sunday Ticket. I said, "Dave, pick a dollar amount. Bet the Lions that amount. Bet each of the other 4 for exactly half that amount. And if you wanna throw a parlay out there and hope I go 5-0, then cool." Well, Dave is a smart guy. He can follow instructions. And the kid was up $47.50. Of course, I reminded him Monday that if the amount he'd picked had been 500 instead of 50, he'd be pocketing a very nice $475.

Survivor update - Geilfuss and I did indeed survive with the Patsies last week, as they crushed Cincinnati. And if the officials had not overturned the TD that Charles Johnson scored at the end of the Lions/Bears tilt, tons of guys would have been sweating out seeing if Jay Cutler could get a score up on the board with about 30 seconds on the clock.Geilfuss informed me that 22 guys got knocked out when the Chiefs beat the Bolts Monday night. Unless it's the end of the season and options are all poor, don't take a road team in Survivor. Also, never get involved with a division game in Survivor - again, unless it's the end of the season and options are bad. Geilfuss & I are still going back and forth via text about this week's Survivor pick. We haven't totally made up our mind. But, I will tell everyone this: if you're considering any other teams than GB or SD (and I am considering one other), you are either an idiot or looking at things way out of the mainstream (as I am, although I am undoubtedly an idiot as well).

Still haven't hit a big bet bet in college this season. I'm 0 for 2 on top choices there. But there's a game Saturday at 8 that I really, really love. I'll just say for now that it involves a huge home underdog, one that most moron gamblers wouldn't consider touching. But I will. I might have to convince Brandon for a minute to bet it, but once I do, he will. He's a smart kid. He knows I like home dogs in certain situations. And I have a track record.

Speaking of Barack Hussein Obama, ...oh wait, I wasn't...he sent me an email the other day through his Obama Fucks America Internet scam deal. And he wants money. Barry told me that if I give as little as 5 bucks, some generous donor will match it!!! Yeah!!! Barry didn't say exactly who would match it. But someone will. Some kid somewhere will give 5 bucks of his hard earned allowance money to Barry if I give 5 bucks of my never hard earned paycheck. That's a sweet deal there. Unfortunately, I won't be giving Barry and his Internet lackeys 5 bucks so some poor old Grannie in crotchless grannie panties can match it. The reason is that I don't want Barry to win. In fact, I don't want either party to win. I'm pulling for the Mormons...no wait,...I did that Saturday and the Cougars screwed me...I guess I really am pulling for no one.

I mentioned Dave earlier, and sure enough, there's another movie he can't quit hyping up for later in the month. It's a sequel to Wall Street. Now, I saw Wall Street in the theater in late December 1987 with my girlfriend at that time, Amy Teske (I've written a number of posts over the past 22 months that mention Amy). Anyway, what I remember about Wall Street was that I enjoyed it quite a bit (it's dated now, and when I watched it earlier this year for about 20 minutes, found it silly), but what I really remember about that experience in the theater in late December 1987 is that I had a very hard time paying attention to the movie. Our hormones were raging. You gotta give us a pass there. I was barely 17 & Amy wasn't quite 17. What else could you expect? Really...

Skyscrapers are blinking

Brandon Hits A 6 Teamer

Note - From left - Brandon, TBFH, Omar, and Kate (Rasta server chick from Wing Joint on Battleground). Of particular note is that I am wearing Kate's awesomely cheesy blue shades while she is wearing mine. Also of note is that Brandon is wearing his Thug U cap just hours after the baby Thugs were annihilated by TOSU. Lastly of note, this photo was taken by Greensboro's favorite bartender and Glenn Beck disciple, Dave. And yes, you can tell I'd been drinking for a number of hours, because I'm actually touching people.

Real quick here this morning, as Sunday Ticket is approaching rapidly. I did want to be sure to put up a post to commemorate something that happened yesterday, something that is rarer than Chris Berman uttering something original (He could... go... all... the... STOP IT!). Speaking of NFL Countdown, I just checked, and yes, Tom Jackson's lips are still huge. Getting back to the momentous occasion from yesterday, it is this - Brandon hit a 6 Teamer last night. That's right, a 6 team parlay. For those of you unaware, a 6 teamer pays 40 to 1. For the record, the kid had Oregon -12 over Rocky Top, Bama -13 over Joe Paterno, Tex A&M -19 over La Tech, Tex Tech -24 over N Mex, SDSU -13 over NMSU, and Nevada -23 over Colorado State. What's amazing is that all the teams were double digit favorites. What's more amazing is that 3 of them were double digit ROAD favorites. You can go broke fast betting a bunch of big favorites. But a 6 team parlay is a low risk/high reward bet. And when they hit, watch out. Congratulations to Brandon. I'm not sure how many guys around the country hit a 6 teamer yesterday, but I'm guessing it was very few.

Our universe expanding

Steve Contemplates Shaving 4 Eyes

Our nifty fake leader, one Barack Hussein Obama, came out of hiding today and went ahead and lowered himself by taking questions from mere mortals, or as they are better known, his worshippers from various "news" outlets. I didn't see the thing. But, the occasion does bring to mind the fact that I haven't posted an edition of If I Could Ask Barry in way too long. So, without further ado, it might go something like this -

Barry - You! Damn brother! I thought you were a goner for sure at this point. The last report I had on you indicated that you were in a Turkish prison over in that country, uhm..., Turkey. How'd you ever escape their swarthy clutches?

TBFH - Nice to see you too, sir. I was in an overseas prison. That's true. And I'll just say this - my ass is still sore. And it still seeps. But, I did manage to escape by disguising myself and jumping a train out of the country.

Barry - What the hell? What did you disguise yourself as?

TBFH - Well, I went to the prison drug dealer, had him smuggle me a handful of Viagra into the joint, took all them, got a massive erection, and told a drunk and smelly guard I was Joe Biden. Then I ran like hell.

Barry - I always knew you were too clever for your own good, my young protege. As long as you're here, you got any questions for me?

TBFH - As a matter of fact, I was curious about why you spent your birthday all by your lonesome? I mean the only other person who I'm sure spends his birthday by himself, is me.

Barry - Excellent question, my friend. The truth is that my friends and family are pretty pissed at me here lately. All the jive that I've been telling everyone has caught up to me. I'm less popular than Jimmy Carter. And as punishment, my wife, and all my buddies made me stay home alone on my birthday.

TBFH - How'd you pass the time, sir?

Barry - Well it involved potted meat, 40's, and listening to Molly Hatchet at deafening levels.

TBFH - I'm down. But was there any lube involved?

Barry - That's a little personal, young man. But, yeah. I was stroking it pretty constantly with some of that new KY Glide.

TBFH - Cool. You watch any movies while using the lube?

Barry - Some flick with Jessica Biel. She gets me so damn horny. That ass. Damn, brother! That ass!!! I really recommend the lube by the way. It felt very sleek on my boner. Who hear me? You feel me?

TBFH - Not exactly, no. Hey, I was also curious about the love you threw in W's direction a few weeks ago. What was that about? I bet your supporters weren't pleased with that.

Barry - Well, I probably shouldn't have done that. But the truth is that after 20 months in this job, I've come to realize that I was way too idealistic, and to be frank, delusional, about how this job would go. And in thinking about that I realized that President Bush did a way better job than I ever gave him credit for. But, as I said, I shouldn't have gone public with my thoughts there. I'm even deeper into my wife's doghouse.

TBFH - Gotcha. I appreciated your candor.

Barry - That's the problem right there, my young padawan. When I start uttering thoughts that a crazed nut job like you agrees with, then I'm really stepping in it.

TBFH - No doubt. Well hang in there dude. I'm gonna get going.

Barry - Where you runnin off to now, young brother?

TBFH - Probably to a Quickie Mart. You've put me just in the mood for some 40's of St. Ides and 4 or 5 tins of pig tripe.

Barry - Hey, can I join you? I'm pretty lonely.

TBFH - No thanks, sir. If you're seen getting hammered-ass drunk with me, you're finished.

Barry - I guess you're right there, kid.

TBFH - I'm out.

I was out last night for a bit. And it was okay. I was a little agitated with the fact that Miss St doesn't have a QB who can throw the damn football. And with the fact that Ryan Longwell couldn't make an extra point (the line went to +5 - so I did get a push). Anyway, eventually I ended up at the Wing Joint on Battleground at about 11:30. Steve & Derek were out as well. For those of you who don't know Steve, he's been struggling with the ladies lately. He's pretty desperate. He's even been hallucinating about a hot neighbor of his knocking on his door at 3 AM wearing crotchless panties and shaved raw. So, as I said, the kid has been having a tough go of it with the babes. To that end, Dave, Derek, and I have been on the lookout for a possible love connection for Steve. And by on the lookout, I mean that any time we're out and some nasty looking skank is around, I suggest Steve buy her a shot. He doesn't always appreciate my help. Well, last night, I was suggesting that Steve consider approaching one of the servers at the Wing Joint on Battleground. This particular server used to strip at a place in Burlington. And she doesn't really have the body you'd expect a successful stripper would have. By that I mean, she has no body. And she's ugly. And she wears glasses. I call her 4 Eyes. Well, Steve was beginning to feel his beers a bit around midnight. And then he responded to my mocking 4 Eyes appearance by saying, "I bet she has a beautiful pussy." Derek fell over laughing. Dave fell over laughing. And I enjoyed Steve's comment quite a bit. Then Derek got me a napkin and pen and requested I write a love note to 4 Eyes for Steve. I obliged. The note said: Dear 4 Eyes, I yearn for your beautiful pussy tragically & I want to take you home and shave it raw. Love, Steve. I handed the napkin to Derek but he never passed it on to 4 Eyes. Which was just as well. The reason it was just as well is because on Thursday night at the Wing joint on Battleground the septic system quit working. There was literally a 6 foot radius of shit out in the parking lot that had come up through 3 manholes. It wasn't pleasing to smell. And I told Steve, "Well, Steve. It's just as well that you don't shave 4 Eyes' beautiful pussy. I bet it smells worse than that huge mess of shit that was in the parking lot last night." Then Dave spit out the glass of water he was drinking behind the bar. Derek spit out his Mich Ultra. Steve said, "That is so wrong." I got up, and you guessed it, walked out to smoke.

Here real quickly, as promised, are my picks for the huge football weekend ahead.

College -Memphis +13 over ECU, FAU +28 over Mich St, Iowa St +14 over Iowa, FSU +7 over Oklahoma, BYU +1 over Air Force (Top Pick for Saturday), Texas A&M -19 over La Tech, Nevada -23 over Colorado St

NFL - These are in order of how much I like the bet - Detroit +6&1/2 over Chicago, Pittsburgh +2 over Atlanta, Cle +3 over City of Tampa. And throw in GB and SF if you want 4 o'clock action. Totals to bet, again in order of how much I like them - Bal/NYJ Over 36, SD/KC Under 44&1/2.

For survivor, and I probably shouldn't give this out because Gielfuss might not like me advertising our pick, take the Patsies. It's a super tough week for Survivor. I'm guessing quite a healthy % of guys might go down week 1.

Some hills are never seen

Look ----->

A Quran Burns In Gainesville

Very big news this week out of the part of the world some folks call The Swamp - Gainesville, Florida. Some nutty douche minister and his flock of northern Florida freaks have decided to burn copies of the Quran. Now, why this crew of morons would want to do this is unclear to me. I'm guessing they think they're making some kind of political statement against Islamic jihadists and blah, blah, blah. Of course this idiotic decision to burn the Quran is only trumped by the pitiful media's rush to hype this event as evil or ignorant or galling or whatever. If no one had paid this band of zealous outcasts any mind and let them have their stupid Quran burning party in obscurity, who would have cared? Not me. But now, thanks to this overblown and probably phony outrage towards the North Florida nutcases, this flock of kooks is getting super famous and feeling emboldened and relevant in the national discourse. It's typical media silliness. The key thing about this Quran burning rally is the timing of it. Not the 9/11 aspect of the timing. The 6 to 9 o'clock timing of the rally is the real key. You see, the Florida Gators are playing the USF Bulls on Saturday at 12:20. And as much as this weird sect of quacks might want to burn the Quran, they want to watch their Gators even more. If the Quran burning party had been scheduled for early afternoon, no one would have gone. I guarantee it. I'm sure their irrational love of the Gators trumps their irrational hatred of the Quran. In fact, many folks (including Angie Jolie) have been pleading with this church crowd to call off the whole deal. And that's not gonna happen, UNLESS one man comes forward to tell these losers to cancel the thing. That man is, you guessed it, one Tim Tebow. I'm sure these people love Tebow more than they hate Islam or love baby Jesus. Only you can save us from having to hear about this for another week or 2 Tebow. We look to you Tim. Help.

I got another email from the psychotic brain trust over at mybarackobama.com earlier today. This missive was sent by a dude named Dave Plouffe - I have no idea how high up the guy is in Barry's hierarchy of lackeys. Anyway, Dave's message came across loud and clear to me - the Democrat Party is getting desperate. They were begging me to click a link and donate 5 measly bucks to stem the tide of Republican steam. And this will shock all of you, but I didn't donate. If these folks are soliciting $5 donations in mass emails less than 2 months before the elections, they know they are in bad shape. The Democrats are gonna get crucified. At least they seem to be sending the signal they expect to get crucified. Because a $5 donation from me or some other lonely Internet buddy/worshipper of Barry isn't gonna do anything except make me or my fellow Obama Fucks America friends $5 poorer. Someone needs to tell this Dave Plouffe that his letter reeks of a certain panic about how bad off these Democrat operatives know things are going for their messiah, Barack Hussein Obama.

The other interesting thing I noticed about Dave Plouffe's email was that when you do click the link to give the guy your 5 bucks, he asks you a series of questions about yourself while shaking you down. One of them is your occupation. And I have no idea why they'd need to ask the occupation of a $5 donor to this group of leftist losers. Shouldn't the occupation line be filled in the same for every contributor? Wouldn't the occupation always be unemployed and unemployable???

Big football weekend coming up here. And I'm gonna find time to get picks up here the next couple days. But if I don't post tomorrow, take the Vikes and the 4&1/2. And in college take Miss State. One of my favorite bets is on a home college dog on a national ESPN Thursday game. It seems to hit over and over. School pride and all that silliness.

Don't be sad

You're a world class fad

Grandma Works The Bar

I got a text from Geilfuss Saturday afternoon. He was in some bar in Canton and a number of idiot college football fans were going on about how much harder college football players try than NFL guys do. And there really isn't anything you can say to folks like that. Delusional people are gonna keep being delusional, no matter what. It's best to just let them live in their fantasy worlds. And start drinking heavily. That always helps.

I was out at the Wing Joint on Battleground last night. They've hired a new server (they go through servers faster than Nancy Pelosi goes through dildos). And this server is a little different than the average stupid 20ish skanks who work at the place for 2 or 3 nights before quitting. This server is a little more aged. I started calling her Grandma. Grandma has red hair and quite a worn-looking face, no doubt from hitting the crystal meth pipe daily for the last couple decades. Well, I was a little bored and asked one of the other servers (a Rasta chick named Kate) for a pen. I grabbed some napkins and started composing love letters to Grandma on them. The first one said: Dear Granny, I yearn for you tragically. Love 4ever, _____. Now, I'm a shy person by nature. So I was nervous about how to pass this note along to Grandma. I asked Greensboro's favorite bartender, Dave, to slip it to her when he got a chance. Alas, once Dave read my heartfelt plea to Grandma, he refused to be the conduit for a possible love match between Grandma and myself. I was undeterred. I penned another note. This one said: I find you to be a very lovely woman. I showed this note to Dave and for some reason he started laughing uncontrollably. I said, "Dave, don't mock my attempt to show my earnest feelings for Grandma." For some reason my comment made Dave laugh even harder. Well, a few hours passed and I'd all but given up on getting Grandma's attention, much less a piece of her fire red, extremely hairy bush. But then my luck changed. Dave cut her for the night. And Grandma sat down at the bar. Then I told Dave to buy Grandma a shot on me. That's when things went haywire. When informed of my offer, Grandma came down to an open seat next to me at the bar, and hoisted her ragged ass up on the bar stool. She introduced herself (I paid no attention to her real name). Then she spent 5 tedious minutes deciding what kind of shot to order. Dave kept making suggestions and Grandma kept saying "No honey. I ain't been able to drink no Bacardi since the 70's." Stuff like that. Finally, Grandma ordered 2 pecker heads (it had Southern Comfort and tasted like Kool Aid if anyone cares). So, Grandma and I downed the pecker heads. Then she started talking to me. And I quickly fell out of love with Grandma. Nothing Grandma said was remotely enticing. It was the opposite of enticing. The moment I lost all interest in an amorous tryst with Grandma was when she told me about how much she wanted to get out of her bra. I said, "Why?" Grandma said, "Honey, I never done did like wearin bras and at my age I just want em to hang free." I said, "Well, that's reasonable Grandma. But does it ever hurt when, as you slip your bra off, your saggy tits plummet and your nipples immediately smack down onto your knees?" Grandma evidently found this amusing, because she said, "I believe I'm gonna like you, honey." I got up pretty fast and went out to smoke.

Brandon & I are through with Playas. Go back and read some of the posts from last football season about the freaks and idiots we dealt with in there on Saturdays and Sundays. To that end, we needed to find a new place for College Gameplan. And I think we have. We went downtown Saturday to a joint called RumbleForeskins. And everything was fine for the most part. The bartender was helpful and friendly. All the games we wanted to see were on. My only issue was with this woman watching the App St game. This woman was loud. If anyone doesn't know, App came from 21 down in the 4th quarter to win over some team from Tennessee. And this crazy middle-aged woman was making orgasm-esque noises after every big play for the Mountaineers. Stuff like - "Yesss, yessss, yessssss!" & "Ohhh, ohhhhh, Uuhmmmmm, yessssssss!" It was a little annoying. I noticed this this orgasm sounding middle-aged lady App fan was drinking wine. And it looked like half a bottle was poured into the glass - literally. And I guess nothing describes middle-aged female App fans better than copious amounts of wine, screaming loudly like Meg Ryan in that unwatchably unrealistic movie with Billy Crystal, and making degenerate gamblers uncomfortable in the process.

I had the opportunity to see a film last week called Orphan. It came out last year, I think. Anyway, it was watchable - stupid, but vaguely entertaining. Whatever. The key with this film is that there is a big shocking ending. I won't ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it. But, I will say it was totally unrealistic. Still, it's worth checking out. If you're bored and it's on, it beats reruns of Roseanne or Home Improvement or anything currently an ABC.

Some leftist nut took people hostage last week to try and get TLC to quit airing shows about families with slews of offspring. I've never seen the shows this guy found so offensive. I'm sure they're terrible. What's interesting is that this nutty guy was inspired by one Albert Arnold Gore - you remember, the guy who refuses to pay for happy ending massages. I'm not clear on how watching alarmist propaganda like Albert Arnold Gore makes could inspire someone to take hostages at a bad cable TV channel. But, I'm sure Al is very proud nonetheless. He's been talking about how drastic action is needed to stop the horrible global warming problem. And Al's pleading has worked with this crazy TLC hating kid. I'm sure that it worked. Because if you noticed, it got about 15 degrees cooler over the weekend. Unbelievable! To know that crazed followers of Albert Arnold Gore can lower temperatures that quickly by simply taking a few folks hostage at a shitty cable network is really something. My suggestion is that Al have his worshippers target Ion next. Then Hallmark. Then CMT. Then Headline News. Before you know it, global warming will not be a problem. The problem will be global cooling...

Here are my impressions of what I saw watching the college football the past few days -

1) I was impressed most with Michigan. They moved the ball on the ground like WVU used to do under Rodriguez. And they played good defense. We'll see if they can keep it up.

2) The most impressive player I saw was Daniel Thomas of K State. He beat up the Bruins on the ground, to the tune of 230 some yards and, more importantly, a huge cover clinching TD with a minute left. Thank you, Daniel.

3) Colorado State's QB, one Pete Thomas, is I'm guessing a great kid, but he throws like a girl. Pitiful.

4) The SEC should be very proud. Florida looked pathetic against one of the worst teams in the MAC last year. Somehow, Houston Nutt and the Ole Miss Rebels managed to lose to Jacksonville State. At home. And LSU and U of M alum Les Miles tried desperately to hand Carolina a win. Of course, Butch Davis is too proud to take such a gift. He's very manly that way.

5) Andy Dalton might be having issues with his girlfriend. The kid, who you gotta like, threw 2 terrible picks against the Beavers. Dalton was fine other than that. But I needed one more score to get the cover on the Horned Frogs. The D certainly did enough, other than a few long pass plays, they were solid as ever.

6) USC is gonna struggle. They gave up almost 600 yards to Hawaii. And this is not the June Jones & Colt Brennen Warriors. I'm tempted to start going against the Trojans every week, at least for awhile.

7) Oklahoma gave up 421 yards to Utah St. That should never happen. I can tell you today, without having checked the lines, that I'm gonna bet on the Noles against the Sooners next week.

8) Overall, all these games where D1 teams play D1-AA teams is tiresome. The NCAA should ban these games. They won't because of the easy wins (except Ole Miss...) and the guaranteed payouts to 1-AA schools. Still, it's silly. And unwatchable.

Comic books, the Bible, road maps, pornography

Anything you wanna read

Over there ----->