Genital Ben Hits The Can

Our fake leader, one Barack Hussein Obama, travelled a great distance the other night to deliver some address about the state of a union. I didn't watch, obviously (TOSU was busy burying Purdue at the time). The only thing of note about this union address is that our awesome members of Congress decided to make it a "date night" of sorts. Evidently John Boner and Mitch McConnell mandated that members pair up for the evening with a potential sex partner from the opposite party. Which is a weird way to govern, but this is the new GOP, so...I did a little research into these "date night" pairings and was surprised at how much butt love must have gone down in the nation's capitol. I guess a shortage of ladies in Congress is to blame for this anal carnage debacle. I do wonder who Barney Frank's date for the night was though. Because at least with Mr Frank you'd have had a partner with deep knowledge of the dark world that is the anal arts. It's certainly something to consider. Personally, I'd have chosen that senator from NY, and no, not Chuck Schumer. The chick senator. I bet she was asked by dozens of dudes. It looks like my man John Thume was lucky enough to have bagged Ms Gillibrand. And Thume deserves it. He was the guy who ran Tom Daschle out of DC. After Ms Gillibrand the pickings were slim. There is a chick from Tennessee who would have sufficed. And if worse came to worse, Michelle Bachman would have been my safety pick. She's a straight up freak. And if you get down that way, well...more power to you. Not saying I do, but...

The Super Bowl is just over a week away. My famous yearly post with my pick will be up next Friday or Saturday. If you'd have read and followed my advice the past 2 years, you'd have gone 3-0. As in 2009 I touted the Cards and they covered. And last year I hyped the Saints and the Under. Both hit. I'm cooking up something special as always. I may call it An Ode To Cheese. We'll see. Genital Ben and his Steelers have made it back to the big game. And I for one am getting sick of these holier-than-thou folks ripping Genital Ben. Let me say for the record, right now, that Genital Ben is definitely one of the top 5 QB's in history to be accused of multiple rapes. No one can take that away from Genital Ben. When Genital Ben is working in close quarters, a public men's room say, he is tough to beat. I mean he will beat it, yes, of course Genital Ben will beat it in a men's room. But he commands a certain respect for his public restroom exploits. And his acumen on a motorcycle too. I just wonder if he's ever sexually assaulted a skanky coed while tooling around the Georgia countryside without a helmet. And by helmet I mean a condom. Not a bike helmet. Genital Ben is too cool for those. To all the fake Steeler fans around the country - support your QB. Do not make excuses for Genital Ben. Just tell Packer fans that if they have a problem with Genital Ben that "We can take this into the restroom and settle it like Ben would." That would show the real class of Steeler Nation. And yes, I'm talking about Fat Adam and his ilk. Not my friend Jeff. He's from Pittsburgh; so he's good on being down with the Steelers. And also about the nicest guy you'll come across in the whole world. Remember, back when I was in the ER in 2009 and thought I might be dying, Jeff raced to the hospital after performing a surgery at another hospital to be sure I was going to be okay. That's all you need to know about the guy.

I got a comment recently on this pitiful blog that mentioned only "jimmer fucking fredette." Not sure who left it. But the key for this blog is that we were all way ahead of the curve on Jimmer. I hyped Jimmer up before he went off for 43 against the Aztecs - prescient as always. It's funny because the ESPN hype-machine doesn't know how to deal with Jimmer. They don't broadcast Mountain West games. As I said last month, if Fredette played in the Big East or the ACC, the kid would be ESPN's poster boy. Jimmer has gone off for 40-plus in 3 of his last 4 games. Shades of Pistol Pete at his best with the LSU Tigers. I implore all readers of this blog to tune in the next 2 months every time Jimmer and the Cougars are on Mountain Network or CBS College Sports Network. It's riveting. As to the commenter mentioned above, I have a feeling it may have been Geilfuss. And not only because Geilfuss has an unhealthy fixation on Jimmer, but more because no capital letters were used in the comment. That's very Geilfuss.

Speaking of Geilfuss, we're only about 9 weeks away from opening day for the O's. And I wanna caution Geilfuss and all the other O's fans as always - Keep expectations low.

I've mentioned that I've been toiling in Durham this month for work (I've shown up 20 damn days over there so far). And I'm not gonna rip Durham. At least not today. But it is worth noting that some of the men who also show up over there to put in some hours have bathroom etiquette issues. I wrote a whole post about this problem last year. And I saw more of that this past week. Specifically, I saw a 60-something year old dude walk out of the men's room on the 1st floor (it's a 3 story facility) and zip up his fly in the hallway. Then redo his belt after that. It's bad enough when old timers zip up as they turn away from the urinal en route to the sink. But this man's actions were beyond the pale. He skipped the sink completely and zipped up in the hallway. Did I mention he zipped up in the HALLWAY? I thought about giving this old timer a pass because I figured maybe Genital Ben was in the men's room assaulting a nasty Duke coed. But that seems unlikely. Even Genital Ben would stay away from Duke chicks. I mean Genital Ben's not that much of a sociopath. Is he???

I mentioned in my last post of 2010 that I was gonna be laying low in the new year. And I have been. Which is fine. Whatever. But the thing about it is that I have eschewed my normal diet of bar food as a result. I haven't had wings all month for example. Instead I've been subsisting on a diet of frozen foods from the Food Slug. I've never really eaten them before this month. And there's a reason why I haven't. The reason is that frozen foods are terrible. Hot Pockets for instance, these patented crisper sleeves - what the fuck??? The cheese in the Hot Pocket inevitably oozes all over the patented sleeve. It's gross. And the things taste like cardboard. Hell, I might as well eat the patented sleeve itself as opposed to the nasty Hot Pocket. I've also purchased some Hungry Man meals. The "meat" in these things leave me craving actual meat. Some of the other products aren't as terrible. But I don't know how people live on this kind of crap. My "favorite" is the Banquet chicken pot pie. I've been eating like 4 of those a week. It's still gross, but at least there are vegetables in the thing. Or something approximating vegetables anyway.

In my last post I mentioned the MSNBC. And that's a dead story. Blah, blah, blah. But I did want to note a nugget of information I unearthed about the MSNBC. It's the 28th ranked cable channel. 28th. I always suspected that the only folks who watch are die hard lefties and folks like me who tune in from time to time to mock it. However, I had no idea they were 28th. Wow. I mean the MSNBS has to be behind cable outlets like TRU TV and Spike and WE and Telemundo.

Oscar nominations are out and Mrs Warren Beatty snagged one. And I know I've said this time and again on this shitty and pointless blog, but Mrs Warren Beatty is mind-numbingly hot. And that's the fucking truth.

I put my hand upon the lever said let it rock and let it roll

I had the one arm bandit fever there was an arrow through my heart and my soul