A Balding Kid Gets Hitched

The tired and silly NFL Entry Draft is upon us once more. I barely watched the 1st round proceedings last night, only occasionally flipping by the ESPN hype-machine to see what teams had drafted what players. As always, I'm amazed at NFL fans' passion for the picks their respective teams make. NFL fans, by and large, do not follow college football too closely (beyond the glamour schools that are on TV virtually every week). The very players many fans get so passionate about during draft time are guys they've never seen play a down. It's very odd. And a waste of time and energy. Wait 2 or 3 years and then you can get a read on how well your team did drafting in a particular year. Having said all that, I do watch 13 hours of college football every Saturday in the fall. And I have seen most of the drafted guys play extensively. As such, I have thoughts on a few of the selections. Von Miller was awesome the past few years. I would be surprised if he wasn't an all-pro within a few years. He should have the biggest impact of anyone taken last night. Patrick Peterson will also be an all-pro. I would have taken him 2nd right after Miller. Prince Amukamara is a potential game changer. Of the offensive players drafted early, AJ Green has the talent to make big play after big play & Julio Jones is electric when he gets the ball in his hands. But receivers are hit and miss. They should both hit, but you just don't know. As far as the QBs taken, I wouldn't have used a high pick on any of the 4. They are projects and their success will largely depend on how they are handled the next few years. There is no John Elway or Troy Aikman in this group. It's impossible to predict how Cam Newton will turn out. He played one year in a tricked-up high school offense. My guess is Cam will be a constant source of frustration for Panther fans for the next 5 years. The expectations are too high. Blaine Gabbert is also hard to get a read on. Mizzu runs the spread and he never looked super accurate to me. Your guess is as good as mine on him. Jake Locker is a bad pocket passer. He's also deadly rolling out. And rolling out in the NFL consistently will get you hurt. Good luck, Titans. As for Christian Ponder, I like the guy. But he's injury prone and a big gamble for the Vikings. Of the QBs left, readers of this blog will not be surprised to learn that I like Colin Kaepernick a lot. Of course I liked Danny Lefevor the most last year and he spent the season holding a clipboard in Cincinnati. So, ??? Going back to my original thought on this, it's a crap shoot. Who knows until they start OTAs (if they ever do this year) and eventually get in game situations? Nobody.





I saw where there was a big pointless wedding over in London earlier today. Some balding kid married some Katie Holmes clone. And people are gaga over this holy union for some reason. I have no idea why. I do wonder if my man Prince Harry attended this affair in the SS uniform he breaks out for fancy dress balls and whatnot. I also wonder if that nasty stepmom Camilla brushed her repulsive teeth. And lastly I wonder what the blushing bride's outfit might entail for the big supposed deflowering that will go down tonight. Something tasteful I'm sure. Crotchless too. Tasteful and crotchless. That would get the balding kid in the mood. Or at least one would assume it would...





My man Barry has been having a terrible time of it lately. I think his epic failure is becoming a reality to all but the most loony lefties. Here's how bad it has gotten for Barry - Donald Trump forced him into releasing his birth certificate. Donald Trump - a man with a terrible comb-over. Donald Trump - a man who trades in wives like most men trade in cars. Donald Trump - a man who presides over one of the most mind-numbingly stupid "reality" shows in the history of broadcasting. This has to be the lowest point for an American president since William Jefferson Blythe had news of his crooked penis revealed in the Starr Report. What was Barry thinking in cowering to Donald Trump??? How pitiful and embarrassing.





As far as the loons who think Barry wasn't born in Hawaii on August 4th, 1961 - this will only fuel their hatred for him. Once you give into kooks, they feel more emboldened. Nothing will appease these nuts. Barry has really stepped in it, yet again. Look for these Trump-led crazies to hound Barry over more and more side issues that only add to the problems he's currently facing. Namely, massive anger over his socialized medicine deal that will not go away, gas prices climbing with no end in sight, a wife as clueless as Marie Antoinette, regular middle-American folks scared to death of a double-dip recession, and the fact that Joe Biden might want to run again as Vice President. Barry has it bad...





Speaking of Trump, there has been massive speculation that he wants to run for president. I can't take this seriously. I'm guessing Trump merely wants publicity for his awful "reality" show - a show that featured Gary Busey acting like Gary Busey up until a few weeks ago. If Trump does indeed throw his weird hair into the ring here soon (I give it a 20% chance of actually happening), it will be entertaining for awhile. And then Trump will flame out and go away. Or at least we hope he'll flame out and go away. Let me say this, if there is a presidential election where the only viable choices are Barack Hussein Obama and Donald Trump, I don't know why anyone would bother to show up to vote. I don't vote anyway. So it won't bother me. But serious folks who do vote will be beside themselves deciding what to do. It won't come to that. Will it??? Could it??? Please, no...





One of the interesting things about the Trump family is that his current wife (some Eurotrash babe) is only like 7 years older than his oldest child. That is creepy...

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Jesus Died So I Could Wear A Smelly Bunny Costume

I was standing outside of the place I occasionally show up to work, minding my own business and chain smoking, when this frumpy silver-haired gal started talking about something called the "sexbox." She was appalled that her daughter was considering buying her grandson a "sexbox" for his birthday. My ears perked up for once. After 45 seconds of this old bag's "sexbox" talk, I weighed in on the topic with unsolicited advice. I told her that I thought her daughter was enlightened. A "sexbox" would be a terrific thing for her grandson to have around the house. He could practice various sexual maneuvers to his heart's content. Really, it's a wonderful, and dare I say, progressive idea. I did have one question about this "sexbox" however. I asked this granny if her daughter was just buying the "sexbox" by the hour or purchasing one outright. I continued with this thought - "If she's looking into buying a 'sexbox' to have handy for her son for the foreseeable future, then that's a big expense. The daughter would have to feed and clothe the 'sexbox,' which is an enormous investment. Not to mention the initial price. Do you have any idea how much this 'sexbox' goes for?" The hard-looking co-worker of mine said, "About $200, I think." I said, "Wow! You can't beat that. I figured a live "sexbox" would set her back at least 20 grand. And if she is ordering this "sexbox" through the mail, then the postage costs alone would be exorbitant. I mean that's the biggest problem with mail-order brides, isn't it? The damn postage on them." Someone laughed. An ugly bystander explained to the old lady that perhaps she meant that her daughter was buying a video game system called an Xbox and not a "sexbox." I told this bystander, "You're ruining my fun." And the bystander did indeed ruin my fun. Damn bystanders.

Today is Easter. I don't recall blogging about Easter in past posts (and I'm too lazy to sift back through the archives of this blog to check). But I will today. I have nothing better to do than monitor the NBA Playoffs at the moment.

First, Easter is something I've never quite been able to wrap my mind around. When I was a kid someone told me that it had to do with the son of God rising from the dead. I laughed at that. It struck me as amusing. But the person who told me wasn't kidding. I ran away from that person. Unfortunately, I ran into another person who believed that Easter was about the son of God rising from the dead. I was patient and heard that person out (I believe I was 7 at the time). After this dude got through telling me all about the Easter story and whatnot, I was still very perplexed. I had some questions. I wanted to know about these Pharisees for one thing. They didn't strike me as particularly fair, you see. Get it??? I kill myself. This Pontius Pirate fellow. Did he have a peg leg? That kid Judas, why was he kissing another man? That's weird. The cock crowing 3 times, that's a lot of cock crow flying about. This Mary Magdalene, was she a looker? Or just a hooker? And the whole bit with Barabas was confusing. Then there's the climax of the whole deal when the son of God rises from the dead, somehow moves a big boulder, and walks out of his tomb. Why didn't he go looking for tail? I mean that's quite a feat. If Geilfuss rose from the dead, you can be damn sure he'd be down at some bar in Canton telling the tale to any skank within earshot. It's 33 years later and I still have questions about this whole Easter story. The same questions mostly. Only now I look like a huge asshole for raising them. Back then I just came off as a 7 year-old wise-ass punk. Those were good days. Not really, but who cares???

I remember several occasions when I spent some time on Easter running around a gravelly, weed infested yard searching for eggs. That was always pointless. Nothing says "Thanks for rising from the dead Jesus!" more than a rotten, slightly hard-boiled egg hastily hidden among biomedical waste.

The other thing about Easter that I wonder about is all the changing the date every year. Don't they have an exact date they can use? I mean Christmas is always the same day every year and that happened before this crucifixion deal...I just googled this issue and found out it has something to do with a vernal equinox. Which is fine. Whatever. I do find it interesting that both crucifixion and equinox contain the letter "x." Maybe there is a conspiracy afoot involving Exene Cervanka, the drug ecstasy, and Jenna Jameson films? It's something to consider, that's for sure.

My favorite thing about Easter is not the candy, the rising of the dead of the son of God, or the dubious prevalence of the letter x everywhere. No, it's the Easter bunny. I've mentioned before on this pointless blog that I played the Easter bunny in a Christmas play at the now long since defunct Northland Academy. But I also played the Easter bunny one time for a group of kids at an Easter egg hunt. I was probably 16 or 17 at the time. I remember getting into a big dispute with the lady running the Easter egg hunt over whether the Easter bunny talked or not. Turns out this woman was pretty adamant that he didn't. I wanted to slip in some bunny talk to the tykes from time to time. But I was nice. And silent. I stood there and posed for photos with hundreds of little kids for like an hour. The main thing I remember about that experience is that the bunny costume smelled foul. It reeked of barf and b.o. Or what Elaine Benes called b.b.o. Beyond body odor...

What, do you think I'm hard of smelling?

Sorry for the lack of posts here lately. Between work and NBA Playoffs, it's hard to find the time.

Hop, hop, hop.

Undercover? Yes. Boss? No.

Another Masters is in the books. And if media hype is any indication, you'd be under the impression that The Tiger won the tournament. For the record, The Tiger finished 4 strokes back in a tie for 4th. He tied for 4th last year as well. I'm not sure how you can define that as appreciable progress. But no one is talking about Charl Schwartzel. You know, the kid who won the thing. Very odd. But typical.

I was flipping by the 11 o'clock news on Saturday night and during their sports segment WXII here in Greensboro had a graphic with the Augusta leaderboard. On the graphic, there was someone named Charles Schwartzler listed at 8 under through the 3rd round. I laughed.

While I'm thinking about it, I got a chance to see Get Low the other day. This film came out in 2009 and flew way under the radar. Which is a damn shame. It is really good. Robert Duval plays a guy in 1938 Tennessee who throws his own funeral (for reasons I won't give away). It is by far Duval's best acting. He is riveting. Bill Murray pops up in the thing as well. Whoever was supposed to market Get Low back when it was released really dropped the ball. Everyone should see it. It's that good.

Brandon left a note via the Faceshit that one of the kids he and his Dad have hired to help them out with their landscaping business called out from work yesterday. I can only figure the kid is a huge fan of The Tiger and was so distraught at Sunday's last 10 holes for The Tiger that he couldn't possibly face the world Monday morning. That or he was super upset that my favorite Frenchmen, one Clint Bowyer, lost yet another NASCAR race. Or maybe the kid had gone on a bender and didn't feel like spreading pine needles hungover. All are distinct possibilities.

Yet another interesting and surreal conversation at the place I occasionally show up to work happened a few hours ago. I was standing in the break room (as usual - I am almost never at my actual work area...) and some woman I don't know very well asked me if I was working there taping an episode of Undercover Boss. I don't think she was completely joking. I said, "Not that I'm aware of, no." I started to think about it a bit and decided that an episode of Undercover Boss featuring me would be entertaining in a way. The only problem with the premise is that I'm not the boss. That and the fact that CBS viewers would have no idea what the hell I was talking about. None. The only part of the show that would be believable is the undercover part. I'm deep, deep, deep undercover around there. No question about that.

Speaking of the place I occasionally show up to work, there is a Lebanese kid working over there who goes by the name Handini. He has a website where you can watch videos of the kid performing famous tunes by making noises with his hands. It's hysterical. Hysterically awful. Here's the address - http://www.handini.com/ - you won't be disappointed. My personal favorite song he performs is the 1812 Overture. I have to warn you that you might die of laughter from checking out Handini's site. He has coffee mugs and T Shirts for sale. There's also a blog on there. I wouldn't read a word of it though. Trust me...

I've been seeing constant ads for a new Scream movie recently. And I think - Really?

Blah, blah, blah...

A Boner Grows In DC

I just got through watching the ESPN special on the 1986 Masters. I should have known it would have the unmistakable ESPN hype-machine taint to it. They decided to include comments from The Tiger and Rick Reilly in the thing. The Tiger's comments were silly and self-serving. Useless. And Reilly is an unwatchable pompous bore - as always. Only ESPN could ruin a special about the greatest moment in golf history. No one should be too surprised though. It's what they do.

As far as this year's tournament, I will be watching closely this weekend. Cross your fingers...if you believe in that kind of stuff.

Speaking of the Masters, I heard a caller yesterday on some sports radio show compare Rory Mcilroy to Roy McAvoy of Tin Cup infamy. I almost crashed the car laughing at the idiocy of the caller. He was really under the impression that Tin Cup was a documentary. What's even more amazing is that the hosts of the program took the caller seriously. Sports talk radio - it's the worst.

Speaking of Kevin Costner movies, I was speaking to someone recently who swore up and down that Dragonfly was a great movie. Again, I almost died of laughter. Dragonfly is terrible. Awful. Pure crap.

Well, it looks like my dream of a government shutdown didn't quite come true. It's a damn shame too. You can hardly blame John Boner though. He got a Mormon and an alleged Muslim to blink. It's pretty telling that Barry bent over backwards to acquiesce to Boner. I don't pretend to know all the details of this deal, but if it makes Barry look bad with his lefty pals and the Tea Party loons hate it, then it's probably a good deal. Kudos to Boner. He's doing way better than I thought he might. Now if Boner could get Paul Ryan's ideas into law, then we'd be really getting somewhere. Don't hold your breath...

I heard an interesting comment the other day at the place I occasionally show up to work. I was sitting in a training type session, bored out of my mind, when a woman thanked me for clarifying some issue for her. I said, "Oh, you're welcome. No problem." What I wanted to say was, "What sarcastic comment that I casually threw out could you have possibly mistaken for solid work advice?" I have no idea. Maybe the one where I went off on a 2 minute tangential non sequitur about Forrest Gump's merits as a shrimp mogul??? Or the one where I kept saying "could be" over and over??? Or when I insisted that the coffee was laced with Ajax??? And I was slowly being poisoned to death as a result??? Baffling.

I'll get up a real post here at some point. Easter is coming and I do like bunnies, so...

Chalk Dirty To Me

Am I the only person who refers to Albacore Tuna as Albert Gore Tuna???

The big hoops tourney has mercifully come to a close. Believe it or not, I endured the whole excruciating game the other night between UConn & Butler. Folks are saying the game set basketball back about 60 years. And it was ugly. But I give both teams a pass. Neither of them have many skilled shooters (Walker & Lamb being slight exceptions). So the putrid nature of the shooting should not come as too much of a surprise. If anything, I gained even more appreciation for the Bulldogs. To do what they have the past 2 years on little more than guts and heart (with the exception of Hayward last year) is really something.

The other reason I wasn't too surprised at what went down Monday night is based on what we witnessed Saturday. Brandon & I were at Wing Joint for the Final 4 and about 5 minutes into the VCU/Butler game I commented to Brandon that there was something really odd about the rims. The ball was careening off them really weird. I compared the rims there in Reliant Stadium to amusement park rims. The ball was spinning out of the hole consistently. No shooters bounces at all. It was difficult to watch. But it did lead to an easy bet on the Under for both the late game Saturday between UConn & UK and again Monday evening. Laughably easy bets.

Now we wait a week and a half and get NBA playoffs. I for one am really looking forward to it.

I've heard that our phony, pathetic leaders in Washington are threatening to shut down the government if some budget impasse is not resolved this week. I'm a little hesitant to get my hopes up about a shutdown actually happening. But even one day of no federal government is a dream come true. Let's hope a shutdown continues for months and months. That would be awesome.

I haven't posted here lately. I ran into a regular reader of this blog at the place I occasionally show up to work the other day and he was wondering if I just wanted to stick it to Duke, as the last post celebrated their early exit from the hoops tourney. And the answer to that is no. It's more of a coincidence than anything else. I've been busy with other things. I'll try and do better moving forward.

I did watch Inception last week. Or tried to anyway. After about 40 minutes I had to stop it. I was half in the bag and couldn't follow it at all. I'm gonna make another run at it again soon. I just remember the girl from Juno popping up. And Leo was in there as well. That's all I got out of it.

I got a comment recently on this blog about the resemblance between yours truly and the star of Meet Bill. I haven't seen the film. But I know it stars Aaron Eckhart (2 Face from that Dark Knight deal). There is some similarity between the 2 of us. It was only the 2nd or 3rd time someone had noted the resemblance. Mostly, as I've noted before, I get compared to Dennis Quaid. It's happened hundreds of times. Literally. Other times Richard Gere and Patrick Swayze have been thrown out. And recently someone said I resemble Edward Burns. I'm not sure how accurate any of these comparisons are. But it's something worth thinking about. I guess it makes for interesting idle bar chatter among drunk women. I have no idea...

Gotta run