I was standing outside of the place I occasionally show up to work, minding my own business and chain smoking, when this frumpy silver-haired gal started talking about something called the "sexbox." She was appalled that her daughter was considering buying her grandson a "sexbox" for his birthday. My ears perked up for once. After 45 seconds of this old bag's "sexbox" talk, I weighed in on the topic with unsolicited advice. I told her that I thought her daughter was enlightened. A "sexbox" would be a terrific thing for her grandson to have around the house. He could practice various sexual maneuvers to his heart's content. Really, it's a wonderful, and dare I say, progressive idea. I did have one question about this "sexbox" however. I asked this granny if her daughter was just buying the "sexbox" by the hour or purchasing one outright. I continued with this thought - "If she's looking into buying a 'sexbox' to have handy for her son for the foreseeable future, then that's a big expense. The daughter would have to feed and clothe the 'sexbox,' which is an enormous investment. Not to mention the initial price. Do you have any idea how much this 'sexbox' goes for?" The hard-looking co-worker of mine said, "About $200, I think." I said, "Wow! You can't beat that. I figured a live "sexbox" would set her back at least 20 grand. And if she is ordering this "sexbox" through the mail, then the postage costs alone would be exorbitant. I mean that's the biggest problem with mail-order brides, isn't it? The damn postage on them." Someone laughed. An ugly bystander explained to the old lady that perhaps she meant that her daughter was buying a video game system called an Xbox and not a "sexbox." I told this bystander, "You're ruining my fun." And the bystander did indeed ruin my fun. Damn bystanders.
Today is Easter. I don't recall blogging about Easter in past posts (and I'm too lazy to sift back through the archives of this blog to check). But I will today. I have nothing better to do than monitor the NBA Playoffs at the moment.
First, Easter is something I've never quite been able to wrap my mind around. When I was a kid someone told me that it had to do with the son of God rising from the dead. I laughed at that. It struck me as amusing. But the person who told me wasn't kidding. I ran away from that person. Unfortunately, I ran into another person who believed that Easter was about the son of God rising from the dead. I was patient and heard that person out (I believe I was 7 at the time). After this dude got through telling me all about the Easter story and whatnot, I was still very perplexed. I had some questions. I wanted to know about these Pharisees for one thing. They didn't strike me as particularly fair, you see. Get it??? I kill myself. This Pontius Pirate fellow. Did he have a peg leg? That kid Judas, why was he kissing another man? That's weird. The cock crowing 3 times, that's a lot of cock crow flying about. This Mary Magdalene, was she a looker? Or just a hooker? And the whole bit with Barabas was confusing. Then there's the climax of the whole deal when the son of God rises from the dead, somehow moves a big boulder, and walks out of his tomb. Why didn't he go looking for tail? I mean that's quite a feat. If Geilfuss rose from the dead, you can be damn sure he'd be down at some bar in Canton telling the tale to any skank within earshot. It's 33 years later and I still have questions about this whole Easter story. The same questions mostly. Only now I look like a huge asshole for raising them. Back then I just came off as a 7 year-old wise-ass punk. Those were good days. Not really, but who cares???
I remember several occasions when I spent some time on Easter running around a gravelly, weed infested yard searching for eggs. That was always pointless. Nothing says "Thanks for rising from the dead Jesus!" more than a rotten, slightly hard-boiled egg hastily hidden among biomedical waste.
The other thing about Easter that I wonder about is all the changing the date every year. Don't they have an exact date they can use? I mean Christmas is always the same day every year and that happened before this crucifixion deal...I just googled this issue and found out it has something to do with a vernal equinox. Which is fine. Whatever. I do find it interesting that both crucifixion and equinox contain the letter "x." Maybe there is a conspiracy afoot involving Exene Cervanka, the drug ecstasy, and Jenna Jameson films? It's something to consider, that's for sure.
My favorite thing about Easter is not the candy, the rising of the dead of the son of God, or the dubious prevalence of the letter x everywhere. No, it's the Easter bunny. I've mentioned before on this pointless blog that I played the Easter bunny in a Christmas play at the now long since defunct Northland Academy. But I also played the Easter bunny one time for a group of kids at an Easter egg hunt. I was probably 16 or 17 at the time. I remember getting into a big dispute with the lady running the Easter egg hunt over whether the Easter bunny talked or not. Turns out this woman was pretty adamant that he didn't. I wanted to slip in some bunny talk to the tykes from time to time. But I was nice. And silent. I stood there and posed for photos with hundreds of little kids for like an hour. The main thing I remember about that experience is that the bunny costume smelled foul. It reeked of barf and b.o. Or what Elaine Benes called b.b.o. Beyond body odor...
What, do you think I'm hard of smelling?
Sorry for the lack of posts here lately. Between work and NBA Playoffs, it's hard to find the time.
Hop, hop, hop.
No comments:
Post a Comment