A Helpful Guide To The 2011 Greensboro City Council Races

I have done some research into the challengers running for Greensboro City Council - tedious research, I might add. And what I found out is that you'd be hard pressed to ever imagine a group of more pitiful folks running for public office anywhere in the known world. Even in Kabul. Or even in Durham. It's a little sad. Anyway, I'm not thrilled about what I'm about to write, but as a service to potential Gate City voters, here you go:

At-Large Candidates -

Wayne Abraham - Wayne is one of those typical do-gooder lefties. You know the type - all power to the people and other worn out slogans from 45 years ago. I unearthed a couple of telling things about Wayne. One, he is into holistic care for citizens with health issues. That's right, Wayne is a new-age capitalist. He owns some shady business that tries to pressure sick people into ignoring what medical experts tell them, and by golly, treat the mind and blah, blah, blah. Wayne also was chair of some deal called the Human Relations Committee. Last I checked, human relations was a euphemism for sexual stuff. The fact Wayne chaired such a vital committee speaks to his overall competence in leading the Gate City into a golden era of good sex (possibly including orgies out in front of City Hall each Friday evening). No thanks...

Marikay Abuzuaiter - I may be spelling this strange woman's name incorrectly. It smacks of being Mongolian in origin. Nothing against Mongolians per se, I'm down with ladies from Ulan Bator as much as the next guy. Marikay is a noted restaurant owner here in town. She runs some joint called Mahi's way up on Lawndale, in an otherwise deserted strip mall. Two things stand out about Ms Abuzuaiter. 1) She likes to use the word stench. At a recent public forum, she spoke out against some trash dump here in town and must have used the word stench 50 times in 3 minutes. Seriously. That's the kind of vocabulary I can appreciate. Stench, stench, stench. Maybe I'll drop in Mahi's (it's only about a minute drive from the place I occasionally crash) and give this possibly Mongolian woman a thesaurus. 2) Her eyes. Marikay has the great distinction of not just having one crazy eye that goes off in an odd direction. She has two of them. It's very distracting. It appears to me that both eyes look inward towards her nose at all times. I have no idea how Marikay has a license to drive. But that's not important. It's the crazy eyes that might draw voters of certain proclivities to her.

Deborah Brogden - One of my favorites. Deb shot at a man back in the late 90's. She didn't hit him or anything. He was okay and all. Apparently what happened was Deb got canned from some teaching job in or near Salisbury, NC and sought out a little old west style justice on the man responsible. As I said, Deb missed. So, if you're looking to vote for an expert marksman, Deb is not your girl. Other than the shooting at a man business, I couldn't get any information on old Deb. She's a mystery. It's like she's putting no effort into winning this at-large race at all. Of course when she inevitably loses, the victors need to watch out. Deb might come at them with a .38 caliber handgun...

Jean Brown - The most fascinating thing about Ms Brown is that when listing her education on one of the candidate questionnaires I looked at, she wrote this gem, "Attended summer school." I'm not making that up. That's the extent of her education. She attended summer school. She never claimed to have passed any classes in summer school. She did attend summer school though. And that is impressive on some level. I mean, it was summer and she could have been at the pool with her friends knocking back wine coolers and eyeing beefy speedo-wearing dudes; but no, not Jean. She was attending summer school instead. Impressive...

Clarence Easter - Almost nothing could be found about Clarence. I thought that he was possibly an angel from a Frank Capra movie...Alas, that is not the case. The only nugget of info I gleaned about Clarence was that he supports something called Superjam at the Greensboro Coliseum. I have no idea how this might garner Clarence votes. I have no idea what Superjam is for that matter. What an odd issue to run for office on...

Cyndy Hayworth - First, you should never trust a woman with 2 y's in her 1st name. Obviously. However, Ms Hayworth does have a website promoting her candidacy and she runs Junior Achievement here in town. I found the part about Cyndy with 2 y's running JA to be very interesting. Why? Because on one of the questionnaire deals she filled out, Cyndy listed her education level as attending 2 different community colleges. Not much of an achievement. Junior or otherwise.

Hayden J Jesserer - Jesserer is a 25 year-old kid who sells pharmaceuticals - legally sells pharmaceuticals. His claim to fame is working for Heath Shuler on Shuler's congressional bid a few years back. And that is telling. Anytime you can help one of the biggest busts in Washington Redskins' history get elected to anything, you are doing something right. Remember, Shuler was the #3 pick in the 1994 NFL Draft. He then proceeded to go 8-14 as a starter and toss 33 interceptions in his brief bust of a career. Based on the fact Jesserer got Shuler to Capitol Hill, he's someone to really look out for in politics. He's a comer.

Chris Lawyer - I have nothing bad to say about Lawyer. Reading his website, he seems like a completely normal, reasonable guy. In other words, he has no chance.

Sal Leone - Here is a direct quote that Mr Leone gave to one of the questions asked by the News & Record website. I'm not making this up. Here it is: "The city council needs to be aware that big companies known what is going on with the council. I do not think that a company wants to bring its company and jobs when we as a city look really childish on TV when fights occur." I have nothing to add to that. But, I do wonder if companies will be wanting to bring its companies and jobs to Greensboro when they known how childish Mr Leone's grammar be...

Christopher N McLaughlin - Another stealth candidate. I couldn't find out a damn thing about him.

Marlando Pridgen - Yet one more stealth candidate. I like his name though. It makes you wonder what his mom was thinking when she spelled his name Marlando. Maybe she's a fan of Marlon Brando and tried to combine letters from his first and last name into some homage to the dead actor??? Or maybe she's a fan of Marlon Wayans and likes his do??? Either is a distinct possibility...

Other than a former mayor who is running. - some poor balding woman named Yvonne Johnson, that's it for the at-large challengers. You can vote for 3 in the primary. I don't vote. And this awful slate of candidates is yet another testament to why. If you do waste the time and energy to vote in the upcoming primary, I'd go with Mr Lawyer & one of the incumbents, Danny Thompson. I wouldn't waste a vote on a third person. Maybe the chick who shot the guy who canned her, purely for the comedic value...

Onto the district races-

District 1: T Diane Bellamy Small vs DJ Hardy - I know nothing about Hardy & I sure as hell don't live anywhere near District 1, but he should absolutely get every vote in this race. He won't. But he should. As I've said before on this blog, there is nothing small about T Diane Bellamy Small. That and the fact she continuously shows her ass during council meetings should foretell impending doom for her reelection bid. But she'll win. She always does. It's a little depressing...

Distrct 2: Jim Kee vs Dan Fischer & C Bradley Hunt - This will be another landslide. Neither Fischer nor Hunt are making any effort at getting any votes. I don't live anywhere near District 2 either. So I could care less. But at least Mr Kee puts on a suit for council meetings and tends to smile for the cameras - which is a lot more than I can say for his cohort Ms Small from District 1. The only thing to note in this race is the name of one of Mr Kee's challengers, C Bradley Hunt. I don't know if this is a real person or some hoax. Whichever it is, I have no interest in seeing C Bradley Hunt hunt...Unless he's hunting cougars at some bar on N Garden. That might be amusing for 2 or 3 minutes.

District 3: Zack Matheny vs Jay Ovittore - This is my district and my man Zack will win. The dude running against him is some pathetic hippie musician. Mr Ovittore has zero chance. My only issue with Zack is that it appears he spends way too much time putting product on his hair...

District 4: Mary Rakestraw vs Tony Collins & Nancy Huffman - Mr Collins describes himself as a manager. A manager of what, I have no clue. He seems like a reasonable enough guy. You gotta wonder why he'd go after Ms Rakestraw. She's kind of crazy, but she votes the same way Mr Collins would. It's a little baffling. As for Ms Huffman, her name would indicate an addiction to sniffing paint. Now, I have no idea how she self medicates. And it isn't any of my business. If you read her statements, Ms Huffman strikes you as a typical Greensboro white liberal burdened by guilt over issues long since settled in any reasonable mind. In fact, based on her views, I'm highly surprised I've never ran across Ms Huffman at the place I occasionally show up to work. There's a million of them just like her. You know, well-intentioned but terribly misguided...

District 5: Trudy Wade vs David Crawford & Jorge Cornell - I'll get to Mr Cornell in a moment. He is awesome. Here, Dr Wade is basically running unopposed. I never figured out what she's a doctor of exactly. But that doesn't matter. Trudy reminds me of many ladies here in the Gate City. But unlike Ms Huffman, Dr Wade is your typical take-no-bullshit, strong, southern woman. You may not like her, but you shouldn't mess with her. As for Mr Crawford, he put this photo of himself on some website where he's kneeling down on pavement in an ill-fitting t-shirt and what appears to be jean shorts. That's all you need to know about this loser. Jorge Cornell is a convicted felon, leader of some gang called the Latin Kings, and goes by the moniker King J. I'm not making any of this up. He hates Zack Matheny and Trudy Wade. He gets up during speakers from the floor time at council meetings and basically threatens the 2 of them (in a very thinly veiled way). He's a big dude. And leader of a gang (did I mention King J is the leader of a gang?). I can see how he'd scare the hell out of most people. That's why King J would be awesome on city council. It'll never happen, I realize that. But we can dream, can't we?

As for the mayoral race here in Greensboro, I'll preview that before the general election. The good news is that 3 Republicans will be running. The bad news is that the guy who is by far the worst of the 3 is very likely to win. In fact, I ran into the guy who is likely to be Greensboro's next mayor a few weeks ago at Sloppy Seconds just before Sunday Ticket kickoff. It was September 11th. When I recognized this shady Duke graduate and likely to be mayor, I started talking very loudly about Mohamed Atta, pork chops, and strippers. This candidate for mayor quickly paid his tab and raced out of the Sloppy Seconds. It was a victory for the little guy. At least for that one ephemeral moment...

The Jittery Falcon Fan

There is this kid who shows up from time to time at various bars around the Gate City for Sunday Ticket. A kid who, before yesterday, I'd only heard about. He's a Falcon fan. The stories that had been relayed to me from the past several years concerning this Falcon guy centered around him very nervously watching his team while acting like a little kid who needs to pee. You know, constant movement of the legs and feet. This Falcon fan also had a reputation for drinking cokes - no beer or booze. Well, yesterday I finally encountered this guy myself at the infamous Kickin Chicken. He was by himself at a high-top watching Atlanta/City of Tampa. And he did not disappoint. During the tense 2nd half of the game, this guy was rubbing his legs together the entire time. Or showing over-pained expressions on his face just about every play. Or standing up and shuffling his feet as Matty Ice dropped back to pass. This bizarre behavior went on all the way to the gun when Josh Freeman drew Atlanta offside to preserve a Buc victory. I was enjoying the show this Falcon fan put on immensely. In fact, I went over and spoke to him at a couple of key junctures. And I can report that the kid is crazy. If you ever see a middle-aged kid out for Sunday Ticket, wearing a #33 Turner jersey tightly tucked into his beltless jeans, jittery as all hell, making a pitiful spectacle of himself, with an expression on his face that screams "I really need to piss!," you too have encountered Crazy Falcon Man. He wasn't super happy with me; as I informed him I had a bet on City of Tampa -1&1/2. I won that bet. He told me he doesn't gamble. And that's a good thing. Because if he did gamble, he'd die of anxiety the first time the team he bet on went down 7.

Speaking of gambling, it was a bit of a mixed bag over the past weekend - which was a dramatic improvement over the previous week. BYU, OK St, City of Tampa, & Kansas City all came through like champions. The only bitter pill to swallow was the damn Cincinnati Bengals. Not only did they manage to lose outright in their home opener to a bad football team, but for the 2nd straight year Geilfuss & I got knocked out of Survivor rolling with them. I don't mind it too much personally. But I hate it for Geilfuss. I minded them not covering -3.

I've warned gamblers before on this blog about placing lots of exotic bets; namely parlays & teasers. They are sucker bets. If you wanna play a few for the hell of it, go right ahead. But I wouldn't lay too much out on them (like poor Legend did last week with his $1000 parlay that went bad thanks to San Diego's miscues in the red zone). Brandon has been playing some 2 and 3 team teasers here recently for some higher stakes and has had mixed results. If you do wanna dabble in the world of teasers, here are some very important things to keep in mind. 1) Keep key numbers in mind. When throwing out the 6 or 6 &1/2 point tease, try and take teams where you can move the line over as many key numbers as possible. For the uninitiated, the key numbers in the NFL are 3, 4, 6, 7, 10, 13, 14, 17, 20, & 21. For instance, yesterday the Bears were getting 4 &1/2 against the Cheese. You're already over 2 key numbers (3 & 4) right at the start. If you take them up 6 pts, you go to +10 &1/2 - crossing over 3 more key numbers (6, 7, & 10). That's a smart teaser bet right there. The Bears did end up losing by 10, but if you had them in a 6 pt tease, you got a win out of it anyway. 2) Conversely, try and stay away from teasing small favorites of 2 to 4 points. You are getting no value by making a 3 pt favorite a 3 point dog; as most often, if they win, it will be by more than 3 anyway, or if they lose it will be by more than 3 as well. You're better off just making a straight bet if you like a small favorite. 3) Don't throw teams in just for the hell of it, looking for a bigger payout. Gamblers are often tempted to bet 8, 9, 10 or more team teasers. These lose 99% of the time. You get nothing for going 14 & 1 on a 15-teamer. Just yesterday, I threw out a silly 8-teamer myself. Everything hit on the 1 o'clock action. 3 of 4 hit on the late games. I still won nothing thanks to the Rams stinking it up and getting blown out at home by 30 points. Granted, it was a $7 bet to win & $100 - no big deal, but I might as well have gone 0 & 8 on the damn thing. 4) Don't make 2 or 3 team teasers your top bet of the day. I realize this is very tempting at times. Just yesterday, Brandon threw out a 2 teamer on Brady & Vick. He teased down both favorites to under a FG. Not a bad thought, I'll grant you. But any time 2 things have to happen to win a bet, that's dicey territory right there. If you like 2 teams a lot on a given Sunday, bet them both straight up. If you go 1 & 1, so be it. You're out the damn juice. And that's where I think so many guys get easily seduced by the parlay or teaser. They don't pay any juice unless it's on a 2 team tease. They love the idea of sticking it to the book without risking that pesky 10% on straight bets. It's fool's gold - always has been, always will be.

I was gonna delve into the world of the NFL's placekickers here today. But that's gonna have to wait for later in the week. That & I got a special post brewing about nuts running for the Greensboro City Council I want to get done by the end of the week, as the primary is quickly approaching.

What Really Constitutes Having A Blessed Day

In the previous stupid post on this continuously stupid blog, I mentioned some bum telling me to have a "blessed day." Well, yesterday that same phrase came up once again, only this time instead of telling me to have a "blessed day," some woman at a Quickie Mart on Wendover asked me if I was having a "blessed day." I told her this, "I am, thanks. In fact the last day that went this well for me was the day I learned Teddy Kennedy died." Alas, she didn't laugh...

I got an interesting couple of comments after the last post. They centered around the big TOSU/Thug U tilt last Saturday. I didn't say anything about it, because there wasn't much to say about it. The QB play for TOSU was beyond an abomination. It was bad Sun Belt quality (think FAU since Rusty Smith went to the Titans). Needless to say, old Luke Fickell, the real life inspiration for AC Slater, is in a real pickle at the moment. All Fickell can do from here on out is roll with Braxton Miller and hope he matures fairly quickly. We'll see...

Speaking of football, there are several huge games this weekend on the college front. The biggest game is in College Station, where the Aggies will play the Ok St Cowboys. It could be like a video game - up and down the field with lots of big plays. The Cowboys are getting 4 &1/2 and I'm taking the points. In other games of note, SDSU is travelling to Ann Arbor to face Michigan. I like the dog (+10 &1/2) there too. Look for BYU (-2) to bounce back tonight against UCF. UAB travels to Greenville, NC and yes, I'm taking the Over (62 &1/2). And finally, speaking of the aforementioned Buckeyes, I'm rolling with the Buffaloes getting 16 &1/2.

NFL Survivor Update - I haven't been keeping everyone posted this fall, but Geilfuss & I have survived the 1st 2 weeks with Arizona in week 1 and Pittsburgh in week 2. We're gonna roll with the Cincinnati Bengals this week. Yes, you read that correctly. The Niners are in a terrible spot; coming off their big overtime loss to Tony Romo, travelling to play in the eastern time zone at 10 am pacific time, and starting Alex Smith. The Bengals are a very safe pick to win this game going away. Many Survivor players will be rolling with Phil Rivers - I have no issue with that, other than I hate to pick a team involved in a division game.

I realize that this post is terribly boring. So, some of you may have noticed I put a little Google-powered search engine in the top right corner of this blog. It's kind of cool. What it allows you to do is type in some keyword or phrase and then you'll get a list of posts I've written over the past 34 months that contain whatever is typed. For instance, if you type in the word retard on the search deal, about 12 posts will pop up where I've delved into the whole seedy world of group homes, retard self-love, etc. There are a number of themes I've returned to many times on this ridiculous blog, things I'm fixated on. Those include: retards, Barack Hussein Obama, crotchless panties, Coach K, potted meat, Joe Biden's erections, 40's, gambling, Saved By The Bell, drinking, & an unhealthy fixation on Liz Phair, Winona Ryder, & Christina Applegate ...

Legend Buys Jager Bombs

I was standing outside the place I occasionally show up to work earlier today, minding my own business and smoking a cigarette, when some super-thin dude with a neck brace, walker, & from what I could discern 2 teeth, ambled by ever so slowly (probably owing to the walker he was using). Anyway, this gentleman spoke to me for a bit. The impetus for him stopping was to inquire if he could bum a smoke off me. And seeing as how he appeared to be a bum, I gave him a Marlboro Light (which he was very excited about for some reason - I'm guessing bums buy the off-brand smokes when they can scrounge up enough loose change). Well, this thin, crippled bum decided to stand around and chat a bit after I gave him the smoke. The conversation that ensued was quite enlightening. The first thing he told me of interest was that 4 years ago he died and as as result of being dead he got the opportunity to have a little talk with God. And he wanted me to be sure to know that God loves me and is looking out for me at all times. In fact, this smoke bumming bum relayed to me that God specifically wanted said bum to pass along this good news to me. I politely told him thanks and that it was very comforting to know that God loved me and all. During our exchange about God loving me I noticed that this bum/cripple had a name tattooed on his left arm. The name was David T. It appeared to be a prison tat, at least to my untrained eye. Well, at one juncture this cigarette smoking bum extended his hand and asked me my name. I told him "Jack." When they ask, I tell all bums and strange women I meet in bars my name is Jack. He informed me his name was David. I told him that I'd surmised that fact, what with the tat on his arm proclaiming to the world that he was David T. I then asked this bum what the T stood for in David T. It's then that I got even more interesting news than the news of God loving me. David, the neck brace wearing, 2 toothed bum, told me he made the tattoo himself when he was 14 because he got tired of telling girls his name all the time. Which seemed strange, but whatever. As far as the T part of the David T tat, he told me his last name did not in fact start with a T, but with a B. The reason it appeared to be a T is because he quit giving himself the tattoo without completing the B due to the fact his arm was really bloody. David the Bum had stopped tatting himself back in the day when the B looked like a T. I told David the Bum that he was really falsely presenting himself to folks he asks to bum smokes from by having the T there on his arm when his last name actually started with a B. He appeared to laugh. Since this David B as in Bum looked way older than 14 this morning, I asked him why he'd never had the tat fixed and made the T on his arm into a B; thus righting a long standing wrong. David B as in Bum then let me know that he was in his mid-50's and that in the last 40 years had never got around to having his tat fixed. And that made sense to me. What with bummy David being so busy the past 40 years with school, work, and no doubt raising a family in the suburbs, it stands to reason that he just never found the time to have that pesky T made into a B on his arm. At that point I had finished my smoke and headed toward the door to go back inside the place I occasionally show up to work to finish writing up something very meaningless. I told David B, the cripple, teeth deprived bum, that I'd see him around. He told me to have a "blessed day." And that was it. The thing is that I feel like I am having a blessed day. An incredibly blessed day, in fact. Very fucking blessed.

When last I left you I was headed out to the infamous Kickin Chicken to watch Sunday Ticket. Well, the Kickin Chicken lived up to its reputation. Brandon wasn't feeling so hot, so I managed on my own. And sure enough, within 10 minutes of sitting down at the bar I had struck up a conversation with a big kid to my right that called himself Legend. He was there with his buddy who called himself Closer. I never did figure out why these 2 guys went by Legend and Closer. And I sure as hell wasn't about to ask. Legend & I got to discussing the dark world of 11 to 10 for awhile. He was an amiable enough chap and I was more or less not hating conversing with him (as many of you know, I hate people - they're the worst). About an hour passed and Legend passes me a Jager Bomb. I drank it and said thanks. Well, what happened from that point until about 6 when I stumbled out of the bar, can only be described as surreal. Even for me. Legend and Closer were stopping every remotely cute girl who passed by the bar and bought whoever wanted one, a Jager Bomb. All harmless bar fun, I'll grant you that. The thing was that this Legend guy kept passing me a Jager Bomb whenever he bought a round for whatever babes he was hitting on at a particular moment. I probably had 7 of them over a 3 &1/2 hour period. Needless to say, I was feeling it. So was Legend. In fact, Legend was feeling it so much so, that right before 4 he asked me to throw out a 2-team parlay for him to bet. I told him SD & CIN were both excellent picks. Legend then goes online via his IPhone or whatever and proceeds to place a $1000 parlay on the Bengals and Bolts (which would have paid $2600, if anyone cares). I was a little startled at the amount of the bet. But Legend seemed to be having the time of his life, knocking back Jager Bomb after Jager Bomb and talking to random thin brunettes about how beautiful he found them. As close observers of Sunday Ticket are aware, the Chargers did not cover their end of the bargain. They moved the ball up and down the field but were hurt badly by several bone-headed errors. That's gambling. The Bengals held up their end of things, losing by only 2. I wasn't with Legend when San Diego failed to get the job done for us, but I feel kinda bad for the guy. I mean, that's a bold bet right there - a dime on a 2-teamer. I'm guessing I'll run into Legend and Closer again here some Sunday. Legend kept informing me that all he and Closer do is: "Drink shots and pull women." I can't vouch for how many women they pull, but I sure as hell can confirm that they drink the hell out of some shots. Damn...

At one point during Sunday Ticket I found myself outside smoking with one of the many girls that Legend and Closer were coming onto. This chick decided it was vital to keep telling me how fertile she was. And she was pleasant enough and everything, and not totally unfetching in a "I've had multiple shots of Jager on an empty stomach" kind of way. But, just a word to any ladies reading this who might be curious about how seductive men find it when you inform us, even while dead drunk at a bar, that you are very fertile. Zero is the answer...

On the gambling front, it was that rare perfect storm of a weekend when everything that could go wrong, did. I could rehash some terrible luck, especially in the Nevada/SJSU game, but I won't bore anyone with that. All I know to do is move forward.

I didn't watch the Emmy awards at all. But there is this show that basically swept the board in the comedy categories. It's called Modern Family. I've never seen it. I couldn't tell you for certain what night it airs or which network broadcasts it, to be honest. But I did notice that Al Bundy is in the thing. I don't think Bud or Kelly Bundy are in the cast. But I do wonder if they miss their dad. I mean, Al Bundy wasn't the Leave It In My Beaver type of father or anything. He was always at the tittie-flop bar in his free time. But I still think it's kind of uncool for Al to have moved on to another family entirely (modern or not). It's disturbing to me. And you always have to wonder what the hell happened to Jefferson after the show ended. Is he even still alive??? These are the kinds of things I worry about constantly. This kind of stuff keeps me up nights.

A Little Matricide In The Windy City

I got an email from an occasional reader of this silly blog, & attached to the email was a link to a story from the Huffing Paint Post. The story was about some psychopathic 33 year-old cat from Chicago who killed his mother because she refused to buy him tickets to an Avril Lavigne concert. In all honesty, I didn't read the article too closely. But I can imagine the particulars of the tale. It's as old as time itself. You know, some nut job who is socially pitiful, can't find any job that relates to his master's degree, balding, never been laid, hanging with his mom watching soft-core porn on the old Skinemax. That type of dude. Now, I don't pretend to know too much about Avril Lavigne. But she strikes me as just the type that wackos described above would latch onto in their sketchy little brains. She's cute enough, I guess. And she gives off that kind of phony edginess that men with an axe to grind find so fetching. I feel particularly bad for the mom in this instance. You know, what with her being dead and all as a result. I think Ms Lavigne will be just fine - she's got her millions. As far as the kid committing the matricide, I know dudes like him. I've supervised dudes like him. Hell, I may have actually supervised him at one point when I was doing some work up near Chicago in some place called Aurora, Illinois. It's not beyond the realm of possibility. And the thing about dudes like this matricide commiting freak is this - they work too slowly, are never in their seat on time, ask too many questions, and leer at too many ugly women. Other than that, they're awesome...

Gotta run for Sunday Ticket, & after taking the pipe yesterday, I will be pulling hard for the Bolts. If anyone is bored this afternoon, Brandon & I will be at the infamous Kickin Chicken; chain-smoking and mocking Jerome Booger. Obviously...

Gats in holsters, girls on shoulders

Yuuup!!!

Okay, 1st for the degenerates looking for college football picks - Mich St +5 (this line is laughable), Nevada -6 (the real Wolfpack will take out their frustration from getting killed in Eugene), Houston -7 (I'm rolling with Keenum as long as possible, the kid is awesome), Tulsa +13 &1/2 (huge game for the home team, and Ok St has Texas A&M next week). None of these games kick off until 3:30 today. For NFL picks, you're gonna have to wait to the end of this stupid post...

I just saw on Weather Channel that Giant African Snails have attacked Miami. The greater south Florida region is still reeling from what Tom Brady did to the area the other night against the Fins, and now these slimy and pesky Giant African Snails show up. You gotta feel for the overly tanned & aged folks of Dade & Broward counties. They can't catch a break. The thing I wonder about with these Giant African Snails is, what part of Africa did they migrate from??? My guess would be Gabon, obviously. Those Gabon snails are lethal. Fucking lethal. Also of note, at least to this observer, is that not only are Giant African Snails panicking the massively ethnic communities of south Florida, but TOSU is in town this weekend to play the baby Thugs. I'm not certain what you get when you cross a Giant African Snail with a buckeye nut, but I'm imaging it can't be too tasty. I mean, what kind of seasoning would need to be thrown into this concoction of Giant African Snails and buckeye nuts to make said concoction palatable??? The answer is most likely paprika. What the hell else could it be???

There's this song that's been running through my head this morning with the following lyrics - A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Now, I've never been too much into sugar. Nor have I ever been a particular fan of medicine. I know nothing about medicine. The part of the lyrics that interest me is the go down part. Anytime one of these dead lyricists threw in something about going down, it wasn't an all bad tune. As for what musical this go down song comes from, that I'm a little uncertain about. I think it may be the musical where that chick is a caregiver to a rowdy and restless group of Hitler youth. Or the musical where another chick is a caregiver to a gaggle of crooked toothed British brats. Either one. It doesn't matter. They both suck. Not the caregivers necessarily. Although on second thought, maybe the caregiver chicks in these musicals do indeed like to perform a little of the old fellatio on their wards from time to time. That would certainly fit with the whole go down aspect of the lyrics. I can't say for sure. But it's worth keeping in mind. That's the thing about Julie Andrews - maybe she's addicted to head. If so, it would explain her attraction to the roles in both of these musicals where some nanny type chick goes down all the time. Wouldn't it???

I got a text from Geilfuss the other day and he informed me that a caller to some sports radio station claimed that the reason the Steelers got blown out by the 20 and the rest of the Ravens last Sunday was because Pittsburgh got tired quickly due to wearing black uniforms. Black does absorb heat. That's a scientific fact. And that being the case, I feel like this enlightened Steeler fan was really on to something. In fact, I'm gonna start making bets against teams that wear black uniforms in warm weather games. Say, for instance, the Raiders, forced to wear black, play an away game in hell against Coach K, Al Gore, & Mohamed Atta; bet the damn home team. Hell, I'd lay up to 5 touchdowns in that scenario. For one, it's a little toasty down in hell. Two, Atta would reign fury down upon Jason Campbell from the outside rush spot. And 3, Coach K would sneak out into dead spots in the Raiders' secondary schemes from the slot for big play after big play. We all know Coach K loves the slot. Fucking loves it.

I'm not sure how many readers of this silly blog are familiar with a program on the old TV called Storage Wars. If you haven't seen it, I urge you to. There's a guy on there who has to be the biggest villain in the US right now (this side of our dear friend and epic failure Barry, anyway). His name is Dave Hester. He goes to these auctions around southern California and when he bids on a foreclosed storage unit, instead of nodding or politely indicating a bid to the auctioneer, he yells "Yuuup." Really obnoxiously, I might add. Do I hear $1200? Yuuup! Okay, $1350? Yuuup! You gotta check it out. It's so addicting that a few Saturdays ago at Stumbles for College GamePlan, I started yelling it really loudly during the Notre Dame/USF tilt. I was screaming "Yuuup!!!" over and over. The typical Stumbles' barflies were baffled. No one said anything to me though. The regulars in there have no idea how to react to me. And really, when you think about it, who does???

Speaking of old Barry, there was this item on the old news recently that claimed he was finally getting serious about trying to energize job growth in our pitiful economy. Now, I don't doubt for a moment that Barry would like to see more folks working. It would probably help with his reelection bid and all. But, someone should inform him that it's businesses that hire workers. And as long as old Barry is busy clowning around in DC with Joe Biden and his massive medically aided boner, companies are gonna be real leery of hiring folks. The best thing old Barry could do at this point to encourage the private sector to take on more employees, is to quit.

Okay, back to info for the degenerates, NFL Week 2: Top pick - SD+8 (roll with Phil Rivers when he's getting points, he's a covering machine). My advice is just put one big bet on the Bolts tomorrow.

Remember what Johnny Rotten said at the Winterland Ballroom in San Francisco in January, 1978 - Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?

NFL Picks Week 1 2011

Huge day today. I was very poor in sharing the wealth, as I did not post the college picks this morning. But, starting with Kentucky's huge 2nd half and ending with Michigan's last second win, it was an awesome day, at least for Brandon, Andy, & me. So, that's good. 6-2 overall.

NFL Week 1: AZ-7, IND +10, STL +3&1/2, CHI pk, BUF +5, TEN pk, SEA +5. Also throw a 12 team teaser out on BAL, BUF, IND, STL, CLE, TEN, WAS, AZ, SEA, SEA/SF Under, MN, & DAL. That tease will pay 70 to 1. It's unlikely to hit, but I've done it before...

Typing, Ever So Briefly

NFL Opener - Take the Dog & the Under.

I should probably type something more than the above. So, something more than the above...Get it??? That's the kind of humor that can only be found on this blog and elementary school playgrounds. Or maybe a group home - if the retards are on fire. And that's a big if. Not literally on fire, mind you. On fire in the Marv Albert sense of on fire, like "Miller is on fire here in the 3rd!" Or on fire in the sense that Marv becomes on fire when a woman bites his back as he lounges in some of her finest frilly lingerie. That kind of thing. Fire is generally pretty warm. Don't play with it. Unless you're a pyro, then by all means - go ahead and play with it. It's what you do. Did you know that the closer you get to the fire the more you get burned??? That's important to know. So, don't walk into a fire and just stand there. You might regret it. Hell, it could burn you. Badly!!! Don't do it, my friends. Is this enough typing??? I sure hope so. I'm stopping now.

College Football Picks 9/3/11

Real quick here this morning, as it's less than 2 hours until the Braxton Miller show's 1st episode kicks off. Thus, I'm gonna keep this short. Top pick - SMiss -12 (don't worry about the hurricane down there). Also, in no particular order, W Mich +13&1/2, SCar/ECU Over 62 (I'm gonna keep riding the Pirates going Over until it's no longer profitable), UGA +3, Hawaii -6, Troy (not the 10, the school in Alabama) +15.

I have a few things to do, but if you wanna find me this afternoon, I will be sitting at the bar at RumbleForeskins hanging with my man Tommy...

Sabotage