I have done some research into the challengers running for Greensboro City Council - tedious research, I might add. And what I found out is that you'd be hard pressed to ever imagine a group of more pitiful folks running for public office anywhere in the known world. Even in Kabul. Or even in Durham. It's a little sad. Anyway, I'm not thrilled about what I'm about to write, but as a service to potential Gate City voters, here you go:
At-Large Candidates -
Wayne Abraham - Wayne is one of those typical do-gooder lefties. You know the type - all power to the people and other worn out slogans from 45 years ago. I unearthed a couple of telling things about Wayne. One, he is into holistic care for citizens with health issues. That's right, Wayne is a new-age capitalist. He owns some shady business that tries to pressure sick people into ignoring what medical experts tell them, and by golly, treat the mind and blah, blah, blah. Wayne also was chair of some deal called the Human Relations Committee. Last I checked, human relations was a euphemism for sexual stuff. The fact Wayne chaired such a vital committee speaks to his overall competence in leading the Gate City into a golden era of good sex (possibly including orgies out in front of City Hall each Friday evening). No thanks...
Marikay Abuzuaiter - I may be spelling this strange woman's name incorrectly. It smacks of being Mongolian in origin. Nothing against Mongolians per se, I'm down with ladies from Ulan Bator as much as the next guy. Marikay is a noted restaurant owner here in town. She runs some joint called Mahi's way up on Lawndale, in an otherwise deserted strip mall. Two things stand out about Ms Abuzuaiter. 1) She likes to use the word stench. At a recent public forum, she spoke out against some trash dump here in town and must have used the word stench 50 times in 3 minutes. Seriously. That's the kind of vocabulary I can appreciate. Stench, stench, stench. Maybe I'll drop in Mahi's (it's only about a minute drive from the place I occasionally crash) and give this possibly Mongolian woman a thesaurus. 2) Her eyes. Marikay has the great distinction of not just having one crazy eye that goes off in an odd direction. She has two of them. It's very distracting. It appears to me that both eyes look inward towards her nose at all times. I have no idea how Marikay has a license to drive. But that's not important. It's the crazy eyes that might draw voters of certain proclivities to her.
Deborah Brogden - One of my favorites. Deb shot at a man back in the late 90's. She didn't hit him or anything. He was okay and all. Apparently what happened was Deb got canned from some teaching job in or near Salisbury, NC and sought out a little old west style justice on the man responsible. As I said, Deb missed. So, if you're looking to vote for an expert marksman, Deb is not your girl. Other than the shooting at a man business, I couldn't get any information on old Deb. She's a mystery. It's like she's putting no effort into winning this at-large race at all. Of course when she inevitably loses, the victors need to watch out. Deb might come at them with a .38 caliber handgun...
Jean Brown - The most fascinating thing about Ms Brown is that when listing her education on one of the candidate questionnaires I looked at, she wrote this gem, "Attended summer school." I'm not making that up. That's the extent of her education. She attended summer school. She never claimed to have passed any classes in summer school. She did attend summer school though. And that is impressive on some level. I mean, it was summer and she could have been at the pool with her friends knocking back wine coolers and eyeing beefy speedo-wearing dudes; but no, not Jean. She was attending summer school instead. Impressive...
Clarence Easter - Almost nothing could be found about Clarence. I thought that he was possibly an angel from a Frank Capra movie...Alas, that is not the case. The only nugget of info I gleaned about Clarence was that he supports something called Superjam at the Greensboro Coliseum. I have no idea how this might garner Clarence votes. I have no idea what Superjam is for that matter. What an odd issue to run for office on...
Cyndy Hayworth - First, you should never trust a woman with 2 y's in her 1st name. Obviously. However, Ms Hayworth does have a website promoting her candidacy and she runs Junior Achievement here in town. I found the part about Cyndy with 2 y's running JA to be very interesting. Why? Because on one of the questionnaire deals she filled out, Cyndy listed her education level as attending 2 different community colleges. Not much of an achievement. Junior or otherwise.
Hayden J Jesserer - Jesserer is a 25 year-old kid who sells pharmaceuticals - legally sells pharmaceuticals. His claim to fame is working for Heath Shuler on Shuler's congressional bid a few years back. And that is telling. Anytime you can help one of the biggest busts in Washington Redskins' history get elected to anything, you are doing something right. Remember, Shuler was the #3 pick in the 1994 NFL Draft. He then proceeded to go 8-14 as a starter and toss 33 interceptions in his brief bust of a career. Based on the fact Jesserer got Shuler to Capitol Hill, he's someone to really look out for in politics. He's a comer.
Chris Lawyer - I have nothing bad to say about Lawyer. Reading his website, he seems like a completely normal, reasonable guy. In other words, he has no chance.
Sal Leone - Here is a direct quote that Mr Leone gave to one of the questions asked by the News & Record website. I'm not making this up. Here it is: "The city council needs to be aware that big companies known what is going on with the council. I do not think that a company wants to bring its company and jobs when we as a city look really childish on TV when fights occur." I have nothing to add to that. But, I do wonder if companies will be wanting to bring its companies and jobs to Greensboro when they known how childish Mr Leone's grammar be...
Christopher N McLaughlin - Another stealth candidate. I couldn't find out a damn thing about him.
Marlando Pridgen - Yet one more stealth candidate. I like his name though. It makes you wonder what his mom was thinking when she spelled his name Marlando. Maybe she's a fan of Marlon Brando and tried to combine letters from his first and last name into some homage to the dead actor??? Or maybe she's a fan of Marlon Wayans and likes his do??? Either is a distinct possibility...
Other than a former mayor who is running. - some poor balding woman named Yvonne Johnson, that's it for the at-large challengers. You can vote for 3 in the primary. I don't vote. And this awful slate of candidates is yet another testament to why. If you do waste the time and energy to vote in the upcoming primary, I'd go with Mr Lawyer & one of the incumbents, Danny Thompson. I wouldn't waste a vote on a third person. Maybe the chick who shot the guy who canned her, purely for the comedic value...
Onto the district races-
District 1: T Diane Bellamy Small vs DJ Hardy - I know nothing about Hardy & I sure as hell don't live anywhere near District 1, but he should absolutely get every vote in this race. He won't. But he should. As I've said before on this blog, there is nothing small about T Diane Bellamy Small. That and the fact she continuously shows her ass during council meetings should foretell impending doom for her reelection bid. But she'll win. She always does. It's a little depressing...
Distrct 2: Jim Kee vs Dan Fischer & C Bradley Hunt - This will be another landslide. Neither Fischer nor Hunt are making any effort at getting any votes. I don't live anywhere near District 2 either. So I could care less. But at least Mr Kee puts on a suit for council meetings and tends to smile for the cameras - which is a lot more than I can say for his cohort Ms Small from District 1. The only thing to note in this race is the name of one of Mr Kee's challengers, C Bradley Hunt. I don't know if this is a real person or some hoax. Whichever it is, I have no interest in seeing C Bradley Hunt hunt...Unless he's hunting cougars at some bar on N Garden. That might be amusing for 2 or 3 minutes.
District 3: Zack Matheny vs Jay Ovittore - This is my district and my man Zack will win. The dude running against him is some pathetic hippie musician. Mr Ovittore has zero chance. My only issue with Zack is that it appears he spends way too much time putting product on his hair...
District 4: Mary Rakestraw vs Tony Collins & Nancy Huffman - Mr Collins describes himself as a manager. A manager of what, I have no clue. He seems like a reasonable enough guy. You gotta wonder why he'd go after Ms Rakestraw. She's kind of crazy, but she votes the same way Mr Collins would. It's a little baffling. As for Ms Huffman, her name would indicate an addiction to sniffing paint. Now, I have no idea how she self medicates. And it isn't any of my business. If you read her statements, Ms Huffman strikes you as a typical Greensboro white liberal burdened by guilt over issues long since settled in any reasonable mind. In fact, based on her views, I'm highly surprised I've never ran across Ms Huffman at the place I occasionally show up to work. There's a million of them just like her. You know, well-intentioned but terribly misguided...
District 5: Trudy Wade vs David Crawford & Jorge Cornell - I'll get to Mr Cornell in a moment. He is awesome. Here, Dr Wade is basically running unopposed. I never figured out what she's a doctor of exactly. But that doesn't matter. Trudy reminds me of many ladies here in the Gate City. But unlike Ms Huffman, Dr Wade is your typical take-no-bullshit, strong, southern woman. You may not like her, but you shouldn't mess with her. As for Mr Crawford, he put this photo of himself on some website where he's kneeling down on pavement in an ill-fitting t-shirt and what appears to be jean shorts. That's all you need to know about this loser. Jorge Cornell is a convicted felon, leader of some gang called the Latin Kings, and goes by the moniker King J. I'm not making any of this up. He hates Zack Matheny and Trudy Wade. He gets up during speakers from the floor time at council meetings and basically threatens the 2 of them (in a very thinly veiled way). He's a big dude. And leader of a gang (did I mention King J is the leader of a gang?). I can see how he'd scare the hell out of most people. That's why King J would be awesome on city council. It'll never happen, I realize that. But we can dream, can't we?
As for the mayoral race here in Greensboro, I'll preview that before the general election. The good news is that 3 Republicans will be running. The bad news is that the guy who is by far the worst of the 3 is very likely to win. In fact, I ran into the guy who is likely to be Greensboro's next mayor a few weeks ago at Sloppy Seconds just before Sunday Ticket kickoff. It was September 11th. When I recognized this shady Duke graduate and likely to be mayor, I started talking very loudly about Mohamed Atta, pork chops, and strippers. This candidate for mayor quickly paid his tab and raced out of the Sloppy Seconds. It was a victory for the little guy. At least for that one ephemeral moment...
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