Meeting A Local Blogger

I was out last night at the old Wing Joint on Battleground. The usual crew was in there when I ambled in just before 10. It was largely uneventful as always. Drinking & running of mouths, the typical silliness. Big Tony was out and he was there with some guy he works with. This guy was militant looking. You know the type, all flat-top and blue slacks. The kind of guy I could easily see goose-stepping through Poland in the early 40's with the Waffen SS. He claimed we had met before. Of course many folks claim they've met me before. I'm sure he was right. I'm sure everyone who claims to have met me before is right for that matter. I didn't remember him. But that's not unusual, as I rarely remember anyone. It goes with the territory of being a narcissist like myself. Anyway, I got to chatting with this running buddy of Big Tony's for a bit and after a few minutes he informed me that he is a local blogger. Laurie was sitting nearby & quickly informed this dude that I too blog from time to time. He found this interesting. I think he assumed he'd met a kindred spirit or fellow traveller in the blog world. As all of you know, I'm not really in the blog world. I don't publicize this blog an any forum anywhere in the known world. What I learned from chatting with this local blogger was somewhat enlightening. I learned that there are a number of local bloggers around the Gate City who are all members of some group online where folks can go and peruse any number of local blogs about any number of local topics. Why anyone would want to do this is beyond me. But whatever gets you off is cool. Rock on. This militant looking cat, the one who runs with Big Tony from time to time, wanted to give me his card with his blog's information on it. He couldn't find one in any of the pockets of his cheap blue pants, but Big Tony had some of these cards and handed me one. I promised him I would check out his blog. I mean he was pleasant enough and all. And I'm not always a total asshole. So I kept my word and looked into his blog a bit ago. The card I received from Big Tony about the blog says Vie De Malchance Part Deux. I immediately thought about bad Charlie Sheen films, obviously. Hot Shots! Part Deux and all that crap. Under the title of the blog is some pertinent information. The blog address is on there for instance. He uses some site called wordpress. I've never heard of it. Then this local blogger, the guy who might have felt right at home in Bavaria in the mid-30's, made some claims about what the purpose of his blog was on this little business card type deal. The claims are as follows: Bloggers Terrorized, Politicians Mocked, Racists Vilified, Bigots Disparaged, Insurrections Fomented, and Bastards Sired. I was very interested to check out this blog after reading all these claims. I was super-excited to be frank. Particularly the part about bastards being sired. I have no idea how many bastards this local blogger has floating around Guilford County. But it might be quite a few. I could see the ladies really being interested in this guy. The type of ladies who frequent meth labs anyway. You can't go wrong with a meth whore. Here's what happened when I looked at the blog a bit ago. I typed in the address and read for about 30 seconds, lost interest, and scrolled down a bit. Then I became even more disinterested. The posts are very brief and about Gordon Brown taking dumps (I guess that would fall under the Politicians Mocked part of this kid's blog). As I mentioned earlier this local blogger is part of a whole mob of local bloggers. To the right of his posts are a scad of other local blogs listed. I decided, against my better judgment, to click on a few of them to get a real feel for the Greensboro blogging community. So I did. The 1st one I looked at had a picture of a bald man who resembled Uncle Fester. I quickly hit the back button on the browser. The 2nd one was a bunch of pictures of some woman's needlepoint. Back click again. The 3rd blog was about how terrible Obamacare is. I didn't read a word of it. I know how terrible Obamacare is. The 4th blog was not available as a lady named Susan noted she has quit blogging to focus on rearing children or doing meth or both. The last one I looked at mentioned a monkey being shot near Lexington. I love monkeys and gave up after that. The whole endeavor was a waste of time. But I promised the local blogger I met at Wing Joint that I would investigate this whole local blogging issue. And I have. So, there you go. 

Monkey Gone To Heaven

I Stand With The President

I stumbled out of my car one morning earlier this week at the place I occasionally show up to work and walked past a blue Toyota that had a bumper sticker on the back. It caught my attention, even at 8 in the morning. The bumper sticker read as follows: I Stand With The President. I started laughing uncontrollably. I almost passed out from laughing so hard. I mean it was too early for me to properly deal with this I Stand With The President bumper sticker. Once I calmed down a little bit, I lit a cigarette. A couple of co-workers were loitering about, catching one last smoke before the real fake work commenced for the day. I said to no one in particular, "I stand without the president." Then I said, "I sit without the president." Then, "I poop without the president." As I kept going with these bold declarations of everything I am capable of doing without the president's help, one of my smoking co-workers said, "What the hell are you ranting about?" It was a fair question. It really was. Most of my in-the-know (and even the in-the-dark) co-workers know to pretty much ignore anything I say. They are used to my mindless maniacal musings. Anyway, upon hearing the question concerning what the hell I was ranting about, I said, "I eat without the president." Then that same questioner asked me, "Is there any president you would stand with?" I replied, "None that I can think of, short of Jeff Davis..."

Speaking of our epic failure of a fake leader, one Barack Hussein Obama, I ran across an interesting factoid recently. Granted, it may only interest me. But, did you know that 1 in 7 Americans are currently receiving food stamps? A few of you might recall that I looked into getting food stamps about 18 months ago, and reported on this blog that I was eligible for like $57 a month in food stamps myself. I neglected to take Barry up on his $57 a month offer. Anyway, the thing about this food stamp epidemic that is new is that commercials are being run on various radio stations around the country trying to get folks to sign up for food stamps. I guess, like I was 18 months ago, many people have no idea they're eligible to receive them. Maybe Barry's eventual goal is to have 100% participation in the food stamp program. I have no idea. The thing that struck me about these food stamp ads is that the government is pushing joining the program as a vehicle to lose weight. Seriously. Don't join a gym to lose weight. Don't get involved in Jenny Craig to lose weight. Don't take any diet pills to lose weight. Don't do any of that shit. Fuck no. The best way to trim down is to get some fucking food stamps. I'm not sure what the bizarre rationale is behind this breathtakingly stupid claim. I mean what kind of healthy food could I buy each month for $57? Like 20 plums, a few heads of lettuce, & some Slim Fast??? More than likely food stamp users will buy cheap products loaded with calories and get fatter and fatter and fatter. I think what this whole thing is really about is Barry and his mischievous band of social tinkerers wanting to get as many folks as possible as dependant as possible for their day to day existence on the largesse of the federal government. Just a hunch. But I like my thinking there...

The Scientology Personality Test

In the last retarded post on this endlessly unreadable and retarded blog, I mentioned Thomas Mopather IV and Scientology. A day or 2 later I was standing around outside the place I occasionally show up to work chatting with my buddy Jay (a sometimes reader of this moronic blog). He told me that it might be worth looking into Scientology with a little more depth. Of course, I'm incapable of doing anything with any depth. But, the following is about Scientology. At least a little about Scientology. What I did is I surfed around the old world wide web of deceit a bit and stumbled across the Personality Test that Scientology gives to unsuspecting rubes to get them to start buying courses taught by Scientology scam artists. From what I can gather, the whole of Scientology is little more than a pyramid scheme where you keep buying course after course to improve your pitiful life. And since my life is undoubtedly pitiful, I am going to highlight some of the 200 questions on the Scientology Personality Test and give you my honest reactions to them just as if I was an almost willing rube seeking help from some supposed higher power or something or other. Don't worry, I'm sure as hell not gonna write about all 200 questions on the Personality Test. That would be over the top retarded, even for me. Oh, by the way, there are supposed "correct" answers to each of the 200 questions. Seriously.

1) Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which you later regret? Constantly, except I never remember them, much less regret them.

3) Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or the dictionary for pleasure? Railway timetables??? What???

6) Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles, even when there is no logical reason for it? What a sick question. Which muscles are they referring to? Damn perverts.

9) Do you consider more money should be spent on social security? Is Obama involved in this racket? This is an odd question as well. Personally, I think no money should be spent on social security (which is the "wrong" answer by the way).

10) Do other people interest you very much? No.

18) Does an unexpected action cause your muscles to twitch? Here we go again with the damn twitching muscles. Weird. 

27) Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it? Never. That is beyond sick. What are these people driving at with these questions?

36) Are you sometimes considered by others a "spoilsport?" Yes. All the fucking time.

43) Does the idea of talking in front of other people make you nervous? This is ridiculous. Why would anyone ever talk unless it was in front of other people? Who wanders around talking to no one, except for the criminally insane? The answer is no. Why would talking make me nervous. It's just talking for Christ's sake.

46) Are you always "getting into trouble?" I am a noted troublemaker. A noted one.

47) Have you any particular hate or fear? Clowns.

51) Can you start the "ball rolling" at social gatherings? I'm huge into getting the ball rolling. Fucking huge. I crave getting the old ball rolling.

59) Do you consider the modern "prisons without bars" system to be doomed to failure? I wasn't aware that there ever were bars in prisons. It would certainly make prison more tolerable if you could knock a few back after a long day getting anally raped though. It really would. Damn anal rape.

66) Are you so self-assured that it sometimes annoys people? That would be a yes...

69) Does emotional music have quite an effect on you? Zevon.

72) Are you perturbed at the idea of loss of dignity? I have no dignity. Obviously. And no, I'm not particularly perturbed by it either.

75) Are openly appreciative of beautiful things? Annette Bening.

77) Do you greet people effusively? I did once. It didn't work out so well. I think I was too damn effusive.

88) If we were invading another country, would you feel sympathetic towards conscientious objectors in this country?  Unless we were invading Canada, yes.

92) Are you a slow eater? Huh? Are they referring to munching on the old taco hole?

97) Do you sleep well? Never.

104) Do you "wax enthusiastic" about only a few subjects? Another damn sex question. Why would it possibly matter how many different "subjects" someone thought about while beating off?

110) Is your facial expression varied rather than set? I'm very stoic.

113) Would it take a definite effort on your part to consider the subject of suicide? Duke winning another NCAA championship would do the trick. Short of that...

118) Do you smile much? Only at the expense of others. I'm a bad person.

126) Are your decisions swayed by personal interests? What else would they possibly be swayed by?

132) Do some noises "set you teeth on edge?" Just the sound of Pink Floyd. Those idiots set my teeth way over the edge.

135) Do the "petty foibles" of others make you impatient? It all depends how you define "petty foibles." If "petty foibles" include taking forever to pay by check at a grocery store, then yes. Damn old women paying with checks...

136) Do children irritate you? I don't have any children - that I know of anyway.

143) Do you usually criticize a film or show that you've seen or a book that you've read? As far as shows, yes - Wipeout comes to mind. Films, yes - anything with Mike Myers or Queen Latifah. Books, no - I've never read one.

149) Are you ever ill at ease in the company of children? I just told you I don't have any children, that I know of anyway.

155) Do people enjoy being in your company? Rarely.

170) Are you opposed to the probation system for criminals? I'm on probation in a number of states as I write this. I am opposed to the system. It's a real hassle to check in with all my various probation officers on a weekly basis. In fact, it pretty much takes up my entire afternoon on Mondays and Fridays. They are nice gals for the most part. Although they could lose a few pounds.

182) Do people criticize you to others? How would I possibly know this? Who walks up to someone and says, "I was talking to Butch and he was really criticizing your body odor. He says you stink to high hell." I mean besides me. I do shit like that all the time. Just earlier today I ran into someone and informed him that an acquaintance was running her mouth about how this person I ran into had too much dried cum on the back of his right hand most days.

188) Is the idea of death or even reminders of death abhorrent to you? I welcome death. I won't have to worry about if my socks match my pants anymore. I worry over that kind of stuff a lot.

191) Does life seem rather vague and unreal to you? Seeing as how I live in a delusional world of my own creation, yes. It not only seems vague and unreal, it is vague and unreal. I'm not sure what the boys running the Scientology scam would say to that...

192) Do you often feel upset over that state of war victims or political refugees? Not since Solzhenitsyn died. The rest of them are worthless crybabies.

200) Do you consider you have many warm friends? Do they mean folks who live near the equator? Or maybe folks from South Florida or Texas? I think this a trick question, like so many of the questions on this Personality Test. The damn Scientologists have succeeded! After going through the 200 questions I'm seriously considering signing up for some classes. Wait a second while I go out and smoke...

Okay, I'm all better now. That was close though. They had me in their clutches for a moment. And what did we learn today by looking into this Scientology Personality Test? I would posit a few things. 1) The test is moronic. 2) Scientologists are fixated on muscle twitching and teeth gnashing. 3) I'm mentally unstable. And 4) This was, like life itself, pointless.

Maybe someday I'll write about Xenu, a staple of Scientology lore. But it's so insultingly stupid & I am so bored of typing today, that Xenu will have to wait.

The Tickle Monster

Another Independence Day is upon us. And many folks get all atwitter over the occasion. Personally, it's always struck me as a celebration of the fact that rich white dudes in America didn't want to pay taxes to other rich white dudes across the Atlantic Ocean. If that floats your boat, then rock on.

I've been delving once again into the sordid world of team trivia the past month or so. There's a game here in the Gate City every Tuesday at some joint on Battleground called Mumble With Difficulty Tavern. It's very exciting and completely pointless as always. We've been doing fairly well (2 firsts and 2 seconds). The interesting thing about this game is that it's geared to the college and just out-of-college crowd. Me and my teammates are 10 to 15 years older than anyone else playing. Our advanced ages proved to be a detriment last night as there was a round of 10 questions about Nickelodeon shows. I only knew one answer (about my girl Summer Sanders). The rest of the questions were about orange soda, the name of a pet pig, etc. We were all looking at each other wondering what to do as far as what to put down as our answers to these questions that we had no chance in hell of getting right. I told Phil's wife (who was manning the answer sheet) to just right down Michelle Obama's soiled panties as the answer for all 9 we didn't know. Alas, she didn't oblige me (to her immense credit she is an upstanding member of the community - me? I'm a parasite on the community). We ended up coming in 2nd anyway. The last question was about years various states were admitted to the Union. And that's just too easy.

The big trial involving Jerry Sandusky and Horseplay U is mercifully over. The only thing left to happen is for Sandusky to hang himself in his cell before sentencing. That should be any day now. Anyway, I read with some interest the testimony from some of the poor kids that Sandusky raped, or what Sandusky and his boys at Penn State would call "engaged in horseplay with." And the horseplay was bad. The most interesting nugget of info that came out of the trial is that Sandusky insisted these young boys call him The Tickle Monster. That's right, Sandusky didn't want these boys to call him The Anal Rapist Monster. That sounds bad. But The Tickle Monster? That sounds bad too. Creepy. Very creepy. I guess Sandusky's modus operandi was to start tickling his victims and after a few minutes get them laughing so hard from all the tickling that he'd go ahead and start in with the rhythmic ass-slapping. One act naturally leads to the other. At least in Joe Paterno's shower room at old Horsplay U. The Tickle Monster. The Fucking Tickle Monster. There was no rape. It was all harmless tickling that a dozen or more boys merely perceived to be rhythmic ass-slapping. The other very interesting thing about Sandusky is that there is a biography about him floating around called - Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story. I haven't read this uplifting tale myself. Nor will I. But I do wonder if the author of this book has considered changing the title. Touched? I'd say so. But "touched" isn't exactly as precise as it should be. Instead of "touched," maybe the following would be more appropriate - Tickled To Tears and a Bloody Anus: The Amazing Story of Horseplay U's Most Lovable Pedophile. That really rolls off the old tongue. And is slightly more accurate. Slightly.

America's perfect couple, a pair that defines everything good about marital bliss, are calling it quits. Yes, Thomas Mopather IV and Katie Holmes are getting divorced. It's shocking and sad news for all of us. I'll admit that I wept ever so briefly when I heard the news. Very briefly. But weeping is weeping, right? I guess that Katie got tired of Tom's lack of affection in the marital bed. From what I have gleamed over the years, Tom isn't really into the female figure. Which is awesome. Whatever gets you off (short of tickling young boys in Joe Paterno's Shower room, of course). One of Tom's ex-wives, Mimi Rogers, claims that the 2 of them had sex all of two times during their wonderful marriage. Maybe Tom tried to please young Katie from time to time. But I doubt it. Katie is a good Ohio girl and I know those gals prefer to be pleased in the old boudoir on the odd occasion. And who can blame them? The other minor issue for Katie could be that Thomas Mopather IV is mixed up in Scientology. Nothing against Scientologists, except that they're insane. Other than that, they're all fabulous folks. I've read a little about Scientology over the years and it's laughably crazy. So maybe Katie doesn't want her daughter to get mixed up with Scientology. And I can't really blame her. As for Tom, I promised to quit mocking him after seeing The Tropic Of Thunder in August of 2008. He was awesome. So, I'm not mocking Tom for being an in the closet, megalomaniacal, cult loving, short man. That wouldn't be nice. And I'm very nice. Very, very nice.

On a related topic, I saw where Anderson Cooper announced he was gay. I don't know why any announcement was needed. It was very puzzling that Cooper felt the need to announce something everyone assumed for years. The only way I would have been surprised is if Cooper announced he was dating Katie Holmes and fathering her 2nd child. That would have been an announcement.

Follow Your Bliss